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Hi guys! Welcome to South of Nowhere's last hurrah! Apparently this show got canceled (perhaps Hot Topic went under and they lost their sponsorship deal, though I hope for Ashley's sake she got to keep all those studded wristcuffs) but The N managed to squeeze its last eight episodes into their jam packed schedule of Moesha re-runs. Why do Carly and I watch this show? Because we will watch anything with pretty lesbians in it. Oh! Speaking of lesbians --

I'm a part of 8 Against 8 - 8 Lesbain Bloggers Against Proposition 8, which is going to pass unless we do something about it. Prop 8 would ban gay marriage in California. Read more about it at Autowin and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate to the cause.

If you haven't been reading my L Word recaps or Autowin, lemme update you on what's happened to us since last season: Carly and I have transformed from Team Rebound/Hot Mess into Team Almost Has it Together (I'm referring mostly to Carly here). I cut my hair like a lesbo, but now it's grown out again. Carly cut her hair too, now she looks even more like a lesbo than she did last year. This brings me to my next topic which is the show South of Nowhere.

Ashley and Spencer did NOT cut their hair, they're both still sporting lovely long hair, I'd like to bathe in it.

If you missed Episode 9, Career Day-- which I'm not gonna recap, 'cause I ain't got no money and I aint' got no time -- here's a quick rundown of what happened: Ashley & Spencer were sitting in a silk bed, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kyla's a bad singer so Jake replaced her track with fake vocals, Jake fired Glen 'cause Glen's a fuckup and Jake's a douche, Spencer met a documentary filmmaker at Career Day -- a storyline which undoubtedly will make Carly & I claw our eyes out, since we do that stuff in REAL LIFE and therefore cannot handle the fake jargon -- Spencer met said filmmaker for coffee at Planet-tastic, and Aiden is still dating that girl who I now realize is Nikki Stevens from The L Word, I can't believe I didn't catch it before!

This is confusing 'cause she's not a good actress. There's only one thing this actress does well, and she can't do it on The N. This is what that thing is:

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We made a drinking game for this season. We wrote it before viewing so we had to scrape it together from what we could remember from last season. Maybe we'll add to it later.

One (1) Drink:
Kyla or someone in her posse references a side effect of Kyla's drug-related behavior or implies she's on drugs but doesn't say it directly.
Spencer rolls her eyes at her parents
Dad's wearing an apron or preparing food
Spencer & Ashley are on the phone - +1 for Ash in her underwear

Someone references:
-Glen being a fuck-up
-How Paula works so hard and works so many hours
-Kyla being famous on the internet
-Kyla doing drugs (especially if it's a dubious reference to a side effect or other suggestive behavior, rather than actually referencing the drug or the act of doing drugs itself)
-The dead guy


Two [2] Drinks:
Chelsea says something that seems gratuitously "black" -- "Hey girrrllll" or something.
Spencer talks dirty in her cute Spencer-ish way
Glenn hits on a girl successfully
Ashley makes out with a dude
Someone is videotaped doing something scandalous
Someone quits something.

Chug:
Aiden and Glen make out.

Open Drinking:
Spencer and Ashley kiss - drink for the kiss's duration.
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Carly
: What kind of weird third dimension is this? I can see her BRA!
Riese
: The lighting is very soft-core porn.
It's Spencer's b-day and Ashley, dressed like a girl who turns tricks in a suburban mall, brings Spencer breakfast in bed & 18 flowers to show her how much she la-la-la-loves her. They're so cute and soft together. Spencer's shocked that Ashley cooked but Ash says Dad helped her make the waffles, which's upsetting 'cause it's probs an Eggo and all you need to do to make Eggos is insert an object into a little slit ... I think Ashley should've stayed in school.

Ash points out that Spencer can do all kinds of fun things now that she's 18. Spencer, cutely/eagerly offers: "I can vote!" Ash says that's the most boring thing she could've picked. Voting for Barack Obama to change our world and bring us into a bright new tomorrow obvs cannot hold a candle to smoking a cigarette or joining the army.

