Because I clearly need a swift blow to the head from Aiden's brand new baseball bat [just occurred to me: why did he just buy a baseball bat? Is he going to be on Girltrash?], I had a brill idea to recap The N's teen-soap South of Nowhere. For those of you that're here 'cause you read my L Word recaps, I should say this right now: my best friend Haviland, whom many of you enjoy, has shows (she's in Les Miserables) on Friday nights so she will not be present for any of these recaps, although it's possible we might have alternative-screening-dates from time to time, since we're crazy like that. Also though, once Living it Out, the sitcom Carly and I wrote [which clearly has a role written for Haviland herself] is picked up, then we can all quit our jobs, and Haviland won't have to fight the French Revolution anymore, she'll be fighting the Lesbian Humor Revolution! Obvs! Also, "Chase" is coming next week, she promised.
A'ight, lez go. I'm gonna count Lesbian Sexy Moments like I did with TLW, and also do a "Quote of the Week" and a Glenism. Maybe other things too, but right now my brainspace is fried. Also, there'll be a "This Week in: Life's Big Questions" and probs "This Week in: Corrections." Before this week's episode, Carly fought with the A/V cords for about an hour, so by the time it started, we were both semi-suicidal. It was a Good Test of our Friendship.
Those are just some of the many remote controls that refused to function properly on Friday night.
1. Did every female cast member get breast implants between seasons? New bras? Puberty?
2. That key around Glen's neck--what is it for? His heart? Home, in case he OD's on Percocet and gets lost? His soul? The Secret? The Secret to Unlocking his Heart? His chastity? Something revealed last season that we both missed? [Confession: I didn't exactly watch every episode last season, but I did see all of Season One. I'd like to catch up, but time is the devil's plaything or something and I don't have any playthings. Donate to my tip jar and I'll save up and give myself the gift of time and catch up.]
4. True Life: "What?" What're the other two narratives for this episode of "True Life"? What is the topic? "I survived a school shooting?" "I got breast implants"?
5. Could Spencer possibly be any cuter?
On the Untimely Departure of Danso Gordon
Lest we be perceived as even remotely insensitive [on the off chance you've never read anything else on this blog or my other one ever], I'd like to share with you a statement from Danso Gordon on his decision to leave South of Nowhere this season, which resulted in him getting hisself shot up. He played Clay Portard, the adopted African-American brother of America's Next Top Cutie, Spencer. [Sidenote: I also have an adopted African-American brother and a non-adopted Caucasian brother, except that my non-adopted brother is nothing like Spencer's non-adopted brother Glen. For example; he does not wear a key around his neck and he has a job. Still, there's that. I liked this storyline. F You, Gordo.]
After reading his statement, I'd suggest that he take this time off to study up on his English grammar skills. Granted, my grammar is pretty awful, particularly considering that I write for a living, but I imagine I at least try to be consistent in my suckage. He's doing all kinds of gross things with subjects and verbs and hoo-has and punctuation and randomized capitalization of the word 'Faith,' which, FYI, is actually Not a proper noun. I don't even understand what he's going for here, but it's not working and it makes me want to cover his face with a red copyediting pen and then poke his eyes out. JK, I'm a peaceful person. Totes Zen. Ommm:
"Whatup ... I am leaving for my own personal reasons that have to do with my Faith and personal integrity. It was a difficult decision to make, however, when someone is involved in something that directly opposes his/her integrity, then that person has to ask themselves why they are doing it. For the money? To make sure they don't offend people? I asked myself these questions and I obviously came to my answer ... the show went against my personal Faith and integrity and therefore I made the difficult decision to leave."
-Danso Gordon aka "Clay"
Don't Eff With the Gays
"Hey, Since I'm Here, Anyone Got a Vicodin? I Think I Got a Bullet in my Neckhole."
So anyhow. The show begins. All the kiddies had to cut prom short to dash to the hospital, because of this East Coast/West Coast thing that's been happening between Bad Boy and Death Row. Paula's working hard in her scrubs and Ashley and Spencer are squabbling because they just had that fight about Aiden and Ashley thinks Spencer should get treated for her wounds. How about the wounds you've caused to her SOUL, Ash? Aiden got shot too, but luckily, due to the layers of muscle between his flesh and his tender heart, he's totes stable. Most of the annoying people are still alive, like Glen.
