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For the last two weeks, I've felt like an Amish battling the allure of electricity trying to keep away from any L Word Season Six spoilers (while simultaneously doling out The Farm spoilers like it's my job -- if only it was!). Yet I've remained, somehow, blissfully unaware of any transpired events from the last two weeks of actually-aired South of Nowhere episodes. I suspect no-one's watching this show anymore, or that we're way too old for this show. These things are probs both true. I'm thinking they should rename it "Glen of Glen." "Central Glen." "Beverly Hills, 9021-Glen."

[Hey did you see us in our AfterEllen vlog yet?]

Welcome to our two episode double-header Thanksgiving SUPER SPECIAL! We watched with Carly's gay, Cesar, who refused to be in photos and therefore must be punished with a randomly selected myspace photo, just like we did when he talked in the vlog but wouldn't be on camera: punished.


Cesar as Aunt Lenore.
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Episode 13: Better Late Than Never, Like this Recap

13's an unlucky number. Did you know that? There's plenty more fun facts where that came from. You know what else is unlucky? Opening an episode with Glen's half-naked body making out in the art studio! This is a show for lesbian teenage girls! Come on! Get your act together! GLAAD media alert, people, let's get real for REAL!

I kept track of how many scenes each character got. In my opinion, 75% of the scenes should include Spencer and/or Ashley. Right?
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Let's go!

I'd Rather Watch Tim and Jenny, for Chrissake
So yeah, this is happening. And ... still happening. Did you know the first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum? The phone rings and Chelsea answers breathlessly, "nothing special" to the question; "What are you doing?" I mean, obvs I agree that Glen's nothing special but DAMN. She's all like, get offff me, I so glad we just frienddddds, glad there's no stringggggs attached -- she's so mean to Glen I almost hate him less. That's crazy. I'm going crazy!

Glen, 'cause he's a lez and this be a lesbian show goddamnit, has feelings. He may pretend to be cool, but unlike Chelsea he wasn't giving a shit what other people thought, he was just feeling romantic.

That's right, Chelsea wasn't throwing caution to the wind, she wasn't gone with the wind, there is only one wind that she cares about and that's the change that's blowing in the wind in the form of the angry black guy from before, who's on his way over. Whatever his name was. She was dating him? I think it's entirely possible I literally fast forwarded through all the parts that weren't lesbian for the first two seasons.

Oh Chelsea. That is cold. It's getting cold in here Glen put on all your clothes.

It's like when the hot guys came to the island in that "date a total nerd" reality show

Riese: "G-d, she is the town bicycle these days. Holy shit."
Carly: "Good thing she had an abortion when she got bumped in the car."
Riese: "Thank G-d she doesn't have a kid! She's so busy!"
Cesar: "Who was it that I told that if she ever got pregnant, I'd be the first person there to stick a vacuum cleaner up her vadge? Do you remember who I said that to?"

[Sidenote: eventually determined it was his sister.]


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Back at the Casa Carlin, Spencer's sneaking Ashley out of her bedroom 'cause they've been up all night picking out their undies from the Alloy catalog ...

They Listen In, You Should Know This
How can anyone see cute little things like this and still vote Yes on Prop 8 ? Mom runs into Ashley on her downstairs dash but tells Spence they can talk about it later though she's clearly unimpressed. Hey Paula's probs trying to figure out new rules for lesbian children. If I was Hey Paula, I'd be like, well no-one's getting preggers, scissor away! Much munch munch!
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Carly
: Meanwhile, back at the downward spiral ...
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Aiden and Kyla had a Platonic sleepover. At least this show is good for the environment, 'cause they always recycle.

I'll Have What She's Having.
Cesar: "And they allegedly had a rough night. Look at her hair!"
Carly: "Why is she sleeping on the shams and not on the actual pillowcases? She was like "I had a rough night I could not even bother to flip it over."
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Kyla: "I've been humiliated and everybody hates me, including Ashley."
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Cesar: "Yeah but if you wake up with hair looking amazing like that, you have no problems."
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Aiden will take care of this situation in a day he says. Just one day. Then Ashley will take Kyla back and all will be well in Who-Ville. Did you know that 47% of Americans say they live "paycheck to paycheck"?

"Kyla, I Wish You and Ashley were Conjoined Twins at the head, that would be so awesome."
Aiden said it's the best sleep he's had in a while.
This is really thrilling stuff people.
I mean it keeps getting better.

