Carly & I couldn't get our shit together last weekend, 'cause we're both very busy & important. Therefore I've got no photos of us. Howevs, I'm confident that our photos and collected commentary would've felt cold there in the shadows cast by the bright sunlight of the jam-packed action-stuffed overwhelmingly exciting Episode 11 "A Very Inconvenient Truth." Next week we'll be on the ball, we've already promised ourselves. Carly's opinions, via email, are included below, because that's how we do that thing we do. Also; Carly wrote me her feedback without reading my recap first. If you're curious about why, exactly, we are friends, the answer is here.
1. Why are we so busy and so important?
2. Again -- and we'll keep asking 'til we get an answer -- why does everyone have a beaded curtain instead of a door?
3. Is it okay for us to phone it in this week?
4. Are there Glen fans out there? Like are there people out there who watch this show genuinely interested in what happens to Glen?
5. I don't think Al Gore would be okay with this, do you?
Ear Nose and Throat by Jake
No one will believe that, says crafty Kyla. Ashley did, says Jake. Also, that's like saying that I'm not gonna believe someone's crazytown story about being Jesus or whatever, obvs I will believe anything, except for compliments, Ashley may be smokin' hot but she's not the sharpest tack in the box.
You're beginning to walk the fine line between "lying to make life easier" and "spending so much time creating new lies to cover old lies that it ends up being a lot harder than just going with the truth."
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
Kyla laughs, like, "honey, just wait 'til you see what Jake's got on his handycam." (UPDATE: OMG, I called it?!) Also, clearly this was filmed ten years ago, there's a whole new Lohan out & about these days, and I wish she was on this show, making out with her girlfriend ... that's my kind of business.
Carly: "Why they gotta call out my girl Lohan like that? OMG kyla confessing! The acting in this scene is worse than normal, I think."
Girl You Know It's True, OOO OOO OOO, I Fucked You [Over]
I hope someone's got that glass under control, Jake could step in it and die and then what would we do with those five extra minutes of show? Maybe we could give them to Glen, that guy needs some serious screentime. What's GLEN'S STORY?
Carly: " Why is everyone's bedroom pink? Ooo 310 Spashley time."
Content: Ashley's ON THE LAM! The media's HUNTING HER DOWN! She's Amy Winehouse! She's O.J Simpson! She's Lindsay Lohan, taking her business down the 405! Where oh where will Ashley hide from the liberal media elite? NEVER FEAR, gumshoes! Spencer the towelhead's got no plans, Mom's working a double shift (drink) and Dad's going camping with Glen, so Spashley can have a weekend alone all to themselves. Also, if my girlfriend's family was going out of town, she'd probs notify me several weeks in advance. Ashley was on her way to the batting cages, but figures she can work out the urge to strangle Kyla in a healthier way if she goes to Spencer's. Like maybe she can re-route this aggression towards Spencer's vadge and a solid double-headed dildo.
Prognosis: Babes in Babeland for sure.
Glen's not excited about the big camp-out with Dad. Me neither, as there is not any storyline I could possibly be less interested in than Glen & Dear Dad in the woods with the fish, animals, deer and moose. I hope they accidentally shoot Sarah and/or Todd Palin in the ear.
Ashley asks Spencer if she's wearing space pants 'cause she looks out of this world, or something but hi-ho, someone's at the door!
Ever seen the extra DVD features on The L Word?
[sidenote: I love it when Carly and I accidentally make the same jokes.]
I Won't Be Left Dancing Alone to Songs of my Dad's Past
Jake: "The second you get back up on stage. BAM! You're smack back into everybody's heart!"
I think Jake has confused Kyla with cocaine. He tells her Ashley signed off on the performance, which I doubt, but Kyla doesn't. It really baffles me that these two girls didn't think high school was necessary.
Kyla:"I told her that my voice was dubbed, Jake. I had to. She's family."
Jake: "I don't care if she was the damn pope. You don't confess to anything unless I give you permission."
