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Welcome to the recap of South of Nowhere Episode 5. We are full or partial homosexuals or friends of homosexuals and we will watch almost anything that has hot girls in it who might end up kissing before the end of the season. In our spare time, we enjoy long walks on the beach, playing with our hair or each other's hair, collecting plastic figurines of Civil War Heroes and polishing our toenails all the colors of the rainbow. You may have spotted us at your local liquor store purchasing things we shouldn't drink before a Writeathon.

Natalie's my best friend from college. If any of you work for non-profits in NYC, preferably dealing with the Rights of Womyn, then you should hire her, she's overqualified, she has a masters from London School of Economics and her B.A. from University of Michigan and is very witty, pretty and friendly to gays. 'Friendly.' If you know what I mean.

Also, I'm not funny anymore. I've said this before, but I really mean it this time: I am out of jokes. You think I'm joking about that, but just wait 'til you're 33% of the way through this recap and you'll see if I'm lyin', I'm dyin', and Livin' La Vida Loca Probs Did It. I'm too tired to proofread it. Aren't I really building this up to be the best thing ever? Yeah I am.


1. Why is this episode shorter than all other episodes?
2. If "Livin' La Vida Loca" had a run-in with "Jenny from the Block," who'd win?
3. Aiden got shot in the heart by a drive-by shooter, so why is he having post-traumatic dreams about being punched in the face?
4. Who killed Clay Portard?
5. Who killed Laura Palmer?
6. Who killed Ashley's soul? And who killed Carmen's character before she ever even got started?
7. What the F is wrong with people, for Chrissakes.
8. If you and your friends talk constantly throughout the entire episode, can you still transcribe anything or register opinions or pay attention to one single second of the show? The answer to this is: no. Will you find just enough -- pay silent attention for just one short minute -- to inspire you to talk more and more, continuing to drown out the sound of the episode itself? Yes.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight? Spencer's Tits Sure Can.


Just Call Me Thomas Kinkaid

This is the best show on television," Carly enthusiastically declares as the show opens. I agree. We're so disbelieving that such a thing is happening that we actually rewind and re-watch this opening scene three times, a la Aiden's magic-pants from last episode. [Original typo: "magic pats," which woulda been hilarious.] Spencer's rolling around in bed like a cute little glow-worm and her New Girlfriend Carmen is doing a paint by number of a nice sunset. I mean, sketching Spencer. Then Spencer takes her shirt off and you can see her cute pink bra. We don't even think it's weird that she's wearing a bra in bed, we're just happy that the show is getting SexyBack so quickly. Much like life itself in relation to the The L Word Season One's Cherie-Shane Affair, it's all downhill from there.

Spencer wants Carmen to hurry up and sketch her already. That's one of many things we would like Carmen to do to Spencer. Carmen's right there with us: "Girl who wants to sketch? I just wanna see you naked." Yay! Naked girls! Oh wait ...

That's My Girl!

Hey Paula and Dear Dad bust up this afternoon delight. Where've they been all day while their daughter's been covorting about in bed with Menuda? Parents these days.
Spencer: [cute] This is not what it looks like.
Dad: [clever!] I'm not sure what it looks like. [to Carmen] Picasso, I presume?
Carmen: [smarmy] You can call me Pablo.
Carly: Or you can call me Papi!



Win, Lose or Draw Another Picture of a Duck!

In an effort to charm Spencer's parents (though, if you look at the photo up top of Hey Paula & Dad from the love-shack-bust, Dear Dad looks already pleased as party punch), Carmen's decided to draw them all a picture of a duck while the family yells things that remind them of ducks. Glen thinks of "One Flew Over a Cuckoo's Nest," which is clearly foreshadowing one of the following two possible events: 1. Glen is going to learn how to read, 2. Carmen is going to turn out to be a nutcase. If Carly were to offer a ten-dollar bet on this one, which she can't, because I'm writing this and she's at IKEA, I would put my money on "2." That's all the cash I've got on my wallet and Zoey just wrote RENT on the white board in all caps, so I'm playing it safe.