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I'm gonna Call it NORTH OF SOMEWHERE!
Oh no. Spencer's got a camera, they've given her supplies. Dad's hamming it up -- what a ham! I wonder if Blue's Clues is on. Spencer's gonna do the Dawson's Creek "I wanna be Spielberg by filming everything everyone ever does ever" thing, which is never/always annoying. Mark Season Two L Word, anyone? I swear, The N is obsessed with forcing technology into its shows. I watch teevee to get away from the computer, not to spend more time thinking about it. Look what happened to OurChart! Watch and learn!
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Riese: "Oh my god, she's gonna do the Dawson independent filmmaker thing, and get a show on MTV, even though we didn't."
Carly: "This is so not right."
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Glen didn't get in 'til 4:30 A.M. but the parents don't blink, which Spencer thinks is a "double standard much." I think that might be 'cause Spencer has to go to school, is still cute, and might graduate high school and Glen's already a lost cause. Though in today's economy it'd be a bit reckless to send one's daughter to film school.

Everyone laughs it off, let's get to the real meat of the story, which is Glen, Star of the Show. Glen says the memorial's coming along just peachy and Sean's in town for the memorial. Hey Paula and Dear Dad are like, ho ho ho, that's not all Sean's here for. Obvs they are referring to either In 'n Out Burger, the Hollywood Wax Museum, or Chelsea's inner thighs.

Riddle Me This, Glen-Man
"Even Clay knew that Sean had something for her," Dear Dad jokes. He's stomping all over Glen's feeeeeelings! Dear Dad says, "C'mon Glen, no matter how much we miss Clay, we don't want Chelsea to be alone at 18, do we?" As opposed to what, being alone at 19? Or being alone at 15? Are 18 year olds particularly likely to get into trouble while alone, or dash into traffic in pursuit of a lottery ticket or a pack of Marlboro Reds? I have a lot of questions for these people.

Riese: "Now they're putting words in the dead guy's mouth. Oh, psst, Just say Clay knew. Hey! Even the DEAD GUY knew about Sean."
Carly: "The dead guy knew the black girl obvs."
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I've Got a Job That Wastes My Time and Gift, I've Got a Life That Needs a Serious Lift
Ashley's in a fix 'cause she's got so many bills to pay, 'cause she's all washed up and Spencer keeps getting acceptance letters to colleges all over the universe, where she's gonna meet all these cute college girls, and Ashley's gonna be at home, probably wearing her bra with a vest.

To demonstrate the ridiculousness of this outfit live for us, Cesar pulls up his sweater and trots around the room wearing it as a belly shirt.

Ashley, despite what your father may have said, your bra is not the best part of your ensemble. Play up the shirt itself. That's what it's there for, to cover your tits!

Ashley doesn't wanna be left at home alone watching re-runs of Dawson's Creek. However, if she did want to do that, they're showing re-runs of Dawson's Creek on -- surprise -- The N ! Furthermore, it's super meta to mention Dawsons' Creek in a TV show 'cause Dawson's Creek was the first show to really amp up the meta-tastic-ness by being self-referential to other teevee shows and, for example, movies that Josh Jackson was in or other projects Kevin Williamson had worked on.

Ashley mouths off at Aiden for taking Kyla's side. She says if he really wants to help, he'd help pack. OK, no one ever wants to help pack. I'd be like, "um, besides packing. Want an omelet maybe? Pony ride? Twix bar?"
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Time to move the big sculpture into the truck for the big memorial!

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Carly: "Is that the thing like that show on the food network where you have to make everything out of chocolate?
Cesar: "I totally know what you're talking about. And then at the end they have to carry it out, that's always the hardest part, is like getting it into the truck, they'll have like five people out there--"
Carly: "I don't get that, why don't you just make the thing in the place where the judges are, where it has to go?"
Cesar: "Or just have the judges come to you?"
Dear Dad: "Art life life art art life life art."
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This is us smiling with our eyes to demonstrate the construction of this fine memorial.
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Back to the giant lesbian sex sculpture that Chelsea has somehow snuck into the Homophobic Memorial Party and the tension between Sean & Glen. I'm slightly more interested in the tension between my wall and the paint drying on it.

