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Carly & I couldn't get our shit together last weekend, 'cause we're both very busy & important. Therefore I've got no photos of us. Howevs, I'm confident that our photos and collected commentary would've felt cold there in the shadows cast by the bright sunlight of the jam-packed action-stuffed overwhelmingly exciting Episode 11 "A Very Inconvenient Truth." Next week we'll be on the ball, we've already promised ourselves. Carly's opinions, via email, are included below, because that's how we do that thing we do. Also; Carly wrote me her feedback without reading my recap first. If you're curious about why, exactly, we are friends, the answer is here.

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1. Why are we so busy and so important?
2. Again -- and we'll keep asking 'til we get an answer -- why does everyone have a beaded curtain instead of a door?
3. Is it okay for us to phone it in this week?
4. Are there Glen fans out there? Like are there people out there who watch this show genuinely interested in what happens to Glen?
5. I don't think Al Gore would be okay with this, do you?
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Ear Nose and Throat by Jake
What will happen now that Kyla's flubbed on a major afternoon community access television program? Will anyone ever buy a beaded curtain again? Luckily, Jake's in cahoots with famous ear nose & throat doctor Dr. Avery, and Avery has gone on Access Hollywood to testify that Kyla's vocal chords were blown out from all the blow and therefore her singing sucked. You know, Dr. Avery, the doctor to the international stars of stage and screen?

Carly: "I find it very hard to believe that anyone cares about the Kyla controversy, nor was a fake doctor necessary. Wtf?"

No one will believe that, says crafty Kyla. Ashley did, says Jake. Also, that's like saying that I'm not gonna believe someone's crazytown story about being Jesus or whatever, obvs I will believe anything, except for compliments, Ashley may be smokin' hot but she's not the sharpest tack in the box.
Dear Jake,

You're beginning to walk the fine line between "lying to make life easier" and "spending so much time creating new lies to cover old lies that it ends up being a lot harder than just going with the truth."

xoxo
gossip girl
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How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
We hear a crash, what could it be? Well, Ashley's broken her crack pipe! Kyla offers to clean it up, since everyone knows how hard it is to sweep in a mini-skirt and stripper heels. Then we are reminded that there are bigger messes to be cleaned than this ol' thing, like the mess Kyla made of their big debut! But Ashley forgives her, offering that things could be worse: "You could've pulled a Lindsay Lohan and showed the whole crowd your business."

Kyla laughs, like, "honey, just wait 'til you see what Jake's got on his handycam." (UPDATE: OMG, I called it?!) Also, clearly this was filmed ten years ago, there's a whole new Lohan out & about these days, and I wish she was on this show, making out with her girlfriend ... that's my kind of business.

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Carly: "Why they gotta call out my girl Lohan like that? OMG kyla confessing! The acting in this scene is worse than normal, I think."
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Girl You Know It's True, OOO OOO OOO, I Fucked You [Over]
But Kyla can't keep it in any longer. Now that she's got the broom and can attack if necessary, she spills her guts (re: lip syncing) all over the broken glass. Ashley's livid and says Kyla better tell the whole planet, including The Planet in West Holywood, 'cause Kyla's messed up Ashley's life forever and ever and will die a wretched, brutal, miserable death in the deepest hellpits of hellfire, where she'll be forced to listen to her own actual vocals on loop, Ashley Simpson style. I think Ashley's being overdramatic, she can totally have a solo comeback! I mean look at how good Fab is doing!

I hope someone's got that glass under control, Jake could step in it and die and then what would we do with those five extra minutes of show? Maybe we could give them to Glen, that guy needs some serious screentime. What's GLEN'S STORY?
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Carly: " Why is everyone's bedroom pink? Ooo 310 Spashley time."

