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Carly, Riese, Vicky.
This week, we watched on Sunday afternoon, 'cause on Friday Carly and I were in our own individual homes, going crazy busy with stuff. By Sunday, our respective stress levels were, if anything, higher, and the piles of work no less intimidating, and we'd gotten a collective total of about six hours of sleep between the two of us, as is evidenced by our hoodies, hats and sunk-in eyes ... but we still sat down and watched this show, because we are women of our word and we didn't want to let y'all down like Britney did.

Actually, I guess it was Sunday night, not afternoon. The hours all just blur together sometimes, you know? Vicky came over too, she was not wrecked or stressed, but rather like a glass of cold lemonade on a hot summer's day. Speaking of lemonade, which I really only consume when it's HARD, we were totes not drunk this week. This is an abomination, it will never happen again, we mos def learned our lesson about being sober this week.
*
1. Is this show always this un-fun? Or is it just because we aren't drunk?
2. Why doesn't Glen just go to work and tell them he lost his key card?
3. Was this ever a lesbian-themed show, or did we just tell ourselves it was because it made us feel better? Are we like, watching this under the false assumption that it owes us some sort of Sapphic Stupendousness?
4. Is complete exhaustion at all similar to being drunk?
5. Is there another Red Bull in the fridge? Can you get it for me? Are you tired? Are you done? Did you proof that thing? Can you put that doc in the other doc? Isn't our video funny? Are you hungry? Aren't we funny? Aren't you funny? ARE we funny? Aren't we delirious? Is it just me, or are the words flying off the page? Are your limbs shaking? Oh, just mine? Okay. What's a limb? Is there a bunny in the garden? What did you say? Is this funny?
6. Who does the score for this show and why are they still employed? At all? Ever?
*

Eye of the Tiger
Madison is dancing. Aiden is boxing. Some of the worst music I've ever heard in my life is playing. Or, rather ... some of the worst music I've heard since last episode. No, since the last time I was in an elevator. Following their intense workouts, Aiden and Madison run into each other outside on the steps and gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. Suggestive music begins. Well, it's not suggestive exactly, so much as it's retarded. Aiden and Madison look like they're about to kiss. I wonder if someone's gonna come punch Aiden in the face and then it'll turn out to be a dream sequence.

Carly: "This is a training sequence--I love training sequences!"

*

Just Do It
Did she just give him a BeeJer or did they just actually bone? They look cute, like a couple that's comfortable with each other. I have no clue why I'm so endeared to them right now. I'm just glad he's not sticking it to Ashley. Vicky doesn't think they just did it because they have all their clothes on and their hair looks really good. She's like "Where did they do it?" I suggest that perhaps Madison had just straddled him while he sat on the front seat, or perhaps they'd gone into the backseat and then they'd come back to the front seat, put their clothes back on, and re-done their hair. But yeah, they're really composed for people who just did it, there should be some cum in her hair or something, you know? Vicky also notes that Aiden is wearing a lot of eyeliner. Lets face it: Aiden may be a lesbian, but Madison mos defo isn't, so who cares? Lets move on.

Oh wait. I'm sorry. Aiden name-drops Douglas Coupland, who, P.S. IS AMAZING. I love him. I'm freaking out. I'd recommend "Life Before God." Also, when Aiden says: 'Have you ever read Douglas Coupland,' Carly is like "Um, neither have you, Aiden," which also is a good point. Anyhow, I just started to like this show 100 times better. I'm not kidding. Totally redeemed if D.C's book sales skyrocket after this. Also it's a big up to Canada, where D.C is from.

Also, Madison got into The San Francisco Dance Academy. Does that exist? Have you ever seen "Havana Nights"?

Vicky: "She just started dancing this season!"
Me: "She was a cheerleader before."
Carly: "That's a nice segue, cheerleading to dance?"
Me: "Have you seen 'Bring it On'?"
Carly: "This is so gay! They're cuddling and talking about careers!"

*

I Hate Everything About You.
The flashes and the camera clicks aren't even matched up. I hate everything about this scene. That's right, even Kyla's tits are wearing thin on me. The way he talks is obnoxious. She asks him if they can turn off the camera for once and he says "People will wake up on the East Coast and not know what to wear."? Huh? I hope they don't wear what you're wearing. Or what she's wearing. Why does the topic of his blog keep changing? Why is he on this show? Can someone hit him with a parked car?

