Remember last week when I said that I wanted 603 to be the finale because it was so lovely and ended with dancing? I bet you do, 'cause this was one of the worst L Word episodes ever!! Possibly one of the worst episodes of any television show ever, ranked somewhere between the Homeboys in Outer Space pilot and Taradise. About 15 minutes in, I literally started slamming my head against the wall. Chelsey left to do work, Natalie left for the gym. Carly & A;ex had their iPhones out, occasionally looking up to moan. It went a lot like this:
Riese: "Oh my God they aren't!"
Carly: "Oh my God L Word I'm going to kill the fucking L Word!"
A;ex: "What the F*CK?"
Firstly -- I'm not recapping any of Max's scenes because I find his portrayal offensive and counterproductive to anyone seeking increased media visibility for peoples of all genders and sexualities. I go into this in depth here: A Letter to Mama Chaiken from FTM Computer Search Champion Max Sweeney. Also, his scenes made us all really upset and I can't go through that again, I just can't.
[Wanna see a great episode of something? Watch me & Hav on Alexi's Closet Episode #17!]
I'm gonna start off with a list of actual activities performed in this episode:
1. Sitting around and eating, unknown time of day (seemingly endless series of meals/beverages over the course of several hours, both Bette and Tina were actively taking meetings, the lighting changed, guests in and out).In conclusion, any of this week's "scenes" (conversations) could've taken place at any of this week's locations/activities. That's a BIG teleplay-writing no-no -- don't miss the opportunity to enhance your story by making both dialogue and setting pertinent to the plot. Up the stakes whenever you can.
2. One side of a boring telephone conversation making dinner plans. (twice)
3. Cleaning out a closet of unwanted clothing. (twice)
4. Waiting in line for a taxi at the airport.
5. Chopping vegetables.
6. Choosing between Scrabble or Monopoly.
7. Washing dishes.
9. Standing around at work and talking.
10. Lying in bed, holding hands.
To anyone who's ever condemned lesbians to hell: tonight you have won. Tonight we have been condemned to hell for nearly an entire hour and it was all we could bear. We didn't even change our clothes to pretend like we saw it on a different day than 603. 'Cause we were too depressed to take pictures, except for the intro pic and the one below, I've just recycled some old ones here and there.
Lesbians gathered 'round teevees wearing trendy wristbands
They wanted to see Bette & Tina naked but instead got this over-flowered "shirt"
They would've seen more action during a bubble bath scene with Ernie and Bert ...
Angelica Made This Shirt For Me. She Also Made me a Macaroni Necklace.
Well What Else Could We Be Forgetting? KEVIN!
Good Job, Grasshopper.
Ohhhh I thought that was Kelly KAPOWSKI!
In Episode 606, Bette will come home to a house completely filled with naked women. Like her top Celebrity Crush and all time favorite sculptor will be there and everything. There'll be a moat and on the other side Tina will be standing with Angelica, mis-reading a thermometer and crying.
KITTISM: "My sister almost killed herself over that B-I-T-C-H."
"Hey! I Thought SHE WAS IN THE VORTEX!"
Then Dylan shows up! She's hoodwinked Tina into a meeting at The Planet by claiming to be a filmmaker with a different name. It's like Office Hours in college, this is the clearing house/waiting room for meetings.
"What is going on in here today?" Kit exclaims as Tina dashes to her meeting. Oh, it's an Ilene Chaiken episode. That means everyone sits around waiting for their turn to share exposition.
Personally, I'm waiting for Godot. Aren't we all.
But they're not focused on what they're eating ...
No, not vagina, this show isn't like that
I'd rather be reading LOL Cats
and I don't even like cats, or rats.
If you take Kelly's statements out of context, they're really weird, like this one: "It's amazing to me that you've had this passion, and you just stay true to it. It's something that I've always dreamed of being a part of." (That's what she said) Isn't that the point of life? Bette must really be into this chick 'cause typically she'd call a sister out for talking so much stupid.
