[If you're looking for my S6 DOJ rant ("The L Word, Like the Cat, Has Nine Times to Die"), it's here. And Farm Spoilers are here and here.]
I'm pleased to report that while Ilene was announcing the upcoming murder of my favorite L Word bundle of psychotic joy (Jenny), the kind people over at The N were doing something GOOD for us -- they granted us an entire episode that was not only occasionally funny and almost good, but 100% Glen-Free!
Probs Glen & Chelsea are doing that things brand-new couples always do. You know, they get totally obsessed with each other, go into hiding and bone all the time, oversleep and forget to return phone calls, lose track of time, fall behind on other life commitments and then, when these commitments come 'a knockin', the couple starts resenting each other and they then enter a state which vacillates wildly from "good" to "fighting" for the next 7-8 months leading to eventually one significant blow-out at which point you either break up or get married or one member of the couple gets into Worthington, the most prestigious [imaginary] academic institution on the eastern seabord, and flees California forevermore.
Also apologies that this recap isn't that funny. I tried! It's hard to get steam this late in the game for a show who's fate's already sealed and will air tonight December 12th at 8 P.M. in a special hour-long episode.
Here we are! Trying to smile!
Make New Sons, But Keep the Old, One is Silver and the Other is Gold and the other is Black and Dead
It's sort of like The O.C. now, where everyone's just living at each other's houses all the time. It's not that easy in real life kids. There's rules, there's only so many towels to go around, what if they use whole milk and you prefer skim, maybe your hosts wanted to drink the whiskey that you drank last night, etc etc.
What I'm saying is; He's Defo Not a Bird, Could Possibly Be a Plane ...
Egocentric: Also Uses Beaded Curtains
Save the Soup Kitchen Girl, Save the World
Carly: "Well, they wrapped up that storyline real quick."
Riese: "What was even the point of that? It was like 20 seconds of danger and now he's fine? That's it?"
Carly: "It's internal bleeding! I saw it on Grey's Anatomy!"
Riese: "It's his bleeding heart, bleeding for his lesbian exes."
What About All Her Cleverly Planned Meals?
Carly: "One for me ... one for you ... one for me ... one for you ..."
Just like Aiden, our hands can turn into wings and fly away! Fah fah away, away from here.
Carly: "He's gonna think he's superhuman now."
Riese: "But he already did that a few episodes ago after the shooting."
Carly: "No it's gonna be for real this time, I can feel it."
Riese: "But he's in the finale."
Carly: "What finale?"
Riese: "The three minute finale. Maybe it takes place in the afterlife."
Carly: With Dana?
Riese: With Dana and all the unjustly killed characters from television past. Jenny, obvs. Nate Fisher. Jen from Dawson's Creek,, Dawson's Dad, David's friend who killed himself on 90210 ... JT from Degrassi ...
[sidenote, that'd be a really sweet show!]
Back at Ashley's Dollhouse Crashpad ...
Riese: "Oh it's Carmen! She has a new job as a Geisha -- oh never mind, it's just one of those silk robes they have lying around."
Carly: "She dresses nice for a homeless person."
Riese: "Is it just me or is she way hotter this episode?"
The Camera adds Ten Hotness Points
Re: Spencer's "film"? I can't imagine anything being more interesting than additional footage of this captivating show, I cannot wait to see this doc. Coincidentialy, I've been putting together a film about how paint dries, I believe I mentioned it in last episode's recap.
Heart Warming-Moment #1: Carmen Apologizes to Spencer for the Shove Heard 'Round the World
Carmen asks if Ashley knows what happened wih Carmen & Spencer. Spencer says Ashley don't know nothing. Well, I do! Carmen had a bad temper and pushed Spencer against the wall, and the whole scene made my stomach hurt kinda. Carmen then segues into telling Spencer that: "that night is the biggest reason why I left my Mom's. Living there, it made me the kind of person that could shove you like that."
Maybe I'm a masochist, but I feel like Carmen's being sort of sexy right now. Totes forgiven. She'd be a legit threat to the Spashley Union if the show wasn't almost over. I can't figure out if we're supposed to like her or not, but I am a fan of personality evolution and I'm glad that Carmen has seen the error of her ways before she got legit abusive. All's well that end's well. Like this show? It's gonna end. Friday night December 12th. Ixnay on the Outhsay.
