Hi guys! Welcome to South of Nowhere's last hurrah! Apparently this show got canceled (perhaps Hot Topic went under and they lost their sponsorship deal, though I hope for Ashley's sake she got to keep all those studded wristcuffs) but The N managed to squeeze its last eight episodes into their jam packed schedule of Moesha re-runs. Why do Carly and I watch this show? Because we will watch anything with pretty lesbians in it. Oh! Speaking of lesbians --

I'm a part of 8 Against 8 - 8 Lesbain Bloggers Against Proposition 8, which is going to pass unless we do something about it. Prop 8 would ban gay marriage in California. Read more about it at Autowin and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate to the cause.

If you haven't been reading my L Word recaps or Autowin, lemme update you on what's happened to us since last season: Carly and I have transformed from Team Rebound/Hot Mess into Team Almost Has it Together (I'm referring mostly to Carly here). I cut my hair like a lesbo, but now it's grown out again. Carly cut her hair too, now she looks even more like a lesbo than she did last year. This brings me to my next topic which is the show South of Nowhere.

Ashley and Spencer did NOT cut their hair, they're both still sporting lovely long hair, I'd like to bathe in it.

If you missed Episode 9, Career Day-- which I'm not gonna recap, 'cause I ain't got no money and I aint' got no time -- here's a quick rundown of what happened: Ashley & Spencer were sitting in a silk bed, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kyla's a bad singer so Jake replaced her track with fake vocals, Jake fired Glen 'cause Glen's a fuckup and Jake's a douche, Spencer met a documentary filmmaker at Career Day -- a storyline which undoubtedly will make Carly & I claw our eyes out, since we do that stuff in REAL LIFE and therefore cannot handle the fake jargon -- Spencer met said filmmaker for coffee at Planet-tastic, and Aiden is still dating that girl who I now realize is Nikki Stevens from The L Word, I can't believe I didn't catch it before!
It's Spencer's b-day and Ashley, dressed like a girl who turns tricks in a suburban mall, brings Spencer breakfast in bed & 18 flowers to show her how much she la-la-la-loves her. They're so cute and soft together. Spencer's shocked that Ashley cooked but Ash says Dad helped her make the waffles, which's upsetting 'cause it's probs an Eggo and all you need to do to make Eggos is insert an object into a little slit ... I think Ashley should've stayed in school.

Ash points out that Spencer can do all kinds of fun things now that she's 18. Spencer, cutely/eagerly offers: "I can vote!" Ash says that's the most boring thing she could've picked. Voting for Barack Obama to change our world and bring us into a bright new tomorrow obvs cannot hold a candle to smoking a cigarette or joining the army.

Then Hey Paula busts up this morning lovefest with Spencer's voter registration form and a pack of American Spirits, which're all natural and therefore better for you. Grandmama's visiting today, says Hey Paula! Spencer squeals like a little girl, her cheecks glow w/spirited radiance, and her outer beauty reflects her sparkling inner beauty.
Has this always been in the opening credits? We usually fast-forward. They should change it every week, like The Simpsons. Next week: "That's not what you said last night."
Ash: "Your grandma knows you're gay, right?" Spencer: "Don't you wish people just knew without having to tell them?" Oh, Spencer. Welcome to the rest of your life as a gay lady sporting long hair and mini-skirts. No-one will ever know.

I want every grandmother on every show ever to be played by Bunny, Trey's mother from Sex and the City. I'm gonna be very disappointed if that doesn't happen.

Ash lends Spence her video camera. I'm hoping this'll lead in to Spencer discovering Jake's home-porn stash rather than Spencer suddenly becoming a filmmaker and learning Final Cut in an hour.

DRINK!: Kyla's drug reference - "I'm sick, I have chills."

Spencer picks up G'ma from the airport in the hot ride she's borrowing from her very special friend. G'ma asks if it's her boyfriend's car -- Carly says it's like that only "without a penis." G'ma sat next to a "hippie-type" on the plane who makes jewelery and consequently G'ma bought Spencer a necklace. We're prepared for G'ma to pull out a hemp rope with native beads and a rainbow pendant, but no dice.

What kind of hippie makes cheap gold lockets? Maybe she said "yuppie" and Grandmama didn't have the hearing aid in. I think G'ma got scammed, there's no shaman or moon goddess offering protection via that hideous thing.