Ashley, semi hysterical with a sexy slash across her soft skin, rushes along the hospital gurney and tells Aiden she is gonna be right there and she's not going to leave him. That is what we call "foreshadowing." Also: ew.
The Handprint is My Favorite Part.
Carly: I've never owned one. Cesar does.
Me: People who aren't homosexual men?
Carly: Matt and Roy do.
Me: People who aren't homosexual men?
True Life: I've Started a "Zen Flesh, Zen Bones" Cult
"Let Me Look at Your Wound" is the new "Let Me Look at Your Third Nipple."
Ashley calls her Mom a Pod. It's awesome. Incorporate that into your vocabulary starting now. They're doing that weird forced exposition thing that You-Know-What-Show always does. Oh well, it happens. Ashley's 'really, really happy' that Aiden is "still here." Aiden has survived the drive-by shooting because unlike Clay, he doesn't hate gay people. In fact, he wants to have sex with them. Ideally two at the same time.
True Life: Just Like Heaven
This's perfect. Go Spencer!: "I had this whole thing in my head but now of course I can't remember a word of it. So um ... the night of the shooting, I lost my brother. And it just ... it reminds me of how much this all sucks. I'm done." Poor Spencer. Someone should give her a big hug. Wink wink ASHLEY.
Are You There, Victoria? It's Me, Your Secret.
There's a Hero, If You Unlock Glen's Heart
Me: Why is Glen so ugly?
Carly: Why is Glen ... Glen?
Fo'reals though, she yells: "You are a high school graduate!" This's a pretty big accomplishment for a character on South of Nowhere, which I think must have some sort of marketing tie-in deal with the G.E.D. people. Probs the bathrobes are part of that. Paula wants him to do something with his life, like shave his beard. This is gonna be like Max/Moira, except that if Max shaved his beard, he'd be beautiful, and if Glen shaved his beard, he'd just be Glen but without that annoying beard. Glen thought he had it all figured out, he was gonna go to Iraq and get his nuts blown off for G.W. and Operation Iraqi Hoo-Ha. Unfortunately, he decided to stick around and take up valuable screen time that could be used by Spashley making out.
Me: Do they? Like bathrobes?
Then, just as Spencer and Chelsea are about to take off their clothes and outline their cellulite in permanent marker, Ashley arrives to talk to Spencer, and Chelsea leaves because "Mama needs peanut butter, now." Chelsea, do you live inside my mind? Because you are reading it. From the inside. (What am I talking about? Probably the drugs again.) (I'm kidding about the drugs.)
You Haven't Seen Her in Three Months. Obviously You Have So Much You Need to Say, 'tard.
Seriously, really super unforgivable. Ashley's like, rubbing a pillar of salt into an open wound, licking it, drinking a big margarita and then taking a tequila shot off Aiden's bare wounded chest in front of Spencer. More or less.
Ashley: "There's so much I wanna say to you."See, Ashley, every time I want to hate you, you have to go do something like that and make me love you again! You're such a badass. You should drop out of school and move to Mexico or something like that. Take Glen with you and drop him in the ocean, thanks.
Spencer: "Say it."
Ashley: "I don't even know where to start."
Ugh: "Hi! Sorry to interrupt!"
Ashley: "OK, then, don't."
Ugh!: "Actually, I just wanna talk to you."
Ugh!!!!: "Well then, can you tell me a time that's better for you?"
Ashley: "Yeah, Never."
True Life: I'm Totally Being a Self-Centered Twat Right Now
"I think everything about life is violent. I think that people are constantly harsh to each other I think that parents are horrible to their children, friends become enemies and people that you love you crap on for no apparent reason. And you lose everything that you ever had. You know, four people may have died that night, but all of us got buried somehow."-Really Ashley? Really?!
True Life: This Show's An Hour Long This Week, Like TLW Waaaa
Me: We're gonna have to start drinking at 8:45.
Too Many Curl Girls, Not Enough Aiden
Kyla's suprised to see that Aiden's bought himself a new bicycle to pick up the ladies. She's so over him, she needs a new word for "over him." Aiden is Robo-Cop now. Look at his helmet and stuff. He's going to lower his sperm count, riding that thing.
