So, how about them Giants/Patriots? There's nothing that gets me going quite like a bunch of men in shoulderpads rolling around on the grass trying to beat each other up, kicking/throwing balls in the air/through goalposts and stopping every 1-2 minutes to stand around planning how they're gonna bend over on all fours the next time around. Ho-hum. Oh! Yes there is! LESBIAN DANCE PARTIES!
In honor of the Lez Girls Dance Party, in this photo we're dong Alex's signature dance move,
the side punch. Alex's number one feeling is Dancing.
We're not wearing sunglasses 'cause we didn't just get our pupils dilated and we're not snobs.
Haiku for Ilene Chaiken:
FYI, I want
Sarah Polley to play me
in my first movie.
I have a lot of feelings about this scene, including but not limited to: If Cammie-as-Shaun wanted to make sweet love to me this afternoon, I'd put aside the recap, why's Elise talking like that?, do they not trust anyone to fake a British accent?, Nina looks like Susan Powter, Is that Bella's girlfriend?, Bev is white? Her sister is still black?, did "Kat" really just do that I feel uncomfortable now, Jenny's really going out on a limb with the soccer-tennis switch-up -- I hope Donna doesn't find a lump in her breast, that guy's way more Gomey than Tim, Nikki's lines are mildly retarded is she on drugs, cleavage seriously all around, why is Jenny dressed like a cherry pie with a peter pan collar?
Haviland: Hi, I'm Peter Pan.
Riese: And this is my assistant, Tinkerbell.
KATTISM: "I'm playin' Kat," (snaps fingers) "And y'all just better WATCH OUT!"
Alex: I thought it was Lezzzz Girls
Riese: Now it's Lay - Girls. It's French.
Cait: They always pronounce it differently.
Riese: It's a French film.
Really Papi Really Award to Tasha (you can see Rose Rollins is hurting from having to force this totally unnatural line):
"It's one thing to keep your business to yourself, but it's another thing to go spread lies and hatred ... he'll get his some day ... wish I could smack the shit out of that guy and out his hypocritical ass, but that ain't gonna happen."
Alex: Is anyone turned on?
Riese: She had me at "muffins."
Zoey: "Ladyfingers" is where I went in.
Riese: "Pie," actually, is where I got snagged.
Alex: She had me at "pie."
Riese: She's already done like three things today!
Zoey: She hasn't gone to the gym yet.
Riese: That's right, she still needs to go to the gym.
The Players: Shane and Lover Cindi
The Pick Up: "Do you like what you see?"
Hot or Not: OK first let me say what happens, which's that Shane's like "no drama, call your girl," and Cindi's like "whatchu sayin', there's somethin' wrong with me and my naked hot body?" and Shane's like "you made the rules, bitch, I just don't want no drama in my life no more!" and Cindi's like "Aw, but don'tchu wanna fuck this?" and Shane's like "fuck," and then they're like bedow bbowwwwww. It actually is kinda hot. Insatiable libidos belonging to sexy girls like Shane are just hot, they just are, that's just how it is. Hot.
you know you love me!
xoxo gossip girl
Really, the Jenny Moment is dedicated to the way that Jenny eats her cake in this scene. It's absolutely everything you could ever want out of Jenny Schecter.
Also, following it up with: "Max, I don't need to know this shit before festivities begin" is the icing on the cake of this Jenny Moment.
Kelly Taylor and her psycho-stalker Tara Marks,
From Season Six of Beverly Hills 90210
Riese: This show is ridiculous, is what's happening. I mean, I guess she doesn't know anything about basketball, so maybe she didn't know it'd break ...
Zoey: She doesn't know anything about the internet, either?
Riese: Well, she works at OurChart.
What a Feelin'!
Just Don't Let Bella Talk to "The Advocate" ...
Shane: Congratulations. [You're about to fuck a lot of chicks!]
Shaun: [Totally out of nowhere] I'm not gay.
Shane: [Yeah you are] Oh-kay.
Shaun: [Trying too hard] I have a boyfriend ... so ...
Shane: [Not buying it at all.] Good for you ..
Shaun: [Really pushing it] I just play gay ...
Shane: [Right ...] Right ...
Shaun: [Really Papi?] Gay for pay ...
Shane: [cute as fuck] Hahaha ... that's cute.
Bette: "I knew that you were in the movie, I just didn't realise you'd be playing Jenny's warped interpretation of me."
