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South of Washington Heights
This week's viewing party was sponsored by Smirnoff Ice and Diesel, and featured the talking/laughing-over-the-teevee talents of Riese 'n Carly (obvs), with super special guests Vicky, Chase, and Angelica. I've got no official complaints to register, re: episode length or scheduled time. This week, I owe our collective blasted-ness to nothing more than the deep collective yearnings of our self-destructive souls and the pain that strikes us when Ashley acts like a totes mad twatwaffle.
Also we are going to the UH HUH HER concert tonight (Sunday the 26th) in NYC. Are you?
UPDATE: We totes went. They were amazing, like even sexier in person. Then somehow I talked to Leisha Hailey though the memory is already a bit blurry (sidenote: Initially spelled "memory" as "meomory") and I may or may not've had a like, pint of vodka in my bag, but I was like "I recap for the L Word Online" and she was like "Oh, only nice things I hope," and I was like "um, obvs, we love you Alice!" and I think yeah. Then she was like "Hi," to Carly, and Carly was like "HAAY!!" and then we were like "WHOAH." We talked for a little bit and I was like "You were amazing," ::pant pant:: And then I also gave her our card, because I'm smooth/drunk like that. And also FYI she is even CUTER in person than she is in real life. And so sweet. Like she didn't call me out for being drunk or anything, was just like, what's up, sure, I'll take your card.)

1. I can't think of anything for Life's Big Questions. Usually [read:this is only the third recap, so "Usually" is a very generous term], the morning after the SON viewing, I forget something -- What's the worst fashion? What happened? What was that funny joke I said? Carly's helpful in about 35% of these cases. Generally her responses are similar to: "Dude, I don't remember anything that happened in that show. Are you sure we watched it?" [e.g., Last week, re: best fashion: "Oh damn, I can't remember." This week, re: a joke I remember her making during the dance scene: "Did I say something funny? Damn, I don't remember."] Let's see what happens this week. Ready kids? Texting!

Me, 11:41 A.M: Any ideas re: SON Life's Big Questions for this episode?

[waiting. waiting.]

Carly, 12:02: How about "What the hell is wrong with Ashley?"

[That doesn't necessarily mean she remembers it this time. Like, someone asked me for a "Life's Big Question" on The L Word and I didn't remember it, I could just say "How about 'Why is Jenny so crazy?'" and there'd be a pretty good chance of that question's applicability.]
[JK, I'm sure she remembers. I am the stenographer, after all, I should be writing this stuff down.]
[Anyhow I just thought of a whole bunch.]
2. Why is Aiden such a Lez?
3. Are Chelsea and Glen going to get together? Please say no.
4. Carmen: Hot or Not?
5. Is that really how the internet works?
6. Why is this episode called "Spencer's New Girlfriend"? She doesn't have a new 'girlfriend,' are we in middle school? Or is it that lezzies are always rushing into things? They kissed once, for Chrissakes.
Ashley: You know what the best thing about this place is?
Carly: Your tits?

Ashley and Kyla, high above Los Angeles in their new lair atop Titan's Tower, take a moment to reflect on life, love, and the other ways that we live. Kyla says it's official, now they're grownups. Sorry babe, unfortunately for those of us who feel uncomfortable about crushing on high school students: you ain't no grown up. You just a little girl with a lotta money.

There is no "Aiden" in Team
Aiden's pissed when he arrives to discover that Ashley's already hired movers. I don't understand what the problem is. It'll go faster if you help, Aids, c'mon, these guys usually charge by the hour. Though I guess Ashley probs doesn't think about that stuff as much as I do. Apparently, his ire is compounded by the fact that Ashley woke him up at 7 A.M. on a Saturday and his Dad's truck is parked illegally out front. That sounds like a personal problem. I just had a brainstorm, Aiden: move your car. Why you gotta go and make life so complicated? [Answer: because he's a total lez.]

Me: She's dressed like that at 7 A.M.?!
Carly: Some people just roll out of bed looking like that, okay?

Wake and Fake
I am so not buying that it's 7 A.M! Both girls are in heels and little hoochie outfits, Ashley's in full makeup and jewelery, and now it's time to make out? Is this like, Cocoon? What the hell? Ashley wants to show Aiden her new bed. He points out that it's the same bed, just in a new room. That's why Ashley likes him so much: he pays attention. He notices the little things. He gives her a photo and Ashley remarks that he looks so "boyfriendly" in it. He's like "That's what I am, right?" She just wants to make out, and then his pants magically disappear. It's really weird, watch it. We were so stunned by this quick change that we rewound and rewatched several times just to figure out what the F was going on.

Me [when they start making out]: Ugghhh!
Chase: Shut up, I like if they have sex! They're hot.
Angelica: No, she's hotter with a chick.
[Chase & Angelica start squabbling, which is way hotter because it's two chicks.]

For Those of You Keeping Track, She's Referring to the Hours Between 5 and 7 A.M. Really Papi?
Kyla breaks up their little necking session to show Ashley something on that Internet all the kids are using. Ashley tells Kyla that there's this thing and it's called knocking. Kyla's like, yeah, I'd usually knock except that you have no doors. Apparently The Davies Girls did a magic trick where they were dancing at a club and as soon as Kyla said: "We could be the next 'it girls'!" and clicked her heels (which she wears 24/7), someone started a website for them and dubbed 'em "The Next It Girls." Weird. Does that work?
P.S. Carly and I are the next Darren Star and Michael Patrick King.
And we love Smirnoff Ice.

