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This is a recap of the finale of "South of Nowhere." Apparently we were so awestruck by the trenchcoat incident that we totally forgot to take photos. Yeah.

Back to basics, y'all: Just Team Awesome this week, a.k.a. Carly n' Riese. I had to re-use a vintage photo for this occasion, SEE ABOVE. Look at that photo. We were so much younger then. So innocent. So naive.

OK SO: thanks to the magic of Photoshop -- I know, I know, I'm a pro, really -- Carly and I took reaction shots INDIVIDUALLY, at home, with our own photobooths, and I have merged them together here, for you, to give you the overall impression of what it would've been like had we taken them while watching the program or directly afterwards. Which we forgot to do. I'm not really sure why, actually. Well, I was proud of myself for figuring out how to record us talking so I didn't have to take notes during the show, which was like, a huge advancement in technology, so maybe I just consequently failed in other areas.

: "Previously on South of Nowhere: this show sucked and not a whole lot happened."
Me: "Wouldn't it just be funny if it just like -- went to black? Like--previously on South of Nowhere--"
Carly: "Nothing."
This week in Life's Big Questions ... well, really, when is this show coming back on? Is the main one. 'Cause I don't understand this mid-season hooha. There can be no questions in a finale, only answers. I think the main question you'll ask yourself as you read this recap is "Did Riese proofread this thing yet?" and if this sentence is still here, the answer would be "no, she did not."

1. If you'd like to know the answer to "what is Glen's key for?" see the comments from last week's recap.
2. Also, if you're just now actually reading the comments from last week's recap, because sometimes if you get sent more than one at once, gmail confuses you out of reading them all, you would also ask: Bridget did you really go to my reading? And where were you? You should've said HI! I was the drunk girl, over in the corner near the bar with Stef and Steph and Steph's boyfriend Mark and this weirdo guy Menudo (in our minds, I forget his real name) was hitting on us (didn't care who specifically really) really loudly while people were trying to read. Oh wait. I read. So you probably know who I am. NM. (srsly, I am no less than COMPLETELY OBSESSED with comments, so I don't know how I missed that one. Dammit. Guess it was all that stress around the reading, which perhaps you went to?)
3. Could Spencer Be any cuter? NO!
4. Is there more to pride than just a parade? YES!
5. Where's Shane?
6. What the Frickin' Frack?

Put THAT on your Fucking Clipboard!
Spencer and her Mom are unloading groceries. This is one of many mundane tasks performed by characters without enough backstory to warrant genuinely interesting activities. But wait! Hark! What is that? Is that a flyer? Is that a flyer for THE PRIDE FESTIVAL?
Spencer: Come join the LGBT community for live music, awareness workshops, food from more than 50 area L.A restaurants, and a big parade of course!

Me: "And I'm gonna get LA-AID"
Carly: "And ... gay sex."
Me: "It's in West Hollywood? They should do a thing with "The L Word."

Spencer thinks Hey Paula should go with her to this Festival and Hey Paula's not too thrilled about this turn of events: she had big plans to save lives and make a living this weekend, and now Spencer wants her to run off to fairy-land and have butt-sex with leather daddies? Those homos.

We Are Family, All My Brothers, Sisters and Me! Except Hey Paula, my Mom!
Back at home, this groundbreaking conversation continues. Spencer says that Hey Paula's being homophobic and Hey Paula thinks everyone should pause to appreciate that she puts food on the table and makes a living to bring home the bacon and that everyone in the ER is at a conference this weekend.

Me: "Dad's gonna go to the parade."
Carly: "Totally. Why does the Mom need to go to the parade?"
Me: "So that they can have this like, conflict to drive the narrative forward."
Carly: "Yeah why doesn't Spencer just go by herself? Why would she want to bring her Mom along?"
Me: "I know, everyone's gonna think they're dating."

Paula thinks Spencer should thank her also for "tolerating" Spencer's homosexuality. Spencer doesn't want to be tolerated, she wants to be loved and accepted. Spencer never asks anything--anything, and now there's this one special thing she wants to share ... Bla bla bla. Bla bla. Bla. Blaaaa. Bla. Look:
Me: "Look at her tits!"
Carly: "This is the season of Spencer's tits, that's like all we've gotten from this show."