1-310 Spashley!
Content: Ashley's ON THE LAM! The media's HUNTING HER DOWN! She's Amy Winehouse! She's O.J Simpson! She's Lindsay Lohan, taking her business down the 405! Where oh where will Ashley hide from the liberal media elite? NEVER FEAR, gumshoes! Spencer the towelhead's got no plans, Mom's working a double shift (drink) and Dad's going camping with Glen, so Spashley can have a weekend alone all to themselves. Also, if my girlfriend's family was going out of town, she'd probs notify me several weeks in advance. Ashley was on her way to the batting cages, but figures she can work out the urge to strangle Kyla in a healthier way if she goes to Spencer's. Like maybe she can re-route this aggression towards Spencer's vadge and a solid double-headed dildo.
Prognosis: Babes in Babeland for sure.
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I Can Feel the Power of this Painting in my Cervix
It's no wonder they picked your design, Glen says, admiring Chelsea's Ode to Shane Sculpture again. Chelsea's still sporting that turquoise halter bikini and pale yellow tank she wore last episode, I suspect she's gone Gidget and moved to the beach.

Glen's not excited about the big camp-out with Dad. Me neither, as there is not any storyline I could possibly be less interested in than Glen & Dear Dad in the woods with the fish, animals, deer and moose. I hope they accidentally shoot Sarah and/or Todd Palin in the ear.
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Go Fish
Robo-Aiden rides up in his smokin' hot motorbike, ready to hit the gym with Glen. Glen the Forgetful Fuck-Up has of course Forgotten about their gym date and made plans to go fly fishing with Dear Dad for the weekend, so Dad invites Aiden. Aiden doesn't want to intrude. Glen scowls. Dear Dad talks crazy about how he's had filets marinating on ice in colonel sander's secret special sauce for 11 hours. Aiden cannot resist the mating call of red meat and he's in. Obvs Nikki Stevens is busy riding Jenny's strap-on hobby horse all weekend as Aiden seems to have no plans. Oh right, besides going to the gym. What happened to SCHOOL? Society is clearly going to hell in a handbasket.
Carly: "Aiden is about to get an invite on glenn's special boy weekend, isn't he? Oh yeah he is! Wah waaaahhh glenn. I thought you werent supposed to marinate meat for too long cause it'll like fall apart or something. maybe that's just chicken? Whatever."
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The Weekender
Spencer's at the refrigerator, probs looking for some cream to pour all over her body for Ashley to lick up. Oh, JK, she's going to cook dinner. Spencer, p.s., often walks the fine line between "mini-skirt" and "doillie," but that's her perogative, no judging.

Ashley asks Spencer if she's wearing space pants 'cause she looks out of this world, or something but hi-ho, someone's at the door!
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Ever seen the extra DVD features on The L Word?
OMG! It's Jannika, stopping by with a stack of documentaries. I hope she's got Trekkies, Trekkies 2, Roger & Me, the one about bodybuilders and Living Dolls . Do people really just stop by? To other people's parents' houses? Ashley's unimpressed, she's gonna go change into something less comfortable. Ha. You know what's really uncomfortable? Armour. I bet she's gonna come out dressed like a Knight of the Roundtable. Or in a leotard. Let's get physical! This show is silly. Trix are for kids.
Carly: "Ashley looks like she's wearing a muumuu from behind. Fridge. Lady music. Love scene? offf course not. OMG the short haired girl just shows up? Who does that?! She lives with her parents. ooo Ashley I don't like Fred's name either girl."

[sidenote: I love it when Carly and I accidentally make the same jokes.]
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I Won't Be Left Dancing Alone to Songs of my Dad's Past
Jake's spoken with Ethan, Ethan still loves Kyla, Kyla's glad somebody still loves her, Jake offers another mysterious "mood enhancer," Kyla says that's what got her into trouble in the first place (not true -- it was just her crap voice, obvs. How could a mood enhancer get anyone into trouble? Doesn't it -- you know -- ENHANCE her mood?) Kyla says if all her myspace friends are over her, then how can she expect anyone else to be into her at all?