Chelsea's actually becoming irritating. Here's where this show went wrong: it never asked us to invest in any of these character's SOULS, besides sometimes Ashley's and sometimes Spencer's. No one else emerged brightly as a full character -- why should we care about Glen? What makes him interesting or compelling or nuanced? Anything besides that he's a character on this show? Madison? Chelsea? Kyla? Who cares?
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Riese: "They're gonna come out there later and the ten year old girl from the special bus is gonna be riding that sculpture like look what I found, Shane SHANE!"
Carly: [laughing!] "I can't believe you just said that."
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They're old friends! Like Kit and Helena !
Spencer's checking out Kyla's hot video, and Sean says that "after logging hundreds of hours of footage," he knows a jump cut when he sees one and that tape is "butchered." OMG, surprise! We all agree that there's nothing quite as annoying as listening to someone talk crazy about a field of our expertise. "Everyone knows what a jump cut is," Cesar says. Whatevs.
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This is a jump cut of Carly being Aunt May:

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Love & Basketball
Glen and Aiden are shooting hoops, per ush, talking about how Glen's hung up on this girl, and Aiden says girls don't know what they want, you have to tell them. Let's see how that'll hold up in a court of law. Aiden tells Glen to tell Chelsea how she feels, and let her know that what she wants is Glen. That's not a typo. Glen is told to tell Chelsea how Chelsea feels. This is probs how she ended up pregnant in the first place.
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Riese: "That's easy for you to say pretty boy--"
Carly: "You don't have Glen's unfortunate genetics."
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I'm Not Here to Make Friends, Buddy. I'm here for LOVE.
Sean says it must be nice to have all the free time in the world that Glen has to flirt with Chelsea, help her write her speech (hello, glen cannot read, I doubt he helped her too much with that) and carry her sex toys around town without dropping it once or missing tonight's elimination. Sean's working 14 hour days in the editing bay. Not doing a very good job, as this scene was actually left IN the show. Did you know Alaska has the highest percentage of citizens who walk to work every day?
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Look at all the fun new apps in the new apple app store!
Aiden tells Ashley that they may have been going about this video "the wrong way," as if it's Who Killed Kennedy footage. Where do they think Ashley's from, Dawson's Creek? She knows how video editing works, her girlfriend is the next Jamie Babbit. Ashley doesn't care, she's already over it: "Let me guess, she was lip syncing?" Look I've spent a lot of time in the edit bay, enough to know a lip sync when I see it, come on people. That was not a lip sync. That was called "too much cocaine.'
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Call it Off
Ashley has a lot of feelings about what everyone should be doing to help make this situation better. The answer? Help Kyla get the hell out of there by helping her to find an apartment! One track mind, this girl! C'mon does she have to spell it out for you? I hope not, she can't spell. But seriously, they should probs put the computer away and help Kyla pack. Any volunteers to help Ashley find a shirt that covers her underthings? Bueller?

Riese: "Get your bra under your shirt for crying out loud!"
Carly: "Dress yourself!"
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look me in the eyes and tell me you don't find your coked out sister attractive
I know everyone just wants me to let this go, Ashley says. But I can't. It's racking up YouTube hits by the minute and they are losing valuable advertising dollars. She's never doing another unpaid internship. From now on, no blow on a school night. Look up, it's over, we are getting rid of that puppy tomorrow. I believe I can fly. No more wire hangers. Let's get this show on the road. Did you know 40% of partygoers snoop in their host's medicine cabinets?

Ashley's not upset about what Kyla said about her, it's what she said about their Dead Dad. Fair enough. But still, whatevs. Spencer says Ash has said the same thing, so, good point. Look how good they are for each other! (seriously!)

Spencer makes some weird faces while discussing how Glen was being an asshat to her while she was coming out and says Ashley should think twice, it's not alright. Why don't we just burn Glen at the stake and -- as I JUST SAID -- get this show on the road. Spencer says something freaky about how if Ashley & Kyla don't make up, they may never have a chance to. Come on it's not like Kyla has HIV or something. Kids these days. Drama-rama.
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aw, this reminds me of that one time in college ... oh, the taste of her cherry chapstick!
They arrive at the memorial sculpture for fisting, something that used to happen in this show but now doesn't because Glen's a camera whore and plot hot. Thus the theme of the sculpture is "finger-fucking" or "Ode to Shane." Paula comments that it's everything Glen said it would be. It's a vibrator, a sculpture and a centerpiece all in one. It IS worth $29.99, Dear Dad, it IS!