I am Cornholio, Give Me TP for my Bunghole.
So Kyla's freaking out because there's too many people on the guest list and the Fire Marshall is going to shut them down. P.S., how old is she, like, 12? I think their party might hit a few snags besides an "overcrowding" charge. For example, Jake promises Kyla he'll "get her something to mellow out" after the press conference. Whee! I hope she has a drug overdose and they both leave the show. Glen's on the phone with Clive Davis. Jake freaks out and takes over the phone call with this really douchey maneuver that makes me like Glen more just for putting up with it. Seriously, every time Jake is on screen, my blood literally starts boiling. I think Ashley feels the same way. Madison's not on the evite list. But it's supposed to be also a party for Madison. "Madison's not on the list?"

Me: "I hate him! Every moment that he talks is like, a moment I would rather be dead."
Carly: "That's extreme."
Me: "I mean it. Everything about this guy just annoys me."
Carly: "He's a Super-Creep."

(THANK YOU photoshop. It almost looks like we're in the same room, right? Yeah it does.)
Glen wants to know if Clive has any "hot rich daughters who'd wanna sugar mama" him. Glen, newsflash: that is a very small demographic. There are so many parts of that desire that just may not come true for you. Jake pulls Glen aside to tell Glen that he "doesn't mind if Kyla and Ashley wanna hire an old friend to work for them," but that right now, Glen is proving himself to be incompetent and getting on Jake's nerves. Christ. It's a really touching scene, die Jake die. Also: Jake. My Mom used to tell me: "Marie, I have one nerve left and you're on it." If my Mom was in that loft right now, she'd have a similar message for you.

Carly: "This blogger idiot just called Glen incompetent. That doesn't say much for Glen."
Me: "He's gonna kill someone."
Carly: "Maybe Glen's gonna become a murderer."
Me: "No, Jake the Blogger. He has "serial killer" written all over him."

Madison is an Alien
Glen is sent to invite Madison in person, because that's the kind of top-notch service he provides. Madison's skeptical: "If Ashley wanted me at the party, why doesn't she just pick up the phone and call me?" Madison and Ashley are Team OVER IT. Then she's like: besides, look at my outfit obvs, the black girl obvs, I clearly have duties back home at the Amish farm, I mean, my new job as a hotel maid. Then she gives Glen back his iPod. Apparently Madison borrowed the ipod for a cheerleading trip EIGHT MONTHS AGO and never returned it. Glen is like "Dude, I totally thought that was stolen!"

Okay, there are a lot of things about this "television world" that I accept with a strong dose of 'suspending my disbelief.' But seriously, that's his response to SOMEONE BORROWING HIS IPOD FOR EIGHT G-DFORSAKEN MONTHS?!!

Me: "Oh MY GOD I WOULD KILL HER! I would KILL HER! Wouldn't you be so pissed if someone just took your iPod for EIGHT MONTHS?"
Carly: "I SERIOUSLY don't understand how he would be so nonchalant about it. REALLY!!?"


And then: BAM!
So Aiden is getting life advice from Dear Dad. Aiden thinks he might need a straightjacket or therapy. I think everyone on this show could benefit from therapy, but then they wouldn't act like such retards all the time, and where's the fun in that? Dad says Aiden's going through "the fog of life." What can I really say about this scene besides: I was not sad when it was over. Howevs, apparently they had a gay moment.
Me: "That was such a gay moment!"
Carly: I know! A "gay-mo" if you will."
Dear Dad says that Aiden talking about his feelings is the first step towards putting his life back together and that he is being very brave. Bla bla blaaaaa bla bla. Bla.

Carly: "This show is not about lesbians dealing with their Moms. It's about men. And their feelings."
Me: "It's about men who are becoming lesbians! That's what this show is actually gonna be about, that's why they named this show "South of Nowhere!"
Carly: "It means like, mixed lesbians."
Me: "Because it's actually gonna turn out to be a show about men who are lesbians. Like that's actually what the show is about now, it's like a new boundary, somebody already had a trannie on TV."
Dear Dad: "Anyone hungry for some rigatoni?"
Carly: "That sounds GOOD."
1-310-Spashley: Multiply Life By the Power of Two
Content: Spencer had no idea that there was "more to pride than just a parade." And Ashley's like, yeah, there is a lesbian community in Los Angeles. I'm totes confused, where exactly did Spencer imagine all the gays to be, if not in Los Angeles? Anyhow.
Future Prognosis: Excellent. They make plans to go to Pride together, which is a primo locale to rekindle their love. But then Dear Dad says he'll go, and Ashley's not sure if she wants to go still, whatever ... I wonder if Spence's already thinking about her trenchcoat because I know we are!
Wow, recapping has made me into a 14-year-old boy. I said it once in The L Word recaps that recapping makes me feel like Beavis & Butthead.
Score: +10

I Just Happen To Like Apples, And I Am Not Afraid of Snakes
Spencer and her Dad are packing for the Teddy Bears Picnic. I mean, Pride. They are bringing pasta salad, fruit, fruit loops, cookies -- it's almost like they're improv-ing this scene, seriously, watch it ten times and you'll see what I mean. They're really going out on a limb with fruit loops. Hey Paula comes in and says she couldn't get a replacement for her shift. You never know, there could be a school shooting or a miscarriage any minute now. Spencer's annoyed.