Carly: "This is awful."
Vicky: "I'm getting a headache."
Carly: "I think I'm about to have a seizure."
Me: "I'm going to have an epileptic fit."
Carly: "I've never had one before, but I might start."
Kyla: "You're crazy."
Jake: "Crazy wishes it was me."
I wish he was crazy too. But like, fo' real CRAZY crazy, so they could lock him away into an institution and we wouldn't have to listen to him talk ever again. Ashley comes in and is pissed off that the kitchen has been tarped off for their photo shoot because she's decided to try "eating." He starts taking photos of Ashley and she says "If you put that on your blog, I will sue you." So anyway, we love her again. Kyla tells her that if Kyla is hot, then Ashley is hot. Dude, Ashley can be hot without you or your imaginary blog. Look, Ashley, you're on MY blog, what do you care about those kids? That's right. Ashley is so over it.
*
1-310-Spashley: Alright, I'll Say What You Want Me To, Alright I'll Do All The Things You Do
Content: Ashley's trying to tell Spencer that she's not interested in the scene anymore, and then notes that someone's calling on the other line. It's Ethan, her Dad's former gopher, who wants to hear Ashley sing. Spencer says she should do it, and Ashley says she'll do it if Spencer goes with her, and Spencer says she'll go with her.
Future Prognosis: Good. They've made a date, they're communicating with increasing civility, and Ashley has stopped being a Totes Twatwaffle. Spencer even tells Ashley that she could be a rock star. it could be like that show they had on The N about the rock star girl. I don't know what that was called.
Score: +4

Carly: "Her phone is massive, it's bigger than mine."
Vicky: "It's a Game Boy Advance."


*
Vicky: "Is Ashley a singer? did I miss something?"
Me: "Probably."
Vicky: "She used to sing after sex."
Me: "And then she did her hair."
*

What About the Key Card to Glen's Heart?
Glen can't find his key card. His Dad asks him if he's on drugs again. "Why do you guys always think I'm on drugs?" His Dad says it's 'cause he just doesn't understand why Glen's so irresponsible. If I avoided work every time I lost one little thing, I'd never go to work. Glen: go to work and tell them you lost it, I'm sure they'll get you a new one. Or -- even better -- Why don't you use that key around your neck?
*

What to Expect When You're Expecting Actors To Make Embarrassing Physical Movements
Chelsea says that Carmen is moving to San Diego. OMG, Haviland's girlfriend Heather just moved to San Diego for 10 weeks. They should hang out. Seriously, that was Carmen's entire role? It's over now? That was so random, wasn't it? Then they start talking about Chelsea's baby and all these weird "Old Wives Tales," like about babies dying. I think?

Also, Chelsea: the cast of "Living Single" is on Line 1 and Clarissa of "Clarissa Explains it All" is on Line 2, they all want their outfit back. Chelsea does that weird thing again where she feels her belly and comments on the movements of her child.

Carly: "Hmmm .... the baby's not moving. Interesting...
Me: "Maybe it's about to die ..."
Vicky: "Maybe Carmen pushed her too."
*

Mama Drama
Glen can't find his key card from work and thinks it could be in Chelsea's art studio so he actually GOES TO SCHOOL to ask her if she has it. She tells him she's not psychic so she's got no clue, but that's a little harsh, I think he meant maybe she'd remembered seeing it there, SO she coulda said: "I don't have a photographic memory, I don't know."

I'm imagining him going to the art studio and finding Carmen is like, living in a fort made out of Easels, worshiping a Spencer shrine she built herself. Then Chelsea starts having pains in her baby-belly. You know what that means!!! MISCARRIAGE!

He takes her to the hospital, where it turns out that it's not time yet for the miscarriage. Chelsea tells Glen that if he needs to head back to work, he can go. "Are you kidding? Why would I go back to work when I have such a stellar excuse?" Sometimes, Glen is awesome. I change my mind about who I like and hate in every episode. Except I always like Spencer.
*

Dr. Hey Paula, Medicine Woman

Hey Paula's at work, though. She's like one of those town doctors in old time movies. Any kind of medicine you need, Paula is there for you. I think she's an E.R. Nurse Practitioner, but Vicky says she's a doctor. So: gunshot wound? Baby? Lesbianism? Paula is your girl!