Lesbian Squabble #11: Fine Tell Them Who You Think You Are
In the Ring: Bette vs. Bella/"Bev"
Content: All the girls chomp on cucumber slices and Bella asks Bette questions that no one would ever actually ask another person in real life (LIKE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN #5). Which's fine, because it enables the best line of the episode, which's Bette (below, but first ...)
Who Wins?: I Think Bette, though her anger's kinda transparent, she does get a good solid jab in there.
Bella: "I can see that you are an incredibly passionate and accomplished woman, you've worked hard to get where you are, you're bold and uncompromising in your vision and your approach to life, you've got a great marriage to a kind and generous partner -- but something's wrong. Why? What is it in Bev that seeks to sabotage everything she's built? Why does she cheat with the plumber?"
Bette: [To Tina] "Does she seriously think that Jenny's idiotic drivel is reflective of me and my life ... at all?" [To Bella]: "I can't answer your fucking "whys" and you know why? Because it's not me. It's not me, and apart form everything else I am frankly fucking flabbergasted, I am FLABBERGASTED that she cast such a -- WHITE actress. She's WHITE. Okay, was Mary Fucking Poppins not available? I mean really, what the fuck can she possibly know about my life? What can she know?" [Bette storms off]
Bella: "Is she black?" [I admit actually I thought the same thing when I first saw this show ... ]
(Also, Bette's getting a little repetitive here in the latter seasons of her run, but oh well)
Lesbian Squabble #11 Ctd. Then Bette fights with Jodi, which's essentially a continuation of that fight she just had, since it's not really Jodi she's mad at, it's herself, and Bella, and maybe Tina, or the plumber/carpenter, or the world, or her heart, which I personally refuse to write off as cold and reckless, because it happens, you know, we've all been there or seen it, that being torn between two people thing, when losing one feels like losing everything even though it's only losing half of everything technically, still, it's somehow everything, and I think this is the way that we often live. I still like Bette, I just think she's kinda being unfair to everyone right now and should probs break up with Jodi.
Content: Jodi's talking to another human, so Bette gets pissed at her 'cause she's actually just upset about her life in general, which's reasonable considering how it'd feel to have a movie made of all your fuckups and Bella's inappropriate behavior, but also, it's not fair to Jodi necessarily. Jodi came here to dance and she hasn't danced yet. You can't hold her down, 'cause the Deaf Can Dance, oh yes they can. Bette's like, well, I'm leaving anyhow, 'cause I've created a lot of drama and would rather not hang out in its aftermath.
Who Wins?: Jodi.
And so it is ... just like you said it would be ...
I 'm taken I am yours, I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken I am yours, I'm up and doing circles
I'm taken I am yours, I'm up and doing circles
Tina: "What happened the other night --" (I totally said this part with her, as it was mega-predictable) "-- it was a mistake. It just shouldn't have happened"
Bette: "We just got caught up in a moment."
Tina: "It's just not gonna happen again."
Bette asks if she's sorry that it happened. Tina says she is. Tina asks if Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette says she is, but she's lying. These two. They need to get their shit together.
Also when Tina walks off, she looks like she's limping or something, she's like the Hunchback of West Hollywood.
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #4: MY NUMBER ONE FEELING IS DANCING!!
Leisha does this fantastic head-twist hair twirl full-body dance move, and Shane's behind her like the sexiest kind of scarecrow-dancer, and then a stoned Tina joins them. Jenny and Nikki are tossing each other around, Jodi's finally getting what she came for (she came to get FuNKY!) (also, I'd like to make a cheap joke about deaf people not being able to hear music and therefore not able to dance, but hello Beethoven, obvs they can feel the vibrations and the sexual healing too I bet, holla) and something else is that it's like Laurel & Kate & Leisha & Mia are dancin', 'cause if you're obsessed like me, you know that these girls are besties and love each other, and so the impression that their having a blast is resonant, is complete, is ... (thank you Angela Robinson) ... real. Alice is the cutest dancer ever.
Then Dawn Denvo busts in. She announces: "I'm fuckin' Dawn Denvo, and this is my lover Cindi." The girls respond in the only way anyone could really respond to that kind of nonsense: laughing like hooligans. Stoned, shiny, happy hooligans.
Best Lesbian Squabble EVER - #12/AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #5: This Was SOOO NOT in Papi's Rules of Poke-Her
In the Ring: Fuckin' Dawn Denbo vs. Shane and all her fuckin' smug ass motherfuckin' friends.
