AUTOSTRADDLE HAS MOVED! Check out the new autostraddle at !!

This week we introduce a few new features:
1. Per Carly's suggestion, "The Papi Award," bestowed upon the worst "fashion" of each episode.
2. "1-310-Spashley," which will feature an in-depth analysis of Spashley's Phone Conversations. [Did anyone else notice they didn't interact face-to-face this episode?] For example, if Spencer were to say "What are you wearing?" and Ashley responded 'Just a bra and a mini-skirt, obvs!' that would be a "Very Promising" convo. +10!

1. Was there a 10-for-the-price-of-1 sale on necklaces at Claire's this week? Man or woman, gay or straight, cool or uncool--everyone this episode got at least one bad necklace, or three at once. Or, hypothetically, a random key around their neck. What happened to the girl with the tie?
2. How cool is it that all of our questions from last week were answered this week? Like; the title of the "True Life" episode and ... I guess that's it. I still think it's possible that Spencer could be cuter. For example; she could take off some clothing and make out with a girl.
3. Because still, re: 1 and re: 2, what the f is that key around Glen's neck for? I'm hoping it has something to do with Magic. Like maybe there is a secret tunnel somewhere, and it goes to a Magical Land of Lesbians.
4. Um, 8 pm called and it wants its show back. Seriously the TV guide said the show was on at 8. It's always been on at 8. Then they had to show a re-run of Degrassi I've seen no less than 5,000 times, followed by something else long and boring, and THEN, THEN, by the time Carly and I were completely blasted, a show which we believe, if we think really hard and try to remember last night, was "South of Nowhere."
5. This isn't a question, really but ... go here. Now.

Don't let this grid deceive you. There is no South of Nowhere at 8pm. I don't know about those other shows, I wouldn't put it past them to be also lying about "Scarred" and "Final Justice." I don't know what else is on the TV anymore, because I have time for only one show a week, and it is this show.

Carly: This theme song isn't good, write that down.
Me: Because no one ever actually GETS WASTED. They're all underage!

Luckily, we're not. [Underage.]


Toto, We're Not on Craigslist Anymore
Ashley and her Mom are browsing real estate, Ashley's got her eye on a Malibu beach house currently selling for $12.2 million. Ashley tells her Mom that they're not going to live together, and Kyla says that's good because high end real estate is not a good investment. I don't know what's wrong with the house they have right now, except that Spencer isn't in it.

Carly: Ashley is wearing a wallet chain as a necklace, FYI.
Me: I think that's a mini-version of Alice's necklace from the Season Four Finale.

That would be this necklace. Let it be said that Alice's donnage of this particular accessory did not and does not, in any way, affect how we feel about her. In that we love her. Now and forever.
The dramatic crux of this episode is the airing of the MTV True Life documentary, which they kindly tell us is on at 10. They better double check that on Just sayin'.

If This is What You Meant by "Something More Meaningful," Then Ur ... Count Me Out.
Kyla, all dressed up for her sit-in on Haight-Ashbury, tells Ashley that she's saving her half of the money. Ashley asks Kyla what she's gonna do when Ashley moves out to her Malibu beach house -- live on the street? Luckily, Kyla's already dressed up for street life. She'll fit right in. If I passed her on the street, I'd give her a dollar. Hell, I'd give her a lot more than a dollar wink wink. Sigh whatever.

Me: What the fuck, is she about to meditate or something? What is going ON with the caftan?
Carly: She's got a Buddha candle right over there ...
Me: She's like, in the position.
Carly: Bette called, she wants her season three outfit back!

Kyla suggests they get a loft together. This seems to be a pattern in shows about high school kids. They're like "Let's find a way to get you out from under parental supervision and into your own place so you can throw one of those parties where everyone gets drunk and pregnant and/or raped/drug-overdosed etc." Who remembers Dylan's little vista on "90210"? Yeah, you do. So I think they're gonna get a loft together, hot, I hope they throw a party.

When I Think "Art Model" I think "Glen." WHAT?!!!!!
For some reason I cannot even begin to comprehend, Chelsea's decided to draw a portrait of Glen and use her failure to produce a Monet from this as evidence of why she should drop out of her art class. That's like if I tried to write about a really bad television show and then used my failure to produce an Alan Ball from this as evidence of why I should drop out of writing. I'm not talking about South of Nowhere, P.S. Luckily, I'm also a very talented artist. See:
That's my picture I drew of Glen.

I take my art very seriously, obvs.