Paula and Dad ask Chelsea if she's had a chance to spend time alone with Sean wink wink, which is gross. They tell Chelsea that if anyone would've wanted her to move on and find someone else to be happy with, it'd be Clay. Damn they are selling this brother short. Furthermore, that's inappropriate, furthermore, she is 18 for Christ's sake, she has the rest of her life ahead of her. There's holes in this story, that's why I fell right through it.
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I Don't Think We Have to Be Like This Forever
Glen has chosen this moment to confess his love for Chelsea, which we all agree is a bad idea & bad timing. Out of the corner of her eye, she spots Sean. I spotted some bricks being laid and got a little distracted. When my Dad was really bored when we were kids, he'd say "I'd rather be counting potatoes." That's a good one, I think.
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Is there more to life than love, and being together?
Chelsea, like many of the actors on this show (cough *Aiden*) has a limited range of facial expressions, so it's difficult to truly grasp how she must feel about Glen's little speech. But when he says that this power, she's supplying, it's electrifying, and she better shape up, 'cause she needs a man, and his heart is set on her, yeah, she better shape up -- Glen goes for the -- you think you can deny your feelings well DENY THIS!!!
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Please No.
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Oh yes!

Deny This? Please? Um. Chels. Deny it! Deny it now!
If these characters were remotely interesting, I might say "this is something that'd happen at a 90210 funeral, or at a Dana Fairbanks Memorial hike."

Ashley, who's taken Jenny's wedding dress from Season Five and deflated it for her own Memorial Day Super-Gear, spies the gross couple being gross, remembers why she's with a girl now, etc. Also the kissing music is like the same music they play in Degrassi when something exciting is about to happen, like someone just got self-esteem or got out of trouble with The Snake or something. This is not kissing music. Let alone scissoring music. Where was I? Sigh, sigh SIGH!
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I Spy Chelsea with the other Brother!
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I Won't Mistake You for Problems With Me
Spencer's telling Kyla that Ashley will be here at the memorial despite Kyla's presence but Negative Nancy's all like "phooey, I'm never gonna see her again."

Kyla: "It's my fault that everything's messed up. Everything's my fault!"

Is she digging for a compliment, or just being overdramatic? Hello Kyla, there's people messing up left and right on this show, let's not blame you. I mean if I were in your position, I might blame Jake. He's the one that made that video and put it on the internet. You're just another victim of The Jump Cut.
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Dressing Bad's Like Loving You
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Riese: "She looks like she's gonna guest-spot on Battlestar Galactica!"
Carly: "Or on an airplane!"
Riese: "She's like a Jetson's Stewardess."
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Kyla and Ashley run into each other and Kyla says don't worry, I'm leaving. You will soon have the chance to shine all alone in your hot outfit, and I won't "sing" Candle in the Wind with you, I'm just gonna go, have special time in the bathroom okay?

Ashley says she's still mad at Kyla, but she really has to tell her something. Gossip, as the show Gossip Girl can tell you, is ultimately the strongest bond between two females. No seriously how many times have you gotten a piece of gossip so good that you just have to re-initiate contact with your friend who you know will also see the hilarity even though you're not talking anymore? In the game of friendship rock-paper-scissors -- gossip trumps nuclear war.

Carly and I tic-tac on this topic and conclude with absolute certainty that most best friendships can be repaired by mutual desire to talk shit about another friend.

Who Are We Laughing About?
I'll Never Tell.
xoxo gossip girl.
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Best two minutes of dialogue in the show:

Ashley: "I totally just saw Chelsea and Glen making out!"
Kyla: "What?"
Ashley: "Yes!"
Kyla: "No!"
Ashley: "YES!"
Kyla: "Oh my God!"

Sticks and Stones Can Break My Bones, Obvs.
Ashley tells Kyla that "just because I asked you to leave, it doesn't mean that I wanted you to be gone."

Riese: "Um, come on GED, that's exactly what it means."
Carly: "I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it means."

Kyla's really confused about this, probs pondering how different her life would've been if she'd taken English 125. They hug and make up. Yay!
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Get Real! Now! Stop Being Polite! I said GET REAL!
Spencer wants to film the Famous Davies Sisters making up to sell it to the paparazzi, which is probs the best idea anyone's had on this show since Spencer showed up at Ashley's door in the trenchcoat naked underneath.