I gotta say though, she is not good at saving Clay or the spawn of Clay. If I were Chelsea, I'd stay far away from Hey Paula next time I experience any sharp pains.
*

I'm Running Away To San Diego, Along With All The Little People On My Shirt
Spencer is putting a candle on the King High Shrine Thing. Because her brother died. His name was Clay. I almost just wrote "his name was Gay." That woulda been bad news, he'd have been very self-loathing, like an Evangelical Christian. A lot of them are gay, I'm just saying. Larry Craig though--that dude is NOT gay. P.S., everyone please, just come out, and stop yelling at people, fo'real.

*
So Spencer's standing there, being wistful and ...Oh! There's Carmen! Wow, my heart just jumped out of my chest. She says she's moving to San Diego unless she has a reason to stay or a place to crash, wink wink Spencer, but Spencer says it's not cool. Carmen says she's sorry that she hit her but it just happened once. Vicky's like "Um, on the second date!": important point. Plus with that whole gang history, and the rough-side of the tracks storyline, this was obviously coming ... Carmen says moving from place to place is the story of her life. That would be a "sob story." Spencer's not buying it.


Don't Hit Me Baby, One More Time
Spencer's holding her arms over her chest because she's feeling attacked and then defensive, and protecting herself. This is a classic psychological manifestation of the situation, Gaby has done her homework. Carmen gets upset at Spencer for being mad at her and Carly notes that: "I hate it when people do fucked up shit to you and then get pissed at you about it." I could not possibly agree more. In fact, I personally ... never mind. I gotta say that Spencer's got a good head on her shoulders. I'd probably be like "Oh my G-d, Carmen, I'm so sorry!" Because I am ridiculous.
*

That Actress is 23, Just So You Know.
I think we all said "Awww, look at her," at the same time. I mean really, look at her! How could you shove her against a wall, she looks like a fragile little adorable cute hands down totes sweetmuffin. Well: I mean, no one should ever shove anyone against a wall. OBVIOUSLY.

What We Dream About When We Dream About Los Angeles
Then Ashley pulls up and goes: "Hey sexy, lookin' for a ride?" And this happy music starts playing. Suddenly, we want nothing more in the world than for Spencer and Ashley to get back together, and then, secondarily, for Ashley to do something about that Manic Panic.
Me: "They're so meant to be."
Carly: "Yeah in that high school kind of way."
Me: "Yeah, they're so meant to be for another six months."
Carly: "And then break up when they go to college and get back together and then break up ..."
*


My Slumbering Heart
Aiden's talking about how his college acceptance letter hasn't come yet but it might come tomorrow, which probs means he'll get rejected. But who knows, Chelsea's still got a live fetus, so anything's possible. This girl, however, has already had her baby and is lookin' hot. She calls USC "University of Second Choice" or "University of Spoiled Children," isn't that funny? Enough funny business. She says she knows he didn't come here to trade barbs about their rival colleges. He says that's right, he came there to fuck her like there's no tomorrow, because he doesn't believe in death anymore. JK! This is 'The N'. Who can't wait for Degrassi? MEEEEE. Oh, he wants to talk about the shooting or whatevs.

Madison, out and about on her crime beat, happens to walk by. I can't tell if she looks pissed or hurt or what, she's not a very good actress. Her outfit sucks though, sidenote.
*

This is the Next Ryan Seacrest, But Hetero and Hipster
Spashley are in the music studio, which looks supsiciously like The Peach Pit After Dark, to meet up with 'Ethan,' who used to be a gopher for Ashley's Dad, the famous musician. He wants to hear Ashley sing. She says Spencer is just here for moral support. Not underwire support, that's what her bra is for.

Ethan says "Ashley Davies, as I live and breathe" and the girls comment that Ethan looks "so New York," which's a reference to something we can't quite put our finger on, but I'd like to just throw this out there: Williamsburg?
Carly: "He wants to have a threesome."
Me: 'Who doesn't want to have a threesome with Spashley?"
Vicky: "I don't."
Carly: "Liar."

Ethan's kinda cute, but if she fucks him, I'm going to die. They have a little heart to heart about Ashley's father while Spencer waits outside, looking adorable. Ethan says he wants to be on a "very tasteful" tribute album to her father and wants her to be on it and asks to listen to her "pipes," which is a gross expression.