Me: "They're gonna turn out to be homophobic and be throwing like--
Carly: "Oranges--"
Me: "--at the gay people."

What Do You, What Do You Need to Do to Get Yourself in a Better Mood
Hey Paula says to Dear Dad that "it's like we're back to square one." He says it doesn't have to be that way. You're right. Enough of this touchy-feely stuff, lets get naked!

Me: "If she couldn't get a replacement, she couldn't get a replacement!"
Carly: "Yeah, lets drop this plot line already."
Ashley calls Spencer to say she's going to the Pride Parade after all. Glen wants a burrito. Jake doesn't want Ashley to go to the parade so he has Ethan tell her they've got a press conference or something. But I think they actually do. I don't know. Also, coincidentally, I don't care.

I'm Not an Addict, It's Cool, I Feel Alive
Kyla can't wait 'til the press conference to split half a tab with Jake. Ashley, that little trickster, tells Glen to leave the Porsche in the alley and leave the keys in the car so that she can make her big escape to Fantasy-Land. She's got some PRIDE to attend to. Glen'll probs be in trouble. They tried to make me go to rehab I said no, no, no. La la la. Words words words. Ha ha.
Team Post-Trauma
Aiden runs into Chelsea, lookin' fiiinnne. She's like "what baby?" Totes over it. They yabber about themselves for a bit, no lesbians have sex, moving on. Oh! This is when I started getting super-bored. So from here on out, all the screencaps might be a little spicier than per ush. Because I needed to keep it FRESH. What's cooler than cool? FRESH. Freshmints. Freshman. Fresh Food. Fresh Direct.

Oh, Chelsea says it's been hard. She just got to the best part of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and what she found out was she ain't expectin' shit. Aiden asks her if she wants to talk about it. He knows that it's good to talk about your feelings. She just wants to put it all behind her. Aiden asks if Chelsea wants to go to Madison/Ashely's party.

Carly: "What, they're gonna pair her up with Aiden now?"
Me: "Dude, watch out! That girl gets pregnant EASY."

Suddenly, the music indicates that we have, perhaps, boarded an elevator, or accidentally stepped in to a Ponderosa steakhouse. It happens. Oh no! It's gay pride! Look at all the gays! Where's the Dykes on Bikes?

I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Shoulda Missed You Then
Ashley goes over to the Carlin Casa, where Hey Paula is mulling over her bowl of porridge, thinking about how much she hates Ellen DeGeneres. Hey Paula's been cryin'. Ashley asks if she's okay, and Hey Paula tells her that she's been fighting with Spencer. Ashley breaks one of the cardinal rules of friendship which is siding with your friend's Mom--behind her back! Ashley thinks Spencer's being too hard on her--"At least you care." Ash's mom doesn't care. Then Hey Paula uses "ironic" improperly. Ashley asks if Paula will be her Mom for the day.
Ashley: "Let's go show 'em our pride."
Hey Paula: "Show them our pride? No, that's okay. You go."
Ashley: "What are you so afraid of?"
Me: "Taking off my clothes!"
Carly: "Gay sex!"
Me: "Your tender touch!"

P.S. We like Ashley again.
The music has gotten even worse.

I Can Show You the World, Shimmering, Shining, Splendid
Dear Dad asks how things have been with her and Ashley these days and Spencer says that Ashely has this whole new world, a new fantastic point of view, no one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming ... her Dad says one day Spencer will grow up and go to college and forget his name. I, for one, have already forgotten his name.

Tell me Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?

I Can Open Your Eyes, Take You Wonder By Wonder,
Me: "I put all of Ryan's products in my hair today. Just to see what would happen."
Carly: "Don't go near an open flame."
Me: "I won't."

I Just Want Back Into Your Head
Look who's decided to come hang out with the gays! Spencer can't believe it! Yay! Hm. I remember when I went to Pride in Michigan as a little girl, and Wilson Cruz was there from "My So-Called Life" and I was like "Hi Rickie! HOLLA!" That was AWESOME.

