This episode was gay. I don't mean homosexual gay. I mean stupid gay. For the ten of you who are still watching this show and the three who are still reading this recap -- I apologize for our lateness. We are just soSO busy! Don't worry, heaps of fun is in store, it's just fashionably late fun. Speaking of fashion ...
Hi guys! Do you like our new haircuts?
Well, we don't like your gay show!
Musical montages are acceptable -- even relished -- in the following situations:
1. House remodeling of any kind.
3. Fun shopping trips with Serena & Blair and/or Jenny & Adele.
4. Hot sex scenes.
5. Photo shoots.
6. Graduation day at Saved by the Bell.
7. Descents into oblivion involving actual drugs being done.
8. Memories of wild European vacations a la The Rules of Attraction.
Those are just a few examples. "Conversation about being gay at the gay coffee shop," you may notice, is not on that list. Yet Spencer and Lily did just that in this episode. Musical montages are effectively employed by television shows to condense a series of physical actions/changes -- real, physical action -- with fast cuts and appropriate music. But when conversation is the action -- well, then you have to show the actual conversation, silly. I mean, Ilene Chaiken probs wouldn't do that. Except for that one episode with the crazy woman song with Kit and the Rockapellas.
Kit's hair looks good here though.
NOW, ON TO THE SHOW!
Carly: Oh my God, I thought that was part of the music, like the background.
Riese: What, the beads?
Carly: Yeah I didn't think they possibly could've gone with a beaded curtain opening.
Riese: You thought it was all ambient like EZ Girl. Shane-shane-shane-fucking-fucking-fucking-shane-shane-
This is worse than when you wrote "for a good time call ashley davies" on the bathroom wall!
Kyla blames Jake for making her do all those crazy things and Ashley shoots back, "Did he hold a gun to your head?"
Riese: No but he put a penis to her head.
Don't they look so cute at the Power Up thingie? Look at Mandy's glasses!!!! They're so cute!
Anyhow back to the show.
Personally I Prefer the Trenchcoat, But That's Just Me
Spencer's gone to Ashley's to invite her out and share her enthusiasm for Egotastical: The Afternoon Version and its Brunch. Her endorsement is similar to Charlotte York' s affection for the rabbit, and later; babies, and Judaism. Ashley blows her off 'cause she's gonna do that thing where she messes everything up just when it's about to get good. Don't worry, there may by slow dancing later. Obviously Spencer has not yet seen the video, which Ashley brings up when explaining why she hasn't made it to the Java Hut yet.
"Oh my God," Spencer says, looking cute & concerned, which is one of 101 ways Spencer has of looking cute. "Was she naked?"
Carly: "No but my soul is!"
Riese: "Of course not, this is The N!"
But All My Promises Go Out the Window Once You're Gone
Ashley is like I ain't your sister bitch. Go make me a Soy Chip Pie or get the fuck out of my sight. Also, Kyla: cute polo, lesbiatron. Ashley also says if Kyla isn't outta there in 24 hours, she will be. Given that option I'd be like, "Okay then, you go." 'Cause finding a new apartment is hard, especially when you're an unemployed underage washed up youtube star wearing last year's Abercrombie.
How did we get apartments? I dunno. Miracles.
Onto Aiden's big date with his new girlfriend, Nikki Stevens from The L Word!
Carly: Oh! I wish she'd joined The L Word before the basketball episode.
Riese: That's not what anyone's boobs look like in a sports bra.
Down Low Too Slow!
Terrible Musical Montage #1: I Smoke Fools Like You on the B-Ball Court
On a Scale of 1 to 10 (1 being bad, 10 being poking out our eyes with sporks) - 4.
Carly: Uh-oh the blacks are here, we better leave!
Riese:It's Papi and her girlz from the hood!
If there's nothing in there about SamRo & LiLo I am not buying it.
Bad Musical Montage #2: Dear Mama
Scale 1-->10: 8
our addictions? Riese = (whatever it is they do with tin foil) and Carly = (attractive apple products)
Back at The Ego Coffee Shoptacular ... Spencer's meeting up with Lily but guess who's already there lurking with her limbs and her Bloody Mary and her haircut ...!
Just a Little Something the Ladies Call Nipple Confidence.
The many seductive faces of Jannika:
Let's do it! I love girls!
What's your safety word, bitch?