Also, he just said "Carpe Later."
True Life: We Like to Interrupt Important Conversations
Anyhow; well put, Spence. Then the MTV people show up. The MTV people are really excited that a black girl and a white girl are hanging out together and want to get it on camera. It's like "The Real World"! They are stalkers, these MTV people. It's like "True Life: I'm Being Stalked by 'True Life'."
Raise Your Hand if You Think She's Probs Gonna Miscarry?
A Little Business Between Friends
Aiden is like, a maniac in a way. He's always like "Bwaaajash these are my feelings HAVEmyFEELINGSrightnOW!" Lance, the manager, is Aiden's "boy" apparently, and Glen says: "I got the job. I rock and Lance can tell that." What does Lance know that we don't know? Is there another, less irrelevant side of Glen's stunning personality? I sure hope so. I hope that side of him shaves his godforsaken beard and 'stache.
Me: "Yeah he's totally auditioning for N' Sync."
The way that Aiden sucks on his straw and says "That's my deal with you, starting right now," is kinda sexy. It also adds to my suspicion that they're getting 20% off of something very special, and that something is "blow jobs." I mean, Lance Bass? Right. Glen is concerned because he already has a job in the U.S Army as an Army of One. He proposes, ever-so-slickly:
Glen: Hey uh, hypothetically, if you enlisted in the army and then got a job, do you think you could get out of going into the army?
Glen, seriously? Yeah, it's called "The Wal-Mart Clause." That's how the kids got out of going to Vietnam: "Dude I would love to go, but I just got hired at this banana stand ?"
Come to my Window, I'll Be Home Soon, I Don't Care What They Think, I Don't Care What they Say
What do they Know About this Love, Anyway? I mean, they think they know but they have no idea.
Just a Few Words. No Seriously. Just A FEW.
Oh, it's been BROUGHTEN. [Also, sidenote?]
True Life: I Have a Motorcycle. Really. Wanna See It? Oh, I'm Already On It Surprise!
I Don't Wanna Wait, For High School to be Over, I Wanna Know Right Now: When Will it Be?
Carly: What is this music they're playing all of a sudden? It's like Paula Cole or something.
Me: Yeah it's like Dawson's Creek. I don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over...
Carly: Where have all the cowboyyys gone??
Lesbian Sexy Moment #1: Alright, I'll Make it All Up To You
The Players: Spashley
The Pick-Up: "I need you. Please tell me you need me a little bit too."
Hot or Not? : Um seriously, we're dying here as if this is an actual sex scene. Carly thinks it's weird that they're making out on someone else's bed, but I think that's hot. Because it's like, FORBIDDEN and you could be interrupted at any moment, which makes every moment count, which coincidentally happens to be what all the kids are applying as a new life philosophy these days.
You know someone's seriously been burned when they're able to tear themselves away from Mandy Musgrave.
Where Do You Go With Your Broken Heart in Tow,
What Do You Do With the Leftover You
And When Do You Know When to Let Go?
Also: can I just say how glad I am that they aren't playing the bisexual card? I mean, no one's even told her to choose a gender.Yay! Thank you South Of Nowhere, thank you for finally being faithful to the way these things actually work, rather than what makes for cliched narrative. I love you no matter what now.
"I should have died, Ash. In that shooting, I should have died. You know how tons of people when bad stuff happens they say it was meant to be? That's a bunch of crap. Like who exactly meant it to be? But now, now I feel like I was meant to be here. With you. You have two seconds to move before I do something I haven't done in a really long time--"Uh oh.
Sloppy Seconds, Aiden.
There's two ways to kiss two people in one night: one is the sort of slutty party-girl way, which has its time and it's place and its potential for Fun. Then there's the kissing two people you like way. That's sort of a one-way road to a Very Special brand of Total Mental Anguish, and, p.s., usually; twatitude.
Ashley: Don't Fuck with Spencer!!!
The Last Time I Polished my Ass Was 1800 Hours
[Re: Kyla, See Sidenote.]
Anyhow then Spencer looks up to see that Ashley has come to school with Aiden! Ashley, you're killing us! What the F? If Shane was here, she'd cut your tits off. She tries to explain, but Spencer's not having it. She can get someone else who's not mean. (Right? That's what I keep telling myself.)
