[If you're looking for my S6 DOJ rant ("The L Word, Like the Cat, Has Nine Times to Die"), it's here. And Farm Spoilers are here and here.]

I'm pleased to report that while Ilene was announcing the upcoming murder of my favorite L Word bundle of psychotic joy (Jenny), the kind people over at The N were doing something GOOD for us -- they granted us an entire episode that was not only occasionally funny and almost good, but 100% Glen-Free!

Probs Glen & Chelsea are doing that things brand-new couples always do. You know, they get totally obsessed with each other, go into hiding and bone all the time, oversleep and forget to return phone calls, lose track of time, fall behind on other life commitments and then, when these commitments come 'a knockin', the couple starts resenting each other and they then enter a state which vacillates wildly from "good" to "fighting" for the next 7-8 months leading to eventually one significant blow-out at which point you either break up or get married or one member of the couple gets into Worthington, the most prestigious [imaginary] academic institution on the eastern seabord, and flees California forevermore.

Also apologies that this recap isn't that funny. I tried! It's hard to get steam this late in the game for a show who's fate's already sealed and will air tonight December 12th at 8 P.M. in a special hour-long episode.

Here we are! Trying to smile!
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Make New Sons, But Keep the Old, One is Silver and the Other is Gold and the other is Black and DeadJK! Glen's just been replaced by Aiden, miraculous motorcycle accident survivor. He's gonna stay with the Carlins just as Dear Dad had always dreamed.

It's sort of like The O.C. now, where everyone's just living at each other's houses all the time. It's not that easy in real life kids. There's rules, there's only so many towels to go around, what if they use whole milk and you prefer skim, maybe your hosts wanted to drink the whiskey that you drank last night, etc etc.

What I'm saying is; He's Defo Not a Bird, Could Possibly Be a Plane ... Aiden listens in on the parents having a private chat. Hey Paula's not sure why Aiden's even alive without a scratch on 'em! His existence ain't a medical miracle, Dr. Paula says, it's just a Miracle Miracle. I think what she's trying to say here is that Aiden is Jesus. Oh wait, NM. Jesus was mos defo mortal. I mean, then he came back. But first he died. They should nail Aiden to a cross just to see what happens, you know, test out all the possibilities. The second test should be for Regeneration, like Claire has on Heroes. I wrote about my favorite superpowers once.
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Egocentric: Also Uses Beaded Curtains Ashley's at Ego's open mike talking about herself and her feelings, e.g., how despite what you may've read ("Nobody's read anything about you, Ashley" - Carly. "Your fans can't read, Ashley." - Riese) this is her real voice but her shoes are knock-offs. Acoustic scenes always make me itchy. Also -- where's Spencer? Shouldn't she be in the audience admiring her girlfriend's pipes?
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Save the Soup Kitchen Girl, Save the World SuperAiden goes to visit Kyla at the Angel Food Bank, where they only serve angel food. Speaking of angels, Aiden's taken Dr. Paula's words to heart and seems to think he has superpowers after Kyla points out once again, that he hasn't got "a scratch on 'em." What's the obsession with scratches? I'd be like, "Where's your arm, pretty boy? Didn't lose any limbs in that ditch of yours?"

Carly: "Well, they wrapped up that storyline real quick."
Riese: "What was even the point of that? It was like 20 seconds of danger and now he's fine? That's it?"
Carly: "It's internal bleeding! I saw it on Grey's Anatomy!"
Riese: "It's his bleeding heart, bleeding for his lesbian exes."
[and Oh's!]


What About All Her Cleverly Planned Meals? Aiden thought after feeding the hungry all day Kyla'd be a little hungry herself and maybe she would like to satiate her appetite by eating Aiden and/or lunch. And so they lunch.