Nah, Really, It's Just Viral Marketing For Dippin' Dots, the Ice Cream of the Future.

Dear Dad points out that Carmen might have marker on her hand. Honestly though I'm sure she and the rest of Menudo get that all the time, you know? Like what a retarded tattoo. No one ever tells me I've got marker on my right thigh, because my tattoo doesn't look like an accident. No offense Menudo, I don't want you to kill me like you did to Clay. Oh, did I say that out loud?

Glen says : "That's a tattoo, right? La Vida Loca?" See, earlier we were just kidding when Carly said "But you can call me Papi." But now it's becoming less funny and more sinister. YES: Carmen is another Fake Lesbian Latina, which means she's got all kinds of Fake Lesbian Latina ways hidden up her Urban Outfittered sleeve. Like, perhaps a firey temper? We'll seee!!

Spencer: "Well, they'll get to know you."
Carmen: "You don't even know me."
Spencer: "What are you talking about? [Carmen storms out like a totes mad twatwaffle] Carmen, can you wait?"

Also, We Don't Want You to Wait to Undress Again.

Someone needs to throw Spencer a bone, fo'reals. I hope someone tells her she's pretty every day besides Hey Paula, because if I were constantly getting rejected every time I tried to kiss someone, it'd probably have a negative impact on my overall self esteem, which might scar me for life, leaving me w/o the self confidence required to enter healthy productive relationships as an adult.

We don't need tattoos to be in the Cool People's Club.


Limited Time Offer: Only $24.99/month, You Too Can Have a Lifetime of Musak Love Ballads

Aiden is having a weird dream that involves lots of soft light and lens flares. Bad music plays. Suddenly, we're at a carnival, and Jenny Shecter is bringing roses to Sounder's grave. High above in the clouds, Care Bears are singing and Tinkerbell is flying over the rainbow. Spencer and Ashley touch each other's hair while Aiden gets punched in the face. Then he wakes up. He's not wearing a shirt. On a scale of one to ten, this scene is retarded.

Carly: This HAS to be a dream sequence.
Vicky: it's like a Meatloaf video.
Carly: Who's dream is this?
[Switch to shot of Spencer & Ashley dancing]
Me: This is MY dream.


This is Aiden getting his ass kicked by some random dude.

Natalie: Is that Adrian?
Me: Yes.

Natalie also thought 'The O.C' was a channel.


Downward Facing DAWG

Kyla's doing yoga. There's a nice shot between her legs ... of Ashley ... entering ... the room. Kyla asks if she wants to do yoga, but Ashley would prefer coffee. I already like her better than I did last episode. Kyla asks Ashley if it's over with Aiden because they both need new boys. "Or girls, whatever." That's the spirit! New girls! I have an idea: let's introduce a new female love interest for Spencer, and before things can get really good, let's make her totally psycho. Good? Great! Lez go!


Alright, I'll Make It All Up To You

Carmen apologises to Spencer and says she "totally wimped out on her." That is obvs not what you heard and it is not what I heard either.

Vicky: Did she say "I totally went down on you"?
Carly: I know! That's what I thought she said.
Me: That is totally what she said.
Carly: Rewind!
[we do]
Me: No, she said I totally wimped out on you, which is actually like, the opposite.
Carly: Wigged. "Wigged out on you."
Vicky:"Wigged" could be a reference?

Spencer could take this chance to run for her life, or to say, "Yeah, you sure did, weirdo, maybe you could make it up to me by going down on me right now." But instead, she even accepts partial blame, citing the trouble of dealing with her "overwhelming" family. Spence! She accepts blame too easily, this does not bode well for her psychological future. Carmen asks "are we cool?" and then acts all flirty towards her and says that she wants to finish that sketch later. I thought the point of a "sketch" was that you did it real fast, but whatevs. Obviously the so-called "artists" on this show like to take their time with their work. See: the Glen picture. Or rather: don't. It's not easy on the eyes, or finished.