Then Hey Paula busts up this morning lovefest with Spencer's voter registration form and a pack of American Spirits, which're all natural and therefore better for you. Grandmama's visiting today, says Hey Paula! Spencer squeals like a little girl, her cheecks glow w/spirited radiance, and her outer beauty reflects her sparkling inner beauty.
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Lesbian Sexy Moment #2: Twisted Elbow Crush Song
This was a very short drink.
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Carly
: Oh, this is gonna be the coming-out-to-Grandma episode?
Riese: I'm never coming out to my Grandma.
Carly: I came out to my Grandma on her death bed.
Riese: Seriously?
Carly: Yeah literally I came out to her and she died eight minutes later.
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Has this always been in the opening credits? We usually fast-forward. They should change it every week, like The Simpsons. Next week: "That's not what you said last night."
We're so funny. We crack ourselves up.
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Behind the Music: The Ashley Davies Story, a True Life Special
Ash: "Your grandma knows you're gay, right?" Spencer: "Don't you wish people just knew without having to tell them?" Oh, Spencer. Welcome to the rest of your life as a gay lady sporting long hair and mini-skirts. No-one will ever know.

I want every grandmother on every show ever to be played by Bunny, Trey's mother from Sex and the City. I'm gonna be very disappointed if that doesn't happen.

Ash lends Spence her video camera. I'm hoping this'll lead in to Spencer discovering Jake's home-porn stash rather than Spencer suddenly becoming a filmmaker and learning Final Cut in an hour.

DRINK!
: Kyla's drug reference - "I'm sick, I have chills."

Carly: "Why does nobody have DOORS on this show? Who uses beaded curtains?"
Riese: "Maybe Delia*s had a sale on dorm-stuff."
Carly: "In 1996."
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I Can Just Hop a Plane and come and visit you again

Spencer picks up G'ma from the airport in the hot ride she's borrowing from her very special friend. G'ma asks if it's her boyfriend's car -- Carly says it's like that only "without a penis." G'ma sat next to a "hippie-type" on the plane who makes jewelery and consequently G'ma bought Spencer a necklace. We're prepared for G'ma to pull out a hemp rope with native beads and a rainbow pendant, but no dice.

What kind of hippie makes cheap gold lockets? Maybe she said "yuppie" and Grandmama didn't have the hearing aid in. I think G'ma got scammed, there's no shaman or moon goddess offering protection via that hideous thing.

G'ma's fine that Spencer doesn't have a boyf, 'cause Spencer's gotta concentrate on school. Just wait 'til Grandma finds out that Spencer's actually got a girlfriend, said girlfriend is a high school dropout and said girlfriend is the daughter of rock 'n roll legend Ray Davies. I think he used to tour with Kit Porter.
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Art is Why She Gets up in the Morning, Obvs
Glen and Chelsea are pallin' around in Chelsea's art studio. I'm surprised Chelsea can stand up straight, there's all these beads around her neck weighing her down. There's a lot of beads on this show, you could anally bead Big Gay Al from his bellybutton to his butthole about twenty times before the episode is over. I actually honestly have no fucking idea what anal beads do. I just think it's funny that they exist. Anyone?

Anyhow, Chelsea's made a charcoal painting about her first lesbian experience and Glen predictably thinks it ROCKS!!!!

It's Called "Ode to Shane"

Oh wait, JK, it's a rough sketch of the memorial for The Clay Memorial Contest, a big shebang a là Nobel Peace Prize. OK! Who's gonna win? Everybody now: the black girl obvs! It was much easier to use this joke when we had an actual black girl in our viewing team. Now it's just me and Carly, Jewy McLesbostiens, we should really reign it in.

Wanna see my sketches for the contest? I was trying to think of famous hompohobes, since as you know they killed Clay on account of the actor who played his role not approving of the beautiful union that is Spashley. I couldn't think of any dead famous homophobes, so I just took a gamble with dead famous white guys, and let my pen run away with me:

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Anyhow, Chelsea's wants to drop out of the contest on account of too much "pressure" but Glen pep talks her back into the contest.

There's a serious drop-out problem on this show. Everyone drops out of everything. Carly suggests they call the theme song "drop out on love" instead of "get wasted on love."

DRINK!: Dead guy reference.
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I Wish Grandma had gotten Run Over by a Reindeer
Hey hey the gang's all here! Let's get your suitcases inside, G'mama, it looks like you went wild at Talbots for the big vay-cay. Did you know Spencer can vote now? I bet she's gonna vote no on 8. Dear Dad goes for the makeout and Grandma gives him the fakeout. Despite the fact that Spencer's now legally allowed to have a cigarette smoking or hookah bar party, she's hosting a BBQ in the backyard with her family for the big 1-8. My apologies to GLSEN .... but that's so gay.
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That's what SHE Said!
DRINK!: Reference to Glen being a fuck up: "They expect me to be late, okay, I try not to exceed expectations."
DRINK!: Reference to the dead guy: "It's my brother's memory we're talking about here. I wouldn't want some stranger messing that up."