G'ma's fine that Spencer doesn't have a boyf, 'cause Spencer's gotta concentrate on school. Just wait 'til Grandma finds out that Spencer's actually got a girlfriend, said girlfriend is a high school dropout and said girlfriend is the daughter of rock 'n roll legend Ray Davies. I think he used to tour with Kit Porter.
Glen and Chelsea are pallin' around in Chelsea's art studio. I'm surprised Chelsea can stand up straight, there's all these beads around her neck weighing her down. There's a lot of beads on this show, you could anally bead Big Gay Al from his bellybutton to his butthole about twenty times before the episode is over. I actually honestly have no fucking idea what anal beads do. I just think it's funny that they exist. Anyone?

Anyhow, Chelsea's made a charcoal painting about her first lesbian experience and Glen predictably thinks it ROCKS!!!!
Oh wait, JK, it's a rough sketch of the memorial for The Clay Memorial Contest, a big shebang a là Nobel Peace Prize. OK! Who's gonna win? Everybody now: the black girl obvs! It was much easier to use this joke when we had an actual black girl in our viewing team. Now it's just me and Carly, Jewy McLesbostiens, we should really reign it in.

Wanna see my sketches for the contest? I was trying to think of famous hompohobes, since as you know they killed Clay on account of the actor who played his role not approving of the beautiful union that is Spashley. I couldn't think of any dead famous homophobes, so I just took a gamble with dead famous white guys, and let my pen run away with me:
Hey hey the gang's all here! Let's get your suitcases inside, G'mama, it looks like you went wild at Talbots for the big vay-cay. Did you know Spencer can vote now? I bet she's gonna vote no on 8. Dear Dad goes for the makeout and Grandma gives him the fakeout. Despite the fact that Spencer's now legally allowed to have a cigarette smoking or hookah bar party, she's hosting a BBQ in the backyard with her family for the big 1-8. My apologies to GLSEN .... but that's so gay.
DRINK!: Reference to Glen being a fuck up: "They expect me to be late, okay, I try not to exceed expectations."
DRINK!: Reference to the dead guy: "It's my brother's memory we're talking about here. I wouldn't want some stranger messing that up."

I forget what happened in this scene and don't feel like watching it again. These are my notes: Glen says she makes a cute face when she's doing her art. That's foreshadowing, they're gonna do it. Don't forget to use protection, kids.
Paula's setting up Spencer's room for G'ma and insits it's okay for Spencer to sleep in Clay's room. G'ma doesn't want Spencer sleeping in a bed a black guy used to sleep in, let alone a bed a dead black guy used to sleep in. Then, G'ma -- who's already actively poking around the room looking for clues that Spencer is sniffing computer duster -- notes that Clay was a sweet boy, almost like a grandson. That's our clue that she's both a racist and a gay-hater. These things come in pairs.

G'ma asks "who's this girl in all the photos," e.g., the photo from Pride. Where was it taken, she asks? Hey Paula cuts off Spencer's big spill with:"A picnic, in West Hollywood." Mmm-hmm. You know, a picnic. It's like a clambake, kinda.

Carly predicts that G'ma's gonna find a dildo under the bed.
Hey Paula tells Spencer to keep the scissoring stuff on the DL, but Spencer protests. Again -- I'm confused.

Is this what it's like to be young and gay these days? It's never occurred to me to come out to my grandparents. Hello, I've chosen to come out to the rest of my family secretly, via facebook. G'ma's dressed up like she's about to do a Gap campaign and notes that she's gotten "hip" in her old age. Yeah, we'll see how "hip" she is when Spencer drops the Gay Bomb.

G'ma notices a hot young man at the grill in the backyard. I'm confused thinking she's talking about Glen. She's not -- it's Aiden, the Grillmaster, Dear Dad's new BFF. Ash & Mom are BFF's now (Ashley said so in Scene One), so Dad has to get a new BFF too. G'ma yells "flip me a burger!" at Aiden. Apparently G'ma approves of statuatory rape but draws the line at sodomy. Boo.
Aiden's apron, for those of you who cannot read, says: "Relish today, ketchup tomorrow." Spencer strolls over in her lovely summer sunddress, looking as fresh and vibrant as a cool ray of sunshine spilling light onto an afternoon picnic. Spence warns Aiden that if he keeps hanging out with Dear Dad, he'll start "listening to James Taylor, watching Iron Chef, and making corny jokes." James Taylor and Iron Chef are awesome, so I don't see the problem there. Also look at the apron, it's a lost cause w/r/t corny jokes.

Aiden heard that Spencer and Ashley are back "on," which's "good". "That's how it's supposed to be," he says. That's right -- as a lesbian, Aiden is aware that women look best with other women. Although srsly Aiden; tell that to Jenny Schecter, 'cause you're fucking her girlfriend Nikki Stevens!!