When Kyla says the site's just launched and it's already gotten 10,000 hits in the last two hours, we're confused on many levels. I mean, that's totes reasonable traffic, but for a brand new site that just launched with only photos of the "Davies girls"? It's not Misshapes or Cobrasnake or SocialiteRankings or Pink is the New Blog or something. Maybe I'm just totally out of the loop but anyway:

Me: Unlikely!
Carly: How would she even know that? Does she have a Sitemeter on that site?
Me: I know right? Like, she hacked in and installed her own statcounter on someone else's site?
Vicky: I think 10,000 is more people than watch this show.

(That's the only photo in which you can actually see Angelica! whoo!)

1-310 Spashley # 5: I Just Want Back Into Your Head
The Content: Ashley's pissed off because she can't even find her toothbrush. Spencer continues to be cheerful even though Ashley is being a total cunt. Spencer's so glad that they have a chance to talk. You know, "talk-talk." Does that mean what we think it means? Uh, no, it doesn't. I think Spencer wants to talk about her feelings, which is fine, but before she can even get started, Ashley gets excited to talk about herself and the "site" devoted to her. If you're wondering "Site? What kind of site? A construction site? An i-site?" She specifies: "a site on the internet." Phew!
Future Prognosis: If these are the kinds of conversations they keep having, Spencer might loose interest in "talk-talking" after all. You can def see that Ashley wants back into Spencerverse. She invites her to Ego I think, but Spence declines per ushe.
Final Results: -2


Hey Paula, Maybe We Should Have Some "Pillow Talk." Yeah?
Hey Paula asks Dear Dad if he thinks this "pillow talk" is gonna be a nightly ritual. It is, isn't it? Mostly I'm trying to figure out what she's eating, and when I realise it's a PB&J instead of a donut, I can't decide which of those two options I personally want more. Also, I think what we're all hoping here is that Spashley'll translate some of that "pillow talk" into "real life talk," ideally unclothed, ideally on a bed. They can do it on pillows if they want, whatevs.

Dykes on Bikes
SON went into their iMovie sound effects and found some "heavy metal" for this scene. Why is Spencer on this motorcycle with Aiden? Well, just sit back and let the expository dialogue spell it out for you:
Spencer: "Oh man, wow, alright, that is the first and the last time I am riding your motorcycle."
Aiden: "I wasn't even going that fast!"
Spencer: "You almost took that nanny out with that stroller!"
[Sidenote: How'd she know it was a nanny and not a mother? This is weird.]
Aiden: "What, I had plenty of room! C'mon, man."
[Sidenote: Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she's a man, homophobe.]
Spencer: "Whatever. Thanks again for the ride."
Aiden: "Any time.You know I was kinda surprised that you asked. I mean, glad, just kinda surprised."
Spencer: "Well, life's too short to hold a grudge. Especially against you."
I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I think nothing. Then Aiden gets approached by a random cute girl on the street who apparently spotted him on MTV and is impressed that he got shot in the heart and didn't die. She likes that in a man. She probably has issues with gun control and likes to play it safe.

Vicky: This is his last season, by the way.
Me: It is?
Vicky: He's too good looking. He's gonna get too big for this show.
Me: Yeah, you're totally right.

I used to be really up on the young cute boys who look like girls thing. Now I am too mature for all that, obvs. Instead I just have pictures of Kate Moening on my screensaver like a 12-year-old.

True Life: I Just Admitted to Watching "True Life."
He thinks he knows this girl from King High. She asks him if he'd like to have coffee with her right then and he actually agrees. Who does that? Oh, right, people on TV. Apparently Aiden hasn't read The Rules, you're supposed to wait 'til Wednesday to make a date for Friday, and you always say you're busy when they make their first offer. But then Ashley texts him: "I Need You 911." I think that means she wants to fuck. [Or: it should.] So he asks if they can have a raincheck. I'm not sure he's using that lingo properly, but whatever, it's Aiden. I'm surprised he can tie his shoes sometimes.

Then Carly verifies what we've all been thinking, because of that weirdo maternity dress she's wearing ...

Carly: Why would you wanna date a pregnant chick anyway?
Me: He's like; "I like her AND her baby."

Walking With a Ghost
Glen's such a badass. He told SportsTime he was going to the bathroom and then snuck out to chill with Chelsea [Sidenote Chelsea: what're you thinking?! Are you still painting this guy? He is not that complicated]. They never woulda never let him get away with that shit in the army. Chelsea also adds that pregnant girls don't walk fast. That's all she ever wants to talk about I guess; the physical manifestations of pregnancy. There's some weird camera work going on here, and clearly we're obliterated, as this is the conversation I transcribed at the time:

Chase: Are they dead? And like ... walking?
Carly [sarcastic]: You never talk about your baby, Chelsea!
Me: P.S. I'm pregnant?

No Clue.
Chelsea says she sure hopes he doesn't get fired. I think he probably will.