Glen says Chelsea is "probably really freaked about being pregnant." Then, he actually says: "women and their hormones." I don't have to comment on that, right? Okay, moving on. Then the MTV promo comes on. The announcer, who is NOT the regular "True Life" announcer, but rather someone more ominous, says that: "Clay Carlin took a date to the prom and never made it home." Understandably, Spencer doesn't want to undergo the trauma of watching this documentary, obviously. I mean, it just happened. Poor Spence. (ASHLEY HUG HER RIGHT NOW) I love her Dad, even if he's wearing a tablecloth instead of an apron. It's okay. Sometimes all that hot chili goes straight to your brainspace.

You Know What We COULD Watch as a Family Though? "HEY PAULA"!!! HOLLA!
I get little goosebumps actually when the preview starts, because that would be like, on a scale of one to ten, Totes Traumatic, to have to watch a "doc" about your dead brother? Anyhow, I deal with this how most mature people deal with tragedy, which is with a drink.

When times get tough, Team Awesome recommends Absolut Ruby Red and Red Bull.

(That sign says "Drunk: No Comment." I made that sign, so I know what it says.
I saw "the sign," if you will.")
*Carly: I think the viewers at home would like to know that I'm wearing skinny jeans.
Carly: 10 bucks she's on the phone with Ashley.
Me: No, it'll be like, Chelsea or something.
Carly: It's Ashley.
New Regular Feature-1-310-Spashley:

The first two are retroactive from last episode, obvs. I don't feel like going back, so let's just start them out at zero.
1-310-Spashley #3
Content: Spencer wants to know if it ever gets easier. Ashley says she still thinks about her Dad all the time, but it gets easier -- you'll have your good days and your bad days. Spencer asks why life is so hard, but Ashley says that's why she just runs away from it. She then mentions that a publicist keeps emailing her about "EGO," a party and asks if Spencer would like to attend. Spencer is like "fashion, clubbing, not really my scene."
Future Prospects: It's good that Spencer's gone to Ashley when she feels sad, it means she must still trust her and rely on her. However, Ashley's discussion of the EGO party seems to suggest that trouble is in store for this dynamic duo. Also, there's the running away from hard things subtext. Whatever happened to Cabo? I'm confused.
Final Result: +1 on the Spashley Call-A-Thon.
Me: Hang on -- I think they're about to talk about something that could give me emotions.
Carly: Emotions? What're emotions?
Me: We had those, remember? Back in the day? Like, in February?
Carly: Oh yeah. I had A LOT of emotions in February.
R.I.P.: Team Rebound's Emotions.

Carly: How old is the actress that plays Ashley again?
Me: Urr ... 22 I think? Why?
[looks up, sees why.]
Carly: This scene is called "Ashley's tits call Spencer."
Me: Dude look at her sitting there in her bra! This is totes gratuitous, no wonder it's on at 10!
Carly: Dude, they are going to fuck in this episode, that's why it's at ten.

True Life: Having Nothing Whatsoever to Do With True Life
Aiden wants to change his number because everyone keeps calling him about the "True Life" documentary. Madison asks if he's still gonna watch it. "Why? I lived it," he says. Um, Aiden, news flash: "docs" and reality shows don't have anything to do with what actually happened! Just ask Carly, she worked on Hogan Knows Best for two years, and, FYI, readers, Hogan does actually not know best. So there you go. They glance over at Chelsea, chillin' by the memorial with her hand resting wistfully on Baby Clay ...

Carly: Whoa! NOW she looks pregnant all of a sudden--what happened between last episode and this episode?
Me: She got pregnant?


Has This Ever Worked? Like, EVER?
This guy wants to know if Spencer is still gay. Then he asks if she'd be interested in making a video with some cheerleading girls who'd love to make out with her just to get close to a football player like him. This guy is not a smooth operator. He should take some lessons from Aiden "Pimptastic" Dennison. Spencer's like "where are you going with this?" Except the thing is, he kinda already WENT THERE. With that. (You know what else goes there? Degrassi. AT EIGHT.) What's on the inside of her locker? Are those Angelina Jolie photos? Ashley Davies photos? Surprisingly -- both to us and to Spencer -- Madison saves the day.
It's a bird, it's a plane, it's MADISON!
Spencer: "Why're you doing this?"
[Here comes Madison to Save the Day!!]
Madison: "Why? That's easy, isn't it Corey? See those who can, do--
Corey: "Shut up Madison."
Madison: "--and those who can't--do Pay Per View."
(Ooo snap!)
(urrr ...)

"Actually, I'd prefer a Box Lunch..."
Madison asks Spencer if she "gets that a lot," and Spencer says she doesn't. Oh, you will, my dear Spence. Just you wait, my hot little feminine lesbian. You have a long road of those kinds of questions coming atcha. Then Madison asks where Spencer's going for lunch. Obvs she replies: "the cafeteria." Madison has a better idea. Also, sidenote, I love these storylines. I think I've said that already, and I just said it again.