Oh! The big city! The sights and sounds of Times Square, as represented by a salsa-band track I think they got from iMovie. Ethan's so happy to see the girls, right at home in the Bluth's living room, a room which's supposed to be a "place to hang" according to Top Hipster Jake. Jake's already got the sound equipment checked, 'cause he has secret powers that enabled him to stop time and go to the studio, like Hiro.


Ethan asks the girls if they are ready to rock. Before Ashley and Kyla have time to think about whether or not they are in fact ready to rock and then confirm or deny said readiness to rock to Ethan, Jake interrupts to assert that "they sure are" ready to rock.

I'd add "Jake says something douchey" to the drinking game, but I don't want to give him any more attention than he already gives himself.

DRINK! = Kyla drug reference -- Ashley asks, "when you combine mood enhancers with vodka five out of the seven days of the week, how do you think you're gonna feel?"

"Mood enhancers"? Really? People say that? Jake says vodka & mood enhancers are what the music business is all about. Yeah, you can ask Milli Vanilli all about that. Actually, you can't, 'cause ROB'S DEAD. Ashley says she knows that the music isn't Kyla's thing and that she's just doing it for her. Kyla's about to confess that she's not even doing it it all -- but Jake interrupts, thus foiling everything omg.
This is a really weird contest, I don't remember ever entering anything in my whole life where I gave out my cell phone number. No one wanted my digits for the Lesbian Blog Contest or the Hot Blogger Calendar Contest or the 50-Yard Dash. Anyhow -- SURPRISE CHELSEA WON! The big lesbian fisting memorial will be up! Obvs I am sad about my designs losing, but as Carly said ...
Glen exclaims: "It's time to party!!!" Not sure which version of SON "partying" I feel greater affinity for. Seems the only options on this show are: 1. mixing vodka with mood enhancers 5 out of the 7 days of the week, videotaping exploits for internet, 2. flipping a cheeseburger in the backyard with your parents & your allegedly hip grandmother. Also I don't drink before sunset.
Let's get back to PARTY CENTRAL! Glen observes Dear Dad and Aiden being grillmasters and is like wtf, I'm the one who's always all up in someone's grill. Get it? Ha! Sorry I can't help it I'm the golden boy. You'll know what I mean later. Glen is rebuffed when he offers to both Relish and Ketchup today.

DRINK! = Dear Dad is wearing an apron and/or cooking.
I think the secret to Dad's grilled eggplant is the apron. Or sugar -- LOTS OF SUGAR.
The girl from MTV and her smokin' hot dykealicious ladyfriend have arrived with beers "for everyone who's legal" and soda "for the masses." C'mon, pussies. We're all "friends" here, who cares about legal ages, I'm sure Glen wants a beer to drown the sorrows of his lifetime of failures regardless of his legal age.

If I was going to someone's afternoon 18th birthday BBQ, I probs wouldn't sport a lesbionic t-shirt and bring beer, but I guess that's because I'm a real person and this is television. Also I'd never go to an afternoon BBQ, 'cause I don't eat cheeseburgers or drink before sunset. Hey Paula's not impressed to see Team Gay and Spencer's like, "You said I could invite friends!" The best part is that Lily says "Hey Paula."
Ashley's alone in the strange hotel, calling Spencer again to say: happy birthday, New York is so special and she just saw Zach Braff at the movies. Ethan enters and we predict that he's gonna try to kiss Ashley. And he does -- bt not before Ashley says how hot it is that they got this hot gig, 'cause TLR is the hottest thing since TRL!


Then, as we predicted -- Ethan, hoping for another "dynamic duo," tries to lay a smoocher on Ashley's perfect lips 'cause she's "the one who got away." She gets away this time too, 'cause she loves Spencer. He shrugs. No biggie. Still the one who got away, just like before. Doo doo doo. Look at that, plot point introduced and then squelched with barely a moment wasted. Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted five out of seven days of the week, doo doo doo ...
Well, someone's ready to rock and roll!!! Glen's a little jellie. Chelsea's still wearing maternity clothes. Chelsea asks Glen why he doesn't just join in -- well, Glen is too cool for school and also too cool for father-son time. He just doesn't look good in an apron like Aiden the lesbian.
That's unfortunate, 'cause he's not very funny and actually Clay was not so much golden as ebony, but anyhow.

DRINK!: Reference to Glen being a fuck-up and DRINK! for dead guy reference.

Hot Gay Girl's never made a s'more before 'cause she's from Brooklyn. They don't exactly "s'more it up" in Brooklyn, she says. They're too busy listening to indie rock bands, hemming their skinny jeans and fighting crime in Bed-Sty, obvs. Also, she's wrong, hello, Cosi. Also, The Chocolate Room.

