This episode was gay. I don't mean homosexual gay. I mean stupid gay. For the ten of you who are still watching this show and the three who are still reading this recap -- I apologize for our lateness. We are just soSO busy! Don't worry, heaps of fun is in store, it's just fashionably late fun. Speaking of fashion ...

Hi guys! Do you like our new haircuts?
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Well, we don't like your gay show!

++ Firstly, the editing on this episode was horrific. Carly, a prolific editor at gaystation Logo, pointed out that she's "done better highlight bars on Meet and Delete," which's a show she edited for Mtv-U. As the award-winning producer of FLIRT! with Haviland Stillwell and over #30 vlogs, I say ... "really South of Nowhere?" The musical montages?

Musical montages are acceptable -- even relished -- in the following situations:
1. House remodeling of any kind.
2. Makeovers.
3. Fun shopping trips with Serena & Blair and/or Jenny & Adele.
4. Hot sex scenes.
5. Photo shoots.
6. Graduation day at Saved by the Bell.
7. Descents into oblivion involving actual drugs being done.
8. Memories of wild European vacations a la The Rules of Attraction.

Those are just a few examples. "Conversation about being gay at the gay coffee shop," you may notice, is not on that list. Yet Spencer and Lily did just that in this episode. Musical montages are effectively employed by television shows to condense a series of physical actions/changes -- real, physical action -- with fast cuts and appropriate music. But when conversation is the action -- well, then you have to show the actual conversation, silly. I mean, Ilene Chaiken probs wouldn't do that. Except for that one episode with the crazy woman song with Kit and the Rockapellas.
The endorsement of beaded curtains continues as Ashley slams the laptop shut and storms into her room, shoving the beaded curtain aside. What's the fixation with beads? Got some beads up your butt? People are into that stuff. You won't see that on The N, but I'm telling you, I'm a blogger and I answer to nobody 'cause I do this for free, so I am telling you that there is a such thing as "anal beads," although I do not know what they are, I am very curious and again I will ask you to please give me any information you have on this topic.

Carly: Oh my God, I thought that was part of the music, like the background.
Riese: What, the beads?
Carly: Yeah I didn't think they possibly could've gone with a beaded curtain opening.
Riese: You thought it was all ambient like EZ Girl. Shane-shane-shane-fucking-fucking-fucking-shane-shane-

This is worse than when you wrote "for a good time call ashley davies" on the bathroom wall!
Ashley fishes through Kyla's drawers -- or maybe they're her own drawers (not those kinds of drawers, get your head out of the gutter, get the beads out of your butt!) -- looking for, we're guessing, a vibrator or cocaine. No dice, so Ashley yells and eventually shuts off the argument by putting on her headphones. "The ultimate diss!" Carly exclaims. Whatevs. I bet she's got some soothing sounds of the Eastern ocean on there, also: it's strange she's walking around with her ipod ready for blast-off. Ashley says Kyla better get her Soy Chips and get out of that apartment. That's harsh, what if she doesn't want Soy Chips anymore.

Kyla blames Jake for making her do all those crazy things and Ashley shoots back, "Did he hold a gun to your head?"

Riese: No but he put a penis to her head.
Carly: EW!

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If I were Kyla, I'd see if there was any way I could just leave the fashionista wardrobe there until I had a chance to get a girlfriend and consequentially a large vehicle to come pick it up. I know Kyla's not gay, but she just got fucked over by a dude, and that's how the gays become gay right? I don't mean stupid gay, I mean homosexual gay. Or is it 'cause they were neglected by their Dads? I forget. REPEAL PROPOSITION 8 THIS SATURDAY I WILL BE THERE, HAVILAND WILL BE THERE, YOU SHOULD BE TOO THANK YOU.
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Don't they look so cute at the Power Up thingie? Look at Mandy's glasses!!!! They're so cute!
Anyhow back to the show.
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Personally I Prefer the Trenchcoat, But That's Just Me
Dear Spencer you win the Really Papi Really fashion award and btw the couch hidden underneath our couch cover just called and it wants its vest back.

Spencer's gone to Ashley's to invite her out and share her enthusiasm for Egotastical: The Afternoon Version and its Brunch. Her endorsement is similar to Charlotte York' s affection for the rabbit, and later; babies, and Judaism. Ashley blows her off 'cause she's gonna do that thing where she messes everything up just when it's about to get good. Don't worry, there may by slow dancing later. Obviously Spencer has not yet seen the video, which Ashley brings up when explaining why she hasn't made it to the Java Hut yet.

"Oh my God," Spencer says, looking cute & concerned, which is one of 101 ways Spencer has of looking cute. "Was she naked?"