I'd say I could fit about three fingers up there ... nah ... we'll start with two ...
I'm gonna eat you like a Jelly Donut on Fat Tuesday, baby.
They offer Spencer a Bloody Mary but she declines.
Jannika: "Nothing like a bloody in the morning to get a buzz going."
Translation: "I ate out my girlfriend this morning even though she was on her period."
Lily asks if Jannika's trying to "liquor up" their "little friend." Jannika replies, "Yeah, how else am I gonna get her to make out with me?" Clearly your charm and subtlety, Jannika, don't underestimate yourself, gawd, you're so insecure! "Shameless," taunts Lily. Jannika says that "Shameless" is her middle name but I doubt it, I bet her middle name is like, Elizabeth or Margaret.
Riese: "That's her middle name, 'cause that's what this scene is lacking, Shane."
Carly: "Jannika's just the latest in a long line of shaggy-haired pick-up artists, passing the torch --"
Riese: "But Shane would never stoop to coming on to someone like that. Shameless could learn some things from Shane-Less."
In order to convince Spencer that her life has reached afternoon-drinking levels of disaster, they show her the video she hasn't seen yet, and ask her if Ashley really did sleep with Ethan. Spencer's like "no," and they're like "Are you sure?" and we're like "AS if!"
We have two major points to make here:
1. This video would never play on a blackberry, only on an iphone.
2. This is crap editing to the nth degree. It's like a picture of a blackberry with a photo of Kyla graphically imposed onto it, it looks awkward, it makes us both uncomfortable. I could do this on Final Cut. Hell I could probs do this in iMovie. THE NEW IMOVIE!
Back to The Potato Pit
Jannika: She's a major player in the lesbian mafia.
Translation: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm the coolest girl in school.
Spencer: Ooo the lesbian mafia?
Translation: I'm drunk, I'm earnest, I'm the cutest girl in school.
Jannika: You're so cute!
Translation: When I'm done fucking you, you're gonna need to make an emergency next-day appointment with the gynecologist. Talk about a bloody.
Back to Chez Carlin ...
Carly: Lance Bass hired him back!
Yeah, I got it on Sale. Yeah at JCPenny's. Yeah it's Awesome.
Best Hand Job Ever
You go Jodi! YOU GO!
But I don't Need a Smoke, You're So Smokin' HOT!
Carly: "OH MY GOD SPENCER DID THAT!"
Then Jannika pulls away ...
Spencer: "No, I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."
Jannika: "I was totally just kidding around, I thought you knew that."
MARINA -- I mean -- Jannika the Hut: "The thing is that I totally have a girlfriend, and you are really cute, but you're like in high school."
Spencer: "I mean totally, I have a girlfriend too, I don't know what I was thinking."
Jannika the Hut: "It's okay, just mixed signals."
Right, like how you gave off a signal that you wanted to take Spencer's clothes off, and Spencer gave a signal that she was young and inexperienced. Nice,Jannika.
My Doctor Said No-Jannika!
Lily: "Spencer, it wasn't you. That's just Jannika, she pulls that routine all the time ... the flirting, the teasing, the messing with your head to see if she can get you into her."
Spencer: "Oh my God, that's worse than high school."
Lily: "Oh come on, high school wasn't that bad."
I think Lily just made a joke!!
Spencer: Also Needs Something to Do With Her Hands
Spencer: "Are you kidding, high school sucks. I'm practically the only --"
Riese: "One of my friends that still actually goes to school!"
Carly: "Except for my girlfriend Ashley."
Riese: "--who's no longer in school. She dropped out, obvs."
Carly: "Oh, right. Point made."
We then enter into a very very painful musical montage introduced by Spencer gushing over how much she loves The Planet and how she wishes she could hang out there all the time with other women who love women, touching each others soft skin, gazing into eyes, swapping brownie recipes and funny pictures of housecats and meeting other women who watch this show and could've kept it on the air.
Bad Musical Montage #3: Sharing is Caring
Scale of 1 to 10: So Bad we had to scream really loud through the whole thing just to live through it.
The only thing that could've made it worse would've been this:
Back to that other sidewalk cafe ...
Riese:"Ew, she doesn't even use a Mac."
Carly: "Ew, it's a white PC like it wishes it was a Mac."
