Remember that show South of Nowhere? Well too bad 'cause it's over now, you should've appreciated it more while you had it, like your first wife. This is why we don't own nice things. For example, I own a nice computer. This weekend a candle flew off the shelf and landed on my computer and all the wax took residence beneath my keyboard. I won't get it back for another 7-9 days and it's gonna cost a pretty penny, but I'm borrowing a friend's computer right now so that's not actually my excuse for why this recap is weeks late. I have no excuse, except that as Carly recently noted, the comment count on SON recaps has been decreasing steadily at an alarming rate and therefore I'm wondering if anyone still cares? I hope so. I hope your caring is at least equivalent to my obsession with follow-through. I will finish Season Three Dammit, I will. And you will LAUGH. We will have FUN. We never have FUN anymore!
Look at the fun we had a few weeks ago!
JK we still have fun all the time. For example: today I bring you the long-awaited recap of South of Nowhere Episode 316: "On the Precipice." Because of our important lives and demanding Jewish families during this holiday season, Carly and I were not able to enjoy the finale together (thus the recycled photo above), but I've included her comments which she graciously shared with me via e-mail. Also we are saving our mutual comedic brilliance related energy for Season Six of The L Word, otherwise known as Law and Order: Ilene's Intent.
I've kinda proof-read this recap and I'd like to alert you that this recap gets better as it goes on. Starts slow but gathers serious steam, I promise.
I have only one big question for myself: do I start recapping shows exactly when they begin to suck, or do they suck because I've decided to recap them, and submitting said shows to such intense scrutiny makes me dislike them? I mean by the end of this episode, it is not at all confusing how this show got canceled. That being said, I think pretty much every show on teevee deserves to be canceled except for: Weeds, The Office, 30 Rock (I've never seen it, but I hear good things), and Intervention.
Carly:"Edgy LA b-roll tells us we are in... LA!"
She's a Little Bit Country, I'm a Little Bit Rock 'n Roll I Mean GAY
Reason #450 Why They Need Real Doors
Carly: "OMG beaded curtain alert! The lesbosquad can totally see that Aiden and Kyla are meditating ... MEDITATING! AHHHHH! Do people really say "om" or is that some kind of TV myth?"
M.C. Escher is so Wild!
Glen talks a lot of shit, dude. They went to one museum and now he "gets" modern art? Doubtful. Look at Glen with his little Chelsea induced pep-in-the-step. Chelsea gets a letter from the art school in Paris -- they've decided to re-accept her after Clay's memorial thing, which I find strange and possibly false. Perhaps she's being punk'ed. Who's next? Me?
That's my picture of Glen, remember?
Glen can't wait for Chelsea to show "all those snobby Frenchies" her paintings. Me neither, they're gonna also feel somewhat punk'ed. 'Cause he works at Sportstime and lives with his parents, Glen's decided to invite himself along to Paris. I mean you can sell sporting goods anywhere, you know?
Carly: Chelsea took Glen to a museum. Clearly this is the first museum he has ever been to. Chelsea got into her Paris art school nonsense. This doesn't bode well. God Glen is annoying. Yes Glen, all French people are artists with mustaches. That's totally correct. Why does she want Glen AND Paris!? Just Paris!! That's enough!! OMG he's going to go with her. I hope she puts a stop to this asap. They look so awkward together, it's making me uncomfortable.
Or as the French Say, "Riz et haricots"
Carly: A sun-splashed Glen now tells his parents his new life plan. I like that the parents got dressed up for this meeting. Well, Dad did at least. Glen, there are no rice and beans in France, silly boy. I love that the Dad is totally tricked into thinking that Glenn has his shit together. We all know how this will end.Basically Chelsea is the hottest piece of ass he's ever gonna get and if he's gotta go abroad to keep it, abroad he will go.
Once Again, Ashley's Breasts Are Front-and-Center
Spencer's finally facing reality w/r/t her "film" -- she's got a bunch of footage featuring a bunch of boring people talking about nothing. [Carly: OOOO Final Cut Pro, my best friend and arch nemisis.] How's she gonna turn it into a movie? I'm not sure, but I hope it's Blackberry-compatible.
Ashley asks: "Wouldn't it be nice to have breakfast together every morning?" You know, like obsessive lesbians who want to get fat. Spencer dodges the topic -- she has to go interview Glen. Obvs he's on a very tight schedule and is a very important person, will probs save the film, etc.
