This week we introduce a few new features:
1. Per Carly's suggestion, "The Papi Award," bestowed upon the worst "fashion" of each episode.
2. "1-310-Spashley," which will feature an in-depth analysis of Spashley's Phone Conversations. [Did anyone else notice they didn't interact face-to-face this episode?] For example, if Spencer were to say "What are you wearing?" and Ashley responded 'Just a bra and a mini-skirt, obvs!' that would be a "Very Promising" convo. +10!
2. How cool is it that all of our questions from last week were answered this week? Like; the title of the "True Life" episode and ... I guess that's it. I still think it's possible that Spencer could be cuter. For example; she could take off some clothing and make out with a girl.
3. Because still, re: 1 and re: 2, what the f is that key around Glen's neck for? I'm hoping it has something to do with Magic. Like maybe there is a secret tunnel somewhere, and it goes to a Magical Land of Lesbians.
4. Um, 8 pm called and it wants its show back. Seriously the TV guide said the show was on at 8. It's always been on at 8. Then they had to show a re-run of Degrassi I've seen no less than 5,000 times, followed by something else long and boring, and THEN, THEN, by the time Carly and I were completely blasted, a show which we believe, if we think really hard and try to remember last night, was "South of Nowhere."
5. This isn't a question, really but ... go here. Now.
Don't let this grid deceive you. There is no South of Nowhere at 8pm. I don't know about those other shows, I wouldn't put it past them to be also lying about "Scarred" and "Final Justice." I don't know what else is on the TV anymore, because I have time for only one show a week, and it is this show.
Carly: This theme song isn't good, write that down.
Me: Because no one ever actually GETS WASTED. They're all underage!
Luckily, we're not. [Underage.]
Toto, We're Not on Craigslist Anymore.
Me: I think that's a mini-version of Alice's necklace from the Season Four Finale.
That would be this necklace. Let it be said that Alice's donnage of this particular accessory did not and does not, in any way, affect how we feel about her. In that we love her. Now and forever.
If This is What You Meant by "Something More Meaningful," Then Ur ... Count Me Out.
Carly: She's got a Buddha candle right over there ...
Me: She's like, in the position.
Carly: Bette called, she wants her season three outfit back!
Kyla suggests they get a loft together. This seems to be a pattern in shows about high school kids. They're like "Let's find a way to get you out from under parental supervision and into your own place so you can throw one of those parties where everyone gets drunk and pregnant and/or raped/drug-overdosed etc." Who remembers Dylan's little vista on "90210"? Yeah, you do. So I think they're gonna get a loft together, hot, I hope they throw a party.
When I Think "Art Model" I think "Glen." WHAT?!!!!!
I take my art very seriously, obvs.
You Know What We COULD Watch as a Family Though? "HEY PAULA"!!! HOLLA!
When times get tough, Team Awesome recommends Absolut Ruby Red and Red Bull.
(That sign says "Drunk: No Comment." I made that sign, so I know what it says.
I saw "the sign," if you will.")
*Carly: I think the viewers at home would like to know that I'm wearing skinny jeans.
Carly: 10 bucks she's on the phone with Ashley.
Me: No, it'll be like, Chelsea or something.
Carly: It's Ashley.
New Regular Feature-1-310-Spashley:
Content: Spencer wants to know if it ever gets easier. Ashley says she still thinks about her Dad all the time, but it gets easier -- you'll have your good days and your bad days. Spencer asks why life is so hard, but Ashley says that's why she just runs away from it. She then mentions that a publicist keeps emailing her about "EGO," a party and asks if Spencer would like to attend. Spencer is like "fashion, clubbing, not really my scene."
Future Prospects: It's good that Spencer's gone to Ashley when she feels sad, it means she must still trust her and rely on her. However, Ashley's discussion of the EGO party seems to suggest that trouble is in store for this dynamic duo. Also, there's the running away from hard things subtext. Whatever happened to Cabo? I'm confused.
Final Result: +1 on the Spashley Call-A-Thon.
Carly: Emotions? What're emotions?
Me: We had those, remember? Back in the day? Like, in February?
Carly: Oh yeah. I had A LOT of emotions in February.
Carly: How old is the actress that plays Ashley again?
Me: Urr ... 22 I think? Why?
[looks up, sees why.]
Me: OH MY GOD! She ISN'T!
Carly: This scene is called "Ashley's tits call Spencer."
Me: Dude look at her sitting there in her bra! This is totes gratuitous, no wonder it's on at 10!
Carly: Dude, they are going to fuck in this episode, that's why it's at ten.
True Life: Having Nothing Whatsoever to Do With True Life
Me: She got pregnant?
Has This Ever Worked? Like, EVER?
(Ooo snap!)Spencer: "Why're you doing this?"
[Here comes Madison to Save the Day!!]
Madison: "Why? That's easy, isn't it Corey? See those who can, do--
Corey: "Shut up Madison."
Madison: "--and those who can't--do Pay Per View."
"Actually, I'd prefer a Box Lunch..."
Heart Too Hot To Hold
Carly: In that she's wearing it?