Then Aiden checks his email and discovers that he didn't get into UCLA. See. We get to see this for ourselves when they zoom in on the email itself on the screen.
Bad Musical Montage #4: To Catch an Admissions Officer
Scale of 1 to 10: No words. I mean what do I need words for, when they're highlighting the computer screen already for me?
Okay, um, 2. The lyrics of the song are: "Sing for the teachers that told you that you couldn't sing, just sing." On the upside, they are playing the Dresden Dolls for real, which is actually really hot. But the Dresden Dolls are a bit more ironic/brill than this stupid/gay scene, so it's just you know ... mixed signals.
Speaking of ... now that Aiden's no longer UCLA-bound, Nikki Stevens' no longer interested in hanging out with him.
Lesbian Oil Wrestling later? GTG!
Aiden: "And you called Kyla shallow--
Nikki Stevens: "What?"
Aiden: "Come on Sasha, if you're gonna dump me because I didn't get in, at least call it what it is."
Nikki: "No, I'm just worried we might be going in different directions."
Right. See, this is "Sasha"'s direction ...
And this is Aiden's direction ...
A Rose of My Heart's Desire for You
Riese: "Spencer don't tell her don't tell her!"
Carly: "Oh my god Spencer, don't tell her! Act like it never happened! Act like it never happened!"
Riese: "Ignorance is bliss Spencer, Ignorance is bliss!"
Carly: "She doesn't need to know! Wasn't a big deal!"
Ashley has come over to apologize, which is sweet. She admits that she "was freaking out about the video and I took it out on [Spencer]." This is strange, it's almost like Ashley is maturing emotionally. We should add that to the drinking game. Ashley explains she used to pretend like her and Ethan had hooked up so people wouldn't ask questions and think she was cooler, which is super-earnest and endearing. She asks if there's anything else Spencer wants to know ...
Spencer: "Actually, there is something, but you're the one who needs to forgive me."
Forgiveness is Devine. Candles are Forever. Love is a River to the Ocean. We'll always have Paris.
Suddenly ... Ashley is EVOLVED! They've had the whole painful convo off-camera and Ashley has forgiven Spencer. She says if their relationship can't survive that, then what's the point? Either she's incredibly rational, cool and mature, she's planning on a few "slutty" (her word) moments of her own, or she's gonna store this up and bring it out later when its totally irrelevant, like if Spencer is late for her big show on Community Access at 3 AM Ashley'll be like "this is like when you kissed that girl!" and then there'll be a fight, probs in chocolate pudding, and then the show will be over, and we'll all smile and make out.
We're totally on a roll of happiness for how this has all worked out ...
until Ashley announces she's going to do the most painful thing a woman can do to another woman
(unless you are onstage and your name is Melissa Etheridge or something)--
she has written a song. For Spencer.
Carly: "No, she's just gonna sing a-capella, and it's gonna be terrible."
ALL TOGETHER NOW! I felt you in my legs, before I ever met you ...
baby, you make me wanna take the SATs
Riese: "Um, me and my ex used to do that."
Carly: "YOU DID?!!"
Riese: "Um, probs a few times a day."
Riese: "Okay, check it out, pretend like you're my girlfriend. Knock knock."
Carly: "Who's there?"
Riese: "Interrupting weirdo."
Carly: [groaning as she speaks] "Interrupting weirdo wh--"
Riese: "I LOVE YOU!"
Carly:"Oh my god."
Girls are pretty.
Riese: "One brother dies, move on to the other."
Carly: "That's fucked up, he doesn't even look like a brother."
Riese: "Oooo, see what you did there?"
Aiden is Captain Obvious to Kyla: "You're not alone, I'm here." They can just state facts to each other all day long. Anything to get her away from Jake. I'd like for this show to end with everyone coupled & happy. Where's Madison?
No on Prop 8!!
Personally I am opposed to this. I think marrying Glen is threatening to the institution of marriage, because he's dumb, and I don't think he should reproduce. Unless he uses his sperm for Ashely to have a half-Spencer-Carlin baby.
anyhow back to Ashley and Spencer who are ...
Bad Musical Montage # 5: Like that end scene of The L Word where everyone had sex, except without the sex.
Like Prop 8! Come this Sunday to the big protest against the assholes who voted YES, wherever you live! Are we funny? I hope we're funny. GOBAMA!