Heart Too Hot To Hold
The Principal's office is an awesome place to bond with other misfits. Chelsea, despite being "with child," is not the troublemaker in this sitch, however. That'd be Carmen, the New Lesbian, who, BTW, is wearing the worst shirt I've possibly ever seen in my life, IT HAS NECKLACES PRINTED ON IT, to go with this week's "necklace" theme. Because real lesbians don't wear necklaces unless they are those little single strands of black leather (you know what I mean), they gave the Real Lesbian a necklace t-shirt. Oh, right, the show: Carmen got detention for a week 'cause she was in the hallway without a hall pass. Also she had cigarettes. BADASS. She can give Ashley a run for her money. Actually, she can't, because Ashley has a lot of money, but she can give her a run for her Badassery.

Me: I like her eye makeup.
Carly: In that she's wearing it?
Me: Girl, her eye is totally lined.
Carly: There is no part of her eyes that is not lined.
Me: She's like Ancient Egypt, she's like Cleopatra.


Meanwhile, At The Planet

Madison has taken Spencer out to lunch at an "L.A. Icon" (*cough*theplanet) to discuss Spencer's state of loneliness, sans Ashley. Spencer, breaking our hearts with every word from her cute little mind, doesn't like being alone. She feels forlorn, clearly, and who wouldn't. Luckily, she lives in L.A. where Madison says she can find someone else, because:
Madison: "L.A. is full of young eligible lesbians."
Me: [starts conversation totally unrelated to this show and totally related to moving to L.A.]

This is actually from a different show, but who cares.

Spencer doesn't believe her so Madison starts pointing out the lesbians with her superior gaydar. Unfortunately, her gaydar gets distracted when she spots some dude who reminds us of the skater boy from "Clueless" and they make eyes. Bla. Anyhow, like Spencer said, way better than the cafeteria. Their school is either totally awesome, or these girls are gonna get in trouble and then have to go to detention, which would be AWESOME, because much like this restaurant, there are lesbians in detention.*

They Should Hire Brian Kinney to Spruce This Place Up

There are so many things going wrong with the outfits in this scene, I can barely even hear what they're saying, but I think it's that they want to buy this loft to get away from their Mom. What happened to these girls, and what on earth does Kyla have in that bag? Sounder?

Carmen, You Make Me Wanna Be a Better Artist
Aiden has an insufferable phone conversation with Ashley. Chelsea sits on the steps, drawing forlornly, when the New Lesbian Carmen appears. She's new to town and seems to be looking to make new friends, which makes me admire her already. She asks Chelsea if she dropped art class, but Chelsea's like "don't you have detention or something"? Sassy! I like Carmen's voice. It's kinda deep and sexy. I bet they cast this show from a group of voiceover artists. Carmen asks if Chelsea's gonna finish her sandwich, which makes me wonder if she's hungry and has no food at home, because that'd be a good storyline, like Andrea Zuckerman on 90210. I mean, The Zuck had food, but she was like the poor girl in the rich kid's school. Chelsea's not hungry, which leads me to believe she's gonna have a miscarriage.
Chelsea to Carmen: "I find your sarcasm inspiring."
All my life, I've been waiting for someone to say those words to me.

Also: the way she leans back on the steps to pose for Chelsea is very "fuck me now."

This inspired me to draw a picture of Carly. It looks just like her. At first, Carly couldn't tell the difference between her own face and my expert rendering of it. Don't believe me? See for yourself. Advanced Sketching. Psh.

Good, huh?

Who Writes BLOGS? Doesn't He Have Any REAL FRIENDS? What is this NONSENSE?!
Madison meets this dude named Jake, he has a blog, I don't wanna talk about it, everything about this convo annoyed me. He wants to interview her for his blog. Oh, gross, he's writing a book, he has an ugly banner:

Stef: My Auto-Win banner is better than their banner. Also, Carly's banner is better and she made it herself.

This is how we feel about your banner and your little bloggity blog, JAKE. Shy-Town. CLEVER.

If I Ever Feel Better, Remind to Spend Some Good Time With You
OK, so Chelsea drew Carmen/Blossom. Chelsea asks Spencer what she thinks of the picture and Spencer digs it, and then Carmen says to Chelsea, "Next time, do her. It'll be way hotter." Did everyone catch that? Next time DO HER? It'll be WAY HOTTER? Bow-bucka-BOWWWWWW. Chelsea says "Someone thinks you're hot!" Everyone's gaydar is going off today except Spencer's, poor lonely little lez. She'll get it together soon enough. Hopefully soon enough to ... okay.


This is Not What It Looks Like It Could Be
First we thought maybe Chelsea was about to have that miscarriage, but it turned out to be her baby kicking, and Spencer's really excited, she puts her hand on the belly to feel little Baby Portard. Huh. Maybe we were wrong about the miscarriage thing. If it comes out, it'll come out kickin'! JK. Um, that's not funny.