Riese: "She's hungry after serving food? I would've been stealing extras all day."
Carly: "One for me ... one for you ... one for me ... one for you ..."
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Just like Aiden, our hands can turn into wings and fly away! Fah fah away, away from here.
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Carly: "He's gonna think he's superhuman now."
Riese: "But he already did that a few episodes ago after the shooting."
Carly: "No it's gonna be for real this time, I can feel it."
Riese: "But he's in the finale."
Carly: "What finale?"
Riese: "The three minute finale. Maybe it takes place in the afterlife."
Carly: With Dana?
Riese: With Dana and all the unjustly killed characters from television past. Jenny, obvs. Nate Fisher. Jen from Dawson's Creek,, Dawson's Dad, David's friend who killed himself on 90210 ... JT from Degrassi ...

[sidenote, that'd be a really sweet show!]
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Back at Ashley's Dollhouse Crashpad ...


Riese: "Oh it's Carmen! She has a new job as a Geisha -- oh never mind, it's just one of those silk robes they have lying around."
Carly: "She dresses nice for a homeless person."
Riese: "Is it just me or is she way hotter this episode?"


The Camera adds Ten Hotness Points Spencer comes over lookin' for Ashley but she's not there (she's AT EGO! Playing her fiddle for OTHER GIRLS!), but the house-girl says Ashley'll be back soon. In the meantime, Spencer's gonna film Carmen for her special movie about "the future." Carmen's a "no day but today" kind of girl. She's happy to live in her car, or in an expensive loft, or on the beach. She's easy like Sunday Morning.

Re: Spencer's "film"? I can't imagine anything being more interesting than additional footage of this captivating show, I cannot wait to see this doc. Coincidentialy, I've been putting together a film about how paint dries, I believe I mentioned it in last episode's recap.

Heart Warming-Moment #1: Carmen Apologizes to Spencer for the Shove Heard 'Round the World
Carmen asks if Ashley knows what happened wih Carmen & Spencer. Spencer says Ashley don't know nothing. Well, I do! Carmen had a bad temper and pushed Spencer against the wall, and the whole scene made my stomach hurt kinda. Carmen then segues into telling Spencer that: "that night is the biggest reason why I left my Mom's. Living there, it made me the kind of person that could shove you like that."

Maybe I'm a masochist, but I feel like Carmen's being sort of sexy right now. Totes forgiven. She'd be a legit threat to the Spashley Union if the show wasn't almost over. I can't figure out if we're supposed to like her or not, but I am a fan of personality evolution and I'm glad that Carmen has seen the error of her ways before she got legit abusive. All's well that end's well. Like this show? It's gonna end. Friday night December 12th. Ixnay on the Outhsay.


Chains of Love
Ashley, entering the loft all high on life following her allegedly Encore'd performance at Egocentric, knows there's more than one way to hang a beaded curtain. In addition to its apparently magical properties as a legitimate door, the curtain also functions as an outfit. I'd say "at least her bra's not showing," but we're kinda grabbing for straws here. Not between Ashley's legs, that'd a tight fit with the leather she's got wrapped around her thighs.

Anyhow! This fashion mistake still feels ready to get all judgey on Carmen, who's bra, I might add, IS showing.
Ashley: "Whoa, uh, house sponge, is that Kyla's outfit?"
Carly: "'Cause if so, you better take that off, 'cause it is probably polluted."
Riese: "That robe's got SARS all over itself."
Spencer: "Ashley, be nice."
Ashley: "I'm being so nice. I've opened up my loft to a complete weirdo doodling ex girlfriend --"
I actually LOL'ed when Ashley said that.(Quote of the Week!) Can we incorporate "complete weirdo doodling [noun]" into our vocab stat?

