Welcome to the Autostraddle Recap of Episode 603 "LMFAO," the Series Finale of Showtime's hit series The L Word! What's that you say? This isn't the last episode? Fair enough, arguably true. Howevs, I suspect this might be the last episode that I actually enjoy. Furthermore, I imagine that at season's end I'll choose to block out 604-608 and remember the whole she-bang ending like ... well ... this:
I did actually enjoy at least 50% of this episode. You know what that means. I'm not as funny when I mostly like the episode. You've been warned.
Speaking of warnings -- PLEASE if you re-post images obtained from Autostraddle on your own blog or website, PLEASE credit the source (me). Thank you!
Natalie: "So what's Shane my love doing?"Because Max isn't in this episode, I'll withhold my commentary 'til next week ... or perhaps later this week, when Max will possibly be writing a letter on Autostraddle regarding his feelings w/r/t the Dubious and Impossible Pregnancy of '09 ... the straw that broke the transgendered camel's back. I think his portrayal on this show -- and it'll get worse -- is downright offensive. I was excited for a FTM character, and I feel that Ilene has not fought to eliminate transgender-targeted discrimination and marginalization but instead has actually gone out of her way to re-enforce, fetishize and capitalize upon the incredibly negative "freak" image.
Carly: "She fucked Nikki, who was Jenny's ex-girlfriend, so now she's like Jenny's slave trying to win Jenny back but then Jenny said she's in love with Shane and then they kissed and now they're gonna be together, which I have A LOT of feelings about."
Natalie: "Jenny!? Really?! Okay ... what about ...what's happening with Bette & Tina?"
Riese: "Together, getting another kid for some reason."
Carly: "Until Jessie Spano-slash-Nomi Malone comes in ..."
Natalie: "NOOOO! REALLY?! Okay, what happened with ..."
Carly: "Please say Max. Please say Max."
But let's not think about that right now! Let's be happy and celebrate the finale! Why was this episode called LMFAO? 'Cause we LOL'ed a lot. I'll keep track for ya.
Maybe you need better LOCKS on the DOORS, Aaron!
I think before Aaron's scenes, the director shoots him up with Rabies, shoves a pipe-bomb up his ass, and then just sets 'er off. I'm worried his veins might literally pop out of his Mr.Clean headskull the next time he spits/yells at Tina.
Natalie: "Jenny stole the negative from the lab?"
Carly: "Allegedly -- and it was the only copy of the movie in the universe."
Natalie: "What about Adele? Is Adele still the director?"
Riese: "Adele is no longer with us."
Carly is ready to carve the turkey!
OMG! Our glory days have come!
BUT for you who'd prefer to avoid it, click here to skip over the naked Shenny scenes and go straight to Alice's arrival. See how good I am to you? See how much I care? Even though I'd like to add that this isn't the Bette & Tina show, it's The L Word Show, which means every episode must contain at least fifteen major characters and 20 absurd plot-lines.
I think Jenny & Bette are supposed to be the main characters of the show, right? Anyone? I'm curious how you feel about it. J&B is who we were told would be the main characters in Season One. I guess we were told a lot of things in Season One.
Sounder = Not on Team Shenny
The Players: Shane & Jenny
The Pick Up: I think that happened last night? I beleive it was "Jenny?"
Hot or Not?: ZOMG! I mean LFMAZOMG!
Shane: "I don't know what to say."
Jenny: "I'm happy we fucked."
Shane: "Are you sure?"
Jenny: "Mmm hmm."
And when I Lay Beside You For The First Time I Told You
But before Shane goes downstairs to get the door, Jenny has feelings to discuss ...
Jenny: "Shane? C'Mere. Do you think we made a mistake?"
I'm hoping it's indicative of super-love, rather than super-theatrics]
Shane: [obvs implying incredible sexiness was had] "You know as much as I do ... [cute smile face]"
Jenny: C'mhere. [they kiss]
Meanwhile Jenny will sit in bed and wait, nibbling on her blue fingernails. All the L-Girlz had a mani-pedi party before shooting this ep, they all chose sparkly blue.
Also if Jenny made me wait that long, I'd take that opportunity to text Tina that "I tried!" and then dash to the car. But our dear Alice waits, and our scruffy Shane answers ...
Actually Shane's Hair Looks Morning-After Every Day!
LMFAO #2 - (Alice) - "Uh-- I know that look! WHOOO! --
the I had sex all night look -- anyone I know?"