Our Lips Aren't Sealed
There are many occasions (read: so many that we aren't even phased by it anymore) during which
Carly and I say the exact same thing
at the exact same time.

Carly: 1978 called they want their shirt back --
Me: 1984 called they want their shirt back ---
Here's what we'd like to do with that necklace, in honor of that shirt:


What Are You Wearing? What am I Wearing?
Kyla is the actual pod person in this family, because she's totally adopted a brand new personality. I mean, wha happened, fo' reals, to this girl. She wants her and Ashley to go to this party because it is free. Ashley tells her nothing in life is free. Good point, Ash. Public school though. That's free. Have you ever thought about attending? Just an idea. No pressure. Obviously do whatever you want, as it is your life, and therefore, as Britney Spears once sang, you need time, joy, you need space, you need You. Say hello, to the girl that you are! Even if she's dressed like a cheap whore!

Kyla doesn't want to go by herself so Ashley agrees to go. That was easy. Easier than Ashley herself, even.

Kyla says "Lez go!"
I Thought You Were Gonna Do Spencer Next Time!! That Would Be Hot!

Carly: That is not Glen.
Me: It is so Glen, they're re-using the same paper.

Does this look like a bad sketch of a member of N'Sync to anyone else? Just checking. Anyhow, apparently Carmen has inspired Chelsea to get back to the drawing board. Get it? See what I did there? Glen is enjoying this a little bit too much.

OK. Then Who Do We Blame?
His shirt says "Can't Blame the Youth." Yeah, Seriously, It Does.
There are so many things about this outfit that are so extraordinary. The hair. The combo of those two shirts, each totally hideous on their own accord. Glen. I almost want to give you the ... it's just such a tough choice this episode.

Chelsea's gonna go home and watch "True Life" with her family so she has to cut this portrait-sitting session short. They're probably hoping that it'll be as good as the other ones they've watched together as a family like True Life: I'm on Crystal Meth and True Life: I'm a Jersey Shore Girl. Glen wishes he had Chelsea's family because then he wouldn't have to wait for Spencer to feel "emotionally ready" to watch it. Glen says: "He was my brother, too and it feels unfair to him, like she's just blocking it all out." Durrr ... I wasn't aware there were other ways to deal with tragedy? There are? What are they? I'm confused.

Glen asks Chelsea what turned her around, she says it's possible she's looking for closure.


I Want My MTV.

This is like an ad for MTV. Glen wants to watch the show, but his parents insist they wait for Spencer. "We should watch it together, as a family," say the parents. Then Spencer comes home; she's had an emotional breakthrough. Now she realises what everyone needs is to sit down and watch MTV together as a family. Get it? MTV. Watch it together as a family. Okay, cool guys. MTV: Fun for the whole family. I hope they stick around for Real World: Sydney afterwards. Or Elimidate.

You Are a Party and I Am A School Night

Meanwhile back in Hoo-Ville, I mean, HOE-ville, Aiden comes to pick up Ashley, dressed like Ellen. Ashley clearly digs it and tells him: "Wow, you clean up nice." She's used to seeing him in the barnyard with all the livestock, knee-deep in manure and Glen.
Carly: He has lesbian collar.
Me: He has Ellen collar.
[P.S. We LOVE Ellen, and may or may not've spent thirty minutes discussing the precise nature of our love for Ellen right before this show.]

And If There's Nothing Left to Say, I'll String You Along Until I Get My Way

Aiden says something annoying and they make out a little. She tells him that Kyla's going too, they're going "as a Sister Act." Kyla looks great FINALLY. Aiden agrees, in fact, on a scale of 1 to 10, he gives her a 100,000. See, he doesn't even know how numbers work. Guess which one of these kids is still in school? Aiden. Weird, right?

Carly: Did she say they're gonna go see Sister Act?
Me: No, actually she said Sister Act 2.
Carly: Oh, I love that movie!


Me: Looks like a ghost walked through the door!
Carly: Dude he just saw a ghost!


True Life: Heartbroken
The scene of Spencer's family is spliced in with scenes of Ashley and Kyla dancing at the party--Ashley is dealing with her problems by pretending they don't exist, and Spencer's left at home to face reality. Reality for Spencer right now is not so good.

Glen asks Spencer: "What made you change your mind about watching the doc?" Then Carly and I started making the "MTV doc" sound effects (poorly) to each other and missed the next five minutes of the show. Apparently there was a moving moment abut Chelsea's baby being their grandchild. Hey Paula and Nice Dad touch each other endearingly, thinking about what joy they feel re: bringing new life into the world that Ashley just described as "violent" and full of people who hurt each other. Like how she hurt Spencer. We'd like to give her a hug, p.s.