Spencer's upset 'cause she wanted to see Ashley perform and Ashley didn't even tell her about the performance. Ashley says she didn't want to be on camera, and Spencer says she could've left it at home, and Ashley says she knows how much this "little project" means to Spencer and Smokey the Bear says Only YOU Can fight forest fires and Paper McClip says:

... and then I say no, I can write my own moterfucking letter, and then Spencer's upset that Ashley called it a "little project," because she can do her little project without help and it looks like lesbians have a lot of feelings, anyhow whatevs Spencer's gtg work on her little project. Don't show this tip again, nannyf*cking paperclip a**hole.
Carly: "Those are good doors, look at those giant fucking doors!"
Riese: "Look how they open and close, unlike a beaded curtain."
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I'm Not a Girl ... Not Yet a Woman or a Songwriter

Riese: "Hey it's Ashley's bra!"
Carly: "That's so weird, that it's like showing."
Ashley's secretly been writing bajillions of songs, songs SO fantastic that Ethan thinks with the right performer, they could really sell. That doesn't make sense, she's an acoustic performer, why the hell would she need someone to front her songs, that'd be like getting Britney to do Ani DiFranco. Also, she's already hot, so basically it'd be like getting Britney to do Hannah Montana or whatever that girl's name is.

But Ethan wants "the next Pussycat Doll" (why?)-- "badass," the "whole package" with "solid dance moves." Maybe he went to an Indigo Girls concert and got scared about lesbians dancing to acoustic rock music and thought he should bring in some new het-talent. Luckily he's got just the "girl" (therefore blowing the possibility that it's Glen)! Who is it? Who's it gonna be?

Oh! It's Madison! Madison is a recappers dream 'cause she has lots of facial expressions.

This is the Baby Girl Listen Up face. Kit Porter does it too.
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Ashley: "Am I being Punk'd?"
Madison: "Like anybody cares enough to punk YOU."
Jannika: "OH SNAP!"
Ashley: "I thought JT didn't want your sexy back back."
Carly: "Oh, she went there."
Riese: "Just like we did, last week."
Carly: "We made that joke first! We made it first!"

Us laughing at our own jokes.
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I Wish That We Didn't Have to Go About Things This Way. Ashley asks if she's worried that people will think they kissed behind the bleachers. But no, that's not the problem, hello if Katy Perry can kiss a girl, like it, hope her boyfriend don't mind it, and end up on the cover of OUT magazine ... but, on the other hand, one must avoid Boy George territory at all costs. The truth is Madison doesn't want to mar her shiny reputation with Ashley's sullen bisexual nonsense.

Well! Ashley don't wanna be fronted by someone who "up 'til a year ago, didn't dance without pom-poms."

Well Get This! Madison doesn't "want songs written by people who stopped reading in the fifth grade."

That's a reasonable concern, considering the only Ashley song we know of is the one about when her dog Buttons died. Probs the other ones are about rainbows and multiplication, it's like Schoolhouse Rock but sexy. I mean, Sexy & Badass w/Hot Dance Moves.

Riese: "I'm on Team Madison."
Carly: "Yeah me too. Ashley, put your bra away!"


Ashley: "Well you wouldn't understand [my songs] anyway. They're about people with feelings."
Madison: "I live in the real world, not in my dollhouse loft, and I'm actually serious about making it."
Jannika: "Speaking of stopping being polite, starting to get real, and dollhouse lofts, anyone wanna make out with my Real Doll ? What ew, don't kiss her, what is this, there must be mixed signals happening, she wasn't hitting on you, she's a doll."

That would've been better if she'd been like "This isn't Second Life, Ashley. I'm a real human being who lives and breathes and I want my fans to be more than just AVATARS!"
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Up on the Roof of Someplace Random, Aiden is looking grizzled and restless. I hope he knows the "Lucky 13" on his shirt isn't for real lucky ...

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Carly: "What is Aiden doing?"
Riese: "He's testing death?"
Carly: "Oh my God, really, in the penultimate episode, we're gonna go there?"
Riese: "It's like Heroes, now he's gonna fly."
Carly: "He's gonna fly like Nathan Petrelli!"
Riese: "They're even playing the Heroes music!"
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++Aiden drops a bottle to see if gravity's still doing its thing (he's not the brightest bulb in the socket, remember). The bottle breaks, alerting Kyla, who comes running out of mystery building (looks like a motel where alcoholics come to die) looking quite foxy.