Shane denies it even when Alice insists Shane wears her sex nights "on her sleeve." (Or, rather, on her bare arms, 'cause she's always sportin' the wifebeater after aforementioned "sex nights.")
LMFAO #3: Jenny calls to Shane, "Monkey, have you seen my shirt?"
Alice scowls in confusion/fear and says, incredulously: "Monkey? Wow, you guys SUPER made up!"
LMFAO #4 (possibly top 10 best L Word moments of all time): We zoom in as Alice's cute baby mind tries to computer this crazy-ass shit. She's a Stepford Lesbian about to have a breakdown, there'll be sparkplugs exploding everywhere and even Max the Computer F-T-Man won't know how to fix it. Besides he's busy doing Kegels and throwing nerf balls at his stomach to kill the baby.
Her reaction: "Um. Ew."
Tina's in a meeting with Angela Robinson and someone else -- how meta! -- who are obviously pitching a lesbian vampire story. Aren't we all.
Tina's reaction: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Tasha's walking out of a Police Academy Whatevers, probs Eddie Murphy was there, when she gets the news and we see the second part of Alice's text:
WITH EACH OTHER!! (LMFAO #6)
Tasha's Reaction = Laughter, "Oh Alice." Aw. I think Tasha thinks Alice is super cute when she does silly things that Tasha would never do.
Bette's reaction, however, is THE BEST.(LMFAO #7)
She's in a meeting with stodgy academic people talking about important things but she cracks up schoolgirl-style over the Shenny Texts Part 1&2.
She tries to suppress the laughter but she cannot contain herself!
Bette laughing her ass off = beautiful.
Then we flash back to 1972, Kit's golden days on the R&B scene -- Kit doesn't understand why her phone is buzzing 'cause that ain't how things are donnneee over on her side of town. No really there's no reason for her not to know this, but it's funny so I'll let it fly. Probs the last time she heard buzzing, it turned out to be Ivan's vibrating strap-on rubbing against her plush buttocks. Hey-o! Thank you Babeland!
"What in the Bloody Hell is Going On?"
Alice: "They're kissing! EW!"
Helena: "Alice, you're being childish.
They're both adults and if they want to get involved with each other, that's totally their prerogative."
Alice: "Shane just said Jenny's a good kisser!"
Helena: "Oooo ick! Oh my God!"
The L Word is Oh you Lucky, Lucky Girl, Jenny ...
I really liked this observation by reader Asher last week, and I think I agree (also perhaps it adds to the "this is all Jenny's script" theory) - "Jenny I think represents just about all of us (I was just questioning my shit when I started watching) so to me she's living the dream. Move to LA, make super hot lesbo friends, and finally end up with Shane. I feel as Jenny wins, we all win just a little."
Jenny's like the weird outsider who just snagged the captain of the football team when no one even predicted that they'd get along in the first place. She's like Emily Valentine.
Bette's gabbing with Tina about how Shenny's gonna be a trainwreck. I mean, someone could even get killed(!!!!), just like in an actual trainwreck. So that's what happened to Tina's train to Lezzie Town! Ca-CHING! Not that Bette has any need for public transportation with those FUCKING SLEEVES!
Srsly the Pirates of Penzance have been on hold since last week. You better get that call or
they will loot your booty all over WeHo.
Carly: "Bette ! Again with THE SLEEVES! They're like WINGS!"
Riese: "She just wants to fly and everyone keeps holding her back!"
Carly: "She's like [sings] "I'm Like a Bird" you guys ..."
Riese: "And they're like, No you aren't!"
Lesbian Squabble #14: Time To Get a Real Job Time To Stop Having Fun at Bette's Expense
In the Ring Bette vs. Jodi
Content: Bette's like "why's Tom here?" 'cause 2 on 1 is totally not fair, Bette's getting played like a deck of cards. Jodi says Bette was never a good signer, although she could apparently do many other magical things with her fingers. Bette thinks Jodi should resign, just like she said she would a few weeks ago. Jodi wants to redact that offer 'cause she made it to save the ass of the woman she loves, now she is on to new asses and new loves, and therefore loves her job and wants to stay.
We all know the real reason is that she doesn't know where she's gonna put the giant play structure she built in Season Four, that thing is a behemoth. To this Bette says, "If you don't resign, then I'm gonna have to fire you." Jodi says "Go right ahead."
Who Wins? Tom! He just got an extra day of work! He can put that towards the diaper fund.