Carly: I love how he has to mention his job.
Me: He's like -- oh -- Sooooo, I have this job.
Carly: At Sportstime?
Me: See, it says that here on my shirt: Sports-Time.
Carly: You know, Sports Time? That's where I work.
Me: I have a job there.
Carly: At Sportstime.
Me: It's on my shirt: Sports--
Carly: Sports-Time. SPORTS
Carly: Sporstime!
Me: Hey, so, this logo here?
Carly: Sportstime.
Me: It's um, Sports---
Chase: Shut up!!
You're Not So Shy After All, Shy-Guy, Areya?
Everything about this scene makes me want to stick paper clips in my eyes. First of all, the way this guy talks is really annoying. You can already tell he's a douchebag by the way he name-drops Tokyo when they're talking about eating eel. Secondly, what the eff is up with his blog? He makes "blog" sound like a dirty word. And I don't mean dirty like fun-dirty, but "dirty" like "gross." And I don't mean "fun-gross." This is like when there'd be scenes between Angus and the Tickle-Me-Nanny-Girl on "The L Word." Like, six degrees removed from Characters I Actually Care About.

Angus/Jake/ShyGuy: Well, I haven't had a chance to check [L.A.] out yet.
Madison: Would you like to dance?

Angelica: Would you like to dance in the middle of the day?
Carly: Yeah, what was that? Like they're gonna step out onto some dance floor right there?



I Was Just In the Neighborhood....and by that I mean GAYborhood...
Carmen stops by Chelsea's place randomly and Chelsea's all like : "Haaay, Carmen." Then Carmen says: "I didn't know if you'd recognise me in my church clothes." I've got no clue what she meant by that. I hope she doesn't wear that to church. OMG, maybe she's a Satanist! [I know that church clothes thing is a figure of speech, I just don't know which figure of speech exactly.] I think everyone in the room was talking at the same time re: Is Carmen hot or not. Carly concludes: "She's no Carmen De La Pica Morales, that's for sure." Also, I saw that tank top at delia*s, nice. Probs 2 for $15, yeah? Chelsea explains "That's Glen, he's actually not supposed to be here." Like what, Carmen's gonna go tell Lance [Bass] that Glen's at Chelsea's instead of at Sportstime [N'Sync rehersal] [on his knees begging for more]?

Carmen says she'd love to have a studio like Chelsea's, and Chelsea gets all Kit Porter on her: "Let's see what you got girl!" So Carmen takes a canvas and puts it on an easel, ready to unleash her inner Georgia O'Keefe. Everything this girl says makes me a little nervous. She gives off that "troubled runaway" vibe. But nervous can sometimes be ... sexy.


Ashley, it's Called Craigslist. Try It.
So this is Ashley's emergency: she needs Aiden to move her dresser. See, she could find a good strong lesbian to do those things for her, and chances are that lesbian would be sitting right there, on the couch, ready to move things, because they probably would've just moved in together. Anyhow Aiden is clearly reached the end of his rope and I doubt Ashley's t-shirt is helping. She tells him not to go too far. She might have more exciting tasks for him to perform. I don't get it; isn't this what boyfriends're for?

I've Been Looking So Long at These Pictures Of You That I Almost Believe It's a Good Narrative Device
When he leaves, she actually takes a photo of Spencer from a dresser drawer, stares at it wistfully, and Oh my God, I cannot believe she's really doing that. The character formerly known as Kyla comes in and sneers: "Which one? Aiden or Spencer?"

Me: She doesn't need to move, she's got a whole city going on on her shirt.
[Carly literally fell onto the floor laughing at this point.
The emphasis in me stating that is not on how funny I am, but how funny it is to have someone actually ROFL in real life.]


Of All The Gin Joints ...
"Hey girl," Spencer says. Then she sees that it's Carmen, and she's like, whoops, sorry for whippin' out the black girl lingo on your white ass. You can just feel the lesbionic vibes pulsing through this room, it's like fire. Spencer, we all agree, looks particularly cute this afternoon. Spencer says: "I saw you in school the other day," and Carmen does this sort of sexy lip curl thing and says: "Yeah, I remember."

I like her, even if no one else in this room does. She's interesting. I can't predict every word that's about to come out of her glossy lips: she's specific, edgy, mysterious -- and I'm a sucker for a raspy voice. Howevs, I'd never kiss her because she is wearing really horrid earrings. Carmen asks Spencer if she wants to paint. What is this, CalArts? Suddenly everyone's a budding painter! Carmen convinces Spencer to stay and paint by saying if she continues painting alone, she might cut her ear off like Van Gogh. That might be foreshadowing. Like, that Carmen is crazy? Or maybe that's me projecting.
Art Projects: Bringing Girls With Homosexual Tendencies Together Since Elementary School
Spencer asks why Carmen moves around so much and she says it's a long story involving child support. [That's code for: Bad News. Not that there's anything wrong with long stories involving child support, I have many long stories myself, but this is television, everyone, and so we all know this's code for bad news.]

In West Harlem, Born And Raised (jk)...
(Totes B&Red in Michigan. Personally.)
Carmen asks Spencer what her "story" is. She could just look this up on imdb, but okay, whatever. She explains that in Southwest Ohio, born and rasied, on the playground is where she spent most of her days, chillin' out farming and relaxing all cool, and then shootin' some cats outside the public pool, then one of those days, she was out doin' good, wonderin' if she'd ever find lezzies in her neighborhood, and after one little job offer, her Mom goes: "HEY!" and then "We're moving with your brothers and your Daddy to L.A." She enrolled at the school around 15 or 16, she said "Yo boys, smell ya lata!" and looked at Ashley Davies, she was finally there, out as a lesbian with really soft hair. dooo doo doo dooo doo.