Carly: Ashley is trying to be supportive but just sounds a little crazy. OMG is Ashley going to ask Spencer to move in with her? Surprisingly Ashley is trying to have an adult conversation here. Very interesting. My, how the tables have turned. What high school lets seniors turn in "movies" as thesis projects? That sounds insane.
I'd Compare You to a Summer's Day,
but I think the B-Roll is already doing that for me
Before going, Ashley delivers an inspired Shakespeare-esque monologue:
Am I your first or am I your forever?
Are you staying or are you leaving
Am I just some high school fling
Or do we actually have a future together?
Those are the lyrics to her first Top 40 hit. She'll need to change "together" to "wearing my ring" or "let's swing" so it'll rhyme, and maybe slather herself in oil, writhe around on a bench, and chant nonsensically. Then she'll be rich.
Aiden bought a car that runs on vegetable oil. It smells like french fries when you drive it. He apologizes that it lacks the 'sex appeal' of a bike but Kyla the environmentalist knows that being "green" and reducing one's carbon footprint is WAY hotter than a Mercedes.
Furthermore, Kyla realizes that he's probs just been inspired by Carmen's t-shirt, responsible for making many people "drive it like they mean it."
Aiden points out that there's room for two in the backseat. I hope he knows you can't drive from the backseat. He's not gonna cheat death anymore, good thing, someone might need his sperm in five years.
It's the Beret, Isn't it? You Want Me to Take it Off? There. Off. What now? Can I come now?
Glen is to "What are you saying?" as Max is to "You don't understand!" Glen never knows what anyone is ever saying. In this case, Chelsea's saying "I'm going to Paris without you, fool." This is bad news for Glen, who's already arranged with Goya to have rice & beans shipped abroad.
"Paris is a chance for me to be somebody new ... and I just feel like if you're there, then the old me is there." (Chelsea)You know, the her that would date a dude like Glen who works at Sportstime.
Carly: He's suffocating her new life before it even starts. Ruh roh! The sparkly chime sound reminds me that it's time to turn the page. Oh wait, this isn't a read-a-long book on tape.
"You know, Spencer, Alaska isn't a foreign country."
How on earth did Spencer snag an interview with Glen? Next thing you know she'll be hosting a Prime-Time exclusive with J.D Salinger.
Spencer asks, "How am I gonna have a future in filmmaking if I can't even make a three minute movie?" which is a really good question she should've asked several episodes ago.
Carly: Glenn is trying to be "funny" in his interview with Spencer. I hate this storyline like, a lot. Like, a lot-a lot. Honey, a "future in filmmaking" has nothing at all to do with a 3-minute piece of crap Handycam movie. God. She might as well be using iMovie, that's how relevant any of this is to anything else.
There's Our Little Girl Before She Became a Muff-Diver.
Carly: Dad is feeding Mom. Blah blah blah. What purpose do these scenes and these characters serve? Oh! A knock at the door. It's Chelsea. Crazy rambling Chelsea. Spencer fucks with Glenn, which I always appreciate. Then she gives him some advice that SHE WANTS ASHLEY TO TAKE. GET IT!? THANKS, SHOW! Tackling the tough issues, as always. The parents totally like Chelsea better than Glenn. I think they want to trade him in for her. What is this mystery food that Dad is feeding everyone? SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! Wa-wa-wait, Ashley is having a graduation dinner at her loft, and the parents are going too? I'm so confused. I love this show's excuses to get all of the characters into a room together for DRAMZ.
Also Chelsea's still doing that like bikini-tank top thing. Also this is the weirdest wtf-ist thing that happens in the entire show:
See that's more action than we ever get to see Spashley have. Basically, Chelsea's true Carlin love isn't Glen or Clay, it's Daddy-O. She just keeps moving from one family member to the next, next stop Spencer ideally.
Hey Paula does not seem to notice this instant love connection between her husband and the girl who's fucked both her sons. She doesn't see the trouble brewing before her very eyes, just like she didn't know Spencer was gonna turn out to be a carpet-muncher.
What's Up, it's Just me and my Ipex.