Put That On Your Fucking Clipboard!
Howevs, in prior seasons we've seen Jenny get all Jenny Momenty towards Stacey Merkin, the secretary at Curve, various smarmy movie execs, Moira/Max, the cast & crew of Lez Girls, Adele, the pre-Adele assistant, etc.
BUT now ...
She's doing it to Alice. Very clever, Show. Very clever. Because when you hurt Alice, you hurt everyone, because everyone loves Alice, and then the globe warms and then all the penguins die.
Next Time I Will Just Take Robert McKee's Story Seminar
Jenny: "I mean, I don't think that's gonna sell -- pretty boring--" (amazing shrug) "-- but you know the heart of this? Is that it's just not realistic. These two people would never be in a relationship together."
JENNY MOMENT: "Well Alice, you know what I think? The future is now. Right now -- and this (points at the treatment) is not the way forward. Because when I'm with you (does big hand gesture indicating the size and scope of the world/the chart) in a group of people and I close my eyes and I'm like ooooooo (squinches up her face) ughhhh that girl oooo the VOICE! (opens her eyes, points at Alice) She should be doing cartoon voiceovers."
Alice adorably tells Tina not to say anything about Shenny as she dashes out and Tina asks Alice if she's "sure." She is. This is how Tina feels about that:
Tina's Face = (LMFAO #12)
Jenny doesn't like what Tina's got to say abut the missing negative, she'd rather talk about cappuccino and soybeans. (LMFAO #13) Who cares about the negative, the editor has it on her computer, Jenny adds. Funny, I was just thinking that exact same thing! Apparently, explained by some bizarre movie-making lingo that I don't understand, "it doesn't matter what the editor has on her computer because it cannot be projected on our screen." They should just release this thing on youtube and call it a day. I can only imagine the comments, probs: "you wasted 140.23 min/sec of my life AND I WANT IT BACK !!!"
Lesbian Squabble #15: Dude, Where's my Negative?
In the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny
Content: Tina's being kind and tactful when she asks Jenny if she's got it. Jenny suggests Adele's got it and Tina's gotta think fast to cover up the fact that Malaya Rivera Drew or whatever her name was is no longer on the show -- Adele wouldn't do it, "her whole career would be on the line."
Jenny refuses to follow the rules of Vortexed cast members and says that Adele's got a three-picture deal -- in other words, she's fine, and Jenny has: "nothing. I don't even have an agent anymore. Because my agents don't think I'm professional. And if this film doesn't come out (HELLLOOOO TORONTO CANADA!) then I'm totally fucked, okay, so I need this film to come out (GO BLUE JAYS!) so I have this [holds up fingers to gesture the tiny bit of a chance she's got] kind of chance of getting a job again. So you have to find that movie!"
Also I'm a Bad Writer, but That is NOT THE POINT!
Hey! Hey! YOU! You! I Don't Like Your Not-Girlfriend!
Alice: "It's Jenny, I just wanna be sure we know who we're talking about here."
Shane: "I'm truly aware of who it is, thank you, but listen -- we get each other. We do and I have to believe she's not gonna get weird."
I Know She Takes All the Good and the Bad That Comes With Me
Really if Shane was actually in love with Molly, she wouldn't have moved on so quickly. But you know, it's Shane.
She genuinely believes she's in love with someone in the moment, but give her two days and she's Go-Go-Gadget-Girlfriend,
calling "NEXT!" She should be on that MTV show NeXT, I love the lezzie episodes.
Shane: "And listen -- between you and me -- if it was to happen again --"
Alice: "What? What is that face?"
Shane:"I wouldn't -- I wouldn't mind --"
Carly: "It's first date good. Burn this dress good."Alice is convinced they're gonna sleep together again tonight, but Shane isn't "planning" on it (why wait 'til tonight? how's this afternoon?) ... howevs Tao of Shane, Book One states that she does not have a plan and in fact that is the point. Shane's just glad to have Jenny back in her life. This talk concerns me, that's number one on the list of "bad reasons to sleep with someone."
Riese: "I'd like to thank the ACADEMY good."
Lesbian Squabble #16: This Would Be A Good Time to Just Give Jodi the Finger
In the Ring: Phyllis & Jodi vs. Bette
Content: Phyllis doesn't think Jodi needs to be fired no more and ignores Bette's valid claims that Jodi is a bad employee. Speaking of, Phyllis is really bad at her job you guys! I swear, I haven't witnessed her make one efficient or professional decision, she's entirely motivated by emotional whims and seems to spend more time dealing with her feelings than actually running a University. I'd like to hijack this meeting and fire Phylllis. She's about to get married to a big lawyer, she can just become a DALA girl.