Picture Perfect
Spencer shows Carmen the photo of Clay Chelsea's got conveniently positioned on the oil-paint shelf. The people on this show are really good at placing photographs in key areas to enable plot development. Also, they've all got the same frames. They should switch it up a little. Carmen's like "That's your brother? Was your Mom doing the mailman?" Damn. Carmen, you're almost inspiring me to re-instate a quote of the week. Spencer says it's weird for her to talk because she's usually the one doing the listening, not the talking. *cough*Ashleytalksaboutherselfallthetime. Carmen should write 'The Rules," cause she already knows Rule #1: Listen.

Carly: Look at the wind blowing through Spencer's hair!!
Carmen: "That's your brother? Was your Mom doing the mailman?"
[Dear Carmen, I love you. Love, Riese.]
Spencer: "No, he's adopted. And he passed away."
Carmen: "I'm so sorry."
Spencer: "No, it's okay."
Carmen: "I really wish I would ... think ... before I talk sometimes. [Pause, Not Thinking:] What happened?"
Spencer: "He was actually killed in a drive by shooting at our high school prom."
Carmen: [like, OMG!] "That was your brother? I heard about that! Wow. That could not [thinking hard:]... suck more."
Spencer: "No, it couldn't. I guess ... it was just so much ... and it's like one day you're this big happy family and then, you know, now it's like something's always missing."
Something IS missing, Spencer. It doesn't just FEEL like that. Your brother? He's missing. He died. Because he hates gay people. Anyhow, Carmen drops her ex-girlfriend into the convo. If she's already had an ex-girlfriend by the age of 16, this girl probs knows the ropes. This's gonna be good.

That's the "I'm Gonna Fuck You In Positions You Didn't Even Know Existed" Look
Spencer: "Since we're uh, spilling our guts, can I ask you a question?"
Carmen: "Yeah, these are my real boobs."
[It's not your tits we're questioning the lifelike qualities of, baby.]
Spencer: [laughing nervously] "Okkk ... can I ask you another question? When you say "girlfriend," do you mean the kind of girl that you get together with to talk about boys?"
Carmen: "No, I mean the kind of girl that you get together with to NOT talk about boys."
Carly: She's like, whatever I'll just humour her, 'cause you're the only lesbian in school who's not named Ashley or anything that rhymes with Ashley.
Me: Like Mashley.
Carly: Or Fashley.
Me: There's a lot of Fashleys.
Carly: Cashley.
Me: Dashley.

This Is Not the Date That Pain Built
Aiden's on his date with the possibly-pregnant girl. Okay, we know she's not pregnant, she's actually super-skinny, but why is she wearing that maternity dress? What a weirdo. She looks like she'd work at a tanning salon. They're talking about high school or something, it's all semi-retarded, but that's cool, that's Aiden's level. Then her real intentions come out; she's writing a paper about the school shooting and she wants to know if he'd want to talk about it. Dude: what school does she go to?!! (I know she said already, I don't feel like rewinding) I want to go to a college where we can write papers about MTV documentaries, or "docs" if you will.
Aiden: "It's fine, no complaints."
Girl: "So you haven't been anxious or sad? No acting out? No reckless behavior?"
[Um, Aids: I thought you were fearless and invulnerable now? Like, the motorcycle or whatever? She saw the doc, you can't pull one over on this chick, fastball.]
Aiden: "Nope and nope."
Girl: "So you're saying you're the exact same guy you were before this ever even happened?"
[She's really confused now about the doc.]
Aiden: "Yep, same guy." [pause as tiny molecules of brain tissue slowly gel together, forming moderate-sized collections of activity that bubble to the surface in the form of "speech."] "No. You know what, I take that back, I'm better in every way."
Girl: "Oh well, that's amazing, I mean my professor said that you guys'd be stressed and in denial. And that'd be really terrible. So I'm glad you're not like that."


First of all, I could teach this girl's class. He's like, Professor Obvious. Secondly, following that remarkable statement, Aiden stops walking and thinks for a minute and is clearly having a revelation. Wow. It's official: Aiden has Jell-O pudding for brains. Really? It didn't occur to him before that he might be in denial and it'd be stressful? Or ... that maybe ASHLEY is in denial? Man. Anyhow, back to that preggers girl ...

Me: Oh, when're you due? My friend who's dead is having one of those!
Carly: True Life: my friend is dead.

(okay seriously, I just went to that URL to see if it was a real blog to make sure no one actually clicks it and ends up someplace gross on accident, because it's really just a joke, obvs, but what I found there was a one-entry blog from 2001 (sidenote:blogger, seriously? You can't erase this shit? What if someone else wants that URL for their own DIRTY DANCING?) This blog contained the following lines of complete brill-iance, among others: "
There is this girl named Haley at my school...........SHE IS THE BIGGEST HOE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. Ever since me and Daniel started going out it seems like she has some fetish for me." and " The whole time she is standing there talking to me I am like go away you ghetto hoe, I could care less where your ass is....")

This is how we feel about this scene. (!!???!)

We're all totally befuddled that this's happening. They may as well have a gospel choir chanting 'Really Papi' in the background as we all sit stunned at this mid-afternoon So You Think You Can Dance, Blogger Boy scene. Howevs, if this ever happened to me, that'd be a really fucking amazing blog entry.

Me: This is the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Carly: Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Me: Totes Dirty Dancing is about to happen.
Chase: Havana Nights!
[Carly falls over laughing]
Me [to Chase]: You better not have actually seen that and then totally actually referenced it later in public to be transcribed and then posted on the internet.
Chase: It's one of my favorite movies, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights!
Vicky: She owns it.