Jake:
"The second you get back up on stage. BAM! You're smack back into everybody's heart!"

I think Jake has confused Kyla with cocaine. He tells her Ashley signed off on the performance, which I doubt, but Kyla doesn't. It really baffles me that these two girls didn't think high school was necessary.

Kyla:
"I told her that my voice was dubbed, Jake. I had to. She's family."
Jake: "I don't care if she was the damn pope. You don't confess to anything unless I give you permission."

I feel like this relationship is unhealthy. I also feel like everyone's emotional reactions are on mute. Like every time they have a feeling, the director is like "dial it down a little. This is the N. It's on before Moesha."
Carly: "Is Kyla wearing a muumuu too? What is going on? Ooo drugs. Her "fans" ??? Who are these people? Are these the same people who watch Two and a Half Men? I think Jake's gonna hit her."
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Outward Bound
There's then a very lovely photo montage of the Sierras, probs intended to prepare us for a set straight out of Hey Dude. Tension's high in the car 'cause Glen the fuck-up missed a turn (drink!) and the steak's rotted 'cause he didn't put any ice in the chest.

Sometimes I think c'mon Glen, you're asking for it, and then I think, that sounds like something I would do. But also, I'm very busy, and as far as I can tell, Glen has absolutely nothing to do, ever, besides stand around in Chelsea's Sapphic Art Studio, trying to make thoughts penetrate his plastic helmet of hair.
Carly: "Aaaaand act 2! Boy camping. Hahaha steaks are rottennnnn. That's really funny. Glenn fucked up again."
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When not watching documentaries and getting s'more with other girl scouts, Jeanica enjoys reading Perez Hilton
Juannika recognizes Ashley! She's the singer with the crazy sister! They're like, don't go there, and Jwan-Jwan's all like "I always piss people off when I'm in this house." Maybe that's 'cause she's always showing up uninvited. What a little rabble-rouser. Johnica then tells Ashley how she pissed off Grandma when she "flirted with birthday girl." I think she's twisting the situation here, Johnika should get a job on the Straight Talk Express. I love the spin on that story, Alice.

Ashley gives Jean the look of death, rightly so.
Carly: "Aaaand back to the ruined lesbo night alone. Ashley's look at the end of that scene is really amazing. So gay, so mad!"
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Crime and Punishment
This is out of control Jake. Maybe he's taken so much Adderall that 100% of his focus is on today and he's forgotten about tomorrow. It's moments like this that I want to stab myself with a pencil for watching this show. It feels particularly lame when Carly's not watching it with me. But i know if I skip this week, I'll lose momentum and never start again, which would be tragic for everyone, but mostly for my ex-girlfriend, who would have to come up with another reason to tell me why I'm stupid, waste all my time, like worthless things, will never succeed in life, and am an overall unintelligent pop-culture worshipping peasent of the superficial underbelly of the rotten American soul. Luckily I think she's got about 99 other things on that list to pull up, so I may as well proceed. As the great literate F. Scott Fitzgerland once wrote: "You're simply stubborn. You think you don't want to be like any one else. You always have been that way, and you always will be. But just think how it would be if every one else looked at things as you do—what would the world be like? "

Anyhow back to Nathaniel Hawthorne's great masterpiece with a forward by George Orwell: South of Nowhere! The valiant knight errant Jake has an idea! Kyla can go missing! Then people will wonder is she safe? Is she hiding? Is she a victim of foul play? Has she been slaughtered in the fields by a jealous country wife? I have an idea, how about she's a victim of Douchebaggery.

Jake: "It's all about manipulating perception." [ I wish he could manipulate my perception of this scene so that it involved Spencer, Ashley, and nudity. Or great literature, like The Iliad, The Odyssey and/or Goodnight Moon.]
Kyla: "I'm gonna have a press conference and I'm gonna tell everybody the truth."
Joan Keats: "Beauty is truth, truth beauty."
Carly: "I think Kyla's entire convo where she tells off Jake is like, totally great for song lyrics. she should look into that."