Kyla asks Aiden why he does care so much about her. Carly suggests it's because he's already been dumped or broken up with every other girl on this show. (Except Chelsea but as we mentioned, she has many paramours already, much like Ashley the Bisexual, so ... I mean how could he even get in there?)

Aiden says that for the past year he's had these nightmares where he gets shot, beat up or left for dead, but lately he's had dreams where Kyla's there to "help him pick up the pieces." That's gross. She's like "I found your arm under the back tire, any word on the tip of your left ear? Anyone seen an eyeball? Side-view mirror? Bumper?"

Look at me, all in one piece.
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Anyhow, it's a big picnic at the Carlins, an animal has been killed for the roasting and Spencer you need to put that camera away-yay so Mom can say grace. First she asks Spencer to get a shot of the casserole she made. Good job, I was afraid they might not get that, and then everyone would forget what it looked like, and then everyone would die of sadness. I hate it when people are like "film the cookies I made!" really? Those are cookies. They are still objects, get your own damn camera, they sell disposables on the corner for five dollahs.

"I know what you're thinking -- did I use low-fat mayo in this?
Well, no, it's my special secret, applesauce."
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This is gonna be Paula's new show! She's gonna steal Dear Dad's grill fire right from under his nose!
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Oh, Glen and Sean are at it again, fighting over chairs! They both wanna be in the same one! It's Glen's chair! It's like I hope no one breaks a baby.

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Riese:
"Oh the chair? Really? It's gonna go there? This is what we've come to?"
Carly: "The "separate but equal chair" is outside."
Riese: "Get it, Sean? This is MY chair. This is where I sit, do I have to spell it out for you?"
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Glen then remembers his duty and his honour to the army and Captain Obvious speaks up: "This isn't about the chair, it's obviously about you, Chelsea." That's right. No one wants to sit near you Chelsea, 'cause you STANK. JK! I'm sure she smells like chocolate 'cause of the chocolate hand sculpture she's been spending so much time with.

Spencer starts to put the camera away, and, in her best moment of the episode, Ashley pushes it back on and loud-whispers: "No, this is the stuff you wanna get." You GO, Mary Ellis Burnham!

How do you feel about hidden cameras?
I can't believe that Glen is telling the whole table that he wants to be with Chelsea and last night was one of the best nights he's ever had. INAPPROPRIATE! Of course Hey Paula and Dear Dad are like "holler!" Does it count as a cliffhanger if it involves no one we care about?

I thought this show was supposed to be about Spencer. I could be wrong. But Spencer and Glen top the charts with seven scenes apiece -- though Glen's are usually longer, and they focus on him, Spencer was in a lot of group scenes. Chelsea and Ashley follow up with 6, Kyla and Aiden have 5 apiece. That's a shit-ton of Glen and Chelsea scenes, you know? Where's Madison, anyway? Maybe we'll find out ... RIGHT NOW!
INTERMISSION! GET YOUR SNACKS! TINKERBELL WANTS
A VODKA TONIC!

Let's move on to Episode 14, "Past Present Future," which also was not that good. It opens where we left off, or a little bit afterwards. Glen and Chelsea are back in the art studio, the site of their initial union.

Riese: "He's gonna be like ooooo who's in the chair now, big shot?"
Carly: "Are they gonna have a staring contest?"
Riese: "It's like grown-up musical chairs!"
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Chelsea's like "what do you want me to do?" Glen gives some big dramatic speech that's best summed up by the REO Speedwagon 80's power ballad, "Keep on Loving You," in which Mr. Speedwagon declares: "I'm gonna keep on loving you, 'cause it's the only thing I wanna do."

Glen asks Chelsea how he can stop feeling so comfortable around her that he can just be himself and not second-guess everything. Um, ooo!

Ooo! Pick me pick me!

Okay. What you're doing right now? That like, "confess my love for you in front of everyone, kiss you at the memorial, and work at Sportstime?" That thing? Yeah keep doing that, you'll be suprised just how quickly it gets uncomfortable.
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Spencer busts in on the hot topic convo to film, 'cause she's um, a filmmaker now. I feel like we're watching a show from 2003 or something, before everyone figured out that having your lives taped for when you stop being polite and start getting real was a bad idea. I mean, I think they've learned that enough on this show -- srsly, I feel like the only plot twist they know how to use on The N is pictures or videos being on the internet.