Chains of Love
Ashley, entering the loft all high on life following her allegedly Encore'd performance at Egocentric, knows there's more than one way to hang a beaded curtain. In addition to its apparently magical properties as a legitimate door, the curtain also functions as an outfit. I'd say "at least her bra's not showing," but we're kinda grabbing for straws here. Not between Ashley's legs, that'd a tight fit with the leather she's got wrapped around her thighs.
Anyhow! This fashion mistake still feels ready to get all judgey on Carmen, who's bra, I might add, IS showing.
Carly: "'Cause if so, you better take that off, 'cause it is probably polluted."
Riese: "That robe's got SARS all over itself."
Spencer: "Ashley, be nice."
Ashley: "I'm being so nice. I've opened up my loft to a complete weirdo doodling ex girlfriend --"
I actually LOL'ed when Ashley said that.(Quote of the Week!) Can we incorporate "complete weirdo doodling [noun]" into our vocab stat?
Spencer's upset 'cause she wanted to see Ashley perform and Ashley didn't even tell her about the performance. Ashley says she didn't want to be on camera, and Spencer says she could've left it at home, and Ashley says she knows how much this "little project" means to Spencer and Smokey the Bear says Only YOU Can fight forest fires and Paper McClip says:
... and then I say no, I can write my own moterfucking letter, and then Spencer's upset that Ashley called it a "little project," because she can do her little project without help and it looks like lesbians have a lot of feelings, anyhow whatevs Spencer's gtg work on her little project. Don't show this tip again, nannyf*cking paperclip a**hole.
Riese: "Look how they open and close, unlike a beaded curtain."
I'm Not a Girl ... Not Yet a Woman or a Songwriter
Riese: "Hey it's Ashley's bra!"
Carly: "That's so weird, that it's like showing."
Ashley's secretly been writing bajillions of songs, songs SO fantastic that Ethan thinks with the right performer, they could really sell. That doesn't make sense, she's an acoustic performer, why the hell would she need someone to front her songs, that'd be like getting Britney to do Ani DiFranco. Also, she's already hot, so basically it'd be like getting Britney to do Hannah Montana or whatever that girl's name is.
But Ethan wants "the next Pussycat Doll" (why?)-- "badass," the "whole package" with "solid dance moves." Maybe he went to an Indigo Girls concert and got scared about lesbians dancing to acoustic rock music and thought he should bring in some new het-talent. Luckily he's got just the "girl" (therefore blowing the possibility that it's Glen)! Who is it? Who's it gonna be?
This is the Baby Girl Listen Up face. Kit Porter does it too.
Madison: "Like anybody cares enough to punk YOU."
Jannika: "OH SNAP!"
Ashley: "I thought JT didn't want your sexy back back."
Carly: "Oh, she went there."
Riese: "Just like we did, last week."
Carly: "We made that joke first! We made it first!"
Us laughing at our own jokes.
I Wish That We Didn't Have to Go About Things This Way.
Well! Ashley don't wanna be fronted by someone who "up 'til a year ago, didn't dance without pom-poms."
Well Get This! Madison doesn't "want songs written by people who stopped reading in the fifth grade."
That's a reasonable concern, considering the only Ashley song we know of is the one about when her dog Buttons died. Probs the other ones are about rainbows and multiplication, it's like Schoolhouse Rock but sexy. I mean, Sexy & Badass w/Hot Dance Moves.
Riese: "I'm on Team Madison."
Carly: "Yeah me too. Ashley, put your bra away!"
Madison: "I live in the real world, not in my dollhouse loft, and I'm actually serious about making it."
Jannika: "Speaking of stopping being polite, starting to get real, and dollhouse lofts, anyone wanna make out with my Real Doll ? What ew, don't kiss her, what is this, there must be mixed signals happening, she wasn't hitting on you, she's a doll."
That would've been better if she'd been like "This isn't Second Life, Ashley. I'm a real human being who lives and breathes and I want my fans to be more than just AVATARS!"
Up on the Roof of Someplace Random, Aiden is looking grizzled and restless. I hope he knows the "Lucky 13" on his shirt isn't for real lucky ...
Carly: "What is Aiden doing?"
Riese: "He's testing death?"
Carly: "Oh my God, really, in the penultimate episode, we're gonna go there?"
Riese: "It's like Heroes, now he's gonna fly."
Carly: "He's gonna fly like Nathan Petrelli!"