What To Expect When You're Watching "The N"

I hope it has a chapter in there for what to do if your boyfriend gets shot in a drive-by shooting right after you find out you're pregnant. I mean, you don't necessarily expect that, but there's probs a lot of things you don't expect. When you're. Expecting. (??!)


: That girl is on everything! I swear every time they want to cast a black girl it's always her. I don't even know her motherfuckin' name but she is on everything. Why can't they spread the love?
Me: Maybe she's pregnant in real life.
Star: She's pregnant in that other show she's in! Every time they cast a black girl, it's either her or Gabrielle Union.
Carly: It's no "You Got Served."
Star: It's no "Drumline."
Me and Vicky: It's no "Havana Nights."

Apparently reading this old school parenting book is making Chelsea excited about giving birth. I guess she may as well be, because it'd appear that miscarriage we've been anticipating is not going to happen. She says "something amazing is going on in her body." Spencer clutches her sleeves and it's really cute.

Madison Should Get on OurChart, Then She Can Special Friend Everyone
Madison plops her ass onto the picnic table. Her and Spencer have almost the exact same hairdo today, it's uncanny, almost like it's not real life and they just have the same stylist. Madison wants Spencer to get Ashley to get her into Ego which is the hottest club ever and it's not fair that Ashley and Kyla get to go and Madison doesn't, because she's the greatest dancer on the West Coast. Obviously she's never seen "Havana Nights." Or like, the world beyond the inside of her eyelids. Madison insists that Ashley can do it because rules don't apply to it girls. Or to fictional characters on television shows. Sometimes Madison does facial expressions that'd be really good for a random shoot on Top Model. Like, look at this one:

That's So Tyra.

Rules don't apply to it girls, that's how The Davies Girls can party like rock stars a la Lindsay Lohan. Sorry, I have to go throw up right now, BRB. Madison offers to pretend to be Spencer's "special friend" for a week. Spencer says that's not necessary, Madison says they should totally COME to EGO! and Chelsea says "I'm not rocking maternity clothes to Ego." Why not? Everyone else is. Have you seen Aiden's new special friend?

If You Dream It, Then You Can Do It

Chelsea is helping Aiden study for his Econ. He says it's all about attitude. If there's one thing Aiden's got going for him, it's that positive attitude. (huh?) Then he has some more Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and punches Glen in the face, which is awesome. He's like the new Tasha.

Star: Is he Mark Consuleos' son?
Vicky: Looks like it.


310-Spashley: The Circle Game
The Content: I think they sold those shirts at Victoria's Secret in 2002. Seriously, I think they did. Anyhow, Spencer talks about school and how she blew her history quiz. Ashley's wearing her favorite bra, the leopard print bra. She says she's missing Spencer. Ashley feels like they never see each other anymore. Yeah, uh, that's 'cause you don't, genius. Reason 400 why you shoulda stayed in school. Also, Ashley is painting her toenails. This is sort of the default activity for women on television who're supposed to be seen as independently wealthy. Spencer asks if she can put Madison on the list for Ego. Ashley says she'll put Madison on the list if Spencer goes. She says "Good, then it's a date!" and hangs up before Spencer can say: "Uh, no it's not."
Future Prognosis: Now Ashley misses Spencer, so Spencer no longer misses Ashley. And the wheels they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down, we're captured on a carousel of time, we can't go back, we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round in the circle game.
Final Results: +2

Star: What is she wearing boys and girls? What is she wearing?
Me: Why are they always in bath robes! They must have a tie-in with a bathrobe company. They're like Carlton. In their silk robes.
Star: They are gonna bust out doin' the Carlton.

This is me on the phone with Natalie's boyfriend, Peter.
Me: "What are you wearing?"
Peter: "Pardon?"

[It turns out that he got disconnected, so actually, I've still got no clue what he was wearing.
Howevs, I was wearing my Hangover Shirt and blue jeans, FYIez.]