Me: Girl, her eye is totally lined.
Carly: There is no part of her eyes that is not lined.
Me: She's like Ancient Egypt, she's like Cleopatra.
Meanwhile, At The Planet
Madison: "L.A. is full of young eligible lesbians."
Me: [starts conversation totally unrelated to this show and totally related to moving to L.A.]
Spencer doesn't believe her so Madison starts pointing out the lesbians with her superior gaydar. Unfortunately, her gaydar gets distracted when she spots some dude who reminds us of the skater boy from "Clueless" and they make eyes. Bla. Anyhow, like Spencer said, way better than the cafeteria. Their school is either totally awesome, or these girls are gonna get in trouble and then have to go to detention, which would be AWESOME, because much like this restaurant, there are lesbians in detention.*
They Should Hire Brian Kinney to Spruce This Place Up
Carmen, You Make Me Wanna Be a Better Artist
Chelsea to Carmen: "I find your sarcasm inspiring."
Also: the way she leans back on the steps to pose for Chelsea is very "fuck me now."
This inspired me to draw a picture of Carly. It looks just like her. At first, Carly couldn't tell the difference between her own face and my expert rendering of it. Don't believe me? See for yourself. Advanced Sketching. Psh.
Who Writes BLOGS? Doesn't He Have Any REAL FRIENDS? What is this NONSENSE?!
Stef: My Auto-Win banner is better than their banner. Also, Carly's banner is better and she made it herself.
This is how we feel about your banner and your little bloggity blog, JAKE. Shy-Town. CLEVER.
If I Ever Feel Better, Remind to Spend Some Good Time With You
This is Not What It Looks Like It Could Be
Our Lips Aren't Sealed
There are many occasions (read: so many that we aren't even phased by it anymore) during which
Carly and I say the exact same thing
at the exact same time.
Carly: 1978 called they want their shirt back --
Me: 1984 called they want their shirt back ---
What Are You Wearing? What am I Wearing?
Kyla doesn't want to go by herself so Ashley agrees to go. That was easy. Easier than Ashley herself, even.
Kyla says "Lez go!"
Carly: That is not Glen.
Me: It is so Glen, they're re-using the same paper.
OK. Then Who Do We Blame?
There are so many things about this outfit that are so extraordinary. The hair. The combo of those two shirts, each totally hideous on their own accord. Glen. I almost want to give you the ... it's just such a tough choice this episode.
Glen asks Chelsea what turned her around, she says it's possible she's looking for closure.
I Want My MTV.
You Are a Party and I Am A School Night
Me: He has Ellen collar.
[P.S. We LOVE Ellen, and may or may not've spent thirty minutes discussing the precise nature of our love for Ellen right before this show.]
And If There's Nothing Left to Say, I'll String You Along Until I Get My Way
Carly: Did she say they're gonna go see Sister Act?
Me: No, actually she said Sister Act 2.
Carly: Oh, I love that movie!
Me: Looks like a ghost walked through the door!
Carly: Dude he just saw a ghost!
True Life: Heartbroken
Glen asks Spencer: "What made you change your mind about watching the doc?" Then Carly and I started making the "MTV doc" sound effects (poorly) to each other and missed the next five minutes of the show. Apparently there was a moving moment abut Chelsea's baby being their grandchild. Hey Paula and Nice Dad touch each other endearingly, thinking about what joy they feel re: bringing new life into the world that Ashley just described as "violent" and full of people who hurt each other. Like how she hurt Spencer. We'd like to give her a hug, p.s.
When You Miss Girls So Much You Start Creating Sexual Tension With Your Sister, You Know You Need Some P***y
And If You Wanna Dance, If She Wants to Lead, I'll Go Out of My Way, I'll Do Anything
And One Word is All I Need
1-310 Spashley #4: Hello? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me, Is There Anyone At Home?
Content: Spencer calls Ashley before bed, pointing out that the calling-before-bed thing is not going to work out if they don't go to bed at the same time. She still acts all earnest, like "Hope you're having fun!" Which is code for: "I hope you're having a miserable godawful time, missing me with every fibre of your being, thinking of all the wrong you've done to me, and wishing you could make things right, and p.s., good luck with that, feel free to start any time soon." She tells Ashley to call her back, even if it's late. I feel sad for her.
Final Results: -5
Carly: "We've all left these messages."
The Davies Girls: They're Just like US!
Kyla: "Hold on, I'm having an epiphany. Britney, G-d bless her, is a whack job, Lindsay is in and out of rehab, and Paris is not getting any younger. We are in the perfect place to be the next big thing! We could be the next it girls, the Davies girls!"Kyla, like me and Carly, is TRASHED. Kyla's falling all over herself, all super-sexified, rambling about how they could be the next thing because there are two of them, so they've got each other covered. Ashley goes "there you go, throwing that 'us' word around again." Yeah, US Weekly!
Also, I didn't realise that Lindsay and Britney weren't other characters in the show until like a minute after that scene ended, possibly because by this point Carly and I were so drunk we could barely sit up straight.
Hello, Spencer Carlin, Wanton Sex Goddess