In any event, this scene is not about Ashley's bra, it's about Ashley's feelings. Specifically, she's pissed that Madison is listening to the song Ashley wrote for Spencer and furthermore that Madison seems prepared to make it her own, just like all those pretty bitches did to Carole King.
It's Already Been BROUGHTEN, Bitch.
Ooo baby baby, it's a wild world, etc.
Glen's trying to go to work like a responsible human, but Dear Dad wants to talk, mano-a-mano, clearly not caring that he's gonna get Glen fired. Sportstime is the best thing that's ever happened to Glen, Dear Dad needs to not fuck with that. Doesn't Dad have a job? Clearly they live in outer space, "South of Nowhere" means "in the solar system but not on earth." Um anyway Carly notes that "the only person on the planet with worse facial hair than Glenn, that I can think of, is Spencer Pratt. Barf." I note that MAX has worse facial hair, I also note that as I just said we're not dealing with a familiar planet here, it's like Homeboys in Outer Space, the short-lived UPN sitcom which obvs was also canceled. I'm defo not talking about this show anymore, I'm just like writing words. Lots and lots of words. I like chips.
Dad starts talking about how he met Paula in high school and Glen's like, "and then you lived happily ever after, I know that story." Yup we all do, but I have a feeling Dear Dad is gonna tell it again, but different this time, to fit with the latest plot development. And he does. He then adds: "Glen you deserve to have a life of your own, not to be an accessory of someone else's."
Speaking of accessories, I think Glen has some sweatsocks to sell. Let's get on with it.
Carly: Ashley arrives at Casa Spencer. Now I know that people are home, the dad was just talking to Glenn in the living room. No one cares about plot holes anymore cause it's the series finale. Ashley finds the letter from Worthington and realizes that Spencer is leaving her for college.
A Way to a Woman's Vagina is Through Her Stomach
Carly: If they hook up, I'm never going to watch this show AGAIN. Oh, wait. Right. Makes sense now. Carmen's shirt, I believe, says "have a gay day." Subtle.Carmen, clearly looking for a way into Ashley's teeny-tiny pants, rips on Spencer's eastern ambitions. "She can take queer theory classes and write slam poetry," Carmen says. I think she's talking about Sarah Lawrence, that's not where Spencer is going. Also I'd love to see them incorporate slam poetry into the plethora of artistic activities engaged in by these fascinating characters. One thing I can say for Glen is at least he's never tried to start a rock band or paint a picture.
Carmen tells Ashley: "We're a lot alike. We're not thinkers, we're doers. And we don't always do the right thing." Okay c'mon Spike Lee. (Carly: "You know, we're a lot alike. We're both not thinkers. And we have brown hair and like Spencer and Trouble." Gross city.) Then Carmen gives Ashley the lamest little peck on the lips in the history of thwarted make-out sessions.
Ashley: "What was that?"
Carmen: "Those were my smokin' hot MOVES, sister! C'mon baby, you know you want a piece of this."
Ashley: [gives clueless look of bewilderment]
Carmen: "No strings attached, baby. You can eat me out and get dessert too for only $3.99. Mmm hmm, cris-pay!"
(Some of this dialogue was changed because my memory is not perfect, but it's pretty close to what they said.)
It's hard to tell what Ashley's thinking because Mandy Musgrave has absolutely no expression in her face whatsoever. It's like Tina Kennard redux. She's probs thinking "Where's DJ Boz?" I know I am.
Spencer's apple-picking at the grocery store, one of many random activities engaged in by characters looking to run into other random characters that no one remembers. She just can't decide between boys and girls I mean Golden Delicious and MacIntoshes. Then wouldn't you know it, our good friend DJ Boz is there! Only now he's a CPA! I'm not sure how being an accountant makes him no longer the kind of person who might DJ, but whatevs.
Anyhow, kids -- here we have the wise black man. They come in packages at central casting. His mother is the Oracle from The Matrix. If you purchase the wise black man you get an all-inclusive package that also includes the goofy black man, the angry black man, the ex-con black man, and the black man who got shot because he hates gay people aka Clay. You know what this show could use though for real? The goofy black man.
CPA Boz: "Everyone changes Spencer, once you stop growing, you die, sometimes you're outside, sometimes it's on the inside, but we're all in the present, you know?"
Obvs Spencer needs to get this wise shit on tape.