I forget what happened in this scene and don't feel like watching it again. These are my notes: Glen says she makes a cute face when she's doing her art. That's foreshadowing, they're gonna do it. Don't forget to use protection, kids.
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the Yellow Wallpaper, oh, the yellow wallpaper ...
Paula's setting up Spencer's room for G'ma and insits it's okay for Spencer to sleep in Clay's room. G'ma doesn't want Spencer sleeping in a bed a black guy used to sleep in, let alone a bed a dead black guy used to sleep in. Then, G'ma -- who's already actively poking around the room looking for clues that Spencer is sniffing computer duster -- notes that Clay was a sweet boy, almost like a grandson. That's our clue that she's both a racist and a gay-hater. These things come in pairs.

G'ma asks "who's this girl in all the photos," e.g., the photo from Pride. Where was it taken, she asks? Hey Paula cuts off Spencer's big spill with:"A picnic, in West Hollywood." Mmm-hmm. You know, a picnic. It's like a clambake, kinda.

Carly predicts that G'ma's gonna find a dildo under the bed.
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Don't Tell Grandma What You Saw
Hey Paula tells Spencer to keep the scissoring stuff on the DL, but Spencer protests. Again -- I'm confused.

Is this what it's like to be young and gay these days? It's never occurred to me to come out to my grandparents. Hello, I've chosen to come out to the rest of my family secretly, via facebook. G'ma's dressed up like she's about to do a Gap campaign and notes that she's gotten "hip" in her old age. Yeah, we'll see how "hip" she is when Spencer drops the Gay Bomb.

G'ma notices a hot young man at the grill in the backyard. I'm confused thinking she's talking about Glen. She's not -- it's Aiden, the Grillmaster, Dear Dad's new BFF. Ash & Mom are BFF's now (Ashley said so in Scene One), so Dad has to get a new BFF too. G'ma yells "flip me a burger!" at Aiden. Apparently G'ma approves of statuatory rape but draws the line at sodomy. Boo.

What if I want to Relish TOMORROW? Then what, pretty boy?
Aiden's apron, for those of you who cannot read, says: "Relish today, ketchup tomorrow." Spencer strolls over in her lovely summer sunddress, looking as fresh and vibrant as a cool ray of sunshine spilling light onto an afternoon picnic. Spence warns Aiden that if he keeps hanging out with Dear Dad, he'll start "listening to James Taylor, watching Iron Chef, and making corny jokes." James Taylor and Iron Chef are awesome, so I don't see the problem there. Also look at the apron, it's a lost cause w/r/t corny jokes.

Aiden heard that Spencer and Ashley are back "on," which's "good". "That's how it's supposed to be," he says. That's right -- as a lesbian, Aiden is aware that women look best with other women. Although srsly Aiden; tell that to Jenny Schecter, 'cause you're fucking her girlfriend Nikki Stevens!!

Riese:
"Okay, if I'd been back together with my girlfriend for three days, and we'd been on and off for ages, I wouldn't tell any of my friends, let alone my grandmother."
Carly: "I wouldn't even change my facebook status."
Riese: "I'd just make it complicated."
Carly: "I would not even tell my network."
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Yeah, Totally, It's Like a Model Apartment My Friend Got it For Us, It's like Totally Totes.

Oh! The big city! The sights and sounds of Times Square, as represented by a salsa-band track I think they got from iMovie. Ethan's so happy to see the girls, right at home in the Bluth's living room, a room which's supposed to be a "place to hang" according to Top Hipster Jake. Jake's already got the sound equipment checked, 'cause he has secret powers that enabled him to stop time and go to the studio, like Hiro.

Riese: "How the F could they just skip that endless plane ride and go right to the part where they're in NYC?"
Carly: "What the fuck? That is a serious event to skip!"
Riese: "The flight from LA to New York is SERIOUS! If Kyla was sick she would've died on the plane."
Carly: "What a whirlwind!"
Riese: "I can't believe she wore that bra the whole time, she should've worn sweatpants."