Did you know most people commit suicide on Mondays? True story.
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Carly: "Are those barbecue utensils behind her?"
Riese: "No those are paintbrushes."
Carly: "No those are too big to be paintbrushes."
Riese: "Maybe she has really big ideas."
Carly: "Maybe she only paints on really big billboards."

Spencer's been trying to find the perfect story to tell, and decided the best one is following her boring brother around with a video camera to document his "crazy and amazing" relationship, which Chelsea points out is not actually happening. Everyone is really confused about exactly how interested anyone is in Glen. One show is PLENTY.

Also, why doesn't Spencer just write a script? You know? Like Lez Girls?! Or The English Patient?
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This kind of thing always works out really well.
Later on, Spencer's filming Ashley and Ashley says if Spencer doesn't stop filming, Spencer's gonna lose her "late night favors." Obviously they're talking about cunnilingius. zomg.
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Riese:
"Look she's got her bra outside of her shirt AGAIN, she's liable to do anything."
Carly: "She's a loose cannon!"
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Spencer finds a flyer for "Open Mic Night at Egocentric" on the kitchen table. I feel sometimes like this show is trying to upset me personally on purpose.
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Carly:
"Nonono! stay away from the open mic night! Put the flyer down!"
Riese:
"Step away from the flyer!"
Carly: "Oh my God, she's gonna sing in front of other people and my eyes are gonna water and then Spencer's gonna put it on YouTube."

OMG, Ashley's thinking about performing. She could just do a cover of "Both Hands" and I'm sure the crowd would go wild -- Spencer's already going wild. Lesbians gone wild! Ashley accuses her of "mothering" and Spencer says "girlfriending." Aw, they're so cute!

Then Spencer sees her graduation announcement and is pissed that Mom's already sending out invites. Howevs, she should get good attendence at the fiesta since no one else in the world is graduating. I do love a good graduation special though, ideally with a musical montage.

Spencer hasn't yet decided where she's going to school. Spencer, word up, if it's already graduation and you haven't picked a school yet, you might find yourself up Shit Creek Community College without a paddle. Hey, that would be a much better documentary than the subject-free work you're masterminding right now.

Obviously we already know where we're going:

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You could change a child's life for less than a cup of coffee, Aiden.
Kyla's taken Aiden to feed homeless people, but when Aiden says that "feeding the homeless isn't going to change the fact that I was rejected by everywhere and now I'm stuck in some community college," I want to hit him upside the head. Yeah but it should change your PERSPECTIVE, asshat. He says he's more fortunate than some people but he's "not as lucky as he thought he was, which still sucks." He's now not only dumb, but also wrong, and bratty. He should talk about those nightmares again.

Like if he were to almost die this episode I probs wouldn't care, even though he is physically quite beautiful.

Spencer's here to film it all, she's sort of becoming like that little paperclip that pops up in Microsoft Word to "help" you but is actually quite annoying. No I don't need your help writing a letter, I know my own damn address, motherfucking paperclip asshole. No Spencer, we feel this scene is suitably dramatic without being captured on tape, but thanks.

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Hey, Sexy's Back!
Oh my God! Madison's back! She loves to dance! Sportstime! JT's European tour hasn't started yet! We add "name-dropping Justin" to the drinking game.

Did you know that the 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had? True story.
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I Got 99 Problems Already!
Sean's pissed at Chelsea for hooking up with Glen, the "guy who signed up for the army with a fake ID" and somehow Sean convinces her to join him for some Korean BBQ later. That's a good point, Sean's a much better catch than Glen, but, anyhow, did you know that elephants are the only mammal that can't jump? They only sleeep two hours a night. Really, I swear.
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You'll be the next Melissa Ferrick!
Spencer's so excited, cute and supportive re: Ash signing up for Open Mike.

I thought "no pre sign-up" was the point of Open Mic. Right?

Spencer's gonna be front and center with a big lighter over her head, glowing like Jesus. "You should just throw your bra up on stage," Ashley suggests. Man that girl can just not get enough visible bras up in her area, can she?