Carly: "No but my soul is!"
Riese: "Of course not, this is The N!"
++ Anyhow, Kyla's still wandering around looking lost, a la John McCain at the second presidential debate. Baby, that is not gonna get you an apartment.Take some cute photos and get on craigslist stat. On the upside, I'm glad that Ashley & Spencer will have the place to themselves to make out. I feel bad for Kyla almost. I mean she really has nobody now.

But All My Promises Go Out the Window Once You're Gone

Ashley is like I ain't your sister bitch. Go make me a Soy Chip Pie or get the fuck out of my sight. Also, Kyla: cute polo, lesbiatron. Ashley also says if Kyla isn't outta there in 24 hours, she will be. Given that option I'd be like, "Okay then, you go." 'Cause finding a new apartment is hard, especially when you're an unemployed underage washed up youtube star wearing last year's Abercrombie.

How did we get apartments? I dunno. Miracles.
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Onto Aiden's big date with his new girlfriend, Nikki Stevens from The L Word!

Carly: Oh! I wish she'd joined The L Word before the basketball episode.
Riese: That's not what anyone's boobs look like in a sports bra.

Down Low Too Slow!
Aiden and Nikki Stevens are shooting some b-ball outside of the school in matching gold lamè gay pants. What ripe, young vibrant specimens of youth! The lovely tans, the fantastic jump shots, the faux-edgy soft grrrl -wannabe pop-punk soundtrack. What's their secret? Secret Platinum Protection: works hard under pressure to fight odor and keep love -- and the ball -- up in the air where it belongs. See what I did there? I just made this into an ad. Because that's how this scene was shot & edited.

Terrible Musical Montage #1: I Smoke Fools Like You on the B-Ball Court
On a Scale of 1 to 10 (1 being bad, 10 being poking out our eyes with sporks) - 4.
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Carly: Uh-oh the blacks are here, we better leave!
Riese:It's Papi and her girlz from the hood!
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If there's nothing in there about SamRo & LiLo I am not buying it.
Then Nikki Stevens picks up a Tabloid with Ashley and Kyla on the front and goes "Oh man, look at this more trouble for the Davies sisters."Aiden sighs, "I don't know how this stuff gets out there," and we're wondering the same thing. That tabloid was just sitting there on the ground at the random basketball court? Carly asks, "Which one of these bros brought this shit out here?" and she means "brothers" as in black people, not brothers as in brothers. Not that there's anything wrong with that, FYI.
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Bad Musical Montage #2: Dear Mama
Scale 1-->10: 8 The cross dissolve, the grungy rock in the background ... yeah, it seemed cool at the time, didn't it? Getting high? Well, getting high can lead to getting low ... real low. So low even your own Mom doesn't wanna talk to you, let alone take you in. Quit before it's too late. Because no one really hearts rock bottom. See what I did there? Made this scene into a PSA. 'Cause that's how this scene was shot & edited.

our addictions? Riese = (whatever it is they do with tin foil) and Carly = (attractive apple products)
Then the crazy violins kick in as Kyla opens her drug vault, sees that it's not only empty but probs licked clean, and thrusts it to the ground. Wa-waa. Tell me that was the first time since Jake fled the coop that she looked for the drugs. Not that I know anything about this, but that's the first place I would've gone as soon as shit hit the fan. "Where's a chemical to take mefah fah away from here? Anyone? Cough syrup? Anything?"
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Back at The Ego Coffee Shoptacular ... Spencer's meeting up with Lily but guess who's already there lurking with her limbs and her Bloody Mary and her haircut ...!

JANNIKA!

Just a Little Something the Ladies Call Nipple Confidence.
Jannika comes on stronger than a fart in a crowded subway car, full-court pressing Spencer like there's a time limit, she may as well just ask if those are space pants. Luckily we added "Janika says something absurd" to the drinking game.

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The many seductive faces of Jannika:

Let's do it! I love girls!
+

What's your safety word, bitch?
+

I'd say I could fit about three fingers up there ... nah ... we'll start with two ...
+

+

I'm gonna eat you like a Jelly Donut on Fat Tuesday, baby.
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They offer Spencer a Bloody Mary but she declines.
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Jannika: "Nothing like a bloody in the morning to get a buzz going."
Translation: "I ate out my girlfriend this morning even though she was on her period."
Lily asks if Jannika's trying to "liquor up" their "little friend." Jannika replies, "Yeah, how else am I gonna get her to make out with me?" Clearly your charm and subtlety, Jannika, don't underestimate yourself, gawd, you're so insecure! "Shameless," taunts Lily. Jannika says that "Shameless" is her middle name but I doubt it, I bet her middle name is like, Elizabeth or Margaret.