Last week Carly confessed to loving "Sister Act 2" (I do too) and this week, Chase is attesting to the glory of "Havana Nights," and we're all wondering why on earth we watch shows like this all the time? I can't wait to see what crappy sequel is gonna be glorified next week. I've got my eyes on "Cruel Intentions 2," "Look Who's Talking Now" and "Wild Things 2." Oh, and "The Emperor's New Groove."


Spencer's description of Carmen's painting ("This woman is tied up by her own hair, like she's bound by her own feminitity") begs to be made fun of so desperately that I honestly can't. Also it's possible that she's totally making a good point, if I wasn't such a douchetard. Then Carmen checks out what Spencer's been toiling away at: "It's just a stupid bird with a yellow beak."
Carly: Oh my God, she drew a DUCK, she is such a LEZ!
Spencer says that she really should be going. We're all whet with anticipation, and then Carmen says "Do you really have to go?" and takes her hand flirtatiously. Spencer still manages to pry herself from this situation, but then her phone starts ringing OMG what time is it? It's 310-SPASHLEY TIME!

Carly: Obviously it's Ashley who's IN A TOWEL. Ashley's a sex addict, is what's going on.
1-310-Spashley #6: Even Though the Stars are Blind
Content: Ashley would like Spencer to imagine the following: "submerged in hot water, 84 hydro jets pulsing swirling and massaging every inch of your body." Okay, we're totally with you, Ash. Imagining. Also, another thing that might be nice massaging every inch of Spencer's body? Your body. Just an idea. Then Carmen, all wistful in the background, asks Spencer if she wants a bottle of Poland Spring from the cooler she's got stashed below the easel. (Seriously, WTF? Water? How random?) and Spencer's like "gtg, biznatch!" I mean, those aren't the words she says, but Holla Spencer! That was awesome. I'd have to say that's one of the Top Ten Best Feelings Ever.
Future Prognosis: Actually, not that bad. Spencer's inspired jealousy, and jealousy can move mountains. Just ask Paris Hilton, she wrote a great song on that topic. I am not even lying. Get Paris Hilton's album, you will not regret it. I didn't regret copying it from Haviland.
Score: 0


Also, I Have This "Model Release Form" You Sign? It's SOOOOO hot.
Madison, your first hint that this was not a private sex scene shoulda been that MUSIC. That is straight up PORN MUSIC. I don't even need to know a whole lot about porn to know that. They're getting down to it, he's unsnapping the bodice of her Alice-in-Wonderland-Frock, and then she notices that he's filming the whole thing. She's an observant little muffet, that one.

I knew there was no way he was making that kind of money just from blogging. It's hands down totes porn. I pointed out that I do not do that on my blog, and then Carly pointed out that I COULD if I wanted to, and then I'd get like, mad traffic. So we're gonna start that next week, if anyone wants to go on a "date." Wink Wink. Just kidding. We're all happy just to watch teevee and make fun of it.


Girl Gone Riled
Madison says she can't believe that he was filming her without asking. Because he's already in the doghouse, he replies: "Would it've been okay if I had asked you?" He swears he doesn't even know the camera was still on, it musta been on automatically from earlier when he was filming and then checked his email [his idea, not mine.] But she's like, dude, don't pull that shit with me, I am like Harriet the Spy crossed w/Benson&Stabler, you do not fuck with my shit and boy, you do not even have wi-fi.

Seriously, hes' a blogger without wi-fi. I don't get it. There is nothing about this man and the way that he does business that I understand. Madison explains it like this: "What are you, like some creepy sex blogger, you travel around the world taping unsuspecting girls while you try to have sex with them?" If he's been able to pull that off without a lawsuit thus far ... wow.
Vicky: "Talk about a slut calling the kettle black."
Carly: "She just said 'talk about a slut calling the kettle black.' Write that down."
Me: "Written."
Carly: "Slut, meet kettle."

Have I mentioned that Vicky's drinking Smirnoff Ice?
Because she is.
Mmm hmm.

You know what the moral of this story is?
Don't go out with a blogger until you've read their blog, obvs!!

(Sidenote: Actually, I think it'd be really interesting to go out w/someone who hadn't read my blog, just to see what it'd be like to not have someone already know all my funniest most interesting stories before even meeting me. But, the pre-date blog-read does save a lot of time and eliminate any girls who aren't willing to put up with crazies like myself. Saying this here is the most irrelevant place I could possibly say this. Done.)

Anyway! Back to what we actually are watching this show for in the first place. Spencer and Carmen are making out. Well, not "making out" so much as touching each other's hair and faces and bodies with slight tenderness.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #2: A Very Special Episode of Blossom
The Players: Spencer and Carmen... Sparmen, if you will.
The Pick Up: I guess that was in the last scene ... um, so, it was probably Carmen saying "Sorry" for interrupting the phone call followed by Carmen saying: "Oh, it's okay." Eh, I've heard worse. I guess probs someone also would've had to say: "Would you like to sit on this bench and turn towards me slightly?"
Hot or Not?: Am I the only one who finds Carmen somewhat hot? I mean, she's not like, traditionally pretty, but I like her. Even if she does look a little bit like Blossom. Who didn't want Blossom and Six to have sex? Just me? Okay. That's fine.

