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I'm totally getting back to this blog ASAP. Because you know what? If I.C. can write The L Word without any regard for the emotional well-being and/or admiration of her fans/dedicated-haters, then I can write Automatic Straddle without any regard for the fact that The L Word isn't on right now. Like: I don't need you! I found this great lube, called Boy Butter?


In the meantime, there's my other blog: This Girl Called Automatic Win.
Or go outside and play in traffic or play with your Video Game Machines, whatever it is you kids're doing these days.


Or you could take a look in a book in Reading Rainbow!
I wish computers'd been invented when I was ages 6-8, so I could've recapped RR: LeVar's reading Sylvester and the Magic Pebble in a turquoise "shirt" he must've stolen off the Star Trek set. He looks like Guinan, if Guinan were a homosexual color-blind man.

Really though, you should read some lesbo-books, because books will keep you off drugs [though a smooth flat surface has its temptations] and off the streets. If you buy books through the links below, I'm gifted a small financial percentage of your spending ['cause I'm an "Associate," which anyone can sign up for, I'm not special or anything], so it's a tip AND a book. Double trouble, if you will.

-Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body.Totes homo-cannon.
-Marijane Meeker's Shockproof Sydney Skate.I wanted to transform this novel into the best/only family-lesbian sitcom ever, but then my co-writer in L.A. discovered it'd already been optioned by John Hughes and has been in development hell for ten years. Because everyone hates gay people.
-Sarah Waters' Tipping the Velvetis the general favorite, right? The book and/or the activity?
-Jen Sincero's The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks. [for Kit, et al.]
-Carol Queen's Pomosexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality.
-Alison Bechdel's Fun Home,the graphic funeral home memoir that landed on all the Best Books of '06 Lists. Yup. All of 'em. Even mine! And I actually read it, unlike most of the other books on my list.
-First Timers: True Stories of Lesbian Awakening. This erotica collection was edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, who hosts of a reading series I read in last year (with my co-star, Haviland, obvs) called "In the Flesh."

Also Surface Tension: Love, Sex and Politics Between Lesbian and Straight Women is a book I never would've known about if I hadn't stumbled upon it in a used book-store and now I'm so privileged to share this discovery with y'all. It's got Elizabeth Wurtzel on her envy of Amy Ray and Melissa Etheridge's relative emotional abandon, L Word guest star/filmmaker Guinevere Turner on her girlhood best friend/crush, Michelle T. Clinton on wanting to be "The Perfect Bisexual," and superstars like Grace Paley, Gloria Steinham, Dorothy Allison and Susie Bright.

I'm not putting The Well of Loneliness on this list, because, though it's a classic--as I've mentioned before and as it's title implies: it made me totally suicidal. [I mean that proverbially, weirdos.]


In other news (as mentioned on TGCAW), I've got quite a treat for those of you who didn't feel fulfilled by Max's storyline this season, or who feel, like Max does, that "you don't understand!":

Riese and TB are having a conversation. TB is most likely smoking a cigarette, Riese is most likely smokin' hot. Every now and then, the light dashes against the strands of Riese's golden hair and shimmers brilliantly in the sunlight, and several ponies gallop by, singing songs of great love and compassion. All the ponies are lesbians and want pet monkeys.

TB:I've decided to become a dude.

Riese: Okay.

TB: I'm gonna campaign for trannie rights too, like get really involved in the transgender rights movement. I'm gonna be the best trannie EVER.

Riese: Cool!

TB [fake-demonstrating, lifting hand half-triumphantly into air]:
Go trannies!

Riese: Wait--are you gonna get surgery or something?

TB: No! No no no. Just wear men's clothes, change my name, male pronouns, live as a man, everything but body-mutilation/plastic surgery all that. I don't need that. I'll be like Vita Sackville-West.

Riese: You're keeping your girl-parts?

TB: Don't you like my girl-parts?

Riese: Um, yeah, obviously, that's why I want you to keep them. Good.

TB: Is that okay though? You're gonna be--
[laughs so hard she can barely contain herself]
--straight now.
Is that okay--like--I totally just turned you from bisexual into a lesbian--
[still, finding this all very amusing]

--and now you have to be straight again? Is that cool?

Riese: I'm not into labels.

TB: Me neither. Gender, whatever.


TB: Oh My God. What will we tell your mother?

[Pause, excessive laughter. My Mom's a lesbo, p.s.]

Riese: Oh my God! Now I don't have to come out to my grandparents in Ohio!

[pause, no laughter]

TB: You're not out to your grandparents?

Riese: They don't even know about my Mom!

TB: It's fine, I'll totally pass.

Riese: It's just that I really need you to come to Ohio with me to beat my cousin at Trivial Pursuit, which we refer to as "Kyle Wins." Because he always does. But I think you know more stuff than he does.

[side note: I think she'd fail in the "pink" though, because she doesn't watch tee-vee. That's where I come in. Entertainment, baby, EN-TER-TAIN-MENT. Except I don't really watch tee-vee either, but I used to watch it all the time. Also, I've read a few magazines in my day.]

TB: I'll totes pass, I'm gonna be a real guy, baby.

Riese: Won't they be like,
Hey Marie, your boyfriend has breasts?

TB: I'll bind them. You know, like in Boys Don't Cry. Ha--the Midwest--Boys Don't Cry--I'm going to the Midwest. Uhh--

[totally rambling]: Yay, I'm so happy I don't have to tell my grandparents that I'm bi. I mean, I guess it's like, if they just went online they'd know real fast, but that'd never happen. They know I went on the gay cruise though and that I know Rosie. They know I went on the gay cruise! Now I can tell them I'm seeing someone and they'll stop worrying that I'm failing in that area of life, too....

More later, lesbos.


  1. Anonymous said...

    hey riese, two things:
    1- i love winterson's books. in addition to "written on the body" i would strongly recommend "the powerbook". it is quite convenient for bloggers like you, in fact.
    2- did you ever became a lesbian, as tb says? my idea was that you are a strongly identified bi. i hope so!!!

    take care,

  2. riese said...

    Oh yeah, I'm totally strongly identified bi. Because! It doesn't matter who you're dating at the time, you're still bi. That's one of the points I love to make, so yeah, don't worry, absolutely still sticking to it.

    She's just kidding about turning me into a lesbian. She's often kidding. That's why we get along so well!

    Also I just like the word lesbian. How it sounds? It had impact.  

  3. Anonymous said...

    cool. this is what i figured. i like yours (and Elka's) perception and defense of bisexuality as an identity of its own.

    tara seems to be fun, that's true. i hope she will reopen her page again soon.

    i also like people who make jokes, and specially those that can make fun of themselves. i am currently dating a guy of this type (i am still identified as bi, though;))


  4. Edilma said...

    Don't worry i won't do drugs ;) I'll check some of those books out...

    By the way, remember i told you i was going to be in NY on my b-day? well now i'm not, but i'll be there for Pride Parade ;)  

  5. Anonymous said...

    Is that your girlfriend? That blurry pic?

    HAWT. Very lucky you.  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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