Me: "Wouldn't it have been cooler if Paula'd been dressed in drag?"
Carly: "The odds of them actually finding each other, like in reality, are really slim."
Me: "One time I went to go get my ex-girlfriend from prison, and G-d told me where to find her."
[true story]

Spencer's still feeling heartwarmed by Hey Paula's decision to come to Pride, but Carly and I are a little bit more shocked about something else altogether: Hey Paula's hair! It's totes different now. She got highlights, she probs knew that Carson Kressley would be there and she didn't want to be a Glamour Don't.

Me: "We're in West Hollywood? Where's Shane? Where's Shane?"
Carly: "Where's The Planet float?"
Me: "Where's Shane for Wax?"

There was a lot of this. Paula and Dad are inspired by the gays to reignite the burning flame of their own loins.

Bye Bye Bye
Madison's not on the list for the party that might also be her party. She also lost the straps to her dress and was forced to improvise with the gold chain DJ Boss wore in 1994. Ashley is all over this situation. She comes outside and is like "OMG, I can't believe you're not on the list." Probs they only meant to leave off DJ Boss. JK, I'm sure he's really nice. She says they need to get their asses inside. DJ Boss actually says "Fo'sho," which people are supposed to only use ironically, and then darts inside.

Everyone's had a pretty significant character arc this season though, I've gotta say. Madison's really come around after Jake totally played her, Ashley has seen the bright lights and turned away, Hey Paula is gay--I mean -- loves the gays, and Aiden is talking about his feelings. And Chelsea's not preggers anymore, and Glen is still dumb, but slightly more endearing. Kyla still has no personality. Madison says that no on even asked her what she wanted to do on her last night in town.

Carly: "I bet she wants to dance."
Me:"Yeah, I was gonna say, she wants to dance. She just can't get enough."
Kyla decides to call Jake because she's codependent and needs drugs. He's in a car somewhere. We're thinking he's probs fucked up too, and I am personally thinking that I hope he runs into a tree or something. Then it turns out he's in the car with .... ANOTHER WOMAN! I hope she makes him run his car into a tree.
Me: "I hope he dies.
Carly: "Oh, he's not driving. He's getting road head!"
Me: "Oh god, I hope he dies. Wouldn't that be amazing if someone we DIDN'T like died? It's always people we DO like who die on TV, like Dana."
The whole crew has gathered for an impromptu going-away party! Aiden brought pizza -- and Chelsea!

Fetuses are the New Miracle Bras
Chelsea may've lost the baby, but she didn't lose her pregnancy boobs. She's impressed by Ashley's "crib." Madison tells Ashley that they wasted so many years fighting with each other. I agree. They could've been making out, obvs.
They toast. "Here's to us." Good work, kiddos. Yay! Friends! Fun! Laughter! Joy! Accessories!

See, Kevin Costner Would've Never Let This Happen to Whitney
We're admiring how cool it is on pre-teen prime-time soaps that you only have to do drugs for like, a week, to die from it. We can tell you from experience that that is not, in fact, the case. Speaking of death, can Jake just die? The skeezy photographer sees his opp to get into Kyla's pants and asks her "where's your bodyguard now?" Actually, he's at the top of the stairwell, Sherlock. That Glen. Maybe HE'S on drugs.

We ARE family, Me Hey Paula Daddy and Me
Hey Paula, Dear Dad and Spencer come back from the Pride parade. They are BEAT!! Spencer says: "Thanks for sharing one of the greatest days of my life with me," and Paula says it was one of her favorite days too. Awww. Seriously, how cute is that? most people might pick a day where they got to have lesbian sex, or where they like, won something or something, and she's like "I went to a parade with my Mom, it was the best day ever!" I mean, how could you not want to kiss Spencer's cute little cheeks and take her to parades all the time? You couldn't. So Hey Paula, much like the world itself, has turned.

Me: "It's like she's Debbie Navatni. But not as cool."
Carly: "She could never be Debbie Navatni."
Me: "She couldn't shine Debbie Navatni's shoes."

Then Spencer starts thinking ... how could I make this day even better ...


Me: "Look at her little tattoo did you see that?"
Carly: "I hate how HOT she is, it makes me really uncomfortable."