I Bet Her Screen Name is ITGIRL69

Ashley, dressed like a relatively expensive hooker, comes in to find Kyla talking on the internet to Emil in Peru. Because it turns out, according to Kyla, that they are famous all over the world. She gushes: "Emil is like, my biggest fan!" Fan of what? Of ... the photos? Of her dancing? Underage? In the hottest club in all of Bora Bora? I mean, people say Paris Hilton doesn't actually "do" anything -- as in, "she's famous for doing nothing," but this's taking "being famous for doing nothing" to a whole new level. I mean, Kyla's really done nothing. They've only been to one club ever, and she has the personality of a pile of Play-Dough, and she clearly just discovered the internet.

Ashley's not impressed by this cyber-cavorting. Really O.K., the point of this scene is that Kyla is dumb and something bad will probably happen to her because she is dumb and not cautious, which is fine, because we don't really care about her anyhow, unless she decides to make out with a girl. Okay, moving on ...


How to Catch a Bad Storyline
Kyla says that Emil is not a pedophile. Translation: Emil is clearly a pedophile. Kyla says Ashley doesn't have to babysit her at Ego, and Ashley says that's fine, she's not going for HER anyway. She's going for the fans. I mean, Spencer. Also, this is the cue for Stone Phillips to come on screen and talk about how to catch an online predator.


They didn't do this on purpose, but clearly the point of this photo is that Carly and I have this hot recap blog and we're famous all over the world, and those girls on the left are our totes not creepy fans in Peru.

The Things I Do So Easily

The lyrics of the music playing at Ego, the hottest club in all of Copacabana are as follows:

Everybody say yeah [yeah]!
Everybody say whoa [whoa]!
Everybody get down! [yeah]!
'Cause here we go!

Madison's at Ego in a shirt she borrowed from Aiden's pregnant college girlfriend. She sees a black guy who comes down to talk to her, filling their quota for the episode now that Clay's dead. Sorry, but it's TRUE. He's spinnin' tonight. She's like "Oh, you wanna be a DJ?" This conversation could not possibly be more pointless than it is. Except to show that Ego must really suck if this guy is their D.J, see lyrics, above. D.J. Tanner could spin a better mix than "D.J Boss." Or DJ CARLYTRON!

Me: Can any black person come on this show without starting out with "My boy"?
Star: I KNOW RIGHT?!!!

Ashley's red bangs are in full effect this episode. Madison says she owes her one for getting her in, and asks "I don't have to sleep with you, do I?" Ew, Madison, news flash: just because I'd sleep with you doesn't mean any random queer girl off the street would. Ashley replies: "Don't worry you're not on my to-do list." SNAP! That is the best line of the episode, right there.

Me: Add that to our vocab, ASAP.
Carly: Write that down.
Me: Written.

She May Not be On "The List," but She's Totes On Spencer's "To-Do List." Be-dow-BOW!

Ashley goes outside to find Spencer, and sees her there with Carmen. The look on Ashley's face in this scene is so earnest, I almost started to like her again for a minute. Like, Mandy Musgrave has never before smiled like this ever. It's like her smile's about to explode off her face. I mean, seriously, look:

She's clearly crestfallen when Spencer points out that Carmen's not on "the list." They coulda had a moment.

Ashley should know better than to phunk with La Vida Loca.


Feel the Burn? Feel it Now? Yeah? Feel it Now? Uh Huhhhh

Finally, Glen and Aiden are alone together to have some man-to-man gym bonding. It's like Queer as Folk except without Emmet Honeycutt [Unfortunately, because Emmet could be the Big Nelly Bottom to Glen and Aiden's homoerotic lovefest]. Glen says there's loads of easy chicks at Ego and Aiden should go there with him. Dude, that ab exercise Aiden's doing is really hard, no wonder he's so built. I can do like, three of those. Sidenote: I am eating cookies right now. Just in case Glen's endeared himself to you at all whatsoever, he screws it up by telling Aiden that even if Aiden doesn't need to go to Ego to "score," he sure does. "You still get hot high school action," he tells Aiden, which's creepier than Emil the Peruvian Pedophile could ever be.