Riese: "They're even playing the Heroes music!"
I wish you'd step back from the ledge my friend
Aiden wants to know what'd happen if he jumped. Kyla informs him that he would break his neck. Aiden's 95% sure he can fly, but he defers to Kyla's greater knowledge on this issue. Good thinking Aiden: if you show everyone your superpowers, they'll start to harvest you and study you like an animal. I learned that on Heroes and X-Men.
For Example, This Outfit? Found in the Dumpster.
Riese: "She's got this whole like drive-in diner look going on?"
Carly: "Slash Hot Topic."
I also like big earrings.
Back at Casa Carlin ...
I Gotta Get This Ho' Into a Different Area Code
Carly: "Worthington? Where's that?"
Riese: "I think that's where Joey Potter went."
If this show kept going, Carly & I feel Spashley would've kept dating, then broken up a few months into freshman year to "explore other options," then gotten back together right before Spencer graduates and then gotten married. Except that's illegal now, so, I guess they'd just have a commitment ceremony.
Encircle Ashley, she needs to be taken down
Spencer argues that Ethan's idea is really good and they could really make it! SOMEONE TELL ME, what is the problem with Ashley doing it herself? Srsly, I don't get it, she's HOT!
This reminds me of conversations I've had in which my significant other -- who's supposed to reflect my feelings back to me and affirm my opinion -- instead takes the other guy's side, therefore burning me up with the fury of a thousand suns. I've been talking about myself a lot this recap, maybe 'cause it's actually about real things and not about Glen.
Not-So Happy Phantom
Ashley says: "That would be like J-Lo singing Tori Amos!"
Carly: "I get the J-Lo thing, but she is not Tori Amos."
Riese: "Tori Amos's bra is never showing."
Carly: "First problem, get some long fucking hippie skirts, second problem, put your bra away."
Riese: "Thirdly, hello! Put your music on myspace!
Carly: "Have you ever heard of myspace? Myspace dot com? A place for friends?"
Carmen says that Ashley consenting would be like someone passing off her paintings as their own. Epic fail Carmen, it is not like that at all. I mean, also, I'm pretty sure Tinkerbell could pass off one of your "paintings" as her own and no-one would second-guess it. Does anyone remember Carmen's art from last season? Let me remind you:
©2008 Carmen De La Pica NoCasa
The next day ...
Carly: "What is she wearing now?"
Riese: "She's ripped the beads off all the walls and now she's gone for the bicycle chains."
Go Ahead and tell me what my future looks like.
Carly is inspired by this union to make up her own song, these are the lyrics: "I suck I'm a bitch I just dance with pom-poms!"
Really you should hear her sing it, it's quite fantastic.
Evolution is an Important and Often Violent Process, Kyla.
Do you ever... get the feeling that you were meant to do something extraordinary?
Then Kyla slaps him in the face and tells him off. It's AMAZING.
A Superhero Does Not Use His Powers For Personal Gain.
Kyla: "What is wrong with you? You are not Superman, Aiden. You are just a guy who should be really really happy that he's still here. Twice in the past year you almost died. And maybe it is luck or maybe it's G-d. but either way you're here right now and you have been given a gift. And maybe you are here for some bigger purpose or whatever but maybe all of this happened so that you can appreciate what you DO have. So stop being so frivolous with your life!"
Aiden: "What about my life is worth living? I can't sleep, I'm constantly panicked, I'm some miracle."
Kyla: "To me, you are!"
Then Kyla lays a big smacker on his luscious lips. Hopefully, when Aiden looks back on this moment, he'll remember this as the day he stopped thinking about his own hunger for destruction and instead thought about the hunger of homeless and needy people worldwide, which he could fix for less than the price of a cup of coffee. Perhaps he could even work with accident victims to bring a better life to other humans? Just throwin' it out there. For Fan Fiction, I guess. Did I mention this show's almost over?
Kyla's MY HERO. I hope he changes. Um in the next 22 minutes, 'cause the season is almost O-V-E-R over.
Back at the Dollhouse ...
It's a Hard-Knock Life For Carmen
Together Again, It Feels So Good to be Together Again!
However they've already got the really important stuff under control -- Carmen's gonna stick around and put together "mad sketches" for the album cover. That part of the process is at least a year away ... well, that don't matter no more. 'Cause the show's gonna be over in like five hours (I'm writing this on Friday December 12th at 4:03 P.M.)