Riese: "SHANELESS!"
Carly: "SHANELESS!"
Riese: "That's her middle name, 'cause that's what this scene is lacking, Shane."
Carly: "Jannika's just the latest in a long line of shaggy-haired pick-up artists, passing the torch --"
Riese: "But Shane would never stoop to coming on to someone like that. Shameless could learn some things from Shane-Less."
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In order to convince Spencer that her life has reached afternoon-drinking levels of disaster, they show her the video she hasn't seen yet, and ask her if Ashley really did sleep with Ethan. Spencer's like "no," and they're like "Are you sure?" and we're like "AS if!"

Coke-Berry

We have two major points to make here:
1. This video would never play on a blackberry, only on an iphone.
2. This is crap editing to the nth degree. It's like a picture of a blackberry with a photo of Kyla graphically imposed onto it, it looks awkward, it makes us both uncomfortable. I could do this on Final Cut. Hell I could probs do this in iMovie. THE NEW IMOVIE!
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Back to The Potato Pit
Anyhow, back to the Janika-themed portion of this episode. Ten minutes later, Spencer's drunk, and she's being introduced to the future of her life as a homosexual by listening to all the ridiculous gossip happening at The Planet Coffee Shop. Also Carly and I are getting nervous that Spencer's gonna cheat on Ashley 'cause we really need this to work out before seasons' end. Also, this dialogue makes Chaiken look like Mamet.
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Jannika: She's a major player in the lesbian mafia.
Translation: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm the coolest girl in school.
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Spencer: Ooo the lesbian mafia?
Translation: I'm drunk, I'm earnest, I'm the cutest girl in school.

Jannika: You're so cute!
Translation: When I'm done fucking you, you're gonna need to make an emergency next-day appointment with the gynecologist. Talk about a bloody.
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Back to Chez Carlin ...
Oh time for more love & kisses between people we don't want to see loving & kissing. Ta-da -- it's Hey Paula and Dear Dad. Hey Paula's on the couch underneath an afghan. Coincidentally, that's the same thing Chelsea was wearing when Clay got her preggers. It's very hot, the blanket thing. Glen got his job back, he's enrolling in SAT classes, and just saved 30% on car insurance by switching to Geiko.

Riese: SPORTSTIME!
Carly: Lance Bass hired him back!
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After Dear Dad wipes the pussy from his lips, he's clearly overjoyed that Glen's taking proactive steps towards accomplishing things. Now Dad can get back to fixing real problems, like getting this shirt off of Hey Paula and back into my grandma's nightie drawer where it belongs:

Yeah, I got it on Sale. Yeah at JCPenny's. Yeah it's Awesome.
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Best Hand Job Ever
Chelsea is still working on her Fistfucking Memorial Project that for some reason has been chosen to remember the life of Clay the Homophobe. Glen comments, re: the Famous Kyla Video, that Kyla must be "on something" -- he knows that look from that time he took two Oxys back in '05! Chelsea says she's gonna have to be "on something" to finish her sculpture. She should probs be on speed or another woman's wrist. Then she could make something even better, like this:

You go Jodi! YOU GO!
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But I don't Need a Smoke, You're So Smokin' HOT! Looks like they've closed down Brunch at the Planet or they're in a secret side room, which I imagine would actually be quite packed with lesbian affairs, as we all know how these things go. Jannika's heading out for a smoke, but Spencer took D.A.R.E and obvs knows better -- "that's so lame," Spencer says. Jannika says she's trying to quit and is down to a few packs a day. She must smoke them all right before bed, 'cause she seems to have gone many many hours without so far. "I need something to do with my hands," Jannika says, then strokes Spencer's hair. Since Jannika's been hitting on her aggressively and mercilessly all day, Spencer does what any young drunk inexperienced lez would do -- takes this opp to be the one to make the first move.

DRINK!

Carly: "OH MY GOD SPENCER DID THAT!"
*
Then Jannika pulls away ...
*
Jannika: "Sorry?"
Spencer: "No, I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."
Jannika: "I was totally just kidding around, I thought you knew that."
*
Unfortunately, the only way anyone would've known that would be if they also had a heart of fire and brimstone, but obvs Spencer does not, she hasn't even heard of the lesbian mafia and her Mom still wears florals during sexy time. Poor Spencer, I feel like now she'll be too nervous to ever make the first move again, 'cause nothing could've been as obvious as Jannika's stupid games. Ever notice that when Jannika walks out of a room some girl walks out crying or feeling very confused about the world? Just something I thought of. Also, what a waste of the Cheating Card!