Glen: "I work at Sportstime, and when girls come in, cute girls -- girls who play soccer -- I'm wearing this uniform. Which pretty much instantly salts my game."

Me: Maybe it's that KEY AROUND YOUR NECK.
Vicky: Maybe it's the key to Clay's coffin.

Glen wants to "level" with Aiden: "When it comes to places like Ego, you can't just show up and get in." It's like they're promoting Ego or something. Glen continues: "Are you really gonna make me say it?" Aiden's all like: "Yup." This is cute, it's like Emmet and Ted at the gym on Queer as Folk. Glen says: "You're hot, okay?" A-ha! He wants Glen to come with him so they can get in based on Aiden's hotness. That's one thing you could do with Aiden's hotness, Glen. Also Aiden looks like he could crush me with his bicep. Also, Glen: my advice for "how to get chicks" would be to lose the Mohawk. What the F? And take off your shirt after work if it's so unflattering, it's not rocket science. Obvs, I'd never try to talk to you about rocket science, because you're dumb.



This is the New Macarena, Seriously, Mark my Words

Madison is doing this little gay hand flip, see, while she dances? It's like, the gay hand flick but as a dance move? I guess that's why she's the hottest dancer in the Copa, Copa-cabana.


I'm Not Sorry I Met You, I'm Not Sorry It's Over,
I'm Not Sorry There's Nothing To Say

Ashley: Do you think I can just snap my fingers and get in whoever you want?
[Translation: I did not shave my legs so I could go to sleep alone, lover.]
Spencer: Well I left you a message!
[Translation: I'm the cutest girl ever! You can't get mad at me. Why're you wearing Zebra print, BTW? Are we going on Safari?]
Ashley: Well, I didn't get it.
[Translation: I listened to it and promptly disregarded it, as I do not really listen to people as I am too self absorbed.]
Spencer: Fine then, we'll just go.
[Translation: Passive aggressive, obvs.]
Ashley: What is she, some kind of community service project?
[Translation: I'll see your "passive aggression" and raise it a "low blows."]
Spencer: Alright, not everybody has a million dollar inheretence to spend on designer jeans.
[Translation: I'll see your "low blows" and raise it a "first worldian douchebag whore."]
Ashley: Come on, what are you guys like, dating or something?
[Spencer folds her arms, cutie pie]
Ashley [crestfallen]: Oh.
Spencer takes her girl and hightails on outta there. DJ Boss tells Madison: "You're on fire tonight, girl." What's next? "Damn girl, it's getting hot in here. You'd better take off all your clothes!" Madison then bumps into our favorite character, Jake the blogger. Then she bumps into Aiden who asks if it's King High Night. She says it's "Creepy Stalker Night," which sounds a lot more fun than King High Night, at least no one'll get shot. Also, someone should write that down for later when they need a prom theme. Actually, that would be funny, if all the couples went as a famous person and their stalker?

OMG, I used to live in a NUNNERY that is so weird!

Kyla is being chatted up by the blogger guy. Hm. Couldn't have seen this one coming. Jake's name dropping Tokyo again. She asks if he's been to any Buddhist temples. He tells her he's Jesus and the Buddha, all wrapped into one. No wait, I'm confusing him with my schizomanic ex. He just says he used to live in a Buddhist temple. I hope they had wi-fi.

Also: is anyone at this club of age?

Also, My Mom Supports All Heterosexual Unions, And I Work At Sportstime

Glen's tryin to chat up some boring looking girl. He tells he does live with his parents but they have a really nice house and they get digital cable. She totally rejects him. Is "living at home" supposed to be a turnoff? I wish I lived at home. I think "living at home" is the new "getting your own place." "Lives with parents" is clearly my type.