Kelly's got a lot of money, Bette's got no job, Kelly owns a gallery, OMG! I just had an epiphany! Bette should work for Kelly! But Bette is too superfly for that nonsense, she'll be Kelly's PARTNER or nothing. They just throw the word "partner" around here like it's nothing. Remember "Buddy Checks"? Like in the pool at summer camp? We should have those for life. You never know when someone could fall in the pool and drown.
Here's my idea of how this writer's meeting went:
Ilene: So what do we have on board for Bette & Tina this season? What stories are they gonna tell?
Writer #1: Well, I feel like they've been through a lot together, maybe this season should focus on the problems within a long-term relationship, rather than the problems threatening a relationship. Like Mad About You, but gay.
Ilene: So I want you to think about the one person in the world that could still force Bette to cheat after all this.
W #1: Well I think at this point Bette & Tina will be faithful, you know, that's what we're saying. Let's get into parenting decisions.
Ilene: A-ha! I know! The straight girl from college you could never have comes back! With money, a job and an art gallery! That'd do it.
W #1: But why?
[Ilene presses the red button, writer disappears into an underground holding cell]
'"Helena is the love of my life, and I'd give anything for another chance to be with her."
This scene's so long, we can watch them think ...
The Planet-a-Thon Continues!
Carly: "That business card was made at the kiosk in the mall."
Riese: "The graphics include a small flower and a cross."
Alice and Tasha have AN IDEA! - Jamie! She's rad! They went bowling. She's the director of Youth & Family Services at the Gay And Lesbian Center. They fight over who gets to call -- and at this moment, I'm expecting them to cut away to the next scene. But instead we're actually gonna watch both Tasha and Alice have phone convos that involve repeating "we have a good feeling about this" over & over until the thesaurus kills itself.
Carly: "It's one in the afternoon, they're drinking vodka?"
Natalie: "They've been there all day, as Chelsey so acutely pointed out."
How many horses died to make this next scene? They're having a horse buffet!! Horse cocktail, horse kebabs ...
This One Reminds me of Jail
Shane says, "I don't believe in changing people!" Write that down, Jenny. WRITE THAT DOWN. Why are they fuddling around with all these clothes when they could be removing each other's clothes and making out? I dunno.
Lesbian Squabble #17: I'm Not Unfaithful But I'll Stray
In the Ring: Bette vs. Tina
Content: Tina's not okay with Bette working with Kelly, as a partner, and with not talking to Tina about it first. Good call Tina. Bette has done a total personality retcon since last episode, won't be "on probation her whole life" and now is being haughty: "This is a business decision and if you don't believe that than I suggest you come up with a better solution." I think Bette has a good point because in reality, a woman in Bette's situation would never cheat! She just wouldn't!
But Bette on this show -- who knows?
Who Wins? Bette, 'cause Tina apologized and took it back. So that means Bette won, even though I think Tina has a point and they should communicate better.
Also she's pretty:
off each other's bodies, but not today, Ilene is mean ...
Take it! Take Whatever You Want! Take My Soul! Take the Goldfish!
Shane won't get rid of the shirts that remind her of Carmen. Good, that red shirt was hot, I remember it.
Back in the Days of Glory and Light ...
"That's the old Shane," Jenny says. "The one that couldn't honor her commitments."
But Shane says, "I'm not throwing [Carmen] away."
Then they look at each other really cutely.
This is the most action anyone gets this episode
If Shay could choke down those milkshakes, Shane can handle a taco soon
Let's eat, let's clean, let's talk on the phone,
let's stand around, do the dishes, and moan moan moan
Yeah It's Me, I'm Wearing a Bib, So What? I Got One Leg.
Note to Max's Costume Designer: this is the only situation in which plaid works.
Shane doesn't seem too upset, and even takes Jenny's "have you been smoking" inquisition pretty lightly, this is interesting, and confusing. Maybe this is supposed to be "ga ga in love" instead of 'being clingy.' Like how EZ Girl came with Ilene to this show. But if any of my girlfriends did this to me, I feel like Haviland would be raising an eyebrow of concern.
I Am Going to Make You an Offer You Cannot Refuse Because You Have No Choice KAZAAM!