MARINA -- I mean -- Jannika the Hut: "The thing is that I totally have a girlfriend, and you are really cute, but you're like in high school."
Spencer: "I mean totally, I have a girlfriend too, I don't know what I was thinking."
Jannika the Hut: "It's okay, just mixed signals."

Right, like how you gave off a signal that you wanted to take Spencer's clothes off, and Spencer gave a signal that she was young and inexperienced. Nice,Jannika.
++ Rebuffed and probs confused as to if she missed something learning the English language, Spencer retreats to the eating area to have coffee talk w/Lily, who assures her that's just Jannika's game. Yeah she could have said something earlier. Now Spencer's stomach hurts! Look!

My Doctor Said No-Jannika!
Lily: "Spencer, it wasn't you. That's just Jannika, she pulls that routine all the time ... the flirting, the teasing, the messing with your head to see if she can get you into her."
Spencer: "Oh my God, that's worse than high school."
Lily: "Oh come on, high school wasn't that bad."
I think Lily just made a joke!!

Spencer: Also Needs Something to Do With Her Hands
Spencer: "Are you kidding, high school sucks. I'm practically the only --"
Riese: "One of my friends that still actually goes to school!"
Lily: "--lesbian?"
Carly: "Except for my girlfriend Ashley."
Riese: "--who's no longer in school. She dropped out, obvs."
Carly: "Oh, right. Point made."
We then enter into a very very painful musical montage introduced by Spencer gushing over how much she loves The Planet and how she wishes she could hang out there all the time with other women who love women, touching each others soft skin, gazing into eyes, swapping brownie recipes and funny pictures of housecats and meeting other women who watch this show and could've kept it on the air.

Bad Musical Montage #3: Sharing is Caring
Scale of 1 to 10: So Bad we had to scream really loud through the whole thing just to live through it.

The only thing that could've made it worse would've been this:

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Back to that other sidewalk cafe ...
Aiden & Nikki Stevens are outside working but Aiden can't keep his hands off her and wants her to come with him to the Dresden Dolls at the Santa Monica Pier that night. Aiden smooches her and she relents, "Well you know what they say about all work and no play." I think they say that it makes Jack a dull boy. I'm not sure how that's relevant, but I'm not opposed to her going on a killing rampage just to spice things up.

Riese:"Ew, she doesn't even use a Mac."
Carly: "Ew, it's a white PC like it wishes it was a Mac."
Then Aiden checks his email and discovers that he didn't get into UCLA. See. We get to see this for ourselves when they zoom in on the email itself on the screen.

Bad Musical Montage #4: To Catch an Admissions Officer
Scale of 1 to 10: No words. I mean what do I need words for, when they're highlighting the computer screen already for me?

Okay, um, 2. The lyrics of the song are: "Sing for the teachers that told you that you couldn't sing, just sing." On the upside, they are playing the Dresden Dolls for real, which is actually really hot. But the Dresden Dolls are a bit more ironic/brill than this stupid/gay scene, so it's just you know ... mixed signals.

Speaking of ... now that Aiden's no longer UCLA-bound, Nikki Stevens' no longer interested in hanging out with him.

Lesbian Oil Wrestling later? GTG!

Aiden: "And you called Kyla shallow--
Nikki Stevens: "What?"
Aiden: "Come on Sasha, if you're gonna dump me because I didn't get in, at least call it what it is."
Nikki: "No, I'm just worried we might be going in different directions."

Right. See, this is "Sasha"'s direction ...


And this is Aiden's direction ...

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A Rose of My Heart's Desire for You
Ashley's shown up unannounced at Casa Carlin 'cause she must've read Hey Paula's twitter feed and seen that her and Dear Dad are out on a 'dinner date." Probs at Egorific. We have only one thing on our minds:

Riese: "Spencer don't tell her don't tell her!"
Carly: "Oh my god Spencer, don't tell her! Act like it never happened! Act like it never happened!"
Riese: "Ignorance is bliss Spencer, Ignorance is bliss!"
Carly: "She doesn't need to know! Wasn't a big deal!"

Ashley has come over to apologize, which is sweet. She admits that she "was freaking out about the video and I took it out on [Spencer]." This is strange, it's almost like Ashley is maturing emotionally. We should add that to the drinking game. Ashley explains she used to pretend like her and Ethan had hooked up so people wouldn't ask questions and think she was cooler, which is super-earnest and endearing. She asks if there's anything else Spencer wants to know ...

Spencer: "Actually, there is something, but you're the one who needs to forgive me."
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G-ddamnit.

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Forgiveness is Devine. Candles are Forever. Love is a River to the Ocean. We'll always have Paris.