Me: "Dude, why's she dogging on living with parents?"
Carly: "I live with my parents--"
Me: "Oh ... right."
Carly: "In New Jersey."
Natalie: "I live with my parents. In Ohio."
Everyone: "That's worse."
Natalie: "Cleeeeeevveeelanddddd."
[Sidenote: If my Mom lived in New Jersey or New York or really anywhere remotely close to my life in this city, I would move in with her faster than you could say "dinner's ready!"]



My Heart Can't Carry Much More, But You Couldn't Care Less, Could You?
Madison tells Ashley that she needs to watch out because Kyla is talking to the kind of guy who turns girls into statistics. That's right: he's a magician. In the finale, he turns straight girls into lesbians and Glen into a rabbit.
Ashley: "Well do I look like her Keeper? If Kyla has a problem, tell Kyla."
Madison: "Wow, and I thought I was all about myself? No wonder Spencer dumped you."

Everyone is enunicating really well in this episode and Madison is rocking it. She's my new favorite character now that Carmen's no longer the cool underdog of the moment. Then this guy says he's been watching her all night, he's from Something Talent Group. I think that means he's gonna offer to be her agent. I'm guessing he'll show up at King High or something and then she'll become a star, in a movie like "Havana Nights." He asks for her name and Madison says she's Beyonce. I believe it, girl! You Yourself and You is all you got in the end! To the left to the left .... She asks DJ Boss for her bag. She's over it. This is the "over it" episode:

1. Aiden is over being in denial
2. Madison is over being a selfish twat
3. Ashley is over being a selfish twat
4. We are all over Kyla
5. Glen is over being heterosexual and would like to admit his true feelings for Aiden (I'm just inferring here)
6. The writers are over Carmen

Also, DJ Boss actually chases Madison out of the club because he kinda needs a ride. This show really isn't good for black people. They're making The L Word look like Roots.

One Day, That "Ego" Sign Will Be on ebay For $150, And I Will Buy It

Aiden had a little episode in the bar just now, too. Like where he thought someone was going to punch him in the face again. I'm kinda liking Aiden again now that he's not actively snatching Ashley from Spencer's cute hands. I still think he's dumb, but that's never interfered with my feelings for a man before. He's on his phone, obvs talking to College Girl: he's ready now to talk now about "what life's been like since the shooting."

Star: Who is he talking to?
Carly: The pregnant girl.
Star: There's another pregnant girl?
Me: No, she just wears maternity clothes.
Star: Really?
Carly: Yeah.

Livin' La Vida Paula

Back at the homestead, Paula's just come home after having two traumas: and she's not talking about Glen! She asks if the kids are home, and Dear Dad informs her: "I believe our son is trying to score hot babes and Spencer's out with Carmen." Seriously, the first part of that sentence is far more alarming than the latter half, what's wrong with this woman? He tells Hey Paula that he's talked to Spencer already about Carmen's gang affiliation and apparently it was the work of a manipulative ex-girlfriend. I buy that, actually.

Vicky: What kind of gang would use that tattoo? Except for like, the blow job gang?
Carly: That would be incredible. Menudo?
Vicky: Dude, that's the gang that killed Clay!
Carly: THAT WOULD BE THE MOST AMAZING PLOT TWIST EVER. If they did that, this show would be completely redeemed.
Me: Ha. The Menudo Blow Job Gang.


See, This Could Have Been a Lesbian Sexy Moment,
But Instead, It's Just a Lesbian Moment.

Spencer takes Carmen back to the love shack, a.k.a. Chelsea's art studio. I guess since Chelsea's about to have some Mama Drama she can't really date right now, so it's sort of like she's opening up her home to people who still can have sex, especially lesbians who can have sex w/o getting pregnant. Arguably, depends on how fast you like to move things along. Speaking of moving things along: Carmen continues to deftly defy stereotype by offering the following description of her apartment: "We're talking five people in Koreatown with one bedroom and a crying baby." Then she starts asking her questions about Ashley. Excellent.