Then they get interrupted by Chelsea. Spencer is always making out at Chelsea's apartment. I guess she's probably still suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome when her Mom walked in on her and Ashley and she was like "But Mom, I love her!" Oh, the good ol' days.
Look at how cute Spencer is when she gets caught!!!?!!!:

Spencer: "Where have you been?"
Chelsea: "With Glen, but that's not nearly as interesting as what's going on here...."
Chelsea, I could not agree with you more. On many levels.


And Sometimes When You're On, You're Really Really On
Ashley's like "Where have you been? I've been all alone here, in my outfit I picked out 'specially for Madonna's 'Like a Virgin' concert, waiting for you to come home so you could touch me for the very first time!" And he's like "Ashley, I just talked to another person and learned a lot about my feelings. And I think it's time YOU face some of your feelings. Or rather, your LACK of feelings. You know this professor I knew once said ..." JK. I made up all of that starting after "Where have you been?" Which she really did say.

Angelica: She's so demanding as a straight girl!
Vicky: She's way better as a dyke.

She asks him what he's wearing, and he's like "What are YOU wearing?" Good question, Aiden. He's getting smarter by the minute, now that he's in touch with his feelings. He's unimpressed when she tells him that they've gotta rush to Ego because Lily Allen is playing. He doesn't know who that is, so she describes Allen as a "soooooo hot" British singer with a really good voice. Then Aiden sees the photo of Spencer up on the dresser (seriously, they need a new narrative device starting now) and is like, OMG, fuck. Now they're in a real lesbian relationship.

Me: He is the biggest dyke on earth!
Carly: I know, right? First the hair, then the clothes ...

Lesbian Squabble: I Can't Forget What You've Forgotten
I'm not actually counting Lesbian Squabbles here like I did with "The L Word," because it'd be stupid and there aren't as many. But I really needed to make that graphic.
In the Ring: Aiden Vs. Ashley
Content/Result: She's like "lets go," and he's all like: "NO! Do you have any idea what I've done for you today? Lets see, I set up your Plasma, I hooked up your surround sound, I set up all your furniture ..." Basically, all the things boyfriends are supposed to do, right? Even exes? The last time my ex came over, he fixed my coat rack, went out and got me coffee, and let me take photos for my blog with his handcuffs and cop hat (he's a cop, it's not kinky like that might sound). Anyhow, seriously Aiden's totally sick of being bossed around, obvs, especially when we all know where her true interest lies, and that's with Spencer! She's clearly bi, I'm not contesting that, but she loves Spencer and that's just all there is to it. Sorry, Charlie.
Aiden: "People got shot Ashley, people got hurt. People died! And you walked away from it and none of it, none of it even touched you."
Ashley: "Of course it did!"
Aiden: "It didn't, look at you, you're the same person you were before this happened--"
Aiden ctd. : " didn't even stay around long enough to see who was standing and who wasn't. Spencer may've forgiven you but I haven't."
Ashley: "Oh wait, wait wait a minute, okay?. When Spencer dumped me you came to me and you knew exactly who I was."
Aiden: "And that makes it okay?"
Ashley: "No, okay, I'm sorry, I suck, I'm a terrible person. What more do you want me to say?"
Um, what? That's the most bullshit tactic to pull in a relationship fight ever. "I suck." Oh, awesome, thanks for that. You suck. You're a terrible person. Let's really make some progress and get to the root of the issue here. Such a cop-out. (I do it all the time) (But I'm trying to stop. Change, if you will. You know, like Ashley hasn't. Kyla sure has! She has a new personality now. Aiden should get back with her.)
Aiden: "You're gay when it's convenient, you're straight when you want me around ... you know what, wear your little dress and go to your stupid club and have sex with Lilly Allen, I don't even care. But do me a favor. Next time you have an emergency, call 911."
HOLLA! Guess who wins this fight? That's right, Aiden does. That ruled. That girl made him super-smart all of a sudden. Then the show ended and no one's made out yet. Damn.

Carly: Did he say go ahead and have sex with Sarah Warn?
Vicky: No, Lilly Allen.
Me: Lily Allen? Why Lilly Allen? Is she a lesbian?
Carly: No, I don't think so.
[Everyone shrugs, because actually we weren't paying attention the first time. I didn't even know there was an earlier Lilly Allen reference -- her saying Allen'd be singing at Ego--until I watched it again to do the recap.]

Also: Brenda and Nate had a fight like this once on Six Feet Under:
Nate: Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you?
Brenda:You know who I am, Nate. I'm the woman that fucked you in the closet at an airport a couple of hours after I met you. That's who I was the day we met.

That was a good show, Six Feet Under.

Also: Glen!!! Aiden's single now! HOLLA!

The Round-Up
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ONE this episode, TWO total
Papi's Top Fashion Award: Ashley's Cityscape/Castle Landscape T-shirt
Spashley Phonethon TOTAL: -6


  1. The Spaz said...

    What a long day I've had. This made me laugh my ass off, 'specially the Fresh Princess of Ohio rap, thank you!

    Totes feel you on the Blossom and Six thing as well, although in my teenage fantasies they both had their hats on ;)

    Also nice call on the time clothes website stats thing. I remember thinking something very close when I seen that part, like WTF?

    I imagine there should be somebody who reads scripts for shows and removes whacked out senseless stuff like that before they get made.

    It shouldn't be that hard, the show is only a half hour, its not like say General Hospital or something that needs to fill five hours of airtime a week for fifty-two weeks a year with super complex story arcs and decades worth of history...  