They Call her Red
She starts singing a song she apparently wrote herself. She doesn't know that many words -- I mean, let's face it, the chance that Ashley Davies can read is pretty slim-to-none, she's like Jordan Catalano -- so the lyrics go as follows: "I'll go anywhere anytime, I'll go anywhere anytime, I'll go anywhere anytime, I'll go anywhere, anytime." Get it? Anywhere. Any time. For example: SPORTSTIME.

Then Ethan says no, he wants to hear her sing one of her Dad's songs. Really, anything but this, she could sing "Wasted on Life" and it'd be better. Then suddenly this weird lighting starts, it's like a fantasy sequence on Planet Unicorn or that show "Teenangel" they had on the Disney Channel during "The Mickey Mouse Club." Or it's like an ad for Lucky Charms. It's so many bad things, the only thing I know for sure is that it is NOT a good teevee show about lesbian sex.
Vicky: "Was that really her father's range? Was her father randomly like, a gay lounge singer?"
*

Take Me By the Hand And Tell Me You Would Take Me Anywhere
Spencer's listening. She likes what she hears. It'd be funny if that guy was like "want a drink?" and she was like "TOTES!" and then he gave her a big ol' shot of Jager and she was like "HOLLA!" and then they did Tequilla shots and then when Ashley comes out from the other room, Spencer would be like, tripping over herself and like "Ashley, I love you, lets sdoootititttt ..."
*

Knife Going In
Apparently Chelsea's gonna be okay. Glen tells her not to think that something is going to happen to the baby [clearly he wants to go get wasted with her]. Chelsea's excited about having the baby now though, she might even keep it because "it's like there's a little person inside of [her.]" Glen's like "OH! That's how babies are made! Cool!"

Yeah, um, there's no way she's giving birth to this kid. Welcome to television, baby. Just ask Julia Salinger.
*

Lean On Me, When You're Not Strong ... That's Right ... Just Lean ... On Me ... A Little Harder ... That's Right ...
Madison comes to see Aiden at the gym to tell him that she's over him and doesn't care that she saw him out with this other girl, which means she totally cares and has been thinking about little else since that moment. Mostly this is another gratuitous Aiden's-hot-arms scene. Madison asks what he's so riled up about. He didn't get into USC. I hope he applied to California University too, where the kids from 90210 go and where Bette Porter teaches. They'll take anyone. Madison asks if there's anything she can do. He should say "blow me," but instead she just gives him some weird hug. She has a nice little manicure there. The music that starts playing is what the people call "porn music."

Me: "Whoever does the score for this show should have been miscarried."
Carly: "This makes EZ Girl look like Beethoven."
*

Life 2: The Unhappy Ending
So, Hey Paula and Chelsea have a Mama/Grandmama convo in the hospital. Hey Paula says Chelsea needs to be careful about the baby, bla bla bla, if I wanted to hear about pregnancy, I'd watch "The L Word." They go back out to Glen's car, and then he leaves her in the car to go get something. Also, he finds his Key Card in his pocket, you can stop sitting on the edge of your seats now and recline fully. He speaks to his key card: "There you are, Mr. Key Card." I could hate this, but I choose to love it.

Then seriously, someone rams their car into the Jeep that Chelsea's sitting in. It's like one of those Crash Test Dummies videos, really choice stuff here.

Look you guys, I'm going to promise you something right now. If I ever get pregnant, I'll only talk about it with sarcasm, because I don't want to be hypocritical.

Also: I don't understand why you'd just randomly rear-end a parked car and drive off? It woulda been way better if Glen'd driving the car ON DRUGS and smashed into another car.

I hope someone fights this crime. There're some crimefighters on this show lookin' for work.

So yeah. Re: Chelsea getting hit by the car and probs losing the baby, what we have to say is: BFD.
BFD=Big Fat Duh.

*

Speak Slow, Tell Me Low, Where Do We Go, Where Do We Go?
Spencer tells her that she was "amazing" and that she's her "biggest fan." They have a moment like they're about to kiss ...
.. but then they don't.