Ethan asks the girls if they are ready to rock. Before Ashley and Kyla have time to think about whether or not they are in fact ready to rock and then confirm or deny said readiness to rock to Ethan, Jake interrupts to assert that "they sure are" ready to rock.

I'd add "Jake says something douchey" to the drinking game, but I don't want to give him any more attention than he already gives himself.

DRINK! = Kyla drug reference -- Ashley asks, "when you combine mood enhancers with vodka five out of the seven days of the week, how do you think you're gonna feel?"

"Mood enhancers"? Really? People say that? Jake says vodka & mood enhancers are what the music business is all about. Yeah, you can ask Milli Vanilli all about that. Actually, you can't, 'cause ROB'S DEAD. Ashley says she knows that the music isn't Kyla's thing and that she's just doing it for her. Kyla's about to confess that she's not even doing it it all -- but Jake interrupts, thus foiling everything omg.
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Blow Job Face!
This is a really weird contest, I don't remember ever entering anything in my whole life where I gave out my cell phone number. No one wanted my digits for the Lesbian Blog Contest or the Hot Blogger Calendar Contest or the 50-Yard Dash. Anyhow -- SURPRISE CHELSEA WON! The big lesbian fisting memorial will be up! Obvs I am sad about my designs losing, but as Carly said ...
--
Carly:
"If your baby daddy died and you're an artist and you still couldn't win the art contest for his memorial, then you really suck."
--
Glen exclaims: "It's time to party!!!" Not sure which version of SON "partying" I feel greater affinity for. Seems the only options on this show are: 1. mixing vodka with mood enhancers 5 out of the 7 days of the week, videotaping exploits for internet, 2. flipping a cheeseburger in the backyard with your parents & your allegedly hip grandmother. Also I don't drink before sunset.
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Who's ready to VOTE?!!!
Let's get back to PARTY CENTRAL! Glen observes Dear Dad and Aiden being grillmasters and is like wtf, I'm the one who's always all up in someone's grill. Get it? Ha! Sorry I can't help it I'm the golden boy. You'll know what I mean later. Glen is rebuffed when he offers to both Relish and Ketchup today.

DRINK! = Dear Dad is wearing an apron and/or cooking.

All Together Now: "You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am ..."
Glen: "Dude, you're wearing an apron!"
Aiden: "And I'm learning the secret to your Dad's grilled eggplant." (rubs belly suggestively) "Mmmmmm."
--
Carly
: "MAKE OUT!"
--
I think the secret to Dad's grilled eggplant is the apron. Or sugar -- LOTS OF SUGAR.
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Oh, Just a Little Someone I Picked up in Vancouver
The girl from MTV and her smokin' hot dykealicious ladyfriend have arrived with beers "for everyone who's legal" and soda "for the masses." C'mon, pussies. We're all "friends" here, who cares about legal ages, I'm sure Glen wants a beer to drown the sorrows of his lifetime of failures regardless of his legal age.

If I was going to someone's afternoon 18th birthday BBQ, I probs wouldn't sport a lesbionic t-shirt and bring beer, but I guess that's because I'm a real person and this is television. Also I'd never go to an afternoon BBQ, 'cause I don't eat cheeseburgers or drink before sunset. Hey Paula's not impressed to see Team Gay and Spencer's like, "You said I could invite friends!" The best part is that Lily says "Hey Paula."
--
Carly: "All my friends are lesbians now, okay?"
Riese: "That girl has SHORT HAIR, Spencer. Short hair."
--
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I Know You Just Wanna Be Like LiLo and SamRo, You'll Get Over It
Ashley's alone in the strange hotel, calling Spencer again to say: happy birthday, New York is so special and she just saw Zach Braff at the movies. Ethan enters and we predict that he's gonna try to kiss Ashley. And he does -- bt not before Ashley says how hot it is that they got this hot gig, 'cause TLR is the hottest thing since TRL!

Carly: "I hope that does stand for Total Live Request."
Riese: "It's Totes Live Request."