That's right everyone! Kyla realizes she doesn't need Jake anymore. But! He says he'll ruin her if she goes to the press. Because he is JAKE! You know, JAKE! Jake the -- guy -- who -- is -- um. He has a blog? I have a blog! I should ruin someone! Nah, I'd never do that. Why make people feel shitty about themselves for no real reason? I learned that from Bambi, the film:

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
(Thumper)
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The Moon is a Harsh Mistress

Here's a scene where a bunch of boys sit around a fire and yell at each other about peanut butter sandwiches. You know I used to almost have a crush on Aiden, but now he doesn't really even have any lines. I guess most of his lines were variations on "I'm a doorknob."
I know there's lots of choice Glen moments in this episode, but really nothing touches the soul quite like this one. Aiden asks if anyone's up for another PB&J -- obvs he's trying to smooth aforementioned tension and collective sorrow that they aren't enjoying Col. Sanders Special Sauce Filets. Glen says he's lost his appetite, probs thinking about how now he won't be able to get it up later when Aiden's ready for a Brokeback moment.

But Dear Dad won't let it drop and makes some adolescent remark about how the mountains are supposed to build up an appetite, which I think he learned in a Gatorade commercial.

Dad: "For most people, being in the mountains increases their appetite."
Glen: "WELL I GUESS I'M NOT MOST PEOPLE!!"
Dad: "What are you trying to tell me, Glen?"
Aiden: "Glen -- don't -- just have a peanut butter sandwich?"
Glen: "You know that's not the kind of sandwich I want!"
Aiden: "Glen, this is not the time or the place."
Glen: "Then what is the right time, Aiden? We could have a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! You have no idea how bad it gets! I wish I knew how to quit you!"
Dad: "What's going on? Glen, you are not allowed to quit anything else, I thought we discussed this."
Aiden: "Well at least he's not getting fired --"
Glen: "Well you might change your mind, DAD, when I tell you what's been on my mind."
Dad: "What's going on, Aiden?"
Aiden: [shrugs, gives adorable smirk that makes Glen blush, think about having buttsex later.]
Dad: "Glen?"
Glen: "I'm going to TACO BELL!" (storms off)

**All of the above dialogue after "well i guess I'm not most people" is not real and was made up just now, by me.**

Aiden & Glen during their last trip to the Sierras.
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Carly: "I'm almost starting to feel bad for glenn. .... almost."
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Love's Labours Lost
Carly: "Ooo kissing, drinkkk! These two are sooo gay."

I can't imagine what Goneika, Spencer and Ashley have been doing all day, maybe talking about documentaries, but the honeymoon is over, the lighting has been dimmed, Jwanika exits and Ashley's all jealous. Then Spencer & Ashley start kissing but are interrupted by a text from KYLA! Kyla's having a PRESS CONFERENCE! At like 9 pm on a Saturday! Oh no! What about Jake? What about Bob? What about your Mom? Why is Kyla famous again? She should flash her vadge, or date a girl in a fedora or something.
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Tila Tequilla ain't got NOTHIN' on Kyla
Kyla's having a press conference. In lieu of actual press, she's gotten me, Sarah Warn and Grace Moon to show up with tape recorders and 100 microphones. Kyla wants to apologize to Ashley who unlike her is "seriously talented." Then she apologizes to her dead Dad 'cause his music deserves "so much more." She saves the best apology for last, obviously: "to all my friends on the web." No mention of if these are friends or "friends plus." Only OurChart can answer that question.

Carly: "How are there so many people at this press conference? Did one of those mics at the podium say ESPN? that can't be right. don't cry at a press conference, honey, it's tacky. I hope she ends up in rehab, that would be a fun plot line. When she said "all of my friends on the web" I audibly scoffed."

[seeeeee???? this is why me and carly are friends reason 300.]