The girl's name is John, which is probs 'cause there's no gender in the crazy world of West Hollywood lesbians. John was a girl scout, but surprise surprise, she was busy getting "s'more" of something else "if you know what I mean" and therefore wasn't eating fireside snacks. I think John is referring to lanyards and/or nature hikes, or possibly to wiping marshmallow off Spencer's little lips.

Just FYI, she didn't have any marshmallow on her lip, she just wanted to touch Spencer's skin. Don't we all. I hope this girl is a reoccurring character.

Ever noticed that Chelsea's reaction to lesbian action of any kind is to bug out her eyes?
A HA! That's what Hey Paula was talking about when she said exciting things were in store for Spencer at age 18. Now Spencer gets to choose her friends!

For my 18th birthday I spent all the money I'd saved up the summer before college to get a hotel suite in Manhattan and throw a formal cocktail party for all my friends. We even had a bartender. I feel like if I'd had a barbecue with my Mom and kept that cash in the savings account, my whole life may have turned out a little bit better.
Grandma says she doesn't judge. She then proceeds to give a speech that's 50% Sarah Palin and 50% Mrs. Fairbanks.

Then G'ma says something totally crazytown about how these sophisticated non-homosexual choices separate the men from beasts or rats from snakes or something. Hey Paula decides to take the initiative and come out for Spencer. This means that now she loves Spencer for who she is.

Then G'ma is really upset and lays it into Hey Paula. For example, Grandmama doesn't like that Hey Paula married Dear Dad. I don't understand this, because my number one hero Sarah Palin says that if you're a teenager who gets preggers, you should get married asap. That's what Paula did, so what's the problem?

Paula says now that "mistake" she birthed out of wedlock is "outside helping his father clean up after his sister's birthday party." Oh NOW Glen is the golden child. I thought he was the comic relief, he should be throwing tomatoes at his own face wokka wokka.

Then Hey Paula continues that she doens't think any of these things she did with her life were a mistake, and her children are beautiful. Obvs Spencer is a looker, but I still feel like Paula's delusional about Glen. Why isn't Grandmama mad at Glen? He's the real fuck up. C'mon people, let's get our character types straight here.

Then we have a moment where Hey Paula says she won't do to Spencer what her Mom did to her. She won't make Spencer feel ashamed and scared, like a rotten low down dirty drunken trashwhore, just for living her dreams. In so many words. Ah-ha! So that's why Hey Paula was an asshole to Spencer. Now we've gotten that straightened up. yay for evolution! I mean dinosaurs, sorry Lordess Sarah Palin.

No seriously though ... it's actually kinda touching. Well done, bravo South of Nowhere. I bet it was Maeve's idea, when we met her she seemed really upset that people thought she was homophobic too, just 'cause Paula was homophobic.

The grandmothers who preach about this crap on teevee shows always talk with their lips pinched up like they've got toilet plungers stuck up their assholes. Probs 'cause their gay husbands left it there during last week's game of pin the tail on the geriatric donkey. Hey-o!
Back to Tango city! The Big Apple! Home of lights and signs and the busy busyhood of ANOTHER BEADED CURTAIN. Srsly, I am going to have to start counting beads. This is fucking out of control, for a second I thought that microphone in that screen shot was a bead and I would not have been surprised if it was. Here they are at the Community Access Television Station, ready to broadcast live. It's gonna be like Wayne's World I think. Carly's upset 'cause she says no one would ever broadcast live from The Living Room.
I dunno, I kinda preferred "TRL" to "TLR." I think we should get to request first, you know?

Luckily, not everyone loses. Seriously. These girls win with those outfits.

Content: Ashley's music career is ruined forevs and evs but she needs to crash before Spencer can come over and go down on her. Once again, we skip the flight. If I was Ashley stuck trans-continental with a bitch who'd just pulled a Milli Vanilli on me, I'd have stuffed my Chicken a La King in her eyeballs around Indiana.
Future Prognosis: Looking good for a little late afternoon delight. Howevs, we know that whenever Ashley has a problem, she likes to get super moody and somehow ends up taking it out on spencer.


G'Ma: "I never loved your grandfather. He was a good man, but i never loved him. Yet, I stayed married to him 'til the day he passed away."
Spencer: "Why?"
G'Ma: "Because it was the right thing to do."
Spencer: "But doesn't your heart tell you what's right?" (no! Jesus does!)
G'Ma: "If it were only that simple."
Spencer: "Maybe it is."