Back at "The Food Pantry," Kyla and Aiden are speaking slowly with long pauses, maybe trying to kill time to make this an hour-long episode that doesn't involve any actual lesbian sex or naked lesbians making out or anything.
Carly: Am I supposed to really believe that all Kyla does anymore is feed homeless people and act all spiritual? I don't get it. They mention Clay. Existential chat time. Zzzzzzzz. Kyla says something I don't understand, I think she says she wants to marry Aiden? Or something? I don't care.
Aiden: "It's okay, neither do I."
Kyla:"Well, that's a relief ... but I do know one thing though ... you may not realize it yet, but one day, I'm gonna wake up and be Kyla Dennison."
I thought she was gonna say Jesus, and then she was gonna start her manic episode, and then we could really get out there with the people in the traffic and the death-defying stunts and the meditation and etc. But marrying Aiden? Wow. That's signing herself up for a lifetime of boring. Also never thought that she'd be the kind of girl to take the dude's name just like that. I mean how could she get rid of her legendary name from the legendary rock musician Ray Davies?
Aiden says this is total Deja Vu, except in his "memory," this scene took place in Vegas. I don't think he understands what "deja vu" is. Also sidenote; Aiden is a lesbian, clearly, as I've said all along, and has the U-Haul outside I'm sure.
Omg, they should GO to Vegas! You know what they say about Vegas right?
OMG IT'S GLEN AND CHELSEA AGAIN AND I DON'T CARE.
We'll Never Have Paris
It doesn't matter if Chelsea is here or on the moon, Glen is still gonna love her. I feel like that's a big commitment. The moon? There's no gravity on the moon Glen. What are you gonna do then. Get moon boots. This is out of control. Where's Papi. Glen eagerly removes his shirt. I don't need to show you that part, do I?
Carly: Chelsea is Jackson Pollock-ing a canvas, and Glenn shows up to drop some knowledge on her. He tells her to go to Paris without him, then they have sex and I throw up.
Carly: Spencer shows up. Ashley looks like the cat that ate the canary. She hugs Spencer and says nothing. Then apologizes. CHEATERRRR. Ashley kicked Carmen out! They didn't do it! Ahhh yay! Way to go Ashley. Way to be a good person. Thank god! Then they both get super weird. Ashley actually speaks her mind and doesn't act like a 3-year-old. Buuut then she makes me stick my foot in my mouth and totally dumbs it up.
That's lame, I already saw that movie. It was called Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
The Costume of the Day is Glam Rock.
It's time for the big party and per ush, Ashley IS NOT WEARING ANY CLOTHES AND HER FUCKING BRA IS SHOWING AGAIN.
Carly: Nighttime! Fancy graduation party at the loft, starring a chocolate fountain (fancy!), Ashley's bra (to be expected!), and Kyla in some flowy earth mothery dress (apparently normal!).
It's like a couples party. I had one of those once in junior high and my parents told me that no one was allowed to stick their tongues down each other's throats or they'd join the party and embarrass me. No such rules at this party.
um. ew. um. ew. um EW!
This is where we eat each other out
The Robes in Question
which P.S. have been worn by everyone.
Everyone is very possessive of their robes on this show.
Now it's the moment we've all been waiting for ... SPENCER'S BIG MOVIE! It's called Everything Changes, soundtrack by Keane, sentiment by Hallmark, editing by Tickle Me Elmo. Generally video doesn't go over well with this group, though they certainly do enjoy documenting themselves over and over again anyhow, just waiting for that magic moment.
You Think You Know, but I Have No Idea Either
Spencer has teamed up with the American Association of Lilac Trees to bring you a little documentary about her friends and her life where everyone takes themselves really seriously and Spencer talks strangely to the camera as though she's talking about people that matter. She sort of slaps everything together but doesn't really explain the character arcs. She usually provides the beginning, the end OR something else totally random.
Carly: Spencer's stupid movie basically recaps the entire series of the show. The Spencer interview segment totally her her in some kind of Palin jacket, which is weird. Lots of bad acting, that's all I see. Lamesville. I hate student films.
See, that's what we call the MONEY SHOT.
In the end Spencer believes that love can change everything! For example, possibly it could change her mind about where she wants to go to school. Everything is for love or for money, I think that's a Micheal J. Fox movie.