  2. Anonymous said...

    Awesome recap. Great way to wind down the night. I was rollin' when I read the Fresh Prince remix, especially since I'm in Ohio! I'm having giddy visions of Carlton singing "It's not Unusual" and doing that dance (which is still better than I can do).
    I'm totally in the "eh" boat when it comes to Carmen. If she'd wipe that smirk off her face, I might give her a chance. I hate smirkers. That's what killed CSI:NY for me.
    It looked to this kid like they are getting back to their old tricks vis-a'-vis the affection question. How long did they linger on the Madison/Perv makeout session before giving us the fleeting Spencer-pecks? And if I was bi (am not, am lesbian, am hungry), I'd be a little pissed at how they're portraying Ashley, as this is the exact kind of crap stereotype I always hear about bi women (but fortunately have not encountered).
    On a final note, someone mentioned the English show Sugar Rush last week. So I went and got the first couple of episodes. You have to check this out of you get the chance. It is at least 14.672 MILLION times better than SoN (no disrespect to SoN intended). It's hilarious, and well written, and believable (usually) and English. In short, it rules...

    Katie -- Cincinnati  

  3. AfterPortia said...

    2 quick things:

    1. Please tell me that you heard the lyrics of the shitty heavy metal song that was playing in dyke-on-bike montage! They were, and I quote:

    Water's toooo dirty.
    Swimmin' in the FECES

    2. Did Katie in Cincinatti just say she was "rollin'" when she read the Fresh Prince remix because she was high on ecstasy or just laughing a lot?  

  4. Anna and A.H. said...


    I've determined something: After reading your recaps since the Season 3 LWords and now was very thrilled to see you would be reccaping South and you have not let me down.......well, Riese, this is what we know, you and all your friends should have your own reality lesbian television show. Do you have ANY friends who are not hot? Every new friend is hot. Are you a unicorn?
    LOL, I live in one of those small midwestern towns that Jenny comes from, why do you think we watch so much television, and to me and all two of the other gays in the village, you seem very glamorous, lol. Ohhh this is what its like in the city!

    (I am loving the glasses, Riese! Damn!)

    Like they said, I think I spit out my coffee when I read the "Fresh Princess of Ohio." And I thought about Blossom and Six!

    Thanks Riese, Carly, Vicky, Chase and Angelica, for my weekly laughs! Keep it up!

    (I hope this doesn't sound creepy!)

    Love From the Village!

    Anna (and A.H.)  

  5. riese said...

    the spaz: AWESOME. Obviously they hat their hats on. I had a blossom hat. It was denim with a flower.

    I feel like there should be someone like that too. Because when you're writing, you tend to drop in things you're not sure about and then you kinda just start accepting those things as facts even when they so clearly are not facts, and you need someone totally from the outside to swoop in and be like, "Um, hold up." Clearly this has happened to me many times, but sometimes it makes it all the way through with the factual inconsistencies intact. But yeah, um, it shouldn't be that hard. WTF indeed.



    I love the Carlton dance and try to reference it whenever possible. Most of my family's in Ohio so I have tender spots for it all over my heart and soul.

    I hate smirkers too, hm, I wonder why that didn't annoy me with her. The worst smirker of all time is George W. He just grates at your soul with his little smirk, ugh.

    And yeah, it is crap how they're portraying her in terms of bisexual. I'm just glad that so far no one's been like "just choose a gender!" Then I will loose it ... it's the exact stereotype that we despise and that I used to crusade against until I just got tired.
    Also, I've got no desire for straight sex scenes, I've seen plenty, you know? I'm much hungrier for lesbian sex scenes, obvs. As it's become my life's work to bring these stories to the screen. HA.



    I did NOT hear those lyrics, but that is sad, because they are BRILL. I mean. There. are. no. words. Except those words, clearly.

    I think she meant rolling on the floor laughing. Though this recap, and this show, would be much better through the mirage of Ecstasy. methinks.


    Anna and A.H:

    Um, obvs not creepy at all! It's the Smirnoff Ice, isn't it. It is. It's the SI that makes us seem so glamorous. In truth, we are all losers. JK, just me. Those other girls are doing just fine, as far as I can tell.

    And yeah, I like to surround myself with beautiful people, as it ups my chances of being photographed for GONYC magazine (kidding). Thanks! (seriously). (Carly's glasses, I just borrowed them.)

    speaking of being cool WE ARE GOING TO SEE UH HUH HER TONIGHT WAAAAA!!!

    OK really now: You made a Margaret Cho reference, which is amazing and brill, AND a Little Britan reference, also amazing and brill, which only leads me to believe you are secretly probably the hottest person on earth.  

  6. Razia said...

    Can we just have a Spencer show? For real. I wouldn't even mind if it was like Sam Taylor Wood's "David", I'd still watch it. Ok thats a bit creepy but I'm just being honest, shes way cute.  

  7. Guls said...

    Awesome recap again Riese;

    I really start to think I don't have to watch this show, your recaps are just enough.

    Thanks for hanging out at home ona friday night to do this.


  8. Anonymous said...

    to anna and a.h.:

    are you guys from Shyamalan's Village?

    If so:

    how did you get on the internet?

    Just curious.


  9. anna said...

    the famous vicky,

    That might be where we are it is hard to tell without any contact to the outside world aside from our long journeys into the local Town to get water and supplies. Well, we had to trek many many miles in our soccer cleats to get to the local internet cafe in order to dial up and leave this comment. the password you use when you sign on to the internet from the cafe is the same word we think as is down there in the handicapped word verification "ahgedmwu." If you can pronoucne that you can be in our clan of Midwestern lesbian warrirors.

    lol, actually lookie here:

    -anna speaking on behalf of herself and a.h.  