I wish you'd step back from the ledge my friend Where the F are they, and who sweeps the roof onto the ground? That's just redistributing dirt to a lower ground level. The best part of this is that Kyla asks him to "Step off from the ledge," like that Third Eye Blind song they in Road Rules for the "make a suicide prevention PSA" challenge. You probs have no idea what I'm talking about, but Carly totally does, AND she even brought it up before I did. Because we're special/lame/awesome.

Aiden wants to know what'd happen if he jumped. Kyla informs him that he would break his neck. Aiden's 95% sure he can fly, but he defers to Kyla's greater knowledge on this issue. Good thinking Aiden: if you show everyone your superpowers, they'll start to harvest you and study you like an animal. I learned that on Heroes and X-Men.
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For Example, This Outfit? Found in the Dumpster. Ashley can play a guitar, but Carmen can WEAR guitars on her EARS. Spencer's filming Carmen dishin' about dumpster diving but Spencer calls her out and says "don't fake it, be yourself." "I ate fast food," Carmen relents. "Is that cinema veritae enough for you?" Damn, dropping the big words and everything.
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Riese: "She's got this whole like drive-in diner look going on?"
Carly: "Slash Hot Topic."

I also like big earrings.
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Back at Casa Carlin ...

I Gotta Get This Ho' Into a Different Area Code Spencer asks Dear Dad to help find another place for Carmen to live, so she doesn't end up like Jewel all alone in her car forevs and evs. Though disturbed by Carmen's history of shoving, he agrees to help, and then Hey Paula shows up with Spencer's very thin acceptance letter to Worthington.
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Carly: "Worthington? Where's that?"
Riese: "I think that's where Joey Potter went."
++ Spencer ain't gonna tell Ashley about her acceptance, 'cause Ashley "gets upset" when she "talks about college." Basically, Ashley & Spencer are not happy about anything the other person does unless it's somethng they do together, in the same room. Bad sign for future health of relationship, they need to be more open, supportive, and not take everything so personally. Woman eat woman world, ladies.

If this show kept going, Carly & I feel Spashley would've kept dating, then broken up a few months into freshman year to "explore other options," then gotten back together right before Spencer graduates and then gotten married. Except that's illegal now, so, I guess they'd just have a commitment ceremony.
++ Back at Ashley's Dollhouse Loft ... Spencer enters just as Carmen is tipping the cards in her own favor by validating Ashley and saying it's bullshit that Ethan's treating her so bad and wanting to front her masterpieces with Madison's only semi-sexy back.

Encircle Ashley, she needs to be taken down Well, this is a pretty good representation of a lesbian lifestyle. Thank you South of Nowhere, for getting it right. We've got the ex-girlfriend crashing, the guitar, the girlfriends who fought earlier apologizing and accepting blame, and stroking each other's hair. Actually the physical position that Ashley & Spencer are in right now is one I am often in with my bffs Haviland and/or Natalie. We switch positions. I cry, they cry, I cry, they cry, we all cry and then eat ice cream.

Spencer argues that Ethan's idea is really good and they could really make it! SOMEONE TELL ME, what is the problem with Ashley doing it herself? Srsly, I don't get it, she's HOT!

This reminds me of conversations I've had in which my significant other -- who's supposed to reflect my feelings back to me and affirm my opinion -- instead takes the other guy's side, therefore burning me up with the fury of a thousand suns. I've been talking about myself a lot this recap, maybe 'cause it's actually about real things and not about Glen.