Suddenly ... Ashley is EVOLVED! They've had the whole painful convo off-camera and Ashley has forgiven Spencer. She says if their relationship can't survive that, then what's the point? Either she's incredibly rational, cool and mature, she's planning on a few "slutty" (her word) moments of her own, or she's gonna store this up and bring it out later when its totally irrelevant, like if Spencer is late for her big show on Community Access at 3 AM Ashley'll be like "this is like when you kissed that girl!" and then there'll be a fight, probs in chocolate pudding, and then the show will be over, and we'll all smile and make out.

We're totally on a roll of happiness for how this has all worked out ...

until Ashley announces she's going to do the most painful thing a woman can do to another woman
(unless you are onstage and your name is Melissa Etheridge or something)--
she has written a song. For Spencer.
**
Riese: "Oh no, she's gonna pull out the acoustic guitar."
Carly: "No, she's just gonna sing a-capella, and it's gonna be terrible."

ALL TOGETHER NOW! I felt you in my legs, before I ever met you ...
Good news! Neither/nor! Ashley's gone back to 1996 and brought back her baby's first boombox to play Spencer a little pre-recorded love song to avoid nervousness/save production values/our faith in the universe. I hope Jake didn't sneak Kyli Vanilli's hot pipes onto that track. Anyhow it's probably "Power of Two." I mean, she ADMITS that it's cheesy. It'll be like "Your Body is a Wonderland," and Spencer will melt, Jennifer Aniston style. Then Ashley will go on the internet and tell everyone -- too soon? Is it too soon? Okay.
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baby, you make me wanna take the SATs
Back in Flirt City, Glen and Chelsea are pallin' around, talking about cheerleaders and art. Chelsea decides to spice up the relationship with a little jokin' around.

Carly: "Oh gross, they're telling the knock knock interrupting cow joke to each other? Aren't they adults? Who does that?"
[silence]
Riese: "Um, me and my ex used to do that."
Carly: "YOU DID?!!"
Riese: "Um, probs a few times a day."
Carly: "Omg."
Riese: "Okay, check it out, pretend like you're my girlfriend. Knock knock."
Carly: "Who's there?"
Riese: "Interrupting weirdo."
Carly: [groaning as she speaks] "Interrupting weirdo wh--"
Riese: "I LOVE YOU!"
Carly:"Oh my god."
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Also, while we're on the topic of weird things that people say to communicate that are similar to this thing, me and Natalie often communicate in "moos." She sometimes answers the phone with "moo moo moo?" You have to hear it to understand, I think there's some in this video.
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Girls are pretty.
Soooo ... Ashley and Spencer are ... slow dancing. Yeeaahhh. Okay.

Carly: "I've never really gotten into girls slow dancing. It kinda creeps me out."

Over it!
++ Kyla's at home packing but guess who's coming through the beaded curtain? It's dark, but don't worry, I photoshopped it for you so you can see everything clearly:
Hey uh -- you won't be upset at me for not getting into UCLA, right? I mean, you dropped out of high school, yeah? Okay cool.
++ Chelsea thanks Glen for everything he's done to help her get through this. Being unemployed often gives people a lot of time to help other people through things. That's why it's a good thing that everyone is losing their job right now, we'll all have more time for feeeelinngsss!! Like LOVE! and KISSES! Anyhow, Chelen are in the dark and I bet you can't see it too well, so I've photoshopped it for you:

EXILED!
Kyla's gonna go to the Ashram, like she planned to. Good I'm over this story line like white off rice. That means I'm like brown rice.

Aiden is Captain Obvious to Kyla: "You're not alone, I'm here." They can just state facts to each other all day long. Anything to get her away from Jake. I'd like for this show to end with everyone coupled & happy. Where's Madison?
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And Ashley and Spencer? Still slowdancing. I thought this was supposed to be about kissing. What is this, Grey's Anatomy? Only the straights get to kiss?
At least these guys can get married in California! So I guess it's more important.

No on Prop 8!!

Personally I am opposed to this. I think marrying Glen is threatening to the institution of marriage, because he's dumb, and I don't think he should reproduce. Unless he uses his sperm for Ashely to have a half-Spencer-Carlin baby.
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anyhow back to Ashley and Spencer who are ...
slowdancing.

SO.
GAY.
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Bad Musical Montage # 5: Like that end scene of The L Word where everyone had sex, except without the sex.


SO!
GAY!
++ the end!
thx guys for reading. Sorry if I sound negative. I think I need to figure out how to accept television for what it is. Maybe I should watch more television. Anyhow.

Like Prop 8! Come this Sunday to the big protest against the assholes who voted YES, wherever you live! Are we funny? I hope we're funny. GOBAMA!