1-310-Spashley: The Night Starts Here
Content: Spencer's impressed that Ashley got her Mom to go to Pride. Ashley's like "Oh, I know, I'm amazing." Spencer's like: 'You are.' Then she tells Ashley that it's time for Ashley to open HER door.
Future Prognosis: Um, on a scale of one to ten, I would say very fuckin' promising.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #4: Take Me By the Hand and Tell Me You Would Take Me Anywhere

and it goes

it's like come on come on

come on come on to me

We'll give it a +50.
Score: +50. Yup.

The Round Up:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ONE this epiosde, FOUR total
Papi Fashion Award: Chelsea's sun-moon-goddess weirdo dress getup she was wearing when she saw Aiden on his robo-cycle.
Spashley Phoneathon: Um, I can't count right now, like a thousand? I dunno.


  1. Oo Lynnie oO said...

    (my first "first comment")

    soo this post made me smile, this episode made me smile, i feel warm inside !!!

    what else is there to say?  

  2. Edilma said...

    OMG! Ok I can't wait to see this episode :D My jaw dropped when i saw the last pics...those girls are too hot, are they even real? Damn!

    P.S. How was the b-day? :D  

  3. carlytron said...

    I will number these.

    1. You forgot to mention that I predicted a lot of dialogue in this episode. Haha.
    2. Loved that you used "twat: the night," that was amazing.
    3. I love how we were literally making the same faces in these, right down to the hand gestures. Not at all surprised!
    4. Seriously, it can't be said enough ... the last scene ... pretty much redeemed this entire season!  

  4. Anonymous said...

    my favorite part of these recaps have to be all the l word/ tegan and sara/ k's choice/ aladdin?!? references throughout. also when madison was talking about what she wanted to do on her last night i thought she was going to prove to us how much she really loves to dance... anywhere, any time
    ,,, dag  

  5. riese said...

    lynnie: ooo it is!? you win a prize. I don't know what the prize is, but it'll be good.
    edilma: it was quite good. and thanks for your myspace good wishes too. the only downfall to this ep is that you have to sit through the first 22 minutes to get to the last 22 seconds.
    tron: See this is why we need to have a podcast. Because I transcribed some of that stuff but it didn't work as well in text as it does live in voices. Re: 2&3, totes Team Awesome, obvs. Re: 4 ... I think I stopped recording after the thing just stopped playing. But I should've transcribed that part -- the part where you say that. Maybe I'll add it in. Hummm
    anon: I love you for getting the references. Spencer was sooo asking for it with the Aladdin thing, i mean, "Ashley's got her whole new world .." it was the gay parade, she shoulda burst into song, it would've been AWESOME. Then Madison coulda come out and danced, too.  

  6. Edilma said...

    OMG! OMG! OMG! i need a paper bag! wow that was too hot, those two girls are going to kill me.

    Sorry i'm still trying to breathe, but of course i needed to comment on the hotness of the last seconds. I can say it was worth all the bad dialogues, stories, etc....I'm so glad the old Ashley is back.

    By the way, yes you should make a podcast :D

    P.S I'm gonna have sweet dreams tonight hahahaha.  

  7. Anonymous said...

    haha excellent ladies! Fellow Michigan grad here with many smiles. Pls tell me that you will be back early next year when Spashley/second half of the season returns.

    How fantastic were Mandy's/Ashley's wide eyes and shit-eating (or perhaps something else-eating) grin when Spencer dropped the coat? Mandy really nailed it there (well, um, you know, nailed the expression)...

    Too bad that those last moments only lasted seconds..damn them, can't they give us a little more! Damn you Showtime, can you not pick up this show so we can get some more Spashley hotness? But alas, it was a good note to end on.

    I agree with you, though, Mandy's hotness does make me all sorts of uncomfortable, but hey, I can live with it.  

  8. Oo Lynnie oO said...

    a prize?! i'll hold you to that. and i'll be waiting :]  

  9. nawasaka said...

    will you continue to recap even if the l word starts again? please do :D you are great!  

  10. Anonymous said...

    Hey Riese, there's a New L Word Season 5 Promo out...Any chance for an Automatic Straddle pre-preseason warm-up/recap?  

  11. riese said...

    OMG. I love The L Word. I love the L Word. I just watched that thing. I loved every minute of it. It gives me butterflies, I'm not even lying. Yeah, totes recapping that thing, toteessss.  

  12. riese said...

    And in response to all the other comments, um, you guys probs aren't still checking back. If you are, um, yes, recap SON, yes, prize, yes, agree, yes, girls, yes, sex, yes, crazy, yes, l word, son, spashley, shane, yes.  

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