When You Miss Girls So Much You Start Creating Sexual Tension With Your Sister, You Know You Need Some P***y


And If You Wanna Dance, If She Wants to Lead, I'll Go Out of My Way, I'll Do Anything
And One Word is All I Need
Ashley continues to bring on the pain by making out with Aiden at the club while her sister looks on. "So, which one of us is a better kisser?" Kyla asks, and Aiden offers to perform an experiment to get to the bottom of this quandry. Ashley says "No, fun's over!" That's not what you're supposed to say, Ashley, that doesn't even make sense. Still, I wish they'd all make out. I can't really defend that statement, it's just how I feel.


1-310 Spashley #4: Hello? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me, Is There Anyone At Home?
Content: Spencer calls Ashley before bed, pointing out that the calling-before-bed thing is not going to work out if they don't go to bed at the same time. She still acts all earnest, like "Hope you're having fun!" Which is code for: "I hope you're having a miserable godawful time, missing me with every fibre of your being, thinking of all the wrong you've done to me, and wishing you could make things right, and p.s., good luck with that, feel free to start any time soon." She tells Ashley to call her back, even if it's late. I feel sad for her.
Future Prospects: This is bad bad news.
Final Results: -5
Me: "I've totally left those messages."
Carly: "We've all left these messages."


The Davies Girls: They're Just like US!
Kyla: "Hold on, I'm having an epiphany. Britney, G-d bless her, is a whack job, Lindsay is in and out of rehab, and Paris is not getting any younger. We are in the perfect place to be the next big thing! We could be the next it girls, the Davies girls!"
Kyla, like me and Carly, is TRASHED. Kyla's falling all over herself, all super-sexified, rambling about how they could be the next thing because there are two of them, so they've got each other covered. Ashley goes "there you go, throwing that 'us' word around again." Yeah, US Weekly!

Also, I didn't realise that Lindsay and Britney weren't other characters in the show until like a minute after that scene ended, possibly because by this point Carly and I were so drunk we could barely sit up straight.

Hello, Spencer Carlin, Wanton Sex Goddess
Back at Spencer's, the phone rings. She picks up: "I was hoping you'd call." Then our hearts broke wide open and spilled onto the floor because obvs it wasn't Ashley, it was Madison, who's gonna go out with some lame-ass blogger. Who goes out with bloggers? Weirdo.

The Round Up
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 0, Total: 1
Spashley Phoneathon: -4

The Papi Award for Worst Fashion of the Week (I can't decide!)
You tell me:
1. Caremen's Necklace Shirt
2. Ashley and Kyla's Apartment-Hunting Getups
3. Glen's Bad-Shirt-on-Bad-Shirt Combo


  1. Anonymous said...

    You guys ROCK!! These recaps have made my week. THANK YOU. I'm glad someone else noticed the club scenes with Kyla and Ash - it's like, 'hello, Ash, you may miss girls but Kyla is your SISTER, for f's sake.' Tho Musgrave was killing me in the club scene - that new straight hair is a very good thing. Why are they dressing Kyla like a New Age housewife? Weirdness. 1-310-Ashley is brilliant, can we call? Very excited for the Emancipated Teen Apartment - the bastion of all good teen shows. This show is starting to have more gratuitous scantily cladness than One Tree Hill, thank zeus. Oh, and the last scene was killer, poor sweet (hot) Spencer. Keep up the good work, gals!  

  2. Anonymous said...


    I thought this episode was icky poo poo...

    No girls kissing...

    No lines about peanut butter...

    And that's pretty much all that matters in life so ick ick poo poo.  

  3. The Spaz said...

    I love the recaps! I'm also slightly drunk so it took me a while to correct my spelling...

    1. I totally remember Dylan's whole I'm a rich guy whose dad's not around let's do bad things at my place place!

    2. I love that Kyla could fit Sounder in her pocketbook! A trip to the vet the other day reminded me of that whole Gentle Manatees thing.

    3. Nice call on the Carmen/Blossom, I knew she looked familiar!

    4. I hope Kyla's mom shows up and cramps her style because something tells me she'd be ghetto fabulous...

    5. The more I see it the more I dislike Aiden's hair. Its taken a turn for the emo...

    7. Also if there's only two of you guys there who's taking the pictures? Unless you guys are like really rockin the timer?!?  

  4. carlytron said...

    I thought that nothing happened in this episode. Then I realized I was drunk when I watched it so maybe a lot happened? Then I read this and realized that no, there was no plot progression here, just the introduction of New Lesbian Carmen. Who, tragically, is not played by Sarah Shahi.