Then, as we predicted -- Ethan, hoping for another "dynamic duo," tries to lay a smoocher on Ashley's perfect lips 'cause she's "the one who got away." She gets away this time too, 'cause she loves Spencer. He shrugs. No biggie. Still the one who got away, just like before. Doo doo doo. Look at that, plot point introduced and then squelched with barely a moment wasted. Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted five out of seven days of the week, doo doo doo ...
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Riese:
"We should start a business where we predict what's gonna happen next in television shows."
Carly: "That is so true, 'cause we're always right."
Riese: "It could be like how people predict baseball games and elections."
Carly: "Oh totally, we should make business cards."
Riese: "This is even a better idea than the business cards for bringing it back around."
Carly: "Oh for sure."
--
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Man! I LOVE The Killers! DUDE!!! ME TOO!
Well, someone's ready to rock and roll!!! Glen's a little jellie. Chelsea's still wearing maternity clothes. Chelsea asks Glen why he doesn't just join in -- well, Glen is too cool for school and also too cool for father-son time. He just doesn't look good in an apron like Aiden the lesbian.
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GLENISM: "Let's face it, Chels, I'm the comic relief of this family. I'm not the golden boy, that was Clay's job.
That's unfortunate, 'cause he's not very funny and actually Clay was not so much golden as ebony, but anyhow.

DRINK!: Reference to Glen being a fuck-up and DRINK! for dead guy reference.
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I'd like to draw your attention to another case of serious Bead Overload

Hot Gay Girl's never made a s'more before 'cause she's from Brooklyn. They don't exactly "s'more it up" in Brooklyn, she says. They're too busy listening to indie rock bands, hemming their skinny jeans and fighting crime in Bed-Sty, obvs. Also, she's wrong, hello, Cosi. Also, The Chocolate Room.

The girl's name is John, which is probs 'cause there's no gender in the crazy world of West Hollywood lesbians. John was a girl scout, but surprise surprise, she was busy getting "s'more" of something else "if you know what I mean" and therefore wasn't eating fireside snacks. I think John is referring to lanyards and/or nature hikes, or possibly to wiping marshmallow off Spencer's little lips.

Just FYI, she didn't have any marshmallow on her lip, she just wanted to touch Spencer's skin. Don't we all. I hope this girl is a reoccurring character.

Ever noticed that Chelsea's reaction to lesbian action of any kind is to bug out her eyes?

G'ma: "Do you think those are the kind of people that Spencer should be spending time with?"
Hey Paula: "Spencer's not 18, I don't choose her friends, she does."
A HA! That's what Hey Paula was talking about when she said exciting things were in store for Spencer at age 18. Now Spencer gets to choose her friends!

For my 18th birthday I spent all the money I'd saved up the summer before college to get a hotel suite in Manhattan and throw a formal cocktail party for all my friends. We even had a bartender. I feel like if I'd had a barbecue with my Mom and kept that cash in the savings account, my whole life may have turned out a little bit better.
--
Carly:
"I think those girls are in a GANG, I don't trust them."
Riese: "Look at the bandana! Those are her COLORS."
--
Grandma says she doesn't judge. She then proceeds to give a speech that's 50% Sarah Palin and 50% Mrs. Fairbanks.

G'ma: "Spencer you know your friends the one with the shirt -- and the other one on -- it would appear that they are --"
Spencer: "Gay."
--
Riese: "LESBIANS! They're LESBIANS!"
Carly: "I see gay people!"
--
G'ma: "I don't judge (except I totally am) but we all have choices to make. (e.g., Pepsi or Coke? college or beauty school? life or death? vote or die?)"
Spencer: "Well, I think when you're gay, it's not really a choice."
G'ma: "Oh, no no. There's always a choice. I mean we all have feelings --"
Riese and Grandma together: "-- but we don't have to act on them."
--
Carly:
This is so Sharon Fairbanks.
Riese: She's so gay. It's always the gay ones who judge. OMG OMG OMG!!! That's the girl from the barn who made out with Sharon Fairbanks!!!!
Then G'ma says something totally crazytown about how these sophisticated non-homosexual choices separate the men from beasts or rats from snakes or something. Hey Paula decides to take the initiative and come out for Spencer. This means that now she loves Spencer for who she is.

Then G'ma is really upset and lays it into Hey Paula. For example, Grandmama doesn't like that Hey Paula married Dear Dad. I don't understand this, because my number one hero Sarah Palin says that if you're a teenager who gets preggers, you should get married asap. That's what Paula did, so what's the problem?

Paula says now that "mistake" she birthed out of wedlock is "outside helping his father clean up after his sister's birthday party." Oh NOW Glen is the golden child. I thought he was the comic relief, he should be throwing tomatoes at his own face wokka wokka.