Spence asks: "How cool is it that we're starting to think about our futures?" Liar! Spencer's not doing it! Ashley doesn't wanna talk about the future, 'cause she might end up like, you know, THAT GIRL over there with the "Surrender the Body" box -- omg! It's Carmen, the crazy ass bitch who dated Spencer for two minutes last season! She's a witch doctor now, look at that wrist-whip-thing.
Carmen looks HIT UP! Actually, I like her better this way -- more natural and dykey. Last season, she had the worst case of Hot Topic of anyone in that cast, and they got that shit BAD. Now she looks like a human human rather than like a mini-skirt with bangs.
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Where in the world was Carmen? San Diego?*
Carmen tells Spencer she looks great. Awkward, considering Carmen's downslide. Ashley steps in: "Yeah, she does." Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Spence asks why she's not in San Diego, but Carmen says she came back. Why would she ever want to leave her portrait-drawing business on Venice Beach?

Also, I love Ashley being protective. I love bitchy girl dyke drama moments! More! MORE!

Carmen recognizes Ashley and is bitchy/surprised when Spencer says Ash's performing on Friday after being "humiliated." For real someone better smack that bitch Carmen upside her head. They dated for like two minutes, and now Carmen thinks she has the right to be bitchy to Ashley? Hells no. FIGHT!

Jesus: "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

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Creep Up and Tell Me That You Love Me More Each Time You Look Into my Eyes
Chelsea came over to have a serious convo with Glen but she "can't stay long--" WHAT IS SHE WEARING???
Carly: "I've got some bananas to put on my head ..."
Riese: "I do this Chiquita Banana thing, it's like my day job?"
Cesar: "I've got to go make some tortillas ..."
Adios!

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After she starts yabbering to Glen about how her and Sean have known each other for a long time, Dear Dad pops his head in and tells her to stay for dinner, he's making her favorite, meatloaf and sweet potatoes. Tough choice, she does love Korean BBQ. This is like making me choose between french fries and ice creams.
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Wanna go for another kind of ride?
Aiden drives Kyla home on his special bicycle, and she's cute about inviting him up. He's cute too, but says he needs to go for a ride to clear his head.
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Did I tell you the one about the dude that got shot in a drive-by outside your high school? Oh wait. NM.
Hey Paula's telling another hospital story -- DRINK! Jesus is watching, see the cross? It's scary.

Riese
: "Where's Chelsea going to school?"
Carly: "She got into art school in Paris. Probs 'cause of that dildo sculpture."
Cesar: "It's made out of chocolate and hazlenut --"
Carly: "Hello Houston's!"
Cesar: "I've got a giant dick made out of chocolate and hazelnut!"
Carly: "It's edible, it's edible, but it's also art! It's eddible art! It's art!"
Hey Paula and Dad are being really pushy w/r/t Glen & Chelsea. Do they want alone time? What are they doing, the brand new couple? Oh! They work so well together!

Once the parents dart, Glen says: "awkward." Chelsea's changed her tune 'cause he makes her happy and Hey Paula's given it the go-ahead, and we all know how she usually feels about these things. Is that really all it takes? If so, good news bears. Chelsea smooches him. Now that the parents approve, she's in it to win it.

Carly: "Is this the finale?"
Riese: "No, unfortunately."
++

I Won't Be Left Dancing Alone to Songs from the Past
Partially 'cause of Carmen's terrible comments, Ashley cancels on open mic night. Thank G-d, that scene was gonna hurt my eyeballs, and Jannika would've probs been there. And Carmen. Evita. Eminem. Shane.

Spencer's deciding between UCLA and "Worthington," Joey Potter's alma-mater in Boston.
++
Ashley:
"If that's where you wanna go, I'll understand."
Spencer: "Do you really mean that?"
Ashley: "No, not really."
++

++
Carly:
"The art direction on this show is the worst I've ever seen."
Cesar:
"Garbage truck. Homeless people!"
++
Back at the food place where Kyla's volunteering ... guess who's homeless? Not me, silly. CARMEN!

It's Hard Out Here for a Lez
Kyla thinks Carmen's a little young to be here and Carmen recognizes her from the teevee. Carmen spills all her feelings -- her Mom beat on her, now she's been homeless for years ... Kyla says she's sorry and Carmen jokes, "You should be, she told me it was all your fault!" which's almost funny. Carmen's living in her car like Jewel. Kyla says that ain't right, she might have a better option ... hmmm ... let's think about it.