Not-So Happy Phantom
Ashley says: "That would be like J-Lo singing Tori Amos!"
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Carly: "I get the J-Lo thing, but she is not Tori Amos."
Riese: "Tori Amos's bra is never showing."
Carly: "First problem, get some long fucking hippie skirts, second problem, put your bra away."
Riese: "Thirdly, hello! Put your music on myspace!
Carly: "Have you ever heard of myspace? Myspace dot com? A place for friends?"
Carmen says that Ashley consenting would be like someone passing off her paintings as their own. Epic fail Carmen, it is not like that at all. I mean, also, I'm pretty sure Tinkerbell could pass off one of your "paintings" as her own and no-one would second-guess it. Does anyone remember Carmen's art from last season? Let me remind you:

Carly: "What is she wearing now?"
Riese: "She's ripped the beads off all the walls and now she's gone for the bicycle chains."
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Go Ahead and tell me what my future looks like. Madison's over, it's a big apology day. Madison's just worried that Ethan's a skeeze and she's very serious about her career. She la-la-LOVES Ashley's demo, but they need to "lay in a little base and some of the songs are kinda high [for her.]" I'm still confused why they need a hot girl to front another hot girl. Ashley likes 'em just the way they are -- but luckily she's written a new song just for Madison. It's called "Life's a bitch and so am I." I think she got that from a Cathy cartoon or a bumper sticker. Madison's facial expression up there pretty much says it all.

Carly is inspired by this union to make up her own song, these are the lyrics: "I suck I'm a bitch I just dance with pom-poms!"
Really you should hear her sing it, it's quite fantastic.
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Evolution is an Important and Often Violent Process, Kyla.

Back to Heroes! Aiden thinks if he'd jumped off the roof, he would've bounced off it without a scratch. They're OBSESSED with scratches. Aiden says it's a miracle that he's alive, he can't sleep at night, and when he gets to an intersection he's got this huge desire to just run out into traffic. This kid needs a thearpist, stat. Or else this is totally becoming Heroes, which would be awesome.

Do you ever... get the feeling that you were meant to do something extraordinary?
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Then Kyla slaps him in the face and tells him off. It's AMAZING.
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A Superhero Does Not Use His Powers For Personal Gain.
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Heartwarming Moment #2: Kyla Tells Aiden Off For Being an Ungrateful Brat
Kyla: "What is wrong with you? You are not Superman, Aiden. You are just a guy who should be really really happy that he's still here. Twice in the past year you almost died. And maybe it is luck or maybe it's G-d. but either way you're here right now and you have been given a gift. And maybe you are here for some bigger purpose or whatever but maybe all of this happened so that you can appreciate what you DO have. So stop being so frivolous with your life!"
Aiden: "What about my life is worth living? I can't sleep, I'm constantly panicked, I'm some miracle."
Kyla: "To me, you are!"
Then Kyla lays a big smacker on his luscious lips. Hopefully, when Aiden looks back on this moment, he'll remember this as the day he stopped thinking about his own hunger for destruction and instead thought about the hunger of homeless and needy people worldwide, which he could fix for less than the price of a cup of coffee. Perhaps he could even work with accident victims to bring a better life to other humans? Just throwin' it out there. For Fan Fiction, I guess. Did I mention this show's almost over?

Kyla's MY HERO. I hope he changes. Um in the next 22 minutes, 'cause the season is almost O-V-E-R over.
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Back at the Dollhouse ...

It's a Hard-Knock Life For Carmen Spencer's so happy 'cause Dear Dad found a great little home for Carmen to live in! But um, Carmen's currently living rent-free in a hot expensive loft with a bunch of independently wealthy hot chicks frequestly visited by the ex she still pines for, she's not gonna give that shit up to go live with a bunch of punks in an empty belly life, rotten smelly life, etc. That sucks, when you get someone to pull strings for your ex-girlfriend and she doesn't even accept the help, that kinda makes Spencer look bad in front of Dear Old Dad. Now that Glen is a golden boy/totally absent, someone's gonna have to be the new fuck-up.
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Together Again, It Feels So Good to be Together Again! The beat goes on as Madison and Ashely exit from a hot steamy jam session, talking complete nonsense about how the album is gonna be "solid once we find the right songs." Yeah, my album's gonna be solid when I find the right songs too.

However they've already got the really important stuff under control -- Carmen's gonna stick around and put together "mad sketches" for the album cover. That part of the process is at least a year away ... well, that don't matter no more. 'Cause the show's gonna be over in like five hours (I'm writing this on Friday December 12th at 4:03 P.M.)