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I feel like this whole trip could've gone a lot better if someone brought astronaut ice cream


Ooo! I think Glen's gonna get attacked by a grizzly bear! Then Dad can adopt Aiden, there'll be no more Glen-Chelsea storyline, and we can get back to business, which's what is happening with Spencer and Ashley alone in the bedroom.

Glen's had enough! He hates camping and fishing! So there, Cabella's, so there, Ranger Rick, Glen is NOT INTERESTED in your camping bullcrap! I think there's some starving children in Somalia who'd love to have a tent over their heads, Glenathon, how ungrateful.

"Why don't you just adopt Aiden?" Glen shouts. Um, hello, who had that idea first, I did. God. Aiden never has a comeback. His comeback is always just "standing there, looking smoldering/dumb as drywall"
Carly: "Dad's being so mean to glenn. is he about to get mauled by a bear? That was so dennis the menace, that "glenn!" scream. "Adopt aiden?" Umm, might be a sticky subject, considering how well their last adoption worked out. Ouch. Too soon."
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Much Ado About Nothing
Ashley's gone home to see Kyla, leaving her sexy weekend with Spencer behind, which's sad --I want their relationship to actually work before this show ends. I mean it may as well. Otherwise I'll spend my life wondering, like I've been doing w/r/t Brian Krakow/Jordan Catalano.

Kyla's so sorry! She really blew it! Um, yeah she did, we were supposed to enjoy a weekend of sexytime at the Carlin Casa, and instead we had to listen to her whiny nonsense. I call for a rematch. They hug and make up. Now back to another scene I don't care about.
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Carly: "Act 3! Did glenn sleep in the woods? In the tent? Underwater? I hope Glenn talks about why he's a fuck up in this conversation, I'd like to know. "Aiden's my boy" ... YEAH HE IS wink wink. If I was drinking during this episode I'd be WASTED by now, jeez."
Riese: [singing] "Get wasted on life, get wasted on love, get wasted on everything Glen says ..."

Puddn'head Glen
It's the bright shiny morning at Camp City and Glen's taking out pent-up frustration on a river by tossing pebbles into the troubled water from his bridge. Dear Dad arrives, prepared for a serious social worker moment and points out that Glen's changed so much since they left Ohio.

Dad: "You've dropped out of sports, you've been strung out on painkillers, you've been fired from two jobs, you've dropped out of school and you're not showing any kind of direction ... here's something you might have forgotten -- back in Ohio before you blew out your knee you were a star athlete. Watching you play was like poetry. You volunteered at the Y on weekends. You didn't get straight A's, but you were pulling down solid B's. All the other kids looked up to you. That didn't come from me or your mother. It had nothing to do with camping, that's something you made of yourself, you did it. Something special. What happened to that Glen?"

First of all Glen is wearing his Wave Cadets t-shirt, Dad, obvs he's ready to get back in the game. He's ready to surf in the game, wade through the game, and ride the game all the way to shore, and then shore up some more game. Secondly, they should move to Ohio, and then my Grandparents can do a cameo. Obviously Los Angeles corrupts people, look what happened to Jenny Schecter and Haviland.

Thirdly, Glen expresses real feelings about Dad giving up med school to care for his fetus and his new status sans Clay the Golden Boy. It's actually kinda a well-done convo, I don'tknow what to think.

Fourthly, Glen says he doesn't know where "that Glen" is which comes as no surprise to anyone who's seen Glen's SAT scores, he similarly doesn't know where that adjective went. Dad says that when That Glen returns, he should, "tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him." Okay, social worker, let's get back into where we're more comfortable -- first person.

Carly: "You were a star athlete" "THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN DAD"
Glenn's wave shirt reminds me of that old video they made us watch in school, "the wave" ... anyone ever see that? Weird propaganda thing? STRENGTH THROUGH COMMUNITY!"
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Midnight's Children
There's new content on Kyla's Awesome Members @aolhome webpage ... what's Kyla's midnight confession? That she has a mullet. I have a big FYI for humanity -- don't say nasty shit about people to a video camera. I mean, why? Why not just say it when the video camera's off? Like what exactly do you need that moment captured on video for? The grandkids?