    Ok here are my thoughts:

    1. The key part of the skinny jeans thing is that I've never owned pants that tight, not even when I was a little kid (I was partial to Hammer Pants or any other pants that had elastic at the ankles, don't ask). I'm more of a boot fit girl myself (Gap Long and Leans, what-what!). So the skinny jeans are really exciting, although according to Ryan, "they're not that skinny."

    2. I still can't believe that Ashley called Spencer wearing a bra and underwear. This is better than the L Word!

    3. Speaking of OurChart -- I mean the L Word -- I mean OurChart -- maybe Spencer could go out one night (with Madison, looking for young single lesbians in LA) and end up on "While You Were Out" -- such crossover potential!

    4. Also, re: Carmen. Spencer has a type, for reals. I love Spencer. So gay.

    5. Also also, re: when Glen is wearing 2 fug shirts at once. You forgot to mention our combined HORROR at the possibility of a Glen/Chelsea romance, as they sorta had a "moment" in that scene. Gross.

    6. And finally, I love how on this show, they can't show anyone drinking, so they just show them drunk and there are never any explanations offered up. Love that.  

  5. carlytron said...

    the spaz: I agree, Aiden needs a haircut. And we use PhotoBooth on Riese's MacBook, which is the greatest invention ever.  

  6. inga said...

    i know there were no kissing girls this time, what the hell? Ha! Riese though you always make me laugh when its been a long day so thank you for that! I would call 1-310-Spashley and tell Spencer Id give ehr a a hug. You two are totally HOT! LUVE the photos. You should drink more often during recaps!!!  

  7. riese said...

    anon: You are totally welcome. Yeah I thought the sexual tension between them was weird. Are they 100% related? I can't remember. I never saw One Tree Hill, but it sounds terrif. Also I've already incorporated "Thank Zeus" into my vocabulary.


    c: You are so right. I had peanut butter today in three different contexts though. Personally.



    Har, Gentle Manatees. Ha ha.

    Oh we have PhotoBooth on my macbook. That's how all these photos've been taken for all the recaps, except for when Layla did photos. Rocking the timer is way more expertise than we have now. I don't know maybe Carly could do it though because she knows best.

    Yeah Aiden is not doing well in my book this season. Weirdo.


    Totes re: pants. I had MC Hammer Pants, obvs, several pairs. Obviously as the viewer in my home, I did notice your skinny jeans and felt you were quite hip. I think for you they are very skinny, Ryan is underestimating your powers.

    I like crossover potential.

    She does have a type. Type BADASS. That's like, Type B/A.

    Dude Glen omg, waaa.



    I am going to call 1-310-Spashley right now and give her a poke like on facebook, and then a big hug. It'll be like a real life hug, except not real, but I told her I'd call her before I go to bed.  

  8. riese said...

    Oh also spaz: Totes re Kyla's Mom. So they are not 100% related, which means they could still make out. JK! Totes JK.  

  9. stef said...

    i didn't read this cos i have never seen this show, but i looked at pictures. how many COSTUME changes happened here? seriously! when i'm drunk i'm lucky if i can keep ONE outfit on. wtf.  

  10. Katie said...

    Dude, I love your recaps! You guys should've done this since the very beginning of the series cause y'all are freaking hilarious, and I'd like to know what your thoughts were on the episodes!  

  11. Anonymous said...

    I've realised today that this show is the american version of Sugar Rush (which was cruelly taken away from us) only without the drugs, prison, sex and crime sprees (and a set of parents who go to swingers parties and use a sex swing - can't really see Hey Paula being up for that).

    If it goes the same way as Sugar Rush there'll be sexual tension for ages until Ashley decides to be all grown up about it and they stop fucking because Ashley will always break poor Spencer's heart.

    I hope it doesn't turn out like that. I hope Aiden dies.  

  12. riese said...


    Obviously we couldn't keep just one outfit on while drunk, that's why we had to keep changing! [G-d, I'm funny. I am SO FUNNY.] No but actually; the base remained the same [me=blue tank top, carly=white t]. At intervals, I added Carly's black vest [I really want a vest but can't seem to find any that fit me and that are also probs free] and my striped hoodie, and Carly added a red vest and a scarf to her ensemble. See, that's the kind of resourcefulness the SON people could use.

    Also, I live for costume changes.



    I know right? I actually don't think I knew anyone who watched this show besides me when it first came on. When we get rich and our teevee show gets on the air and we become lesbians of leisure, we'll recap the first two seasons like WHOA. Carly, roger that.



    I have heard so much about this Sugar Rush! Sometimes I wish Hey Paula was secretly kinky or something, but it doesn't seem right. I think the sexual tension between them is probably what'll keep us hooked as they do on all teevee shows --which's why the extraneous straight girls need to convert or get replaced ASAP with other lezzies for the girls to date!