Carly: "I know you wanna do it and all... but let's talk about your ex ..."
Me and Carly: "LESBIANS."

But The Lows Are So Extreme, The Highs Feel Fucking Cheap
Carmen: What was up with that girl there?
Spencer: Ashley? If you knew her, you'd get it.
Carmen: Get what?
Spencer: Ashley. I know how she looks but it's not how she is. She can be tough 'til you get to know her and then she's funny, and surprising and challenging and a pain in the ass
Carmen: You sound like you're in love with her or something
Spencer: I mean, we used to date but it was kind of intense and it's over now. Want me to show you how over? [moves in for the kiss]
Carmen: What? I'm not intense enough for you? I'm not surprising and funny enough?
Spencer: Yeah, Carmen, you're all of those things --
Carmen: Then what is she? 'Cause from where I'm standing, she seems like a phony white trash bitch.

Me: She can see Ashley from where she's standing?
Carly: That man at the door is a ghost!

Spencer: She's not. Look, she's had a hard time, her Dad died--
Carmen: Your brother died. Like she's the only one who's ever had a crappy life? Why do you keep defending her?
Spencer: I'm not defending her, I'm just saying that it's cause --
Carmen: You're still in love with her.
Spencer: What? Where're you getting that from?
Carmen: You can't even deny it. Did you just bring me there to make her jealous?
[Pushes all of Chelsea's shit onto the floor]
Spencer: No Carmen, I wanted to be with you I didn't even wanna go there--
Carmen: But you did, for HER, you went there for HER--
Spencer: You need to stop freaking out, let me help--
Carmen: I'm not your community service project!
Spencer: Calm down!
Carmen: Don't tell me to calm down!
[Shoves her against the wall]

Where's DJ Boss When You Need Him?

This fight is pretty ridiculous, but still, I get goosebumps and almost cry. I don't really wanna talk about it. Okay, yeah I do: if they wanted to explore this issue, it woulda been better to wait. Let Spencer and Carmen establish themselves a bit. As is: Carmen looks insane, and it's pretty easy for Spencer to walk away so early in the game. She's got very little at stake here. They coulda set up a connection that might make her reaction to this event and her subsequent actions relating to it more relevant and interesting. So anyhow: moving on!

If She Was Your Community Service Project, This Might be a Good Opportunity
To Get a New One. Maybe You Could Work at a Soup Kitchen or something.

We're like WHOA!


310-Spashley: All You Need to Save Me Is Just Call
The Content: A clearly distraught Spencer is talking to a clearly remoreseful Ashley, who's apologising for not putting her friend on the list. She asks if they went somewhere else, but Spencer says she doesn't want to talk about it. Then she looks on the computer screen and sees that Kyla is on the internet in that hideous 2002 Clearance Rack Express Lingerie Knockoff Thing and tells Spencer she'll have to call her back.
Future Prognosis: Not good for anyone individually, but good for Spashley as a Spashley.
Final Result: +2


This Kind of Thing Never Really Works Out Well for Anyone.

I'm sorry, but this is a white trash bitch, and anyone who's seen the David Lynch film 'Freeway' should know not to fuck with white trash bitches or you'll get your body blown to bits.

Kyla: He's a fashion photographer.
Jake: Blogger, actually.

That's when I threw up a little bit in my mouth. Really Jake? Really? Ew. I gotta hand it to this actor: I really do believe that he's a smarmy douchebag. Good acting, weirdo.

The Round-Up
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ZERO this episode, THREE total
Papi's Top Fashion Award: Ashley's Zebra Dress
Spashley Phonethon TOTAL: -2

'til next time ...


  1. Anonymous said...

    From one Michigan grad to another - woohoo! - you guys ROCK once again. A great recap and if it wasn't 1 in the morning I would offer up some more astute and witty comments. LOVED the Best Years shout-out (that man is a ghost line), I bwah-ha-ed out loud.