Oh! I bet that's the mood enhancers talking.
Carly: "OMG I NEVER SAW THIS COMINGGGG ... Jake putting vids of her online? Come on people. "not in a gay way or anything, cause we're sisters " ... TOTAL AUTOWIN SHOUTOUTTT"

CHAOTIC!
So Kyla has a lot of feelings such as: Ashley's a bisexual whore (which I think could actually work FOR her, not against her), Ray Davies was a drugged out asshole Dad (which's probs why she has Daddy issues and sprung for Jake), and Ashley slept with their producer. Which isn't true. If Spencer believes this video and it ruins their relationship, I'm boycotting this show! Oh wait. NM. Already been cancelled.

Also, Kyla's life is over. When people hit rock bottom, I start to like them more, 'cause then I relate to them more, and I almost feel sorry for her -- sorry that she's put it all out there, left the manipulator who would've stuck by her forevs if nothing else, and she still ends up auto-losing. Like you got nothing, and then you got nothing.

Ashley slams the laptop shut 'cause she is not wasting one more moment of battery power on wireless streaming video. What exactly does Jake hope to accomplish, besides just spreading evil and making people upset? I was about to say this is the difference between people on television and real life, but actually ... I think this is the difference between crazy people and not-crazy people, probs.

And that brings us, children, to the moral of this story: smile pretty and watch your back. You know who taught me that? Ani DiFranco. What's my point? I'd like to end with a quote from the great literate Nietzche, who wrote "What is the seal of liberation? — No longer being ashamed in front of oneself."

Carly: "Wow. not a good day (days?) for ashley this week."

Next week with Carly's help and photogeniticism, I will be funnier.

Carly: "Sorry. I'm funnier drunk. And when you're here"
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[seeeeeeee???]
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Carly, who saw "next on" which I did not see on the internets: "OOOH NEXT-TIME-ONS ... I'm glad they introduced a lesbian w/ short hair, way to make it more realistic and diverse. OMG WHY IS SHE KISSING SPENCERRR? Hey it's not on next week, yay!!!"

15 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...

    Loved your recap, I'm glad u decided writing it. (It's probably the only reason I watch SoN)  

  2. Danielle said...

    I've always had the same problem with My So-Called Life. We shall never know if Angela chose Jordan or Brian.

    Also: I LOVE your ever-changing spelling of Jonica. Personally, I think that she should change her name to Joniqua [JOH-NEE-KWUH]. Anything would be better than Fred. I honestly couldn't tell if she was joking about that or not. WTF? she is such a poser...

    SAVE SPASHLEY!!!  

  3. Vashti said...

    I'd just like to say that I watched "The Wave" in 8th grade.  

  4. carlytron said...

    OMG i am LOLing reading this all finalized now. we are SO BESTIEZZZ.

    anyway. your changing spelling of whats-her-face was amazing. and I loled when i saw "CHAOTIC!" your work here was top notch, A+, extremely funny, I LOLed. as a caption. i can't wait for next episode when we are reunited.

    and anyone who has seen The Wave is awesome.  

  5. marlene. said...

    my laptop froze when i watched this and "not in a gay way" played over and over again on loop for a good 3 minutes. la la loved that you both said the same things. xoxo!  

  6. regenbogen said...

    To answer your questions:

    1.Because of your higher purpose(s)
    2.easy access..and no slamming
    3.phone, fax, drum it in..I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can...there are hills and mountains
    4.I care about Glen because Spencer would want that.
    5.he doesn't have to know..  

  7. Anna said...

    It's funny coz Kate French, the actress who plays Matt Cohen's love interest is portraying Niki Stevens on the L Word who is believed to be based on Lindsay Lohan.  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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