Then Ethan says before any commitments can be made, they need Kyla's commitment, 'cause she's got a fashion blog and the money people won't go ahead w/o her. LAME. Lets go back to where Spencer and Ashley were about to kiss. Or, lets go to the hospital!
*

She's In A Better Place Now. Seriously, I Mean. We Wish We Were.
Chelsea's crying 'cause the baby is gone. I'd be like "Holla! I just lost 20 pounds! Now I can get back to Girlfriend in A Coma, Generation X, Microserfs, Life After God, JPod, etc. ... enough of that What to Expect When You're Expecting crap."

Also, surprise! Miscarriage! Carly should've placed a ten-dollar bet on this one.

Hey Paula tells Chelsea there're a lot of people outside who love her. This is like when Dana had cancer. Hey Paula says these alleged people understand and they love her. Man, she is going to be really pissed at Glen. Hey Paula says it would've been a girl. Then they hug. Then it's over. This episode is dumb.


The Round-Up
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 0 This Episode, THREE TOTAL
Papi Fashion Award: Ashley's Cheap Hooker Outfit at the Singing Thing
Spashley Phoneathon Total: +2


Wanna Get Back To Work?
Uh ... Totes.

11 comments:

  1. Suzanna said...

    Thank you, ladies, for taking the time to make such entertaining and witty observations!  

  2. Guls said...

    awww sorry that you had to sit through this. Thanks for the recap ladies.

    Cheers.
    Guls  

  3. flynn said...

    Holy shit this episode sucked. Kind of like the last several, but obviously I'll keep watching because I never learn.

    Alcohol will help the pain, yo. Thank you for entertaining me.  

  4. MoonKiller said...

    Firstly, I too am wearing a hoodie and a hat.

    Secondly, you have the knack to make a shite episode into a good one.  

  5. Edilma said...

    First of all thank you Riese and company to make time an effort to entertain us every week...If you feel tired and not in the mood of doing the recap one day, remember i'm willing to give you a lapdance :D

    Second: I love how you use Tegan & Sara's lyrics :D

    Finally: I haven't seen the ep yet :(  

  6. cait said...

    this show is terrible. honestly. does anyone know who it's even like marketed towards? teenagers? children? who knows. how did that car accident even happen? obviously the driver was the worst parker ever. do you think that mandy musgrave is upset about her hair being that color, or do you think it was a personal choice? it's obvious i have questions and i am sure no one has the answers.

    the show is terrible, you guys are funny, both things you already know  

  7. Anonymous said...

    I'm from Idaho. Larry Craig is definitely a homosexual. It's been well known for years.
    South of Nowhere is making me yearn for the L word. At least after sitting thru bad writing, pointless storylines, and Betty, We occasionally get some hot girl sex.
    Thanks for the recaps,without them I'd actually have to watch the show each week. This way I just can fast forward to any scenes worth seeing.  

  8. riese said...

    1. Aw ... thank you for thanking us, that makes it all worth it! I feel all motivated and proactive ... (I'm using HR speak, a result of doing hours of HR copywriting just now)

    2. I think it is marketed towards teens. Like, 12-16 year olds? I'm really not sure. I have a feeling, however, that, despite my convictions that it is -- it is not, in fact, intended for me or people my age. Who cares? maybe they'll kiss soon!

    3. People noticing my usage of lyrics makes me super-happy.

    4. Yeah, Larry Craig is gay as blazes. he should do a cameo and bring Glen out of the closet.

    5. WORST. PARKER. EVER. And I say this as the daughter of a woman who backed her car into the wall a million times.

    6. Totes no need for anyone to watch the show but me, seriously. I actually have to watch it so many times that I can do SON Karaoke.

    7. I think Mandy Musgrave must like her hair like that. I don't know. It's not like, suddenly cool and I missed something, is it? That's possible, I'm just sayin ....  

  9. Edilma said...

    Finally I saw the episode yesterday, yes it sucked BUT at least they gave us some Spashley hope :D

    BESOS!  

  10. haviland said...

    I don't even watch this show, so I'm really just here for the Riese love, but here's the funniest thing:

    The idea of Larry Craig making cameos as a gay character on every show. This would be AMAZING.
    Who says he's commited career suicide? Come on! A little ingenuity, senators! This is a perfect time for him to break into the entertainment industry.  

  11. Lennui said...

    I'll go anywhere anytime are lyrics from an actual song by Sara Melson...it's called "Anywhere anytime", surprisingly:) but I kinda like the song..and the singer is aai.  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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