Bette: "This is not dyke drama, Phylllis!"
Phyllis: "When you entered into a sexual relationship with a subordinate -- as you refer to her -- you relinquished your right to fire her, because that's what's called sexual harassment."
Bette: "Are you threatening to sue me for sexual harassment?"
Jodi: "Hmmm, that thought never ocurred to me. I'm not really interested in lawsuits."
[Point for Jodi.]
This is ... stupid!
Who Wins: Sarah Palin and all her gay friends.
Also, in addition to noting how lovely Phyllis & Tom are matching today, I'd like to point out that here we have A CLUE!
Jenny gets super inspired when she's having a dramatic love affair, and then when she's done writing her masterwork of stage and screen, she gets a little horny. She interrupts Shane's nap and Shane don't mind one bit ...
Lesbian Sexy Moment #6: If You're Gonna Wake Up, You Might as well Wake Up With Me
The Players: Jenny the Artist and Shane the Sexual Artist
The Pick - Up: "I was thinking about what we did last night ... and how I liked it..."
Hot or Not: If Carly would stop yelling about how Shane needs to brush her teeth before they start making out, it cold be quite steamy ... it is. Love the half-asleep cute yearning arm, Jenny mounting her ... if only this love affair could stay this good for the rest of the season ...
Once Again We Are Captivated.
Cue the Split-Screen!
It's a Killer Season After All
I mean, totally serious now, very moving/out of the blue. Alice I think is taking a cue from her Moralist Girlfriend and Doing the Right Thing. Saundra & Mary are horrified that Alice hasn't learned from The Great Battle of '07 -- the people do not want to hear about 650,000 dead in Iraq, they want to hear about how being a vegan can improve your spiritual health. Where's Joy Behar when you need her?
I've Got Something I Can Raise my Voice For
Alice's Big Moment: "I know I've justified outing in the past saying it's a political act, and I certainly do believe that the world would be better if people felt free and safe enough to be who they are. But what I forgot is that some people choose to stay in the closet for other reasons. One of those reasons is that homophobia is alive and well, and often times in this country -- can get you killed."
Carly: "... and in other countries, in fact -- many many other countries"Hurrah! Alice has been saved from last season's ridiculous personality shift! Howevs, clearly this -- like many other things Alice likes -- is not Fun Gay. This is Shot-in-the-Face or Hung-on-a-Fencepost-in-Laramie Gay, this is Boys Don't Cry Gay, this is all the kinds of gays that ignorant fluffheads like Saundra & Mary avoid at the cineplex so they can sit in their nice beds and watch the new episode of Dancing with the Stars.
Riese: "... unlike in other countries where it's much much worse--"
Carly: "... in other countries the government will kill you for being gay!"
We'll be Right Back with Someone Way Stupider!
If these L-girls keep progressing career-wise at this pace, Angelica's gonna have a tough time finding anyone for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. She can go cut hair with Shane or bartend at Hit, I guess.
I Do Wanna Express Myself. And I Don't Need 37 Wall-Sized Video Screens To Do It.
Phyllis: "You were a beautiful role model for me when I was coming out -- in a special way I will always be grateful."
Bette: "That's nice."
Not a Good Day for the Parents Who Wanna Adopt
Phyllis: "Bette -- I've always found you wildly -- exquisitely attractive."
Bette: "Phyllis ... no ..."
Phyllis: "Yeees ... yesss ..."
(LMFAO Moment #16)
Phyllis: "From the moment I saw you, tall, strong, brilliant --"
Phyllis: "So erudite--"
Phyllis: "It was so difficult for me not to act on it. You can't imagine --"
Phyllis: "Joyce is wonderful -- oh yeah she's TCB, good in bed, makes a good living -- but f you gave me the smallest amount of encouragement, I'd lose her in a second."
Bette: "You just fired me."
Phyllis: "I know, but it may be the best thing that ever happened to both of us ... Bette, you are and will always be, the woman of my dreams."
[Yes, you and the rest of the world, baby]
Natalie: She looks like a cocker spaniel!
Riese: That's Cybill Shepard! You can't say that about her!
Natalie: I know but right now look at her face! She DOES!