I feel like this relationship is unhealthy. I also feel like everyone's emotional reactions are on mute. Like every time they have a feeling, the director is like "dial it down a little. This is the N. It's on before Moesha."
Sometimes I think c'mon Glen, you're asking for it, and then I think, that sounds like something I would do. But also, I'm very busy, and as far as I can tell, Glen has absolutely nothing to do, ever, besides stand around in Chelsea's Sapphic Art Studio, trying to make thoughts penetrate his plastic helmet of hair.
When not watching documentaries and getting s'more with other girl scouts, Jeanica enjoys reading Perez Hilton
Ashley gives Jean the look of death, rightly so.
Crime and Punishment
Anyhow back to Nathaniel Hawthorne's great masterpiece with a forward by George Orwell: South of Nowhere! The valiant knight errant Jake has an idea! Kyla can go missing! Then people will wonder is she safe? Is she hiding? Is she a victim of foul play? Has she been slaughtered in the fields by a jealous country wife? I have an idea, how about she's a victim of Douchebaggery.
Kyla: "I'm gonna have a press conference and I'm gonna tell everybody the truth."
Joan Keats: "Beauty is truth, truth beauty."
Carly: "I think Kyla's entire convo where she tells off Jake is like, totally great for song lyrics. she should look into that."
That's right everyone! Kyla realizes she doesn't need Jake anymore. But! He says he'll ruin her if she goes to the press. Because he is JAKE! You know, JAKE! Jake the -- guy -- who -- is -- um. He has a blog? I have a blog! I should ruin someone! Nah, I'd never do that. Why make people feel shitty about themselves for no real reason? I learned that from Bambi, the film:
The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
Here's a scene where a bunch of boys sit around a fire and yell at each other about peanut butter sandwiches. You know I used to almost have a crush on Aiden, but now he doesn't really even have any lines. I guess most of his lines were variations on "I'm a doorknob."
But Dear Dad won't let it drop and makes some adolescent remark about how the mountains are supposed to build up an appetite, which I think he learned in a Gatorade commercial.
Glen: "WELL I GUESS I'M NOT MOST PEOPLE!!"
Dad: "What are you trying to tell me, Glen?"
Aiden: "Glen -- don't -- just have a peanut butter sandwich?"
Glen: "You know that's not the kind of sandwich I want!"
Aiden: "Glen, this is not the time or the place."
Glen: "Then what is the right time, Aiden? We could have a good life together! Fuckin' real good life! You have no idea how bad it gets! I wish I knew how to quit you!"
Dad: "What's going on? Glen, you are not allowed to quit anything else, I thought we discussed this."
Aiden: "Well at least he's not getting fired --"
Glen: "Well you might change your mind, DAD, when I tell you what's been on my mind."
Dad: "What's going on, Aiden?"
Aiden: [shrugs, gives adorable smirk that makes Glen blush, think about having buttsex later.]
**All of the above dialogue after "well i guess I'm not most people" is not real and was made up just now, by me.**
Aiden & Glen during their last trip to the Sierras.
Carly: "I'm almost starting to feel bad for glenn. .... almost."
Love's Labours Lost
I can't imagine what Goneika, Spencer and Ashley have been doing all day, maybe talking about documentaries, but the honeymoon is over, the lighting has been dimmed, Jwanika exits and Ashley's all jealous. Then Spencer & Ashley start kissing but are interrupted by a text from KYLA! Kyla's having a PRESS CONFERENCE! At like 9 pm on a Saturday! Oh no! What about Jake? What about Bob? What about your Mom? Why is Kyla famous again? She should flash her vadge, or date a girl in a fedora or something.
Tila Tequilla ain't got NOTHIN' on Kyla
Carly: "How are there so many people at this press conference? Did one of those mics at the podium say ESPN? that can't be right. don't cry at a press conference, honey, it's tacky. I hope she ends up in rehab, that would be a fun plot line. When she said "all of my friends on the web" I audibly scoffed."