Content: Somehow -- I seriously am baffled as to how -- Dawn knows that Cindi and Shane had a little afternoon romp in her palace. Shane, stoned and adorably confused, manages a "I thought you said it was okay--" to Cindi, who keeps shrugging, which helps to keep her head from floating away due to its large capacity for hot air. "You're messing with the wrong bitch, bitch," Dawn emotes -- and Alice, Shane and Tina just crack up, 'cause Dawn's being ridic and they're stoned. Dawn needs a brownie, STAT. Anyhow, she says she's gonna ruin "every one of your fuckin' smug ass motherfuckin' friends and your stupid ass fucking Planet." Also, she's gonna take Jenny down too even though she doesn't know who she is. She finishes her little Crazytown rampage with: "It's on, it's motherfucking ON!" And they're like "OMGG" and Cindi's like "sorzz..." and they leave and Shane's like "those are the chicks that own the Planet," and everyone's like ha-ha-ha.
Who Wins?: Shane, obvs, 'cause Dawn's crazy.
Also, I'd like to see Dawn get a billboard and make some fliers before I take this bitch seriously. I mean, c'mon, you think Shane's indimidated by your pussy shit? When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.
Cait: That would never happen.
Riese & Haviland: YEAH IT WOULD.
"Then you remember that you have this man named Jim. Who likes to swim."
The Pick-Up: Following a very convincing workshop of the Jessie-Karina scene, Jenny directs Nikki --
Jenny: "And now you have to go."
Nikki: "Or ... Jessie stays."
Jenny: "Nikki stays."
Hot Or Not?: Um ... HOT. Even if you hate Jenny, you have to admit it's kinda hot.
They relocate to Jenny's closet 'cause the door to the bedroom won't lock ... and finally, Jenny lets her guard down. She's not a pretentious fuck anymore, she's just a pretty girl with soft hair and ample breasts making out with another pretty girl with soft hair and ample breasts.
Jenny: "The irony hasn't escaped me."
Jenny and Nikki's sex is giggly and delicious. Isn't this probably her ultimate sexual fantasy? To be doing it with someone who not only loves her work but has begged her for the chance to recreate it, live, on screen?
In the Ring: Tasha and Alice
Content: Tasha's like "Wtf, Alice?" She says Alice doesn't know about this man's life or what he's going through and it wasn't her place to out him. Alice says Tasha's being a hypocrite 'cause she told Alice not to let Tasha's situation to affect her life and the second she does something she wants to do, Tasha freaks. Um Oh-Kayyy Alice, there's a lot of things you want to do, like ignore Max and talk about sex in sign language, I'm sure, but this is an EXTREME. Now everyone in the courtroom at Tasha's trial is gonna know who Alice is and question her motivations and honesty. It's one thing to live her life -- to go out to lesbian parties and all that -- but it's another thing to go on national television outing a celebrity from a party you signed a privacy pledge to enter (which subsequently gives everyone else permission to break theirs and talk about Tasha). Howevs, when Tasha says that it's the same thing as if someone was outing her, that's not true, 'cause Tasha didn't go on teevee to bash a gay coworker. Alice says she's not going to live in a closet because Tasha made that choice and she didn't sign up for that. Actually she did, by dating someone in the military, they should probs break up, except I don't want Tasha to leave the show, 'cause she's super hot. Tasha says they don't see eye to eye, so that's that.
Who Wins?: I gotta say probs Tasha. I think Alice made a bad move. I understand that she's not in agreement with Tasha's decision -- but if that's the case, she shouldn't be in this relationship right now. Like I wouldn't date a cop, 'cause I like to break laws.
This is Adele, cleaning up after the party. She spies Jenny and Nikki, still gettin' it on:
OK prediction is that Adele's going to go all single white female/Tara Marks in 90210. And then she's gonna go get a makeover on her own time -- it'd be too easy for someone else to orchestrate it -- and show up at some big event (like say the movie premiere) in one of Jenny's dresses looking just like Jenny and then she's gonna be like "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd mind if I borrowed your dress, it just fit me so perfectly ..." Etc. And everyone's gonna be like "she looks great," and Max'll be like "that's creepy," and Jenny will freak out 'cause it's her dress and not 'cause Adele is trying to be her, which she'll probs just find flattering. Hopefully at some point someone will make out, naked, or whatever. Also seriously this is a prediction, I don't watch ahead 'cause I feel it affects my work as an ARTEEEST.
Lesbian Sexy Moments: TWO this episode, 14 total
Lesbian Squabbles: THREE this episode, 13 total
Quote of the Week: Bette
Really Papi Really Award: Tasha
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Let's Dance!