    Is it me or is Gabby getting hotter with each episode? Interesting that they are setting up Spashley love again, though it seems a bit early in the season, considering what I've read in the interviews with G and M - but we will see what happens. I am sort of hoping for a 'oops, Spence gets drunk and shows up at Ash's emancipated teen apartment and they sleep together but then all regrets the next morning and then they don't get back together for a little while so we have more tension and secret pining' plotline.

    But that's just me. And perhaps that particular plot would resemble my college years a bit too much - and now I've come full circle. Go Blue!  

  2. Hopeless Savage said...

    Haha, totally aces.
    You're so wrong, you have not lost the hilarity at all :-P
    Another fine entry, this blog and the AfterEllen VBlog go hand in hand with SoN for me now. I really look forward to my Tuesdays :-D
    I didn't pick up on the 'I totally went down on you last night' at first! Which is weird coz i'm always perving stuff up.
    But I just rewatched it now and yup, it sooo soudns like that :-P
    Roll on next week!  

  3. Edilma said...

    Oh damn! just when i started to like Carmen hahahaha

    So youtube sucks and i haven't seen the episode yet, but i had to read the recap :D

    I can't wait to see Spencer on her underware.

    By the way, you have a fan in Venezuela, wich is also in South that counts? :D  

  4. riese said...

    anonymous: GO BLUE! Spencer is getting hotter with each episode, it's because she was a girl but not yet a woman, and now she's becoming more of a woman. I think your oops sounds amazing! BRILL! Way to bring it back around at the end there, nice!


    hs: Also brill rewinding for extra opps to perv it up, ha. Usually I get this done before Tuesday, but we've been so crazy busy filming our own little teevee show promo thingie that I've been swamped.


    edilma: re: carmen I KNOW RIGHT? youtube does suck, I keep trying to find clips of that show sugar rush and I can't. They need to just fess up and put out the new best episodes of everything. Can you buy it on itunes? I actually had to this week because I couldn't get new DV-Rs without standing in the back-to-school line at Staples, which woulda been too much. Anyhow the recap I think is longer, so there's that. Hahah.

    South America is a hot place for a fan to come from, totes.


    (the level of retardation evident in these comments is indicative of my overall genius wit at 1:39 AM after filming all night, and then going to bed to wake up in four hours and um, film! I don't even have time to fix my own butchered haircut, oh well. I'm like 'totes!' awesome! brill! amazing! bwahah~!!)  

  5. arlan said...

    just found this blog LOVE it. i'll be checking it out often:-)  

  6. carlytron said...

    This show needs to get its shit together already.

    Also: maybe Spencer will join a gang?  

  7. Edilma said...

    I finally saw it...weirdest episode ever.

    You are always funny, it's the episode that sucked!


  8. Anonymous said...

    what's with ashley's clothes when she's on the phone? I mean.. WHERE ARE THEY?! not that I'm complaining.. but seriously.. there's no need to strip on every conversation.. it's not like spencer can see her..  

  9. anna and a.h. said...

    we can't wait for the next one, the episode SUCKED. you are all hot as usual, like the new "cast members." youre right, carmen was over before she began.....keep up the good work!

    your friends in the village-
    anna and a.h.  

  10. riese said...

    welcome arian!

    I agree, it seems like Ashley's lack-of-clothing is the closest we're gonna get to action this season, anyhow, yeah? It's like the writers want to give us some real action ... but stop short of going all the way.

    I hope Spencer joins a gang. This show needs to GET IT'S SHIT TOGETHER!

    If we weren't in the worst last minute writeathon of all time, we would have watched the next episode and I'd be recapping it right now. But we're gonna. Like, this evening. Fo'sho. Etc. Maybe you'll see it before us this time, edilma? ..:--)  

  11. Anonymous said...

    at least you said "NOT creepy fans in peru".. ehmm.. I'm from peru.. uhmm.. yeah..  

  12. Edilma said...

    hahahaha i doubt it riese, but i'll try :P  

  13. Lozo said...

    i can't believe how much you wrote about a tv show. you kids are nuts.  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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