++

++
Hmmm ...
I think we all know what that's gonna be.
++

Woman... woe-man...whoooa-man
Back to couple-time! Spencer couldn't stay away from an Ego event, so she checked out the Open MIke and she tells Ashley she's way more talented than those other lezzies. That's like having the best myspace blog or something. Also, Spencer adds, Ashley's "way more hotter" than any of those people.

Cesar: "It's actually hottest-er--"
Carly: "It's the most bestest hots!"

Like our hot socks!
++

Makeout Time!
Then just as they're about to probably get naked and have sex, Kyla arrives home with her special friend who's gonna crash for a bit. It's like a Christmas special. Who's it gonna be? Lassie? A long-lost aunt or relative? I can't wait to find out!

Bitch WHAT?!
++

I hope everyone keeps an eye on those killer dinasours about to plow their way off of her body and into your dreams.
Speaking of bad dreams ...
++

Oh yeah then Aiden gets into a car accident and dies or something.
We thought it was a dream at first, but I guess it's not.
Where's Kyla? She's supposed to pick up the pieces.
More than killer looks this season, obvs.
++

++
Bye dudes! 'Til next time!! Right? Yeah? Next time! You like us? Okay.
++
*that was the best joke of the recap.

11 comments:

  1. Rehab.Hell said...

    Ok Love and Basketball is a cute non-lesbo make out movie! It would have been better if Shanna Lathan made out with like Rashida Jones or something, then it would be the best movie ever.

    No one is getting felt up or going south of panty lines so it really is south of nowhere. I'm so over it.

    Random side....
    Did you watch Justin Timberlake dancing back up for Beyonce on SNL 'single ladies put a ring on it'! now that is something I would watch over and over again and you should recap it!  

  2. carlytron said...

    i still don't remember what the houston's comment was all about, i have no recollection of that at all. sad.

    the paula deen thing was brill, obvs.

    i hate this show.  

  3. Elizabeth said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  4. Elizabeth said...

    Seriously, when was the last time Ashley wore a real shirt that didn't show her bra and/or belly button? For reals. I can't even think that far back, nor do I want to try.

    The 'Where In The World is Carmen San Diego' was a pretty good joke, but I'm partially to The Craft reference... that movie gives me warm fuzzies (on mute).

    I didn't realize how Dawson Creek this show was getting until you guys pointed it out. Apparently at the end, all bets are off, and the writers are just filling space... South Of Nowhere: Now with more cliches and recycled bits than ever before!  

  5. Anonymous said...

    This show is arse. Thanks for the recap anyway.  

  6. Torrie said...

    I laughed for two minutes at you yelling at the poor paperclip, calling him an asshole and everything. All he did was try to help.  

  7. burningsteady said...

    I was totally thrown when I saw non-Heinz ketchup after spending all this time in Pittsburgh. Even though they don't make Heinz ketchup in Pittsburgh anymore, just baby food or something. Just a fun fact for your pile of fun facts.  

  8. asher said...

    for some reason i feel like i always enumerate my responses, i think it's so i don't forget a point i wanted to make. so today we've got 3.

    1) Where in the world was Carmen? San Diego?*
    I concur. That's pretty brill.

    2) Nice 'deep in thought' faces/mockery of Chelsea's 'acting' skills

    3) Carly's eyes water when people sing!?! This happens to other people? I thought I was the only weirdo who did that. It even happens sometimes with the National Anthem, and I've never understood it. I can be completely unmoved by some live musical performance, but my eyes water like I'm about to tear up. What/Why is that?

    word veri - mingling
    i thought these were supposed to be fake words?  

  9. carlytron said...

    My eyes water whenever I see people embarrass themselves, usually involving either singing or dancing. My eyes also water whenever I am forced to watch or view video/audio of myself. It's ridiculous. Just basically anything that is a total trainwreck of embarrassment, my eyes will water.

    Riese, the paperclip shit was amazing, I forgot to mention that.  

  10. jm said...

    Just fyi (although I'm sure you have caught this by now) Carmen's box says "Surrender the Booty" not "Surrender the Body". It's a cash box, so it is supposed to be funny I guess. Unfortunately, nothing on this show is truly funny, and the only enjoyment I get from it is reading your blogs.  

  11. Anonymous said...

    Your Glen hate amuses me greatly, even though I don't mind him so much. He's much better than Aiden, anyway. At least he's a decent human being! Way too much damn screentime though!  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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