ATOM ANT ATTACKS
FYI Aiden, you are like, way behind the times. I was rockin' the Atom Ant look back in 2000, after I almost crashed a motorcycle into a plate glass window in Switzerland. Ashley looks funny in her helmet like she might get trapped under there. This could very quickly become very comical [on purpose].
Guess Who's Not Coming to Dinner?
This Dad is the most earnest dad in the universe, I love him. He tries so hard sometimes I think his ears will just pop right off his hopeful little head.
Me: It's because they're all so bleak and desolate, obvs. I wish they were doing smack with Erica Christenson.
Carly: It's "The N"!
Me: Oh, right.
"I Keep Doing All These Terrible Things."
Re: Aiden ... "I feel safe with him, you know? I do love him, I'm just not in love with him." Kyla suggests that Ashley IS in love with Spencer. I think maybe she feels safe with Aiden because he's simple and dependable, and Spencer is more complicated and interesting and Ash can't handle it? Just throwing that out there. Again, I'm still giddy with excitement that no one's played the bisexual card, so I'm not going to. Like I'm not going to suggest that maybe Ashley can't handle being gay or something.
Ashley: "It's like I'll have one feeling an then it goes away and then I have a different one and a different one and nothing even makes sense anymore!"
Kyla: "It's alright, slow down, okay? You don't have to figure it all out right now."
We just don't think emotional rollercoasters are fun for anyone, except like, the rollercoaster designer, because she like, designed it, and knows when everything's gonna happen or whathaveyou. People die on rollercoasters, you know.
This Pod's Getting Herself a New iPod!
See ... Sidenote!
Spencer's sleeping. Ashley wakes her up, she was probably having a sweet dream about Tegan & Sara like I usually am.
What Happens in Cabo does not Stay in Cabo!
She says: "Look Ash, I need to figure out your life and I need to figure out mine." You're in high school, Spence. Lighten up. Go to Cabo. Put on a bikini, like in the old days, see how happy you are in your bikini with Ashley? That's the day when you talked about liking girls, remember? Aw.
Me: "Absolutely! Yeah it is. Keep trying!"
Carly: "But it doesn't work."
Me: "No, it really doesn't."
Ooo!! I know I know! Why Don't You Tell them You Enrolled with a Fake ID?!!
Carly: "Is that a bra hanging out of Aiden's pocket?"
Re: acting crazy, Glen actually DOES THE ROBOT AND SAYS:
"What like, during the physical, gnawing on the stethoscope and being like, this reminds me of when I lived with the family of robots?"
Glen: I'm not giving up sex!Thank G-d.
Aiden: It's not like you're having any.
In West Hollywood, Born and Raised, on the Playground Is Where I Spent Most of My Days
Aiden: Stop being the sensitive girl that hides her feelings by being sarcastic? Where's your head?
We can't move because of her outfit. It's bad, it's like Papi-bad. Also, neither of us are sure what's wrong with hiding sensitivity behind sarcasm.
I'll Miss You Too NOT!
Ring Around the Rosie, Pocket-Full of Posies ...
Spencer tells Glen that she has an idea for how he can get out of being in the army.
Spencer's about to become an only child. It's like "Party of Five" but the other way around.
I can't believe they've been shopping all day and she's still wearing this hat.
Kyla suggests Ash is just running away from Spencer. Ashley suggests they hop in the limo and spend a grand or two on Sushi. It is a really good thing that she's hot, because she is more or less becoming insufferable as a person. That only increases our deep love for Spencer.
"I'm Not Gonna Ask Anyone or Tell Anyone Anything."
This is Totes Not the Army Guy's First Time.
I Choose the Adventure Where You Make Out
Spencer: "Hey do you remember those Choose your Own Adventure books, you know, if you didn't like the way one story went, you could go back and choose another?"
Ashley: "So let's back up and chose another story."
Aiden Must Have Just Taken a Long Warm Bath, Like Hey Paula Told Spencer To Do In the First Scene
Quote of the Week: Seriously, I have no clue. Carly suggested, "That man over there is a ghost," from that preview we had to watch 500 times. Any suggestions?