  10. carlytron said...

    I feel like my helpfulness rate is more like 20%, your 35% was extremely generous. In my own defense, however, it is totes your job to type stuff whilst we watch.

    I still love my "your tits" line at the beginning of this episode, and I think I started talking about how great it was that Ashley was still wearing vests w/o shirts under them this season. I also look pretty bad in some of these, and kept making dumb faces, so I will study my Tyra Banks model poses/faces and be more prepared for this week's show. Maybe we can all do a photoshoot and one of us can be The Best and one of us can Pack Her Bags.

    P.S. I do not love Smirnoff Ice (sorry Vicky) and this recap was also brought to you by sunglasses, Riesling (OMG that is like, YOUR WINE, GET IT!? Aaaaaaahhh I just got that, wow. Okay. Sory. Calming down now.) and the baseball team of the future (also: glasses).

    I also recall singing Bon Jovi when that pregnant girl first approached Aiden and said that he had been "shot through the heart," obvs.

    "Shootin' some cats outside the public pool" ???? You've got to be kidding me here. Where do you come up with this shit? Totes brill. True story.

    True Life: I got fired from SPORTS TIME!

    Finally, I would like to address Bad Movie Sequels. As anyone who has ever read any of my online profiles (myspace/virb/blogger/ourchart/facebook/pleasekillme) can tell you, one of my FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD are direct-to-video sequels to bad teen films. There is this one guy, he is in over 50% of them and COME TO THINK OF IT, kinda looks like Glen. He's not Glen though. Anyway. I have seen Skulls 2, Wild Things 2, Cruel Intentions 2&3, American Psycho 2 (what? exactly.), and I know I have seen more I just can't remember them now because 1) it is late, 2) I am tired, and 3) they are all the same movie anyhow.

    [And is it just me, or are these word verification things getting longer and longer?]  

  11. Edilma said...

    Ok before i forget:

    1. I hate you for meeting Leisha(jk, but yes i hate you)

    2. You should def. make a blog of you having sex...sorry did i say that outloud? hahahahaha

    3. Yes i think Carmen is hot too.

    4. I haven't seen this episode yet because i live in freakin' Venezuela and it's not on youtube yet...(breathing)....but i had to read the blog because i need my weekly hysterical laughs at the office...(breathing)

    5. You rock.  

  12. Haviland said...

    Riese, look amazing in glasses. Actually, you look amazing in ALL these pics.

    I'm so sorry not to ever be able to be there. Since I don't watch the show, I obvs can't really comment on it...but I can ALWAYS comment on the level of fabulosity present in your life.

    And baby, you got it. :)  

  13. Chase said...

    took me a while to comment but dude my arms look so friggin diesel...imagine if i actually worked out or went to the gym half as much as u....and i love how I am often the femme one in the relationship!...I totes was joking when I said Havanna Nights was one of my fav movies...and I DO NOT OWN IT...but I do love me a hot and dirty dance movie! Gotta go with the pops to a yankees game...(dont have to but well I want to bc GO YANKEES!!! There arent enough sporty dykes in your fan base...or maybe you just don't write about sports ever for those of us to comment about...) am stoned and rambling...but yay soooooo I can't make it on Friday cuz I am heading to the jerz after the game then in Florida the following Friday (holy alliteration yo) but I will def be there for the episode after that...try not to miss me and my locking-ur-keys-in-ur-apartment, destroying-my-debit-card-breaking-into-your apartment-stoned-and-drunk-self too much!....though maybe I will actually get to hear some of the show this time without you and Carlytron yapping it up! ....knocking out... Night Ri Ri <3  

  14. Edilma said...

    YAY! I finally saw the episode :D

    I confirm: Carmen is hot.  

  15. riese said...

    razia: I would watch the Spencer Show. Also creepy=awesome, don't forget.


    guls: You don't. And totes would be hanging out at home on a Friday night anyhow. Seriously.

    (I feel like vicky and anna responded to each other already so NEXT ...)

    carlytron: I try to be a very generous person. I LOLed when I read "your tits" again, and also to your ANTM reference in this comment, esp. captalization of "Pack Her Bag."

    I think someone else pointed out Riesling to me before but I forgot and then re-remembered just now, it was like a Revolution in My Head.

    Really all I want to say is WAY TO BRING IT BACK AROUND.


    edilma: Wouldn't it be funny if one week I was like: "no recap, just sex. HERE GOES!" That'd be awesome. Thank you for liking [and confirming] Carmen's hotness. (breathing) You also rock.


    haviland: Aww, nah, YOU GOT IT! You are the sponsor of my fabulousness. I mean, the appearance of my fabulousness.


    chase: Dude, why you always gotta be going to stuff like baseball games? And you should've seen the MacGyver action I pulled two days ago when I accidentally locked Carly and I on the roof. That was some serious stuff. I totally believed you about Havana Nights at the time. I kinda still think that maybe you do like it. I could talk about sports. SPORTSTIME!

    Yeah, it's probably easier to watch shows when we're not yapping through the entire thing. But it's not as COOL, obviously.


  16. Anonymous said...

    damn! I wanna watch SoN with you guys.. love the music references.. and pretty much everything about this blog..  

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