Cutest. Family. EVER.
The Dog's Not the Father Guys Don't Worry!
Bette: "No, he was just a donor, I adopted Angelica from birth."
Mom: "But you're married?"
Bette: "You know it's funny, we'd always said we wouldn't even consider getting married until there were full & complete equal rights under the law, it should be a federal law, but in some ways having said that we're getting closer to it you know if and when this latest ballot measure is overturned, we would probably think about it --"
Tina: "I think she's asking if you're married to a man?"
Jamie thinks Alice should work at the Center, but Alice doubts herself -- she should! Alice could do much more with her life. Anyhow if she won't take the job, I will. I need a job.
They make eyes at each other a lot.
she changes her personality so much you'll never be sure what you've got
a pregnant-woman fetish, a killer poker game, queen of the jailyard
she'll be whomever you want her to be, and she's totally got the best arms.
Chock Full O'Nuts!
Rarely does Tasha light up like this ... Jamie brings out the best in both of them. Tasha is so pretty. Alice is so pretty. Jamie is so pretty. So so pretty. Everyone is so pretty.
Oh Just Wait 'Til I Tell You About PRISON!
NOW I Know You Still Care FOR SURE!
I'm Having an Old Friend For Dinner ...
but they aren't, because Ilene stole all of Jenny's Depakote.
I Can't Believe I've Let You In
Clearly. Shane is at that place where she wants to have a room with a bed to sleep in and etc., and Jenny is in a place where she turns Shane's bedroom into an office.
Also Jenny's been doing a lot of bizarre housecleaning projects. Perhaps she is preparing her Tomb for her suicide. She's gonna have a big one like King Tut.
And Now Here I Am Telling You That I'm Suffocating in Here.
Jenny: "Do you hate me?"
Jenny: "Do you love me?"
Shane: "I do. I love you."
Cue EZ Girl's Jenny Murder Remix.
This isn't who Jenny is anymore. This makes me sad. I wanted this thing to have a chance.
Talice & Jamie are talking about how much they hate organising fundraising things and Alice slyly mentions that she was on Dance Marathon for Act UP in college. Of course she was. Tasha seems somewhat impressed by this, and Jamie is downright inspired! She's like the little sprite of energy who brings happiness into the room! Threesome time!
With a dance party in the future, I can finally relax
something to look forward to -- but still, no talking about Max.
Angie travels with a lot of technology. She's got a cute little afro. She's so cute.
Bette: "I'm just stunned by the ignorance."
Tina: "Well, welcome to the rest of America."
Do You Think I'll Make it to the Morning If It's Written?
Bette's having second thoughts about it, they don't know what to do. Maybe it's not a good time ... etc. Then someone knocks at the door. I've seen this before, it happens in horror movies and in hypothetical situations my parents warned me about and they actually get it.
Winnie: "My parents don't approve of lots of stuff."
Tina: "We understand."
Bette: "These things happen."
Winnie: "Yeah, but I really don't care. this is my body, and my baby, and my decision, and you're the family that I want my baby to go to."
These Earrings Were Also My Decision, And I Don't Know How to Defend Myself On That Point
Is she gonna hook up with Shane or something? This girl is bad news bears, I can tell.
Suddenly we experience like 30 seconds of time lapse photography outside the hotel and crazy music, it's almost like she's just trying to kill time. Now ... we are going to ... watch ... people ... sleep.
I'd Spend All Night Losing Sleep
I'd Spend the Night And I Lose My Mind
We are going to watch people sleep. Oh, now they're talking about the baby again, basically re-hashing previous convos but more slowly. This is perfect, this is just what society wants of us. They want us lesbos to lie in bed, stare into each other's eyes, and talk about our feelings. Our boring, boring feelings.
Riese: "Wtf am I gonna say about this?"
A;ex: "No one's gonna say 'I can't believe you skipped that part where Max took all his clothes off'!"
Carly: "We all know this was the worst episode ever."
Lesbian Sexy Moments: No
Lesbain Squabbles: One I think
Quote of the Week: Your Mom
Close your eyes and think about Angelica's headphones.