Carly: Thanks show, for getting everyone into a room to: 1) get them there, 2) tie up every plot line nicely, and 3) show Spencer's stupid movie. How on earth is that a graduation requirement? Whatever, show.
Now it's time for Ashley & Spencer to have a heart to heart. Good, let's wrap this puppy up.
Want the Floorplan to My Head and Heart? Ok then!
Spencer: "No I totally overreacted--" (I love you in spite of that red streak, p.s. put your bra away)
Ashley: "Listen to what I have to say.
I apologize all the time and I never do it right so I want to this time.
I wanted to apologize for trying to hold you back when there's an entire world out there that wants to know who you are. For pressuring you about the future when I'm the one who's scared ('cause I don't even got my GED), and for your graduation gift being lame (or late? I can't tell?) just like any other present I've given you, but wait I wanted to give you this."
This shit'll be worth mad dough on the bay dude
Carly: What is that? A vial of her blood?They have a sweet conversation about back when this show was good. Maybe these shows are only good until they come out and then it's not as fun because The Man won't let us see them do the horizontal mambo, so what's the point.
Remember when Glen wore that key around his neck all the time? Well now Spencer has one too -- Ashley asks her if she wants to move in! I actually did not see that coming, though Carly apparently did. Sweet pad dudes. What do they have in common again besides both being pretty? Oh well, who killed Jenny? Where's Papi? How many licks does it take -- um, anyhow. Spencer's gonna go to UCLA 'cause Worthington is too expensive. Good call, very sensible. Who wants a drink.
I wonder if this is for the outside door or for the apartment itself.
Not so fast, Carlin. This show is now so over, it needs a whole new word for OVER.
Carly: UCLA -- good film school, I hear. I refused to fill out their application 'cause it was literally 8 pages long and involved a lot of essays, so I was like no sir!
Carly: You guys, this is the lamest party I have ever seen.I hope Kyla and Aiden end up okay. Someone's gotta help that kid before he runs into traffic.
"Maybe I should keep my last name ..."
Anyhow! It's not over yet kids! 'Cause the show was canceled after the final episode was filmed, Aiden & Ashley & Spencer filmed a two-minute "wrap-up" websisode now viewable on the-n.com to conclude the season. I was very pumped to see how terrible this might be, following Gaby Christian's ringing endorsement of the piece in an AfterEllen interview:
"It's really cheesified. It's a two-minute webisode for a four-season series finale, so I had higher expectations, I guess I should say. But I mean, it's good. I think it's giving the fans what they want to see. But it just doesn't have much depth to it ... where we filmed the last TV episode, it's kind of like a cliffhanger ... then the two-minute webisode fast-forwards to five years later. It's like, "Oh! Happy-go-lucky people!" And I don't think life works that way. Our show was so authentic and so real – especially in the first season, which is still my favorite season – but we're so melodramatic [in the webisode], it's to the point where everything's completely predictable ... we just kinda did it to please the fan base."That's nice. I wish Ilene Chaiken did stuff like that. Imagine if they wrapped up TLW with a three-minute webisode where Bette and Tina were just dropping babies out of their vadges like vending machines, everyone would cream all over the MediaBlvd message boards.
Anyhow so onto the webisode -- Aiden and Ashley are debating names. Obvs Ashley is preggers.
Good job keeping the baby weight off.
She must have done yoga, she's
fit as a fiddle!
I hope they took a break at some point to make out with other ladies. Aiden wants to give the baby a Viking God name and instead they choose "Clay." I would've gone with "mortar" or "plaster," but that's just me. There's also some gratuitous discussion of eggs and sperm, I tuned that out.
Spencer is a hot little power lesbian.
Clay got shot and they want to name their kid after Clay? Nice one guys, that's a bad omen. I'm gonna name my kid Jenny Schecter. Wouldn't that be funny? If she had to explain it to everyone at the nursery? "Well there was this teevee show my Mom used to watch ..."
Carly: This is painful, you guys. Ashley is preggers. Spencer is a total power suit wearing lesbian. Aiden is a stockbroker. This is horrible. This would never never never happen. They're gonna name him Clay. Kill me, please, now. 23-year-old parents are great, really, totally. They do kiss a lot though, so this is a great webisode in my mind.
Well, it's been real. Now I can breathe for about two minutes before The L Word Season Six begins.