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What's up girls and girl allies? You're all looking great tonight, really tops, nice caftan. So, did you catch Episode 501 "LGB Tease" last night on OurChart? I didn't (more on this in a minute) But! I watched it just now, and I can't believe that Jenny becomes a porn star and marries a mobster's wife! I mean, seriously, when are these girls gonna put their clothes back on and start talking about their feelings? Geez.

Speak Slow Tell Me Low
This is Bette and Jodi playing the "let's get disabled" game. JK, actually; Jodi turns out to be an undercover cop who's been investigating Bette for petty larceny fraud possession [this's why all of Jodi's art sucked, she's not a real artist, duh!] and this is the arrest scene. Then, Bette goes to jail and becomes roomies w/Helena, Bette & Helena become BFFs ("Belena," if you will), and then Alice and Shane and Tina come to jail visiting hours and everyone gets naked and they all have hot lesbian sex for hours and hours, best premiere EVER!

You Need Love, and I'm Gonna Show You How
I could probs just watch Alice play with her shirtsleeves in those little glasses forevs and evs and be totally satisfied. I mean, seriously, this episode is 500 times better than the premiere of Season Four. Maybe that's just 'cause I'm sober and my friends aren't here to remind me that the show is Suck.

So, because my "friend" Carly scheduled our friendly holiday dinner during the OurChart streaming of Episode One, I was unable to view "LGB Tease" with the rest of y'all (I would've liked to sit in on the meeting where they picked that gem of a title. Seriously, I'd prefer "Leper" or "Loehmanns" or, as I've suggested before, "Lexapro," which's what Jenny oughta start taking ASAP). Honestly, I can't believe it actually happened, I thought fo'sho OurChart was gonna explode, obvs Max is really on top of it this year -- which's promising for both the future of the lesbian interwebs and for the future of Max's complicated genitals. Anyhow, guess what I'm watching right now? No really, guess. The L Word Episode One: "LGB Tease"! Thank you, DHL delivery man, for bringing this parcel of joy to me! If he'd looked anything like the UPS girl that brought Shane flowers in Season Two, I would've jumped his bones, unfortunately, he looked like most DHL guys: not hot. I just had to turn off the sound because, in a daring move that really shows Ilene is listening to her audience this year, "The Way That We Live" remains the opening theme song.

I'm not sure when I'm allowed to actually recap the show. I probs should wait til after January 6th, I guess, and also, I think Haviland and Carly would freak if I put up a recap without their insight and cute faces in it. Also I'm less funny & cute alone. Right now it's just me and my stuffed dog Ryan watching Episode One, and Ryan's about as social as Dana Fairbanks. She's dead, p.s.

So ... this is your Pre-Recap-Recap. Just a few brief observations:

No, I Told You. I'm a 34B. I Don't Need a Specialist.
This screenshot is what I like to call "LGB Terrific," as it features not only the lovely Helena, half naked and cupping her own breast, but also those sweet little words of promise: "directed by Angela Robinson."

Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: You're Looking Very Busted Today
The Players: Shane and The Real Estate Agent Girl
The Pick-Up: Not sure -- it occurred following Agent Girl's run-down of all the friends she's got who've already slept with Shane and how they all still want her, which I guess was code for: "Promiscuous girl, you're teasing me, you've got what I want and I got what you need" or whatevs. She name-dropped Lacey and Lisa (Title-makers: write that down). Remember Lacey? She had a lot of feelings. Shane looked hot in that scene, with her hoodie? Aw, the way we were. Oh anyway, probs the pick up was "Look at this wall-to-wall carpeting. It's really comfy when you lie down naked on it with my breasts in your face and your hand on my ass, wanna see?"
Hot or Not?: I'm on Team Paige, so. No.
*You're Deaf. Not Blind.
Jodi: 1989 called and it wants it's crimper back. Jem and the Holograms are on Line Two.

I Know What You Did Last Season
Doesn't this look like it should be a movie poster for some low budget horror movie? Like Alice is all like "OMG, I'm the sweet nerdy girl and someone's stalking me on my computer! Black girl in leather jacket, save me!" and then Tasha's all like "I am Trinity, I will protect you with my solemn gaze of night." You know?

Papi may have left the show, but luckily she left her earrings behind. It's a nice compliment to Jenny's overall look, which is sort of "raiding L'Elements of Style": a Bette shirt, some Shane pants, a Peggy Peabody scarf.
That's all for now. Stay tuned kiddos. I am honestly really excited about recapping -- and I've met so many awesome girls through The L Word Online and OurChart this year, I can't wait for next year, I'm sure there are all kinds of toys and cookies and churros in store.

Also, it's only seven short days until the L Word Premiere Party. We'll be wearing our "Really Papi Really" t-shirts and "Auto-Straddle" boyshorts ... maybe you should too? Even if you're gonna be at home, it's good to take care of yourself all the time, even home alone. They ship really fast, apparently, so I've heard, so you'll get 'em pre-party. Faster than Shane opens her legs. Or, I guess, your legs, if you're being seduced by Shane, she seems to be what the ladies call a "top." I don't believe in labels, I'm the new male.

In the meantime, we've apparently spent
far too much time
making L Word related videos
for you
so check them out,
Haviland takes her clothes off:

L Word Promo Teaser One
L Word Promo Trailer Two: The L Word is "LOL"
"Luck be a Lady" Phone Chain Parody
"Luck be a Lady" Parody Blooper Reel
Auto-Straddle Dramatic Readings from The L Word


  1. Haviland Stillwell said...


  2. a;ex said...

    Haven't seen the episode yet cause I'm saving myself for you... or Haviland... and/or Carly (while we're at it.)

    In the meantime, this was pretty satisfying!  

  3. stef said...

    ok so i just watched it and i have a lot of feelings about it. mostly though, i miss papi. i feel like i'm about to go on some pseudo-alice journey through spanish harlem in search of her... i will leave no churro cart unturned. like, we just made all these shirts, and now what? really, helena's cellmate? really, sounder?  

  4. carlytron said...

    Already more nakedness than all of season 4! High fives all around!

    Also: I scheduled our dinner like, waaaaay before OurChart ever scheduled its wacko premiere. So pssh.

    Finally, word ver: xycdcol (possibly an alternative for Jenny, if Lexapro doesn't work out ... it's not for everyone, it made me paranoid!)

    P.S. WTF Jodie's hair?  

  5. ShaneMo said...

    I laughed out loud at your mocking of Jodi's hair/clarificiation of which disability she has.

    Cute panties.  

  6. Anonymous said...

    You girls are SUPER sick, in a delicious sort of way - LOVED the Vlogs. Keep up the awesome work! Looking forward to more insightful blogging this season.  

  7. it's the jeans said...

    Hi. I'm Ilene Chaiken creator and executive producer of showtimes smash hit the l Word. Well done.  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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