  13. El N said...

    Win, I love you for recapping my favorite guilty pleasure, so awesome, so funny! Sounder in Kyla's bag = brilliant. And Carly, I think I love you for bringing the kink to these recaps with the tie-me-up striped thing!  

  14. Amanda said...

    I think Glen's outfit deserves the award. It was short of disgusting. I agree that the episode was icky poo poo due to the lack of Spashley make-outs and the surplus of man kissing. Ugh.  

  15. Anonymous said...

    OK, first of all, I love, love, love reading what you write. Your recaps of SoN are better than the show. I've been reading your blog for a while and am now addicted to it. In short, you rule.

    And then I was reading your recap of ep. 2 and you were talking about Kyla and Ashley at the club and it slammed the incestuous vibes eminating from that scene. And it really bothered me. I've never done anything incestual, but I've also never done a guy, and society gives me a lot of s**t for that. So I created in my head these two girls who were sisters separated at birth and who met and fell in love, only to find out they were sisters and no one anywhere would offer them a shoulder. I actually lost sleep over this because I've never thought about it before, and I was all ready to write in and say, "Hey, we shouldn't be judging people who do stuff that doesn't hurt anyone else, no matter how weird or depraved it might seem." And then I re-read the recap and it wasn't there. Maybe it never was or maybe you pulled it, but then that's all one. But I thought I should at least get this crap off my chest because it's making me want to scream. SOOO, thanks, and keep up the great work!
    Katie -- Cincinnati  

  16. Edilma said...

    This episode sucked, thank God we have you :D

    So the new lesbian name was Carmen? really? I was too distracted by her to hear her name hahahahah, she's cute, I hope her and Spencer make out :D


  17. riese said...

    El N: I'd also like to thank Carly for bringing the kink to my living room with that smokin' hot scarf.


    Amanda: Yeah, I'm inclined towards Glen. It was just like, just remove one of those shirts, you know, that's all?



    Thanks! I do rule, don't I? Yeah, I rule. I feel like incest is different because of like, health risks? And I don't think there was anything in the recapping slamming their vibe, cos I didn't really even pay attention enough last season to know if they were actually related anyhow. Seriously at this point I don't care who makes out as long as someone does.



    I couldn't hear her name either, nor could I find it on the N website! Eventually I looked on IMDB, but I seriously wrote the recap the first time around calling her "Kailin" and "Karlyn" alternatively. Then 'Karmen.' I don't know what's wrong with me. Well, I have some ideas.

    Besos right back atcha.  

  18. Anonymous said...

    Kyla and Ash are half-sisters...

    One Tree Hill used to be on the WB, now the CW. It's total guilty pleasure trash that takes itself too seriously - it's unintentionally hilarious and ridiculous, and this is why I love it. Oh, and two words: SOPHIA BUSH. Is all I'm saying.

    Glad you like 'thank zeus' - being a non-believer in higher powers of any sort, I try to avoid using references to such...

    Carlytron, LOVE your comment about how no one is shown drinking, they just show up drunk - amazing. And a beautiful thing - sort of describes my college years.  

  19. Anonymous said...

    Hey Riese, thanks for the reply. You're right, there was no slamming in the recap, I think I was a little bothered by the following in the comments:
    "So they are not 100% related, which means they could still make out. JK! Totes JK."
    Why just kidding? I'm totally not trying to be oversensitive, but if someone had said that about Ashley and Spencer's lesbian relationship, it would have been totally, totally unacceptable. But because it was about sisters, it seems like it is OK to marginalize them.
    And I know that people say that incest has health risks, but they said that (and some still do) about homosexual activity not too long ago. And really, what kind of health risks could Ashley and her half-sister face? I know there is an increased risk of birth defects for immediate family members who breed, but no more than any two people who share the same negative recessive traits, regardless of the distance of their relation. And who says you can't practice safe incest sex?
    Sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult, and I'm also not trying to be a proponent of incest. I just think that people too easily hit those who are universally despised, and, not feeling too far removed from such a position, I hate to see it. I came out almost five years ago, and even in these better times, there has been some awful stuff I've been through, so just think how it would be for others who have literally no traction in the national debate.

    OK, I know that's long and I don't mean any offense. It's been a really sh***y couple of weeks and I'm really sensitive right now. But I still love your stuff and can't wait to read your next recap!
    Much love...

    Katie -- Cincinnati  

  20. carlytron said...

    el n: I was unaware I was bringing any kink with the scarf, I just like the scarf. I guess it did prove to be useful in that the show was so godawful this week.

    anon: Sorta describes my college years too. Except these kids are supposed to be in high school, which makes it even funnier.

    riese: Maybe we need even MORE costume changes next time? Or a theme? Haha.  

  21. riese said...


    [disclaimer: I still love that you're a fan, and glad that you'll keep reading despite your offense. That being said, I gotta respond because it's just in my nature.]