Then Phyllis goes for the makeout and Bette gives her the fakeout ...
Bette: "You will have my letter of resignation in the morning."
Here We Re-enact the Scene For You.
The Rose of My Heart's Desire ...
Anyhow Helena's gonna take one of dem dere daffodils and go get herself some bush!!!
Next Time I'm Outing Queen Latifah, Mark My Words!
Tasha: "Alice you don't always get rewarded for doing the right thing, look what happened to me."
Alice: "Are you really gonna make this about you right now? Are you really gonna do this and make this about the fucking army right now?
This Girl! She Wants to Cut Ties with All The Lies That She's Been Living In!
Carly: "Please be a puppy!"
Riese: [I-found-a-puppy-voice] "She was just too cute to leave on the streets!"
I think Ilene writes out what's supposed to happen and then the actual teleplay writers insert their own commentary on Ilene's plot choices via dialogue.
Alice: "This is weird. And crazy. I can't talk a teenager off the ledge -- what if she jumps?"
Tasha: "Alice isn't qualified for this. She's not a psychologist."
Jamie: "She knows you, you're her hero, she's so excited every time you're on The Look and it gives her hope that someone could be out like you and still be successful! please will you just talk to her."
What the ... frickin' ... frack ...
Riese: "ALICE is a SUPERHERO!"
Carly: "She's Alice the suicide negotiator!"
Alex & Carly: (singing) "PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR!"
Carly: "William Shatner's gonna pop down and be like -- "Hey, get off that ledge and go to the Bahamas!"
I Want You to Know Everyone's Gotta Face Down the Demons
Also look, Alice & Tasha are in love -- and not WITH EACH OTHER!!
(that's Jamie they're looking at)
Speaking of Loooveeeee now Alice has done something very good so now Tasha can be proud of her. Yeah, I've been there, done that.
How About Your Boulevard and my Alley [Kat] get together ...
Sunset asks if Kit's got a man, she says nah, she's off men for now. Sunset asks about women and Kit's Kittism comes when she explans that women are nooo better:
KITTISM: "Women? Oh pullleeeeeze they can mess each other up too.
I can't begin to tell you how much drama I SEEEN!"
Natalie: "Is Kit gay?"
CASTING CALL: Straight Women, Caucasian 21-26, wanted to be GAY for SHOWTIME'S HIT SERIES THE L WORD
(No ACTUAL GAYS should apply)
Never Say "I'll Be Right Back." 'Cause You'll Never Be Back .
Sunset 100% fo'sho thinks Kit & Helena are the romantic kind of partners. Anyhow, now Kit's walking outside to find her girls, you can tell by the blissful look on her face that something bad is about to happen. Perhaps she'll get killed by an axe-murderer or assaulted by the RedRum finger.
But no, worse (for her, not for me, I la-la-la-love it!) -- it's Shenny kissing!
All Eyes Are On Me Now
I'm Proud To Be Proud To See Proud to be Me
They all toast to Alice because she did something great today and Tasha's proud of her. Hurrah!
Stupid Can Also Be Sexy
Alice does a terrible/AWESOME Shane imitation "OOO there's a second floor?" and if I'd been sitting there I would've said "What's that again? Can you say that again -- your Shane immitation? I'd just like to hear it one more time."
Jenny: "Are you okay with lying to all our friends?"
Shane: "I don't care. I really don't. It's between you and me."
And now it's between you and me and everyone we know ...
(LFMAO Moment #19)
The song that plays at the end is called 'Don't Keep Me Waiting" and it's by Sharleen Spiteri. Wanna listen? Just press play on that little "end song" widget and you can sing right along!
Think I love Jesus! Think Amber Waves of Grain!"
I'll be back next week to begin recapping what Ilene has referred to as "a miniseries" in which she'll have a chance to "tell the story" of what happens when one of your friends is murdered and an FTM gets pregnant despite being on testosterone.
Though you may think the likelihood of either of these stories being relevant to your life is slim to none, think again!
It's just none!
Lesbian Sexy Moments - 2 this episode, 6 overall
Lesbian Squabbles - 2 this episode, 16 total
Quote of the Week? - [still deciding. input?]
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Dancing!
zomg, when this shit is over, I'm gonna statistically analyze this and find out who's been sexy the most and who's fought the most. I predict Bette will top the fighting list, and Shane will top the sexy list and be super-low on the fighting list. Alice is a strong contender for either category.