[seeeeee???? this is why me and carly are friends reason 300.]
I feel like this whole trip could've gone a lot better if someone brought astronaut ice cream
Ooo! I think Glen's gonna get attacked by a grizzly bear! Then Dad can adopt Aiden, there'll be no more Glen-Chelsea storyline, and we can get back to business, which's what is happening with Spencer and Ashley alone in the bedroom.
Glen's had enough! He hates camping and fishing! So there, Cabella's, so there, Ranger Rick, Glen is NOT INTERESTED in your camping bullcrap! I think there's some starving children in Somalia who'd love to have a tent over their heads, Glenathon, how ungrateful.
"Why don't you just adopt Aiden?" Glen shouts. Um, hello, who had that idea first, I did. God. Aiden never has a comeback. His comeback is always just "standing there, looking smoldering/dumb as drywall"
Much Ado About Nothing
Kyla's so sorry! She really blew it! Um, yeah she did, we were supposed to enjoy a weekend of sexytime at the Carlin Casa, and instead we had to listen to her whiny nonsense. I call for a rematch. They hug and make up. Now back to another scene I don't care about.
Carly: "Act 3! Did glenn sleep in the woods? In the tent? Underwater? I hope Glenn talks about why he's a fuck up in this conversation, I'd like to know. "Aiden's my boy" ... YEAH HE IS wink wink. If I was drinking during this episode I'd be WASTED by now, jeez."
Riese: [singing] "Get wasted on life, get wasted on love, get wasted on everything Glen says ..."
First of all Glen is wearing his Wave Cadets t-shirt, Dad, obvs he's ready to get back in the game. He's ready to surf in the game, wade through the game, and ride the game all the way to shore, and then shore up some more game. Secondly, they should move to Ohio, and then my Grandparents can do a cameo. Obviously Los Angeles corrupts people, look what happened to Jenny Schecter and Haviland.
Thirdly, Glen expresses real feelings about Dad giving up med school to care for his fetus and his new status sans Clay the Golden Boy. It's actually kinda a well-done convo, I don'tknow what to think.
Fourthly, Glen says he doesn't know where "that Glen" is which comes as no surprise to anyone who's seen Glen's SAT scores, he similarly doesn't know where that adjective went. Dad says that when That Glen returns, he should, "tell him his old man will be on the sidelines cheering for him." Okay, social worker, let's get back into where we're more comfortable -- first person.
Carly: "You were a star athlete" "THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN DAD"
Glenn's wave shirt reminds me of that old video they made us watch in school, "the wave" ... anyone ever see that? Weird propaganda thing? STRENGTH THROUGH COMMUNITY!"
Oh! I bet that's the mood enhancers talking.
Also, Kyla's life is over. When people hit rock bottom, I start to like them more, 'cause then I relate to them more, and I almost feel sorry for her -- sorry that she's put it all out there, left the manipulator who would've stuck by her forevs if nothing else, and she still ends up auto-losing. Like you got nothing, and then you got nothing.
Ashley slams the laptop shut 'cause she is not wasting one more moment of battery power on wireless streaming video. What exactly does Jake hope to accomplish, besides just spreading evil and making people upset? I was about to say this is the difference between people on television and real life, but actually ... I think this is the difference between crazy people and not-crazy people, probs.
And that brings us, children, to the moral of this story: smile pretty and watch your back. You know who taught me that? Ani DiFranco. What's my point? I'd like to end with a quote from the great literate Nietzche, who wrote "What is the seal of liberation? — No longer being ashamed in front of oneself."
Next week with Carly's help and photogeniticism, I will be funnier.
Carly, who saw "next on" which I did not see on the internets: "OOOH NEXT-TIME-ONS ... I'm glad they introduced a lesbian w/ short hair, way to make it more realistic and diverse. OMG WHY IS SHE KISSING SPENCERRR? Hey it's not on next week, yay!!!"