Then Hey Paula continues that she doens't think any of these things she did with her life were a mistake, and her children are beautiful. Obvs Spencer is a looker, but I still feel like Paula's delusional about Glen. Why isn't Grandmama mad at Glen? He's the real fuck up. C'mon people, let's get our character types straight here.

Then we have a moment where Hey Paula says she won't do to Spencer what her Mom did to her. She won't make Spencer feel ashamed and scared, like a rotten low down dirty drunken trashwhore, just for living her dreams. In so many words. Ah-ha! So that's why Hey Paula was an asshole to Spencer. Now we've gotten that straightened up. yay for evolution! I mean dinosaurs, sorry Lordess Sarah Palin.

No seriously though ... it's actually kinda touching. Well done, bravo South of Nowhere. I bet it was Maeve's idea, when we met her she seemed really upset that people thought she was homophobic too, just 'cause Paula was homophobic.

The grandmothers who preach about this crap on teevee shows always talk with their lips pinched up like they've got toilet plungers stuck up their assholes. Probs 'cause their gay husbands left it there during last week's game of pin the tail on the geriatric donkey. Hey-o!
Hey Paula: "A mother's job is to love her child unconditionally. And to be proud of her.
And it took my daughter to teach me that and if you can't accept that, then that's your problem, not mine."
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HURRAH!
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DRINK!: Paula tries really hard to not act homophobic.
(bonus drink for references to anyone's "special friend," hasn't happened yet.)
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Girl You Know It's True, OOO OOO OOO, I'm on Glue
Back to Tango city! The Big Apple! Home of lights and signs and the busy busyhood of ANOTHER BEADED CURTAIN. Srsly, I am going to have to start counting beads. This is fucking out of control, for a second I thought that microphone in that screen shot was a bead and I would not have been surprised if it was. Here they are at the Community Access Television Station, ready to broadcast live. It's gonna be like Wayne's World I think. Carly's upset 'cause she says no one would ever broadcast live from The Living Room.

I dunno, I kinda preferred "TRL" to "TLR." I think we should get to request first, you know?

The gang gathers around for the big show! This is playing at like four in the afternoon, though I guess it's 7 in New York City but regardless I have a lot of questions for everyone. The first is "CAN I GET A WITNESS?" the second is; "Really Papi?" and the third is "What happened to John? Is she getting s'more s'mores?" and the fourth is "wtf."

Luckily, not everyone loses. Seriously. These girls win with those outfits.

Ethan is freaking out but Jake, the egomaniac who will probs eventually run for president, that seems to be his path, is all like, "Dude, you said take care of it, and so I took care of it." He's probs George W. Bush's nephew or something. Anyhow, that'll come back to haunt him one day, like it did with O.J.
Content: Ashley's music career is ruined forevs and evs but she needs to crash before Spencer can come over and go down on her. Once again, we skip the flight. If I was Ashley stuck trans-continental with a bitch who'd just pulled a Milli Vanilli on me, I'd have stuffed my Chicken a La King in her eyeballs around Indiana.
Future Prognosis: Looking good for a little late afternoon delight. Howevs, we know that whenever Ashley has a problem, she likes to get super moody and somehow ends up taking it out on spencer.
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"Not Gonna Lie to you Spencer, I went through ten Rabbits in one year"


Spencer notices that G'ma's trying to skip town without so much as a goodbye. She obvs has to get out of here before she catches the gay, which is highly contagious. Actually if I spent a lot of time with Spencer she could probs make me gay too, if I wasn't already leaning that way.

G'Ma: "I never loved your grandfather. He was a good man, but i never loved him. Yet, I stayed married to him 'til the day he passed away."
Spencer: "Why?"
G'Ma: "Because it was the right thing to do."
Spencer: "But doesn't your heart tell you what's right?" (no! Jesus does!)
G'Ma: "If it were only that simple."
Spencer: "Maybe it is."

I think G'Ma was talking about scissoring but that obvs went right over Spencer's head. Oh well she'll get it when she's older. Have you noticed that every color looks good on her? Oh Spence! Truer words were never spoken except when they were, by like everyone on every show ever.

Carly: "I should've gotten you a CROSS necklace, bitch."
"My Doctor said Mylanta."

Spencer clutches her locket close to her heart and says her grandma will always be in her heart, even though her grandmother doesn't actually have a heart. That's okay, Spencer's heart will beat twice as hard for both of them, like as if her Grandmother was a fetus who didn't want to get aborted. That might get awkward one day, but it's cool for now.