    OK. Here's the thing:

    1. I make fun of everything. I make fun of everything and everyone, most of all myself. So me JKing about anything is barely indicative of me stating that it's either a good thing or a bad thing. It's just me making a joke.

    2. 10-15% of college-aged students report some sort of sexual activity with a sibling. I've heard stories, even from friends.

    Have you read Flowers in the Attic? JK. (Totes JK)

    See, I can't stop. Maybe you're right. I make fun of gay people too, really.

    Anyhow, I think the taboo comes from things like; if you grow up in the same home with someone, and you see them naked and you see them in diapers and you maybe even sleep in the same room and so on, usually for an attraction to develop from that is natural and perhaps normal .... but also generally unhealthy if it extends into adult development ... many writers have done well on the topic; Dorothy Allison, Michelle Tea, Miranda July, etc.

    But I think that a good portion of the taboo develops from the fact that within the home, there is potential for abuse/molestation/etc. -- and that for an attraction to develop in that kind of environment is potentially troubling. Like anyone you live with or are tied to in a permanent way.

    4. I'm certainly willing to be convinced that things can happen which overcome these boundaries -- I feel like I actually did recently read a story about a brother and sister who fell in love or something but I can't remember where it was.

    Had I seen a genuine love story develop between Ashley and Kyla, I would not be JKing. If I'd seen them fall in love when reunited and then develop an incredible affection for one another, then I probably wouldn't judge for precisely the reasons that you state.

    After all, they didn't grow up together, and these things happen. It happened to Maybey and George Michael.

    5. Homosexuality is an orientation. It's a proclivity towards a particular sexual practice that enables attraction towards a specific gender, that gender being your own. 50% of the population, so to speak.

    Incest is not an orientation.

    Maybe it is -- but it seems an awfully limited orientation. I mean, being homosexual, you can choose from any number of partners. Incest the description of an act between two related persons. If your orientation is "incest," you're going to have a tough time in the dating world, methinks.

    It would seem easier to just like, fall for someone who's not your blood relative than it would to fall for a different gender.

    6. Anyhow the main point is that I was just JKing. I get what you're saying, but do you get what I'm saying?  

  22. katie said...

    What? I got confused for a minute cause there's another Katie here. Cool name by the way, Katie. =)

    Girls, I'm gonna hold you guys to that--the whole recapping thing from the very beginning...even though Carly hasn't officially agreed yet. She WILL do it, right Riese? Don't toy with my feelings. =P  

  23. riese said...

    Katie Who-Just-Commented:

    Oh, she'll do it alright.

    I'd never toy with your feelings, obvs!  

  24. Anonymous said...

    Katie the First -- thanks I like your name, too! That's why I put Katie from Cincinnati (no relation to John, btw, thank God)

    Riese, it's very cool of you to respond to my nagging rants, and with such grace. I'll drop it where it is as more discussion would, I think, lead us in circles. And I think I'm afflicted with a cetain degree of contrarianitis that requires me to take the side of almost anyone who is alone... almost (Castro can suck it).
    I keep thinking of this quote I heard and can't quite remember fully, b/c I only heard it once. But it was really cool, and all you need is the punchline, really. This guy is saying how 'they' came for these various groups and destroyed them, but he said nothing, because he was not one of them, and finally (something like) "now they are coming for me, and there is no one left to speak up for me."
    Dang, how'd did I get from Spashly tonguing to this?

    Katie -- Cincinnati (some things I know, MOST things I don't)  

  25. Bridget said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  26. Bridget said...

    i vote glen...for his pedophile mustache.  

  27. The Spaz said...

    Katie From Cincinnati if you want to find it again the quote is actually a poem called First They Came by Martin Niemoller.  

  28. Anonymous said...

    The Spaz:
    Thanks so much for that! I looked it up and it seems there is a little disagreement as to the original text, so here is what they have written outside the Holocaust Memorial in D.C.:
    First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out -
    because I was not a Socialist.
    Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out -
    because I was not a Trade Unionist.
    Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out -
    because I was not a Jew.
    Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me.

    I have to admit, I rather like my present tense version of the final line, it seems more immediate and forceful.
    Thanks again...

    Katie -- Cincinnati  

  29. Lauren Jade said...

    Aces of course. Shame you had to get so bladdered after the N screwed with the schedule. :-P
    But you weren't missing much, I probably would have enjoyed the show more if I had a drink in me. We better get some girl kissage next week.

    Full of funny quotes and pics as per usual,
    'and what on earth does Kyla have in that bag? Sounder?'
    Hehehehe ah Sounder, ah Jenny....on that note, til next week!!


About This Blog

Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

We have now moved to a new URL -!

  © Blogger template The Professional Template by 2008

Back to TOP