Carly: "Liar, she's got a picture of Ashley's boob in there."
Riese: "Just as the hippie intended."
'til next week, bitches.
Don't forget -- read about 8against 8 here, and donate here.
You could win a copy of The L Word Season Five!
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17 comments:

  1. burningsteady said...

    If only we all had a spare boob to wear around our neck?  

  2. Allie said...

    This warms my heart. I love this horrible show, and your recaps make it all the better!  

  3. Anonymous said...

    I can't wait either! Sometimes I read your Season 3 Episode 1 recap just to have a good laugh.
    Also, the last SON (on Fri) I think I spotted a tongue when they kissed...I know!  

  4. carlytron said...

    was I really so drunk that I didn't realize that "John" (is that her name? I had no idea!) brought beer to the 18-year-old's picnic? No idea at all!

    This was amazing, obvs, totes.  

  5. cookies said...

    This really did cheer me up.
    Well, I wasn't upset but it is Monday and all. And surprise surprise, it's raining in London. Damn British weather.
    Anyway this made me giggle a lot.
    Especially the bit when you said "it's like totally totes."

    OMG you're right, Jake IS Hiro because how else would he have gotten from the car with that skank in time to save Kyla from the photographer/rapist?

    Why did they give Grandma Palin hair? I think there must be door shortages in LA or something because Ashley and Spencer both have beads for doors. Maybe they can't afford doors in this economic crisis. Which is why you should vote for Obama! (Yes I loved your SUBTLE hints at voting.)

    Okay that's all I can think of to say for now. Have a good four days til Friday!  

  6. Anonymous said...

    Utterly HILARIOUS!! I only saw the first ep and missed this one, but have seen all of the rest of the season in French and something tells me I’m gonna like this version better than the original. :) Thank so much for recappin ya’ll. And I totally thought the mic was a freakin bead too before ya’ll mentioned anything lol.  

  7. laurrrrita said...

    fantasticccc.

    also, why was "tomorrow" spelled wrong on his apron? is that joke that i just don't get?  

  8. Anonymous said...

    Great recap, as always. I love your Spencer love! I can't believe you think Jonica [which is 'John's' actual name, Lily just called her that for short] is hot though!

    Love the drinking game and your Clay Memorial arts. Much better than Chelsea's!  

  9. Teclo said...

    "I'd add "Jake says something douchey" to the drinking game, but I don't want to give him any more attention than he already gives himself."

    Also, you might've gotten alcohol poisoning.  

  10. hachiemachie said...

    Clay's head on the Lincoln memorial not only made me L my A off, but totes wins the whole of the internets.  

  11. Vashti said...

    Usually I'd be really upset that I can't find the episode anywhere online but you know what? I think your recap worked just fine.  

  12. Anonymous said...

    thank you, thank you, thank you!! i think ur SON recaps r better than ur L word recaps. just saying... also,i love you.  

  13. Regenbogen said...

    Some lines (among many, or maybe all) that just killed me:

    1)Ashley, dressed like a girl who turns tricks in a suburban mall...
    2)I think he used to tour with Kit Porter..
    3)Glen and Chelsea are pallin' around in Chelsea's art studio..

    This recap is my favourite thing!  

  14. MLE said...

    Hilarious, as always! I think I look forward to reading your recaps way more than I should.
    I love the drinking game. If I knew anyone else within a 10 mile radius that watches (or would admit to watching) SoN, I would totally do it. Sadly, I don't and playing a drinking game alone on a Friday night while watching The N is, well, kinda sad.
    Also, I agree: there's nothing wrong with a little James Taylor. The apron? That's a different story.  

  15. ceoimarketing said...

    now im my rotation: girl you know its true, ooo ooo ooo i'm on glue and i think he toured w/ kit porter


    god i miss these recaps  

  16. Bridget said...

    now im my rotation: girl you know its true, ooo ooo ooo i'm on glue and i think he toured w/ kit porter


    god i miss these recaps  

  17. Slicey said...

    OMG, OMG! How did I not know you did SoN recaps??? Bad Slicey!!

    Ooooh, this is going to make watching the show soooooooo much more enjoyable!

    P.S. are there any GOOD lesbian tv series you recap??


    j/k


    sorta.  

About This Blog

Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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