[Disclaimer: I'm sleepy and this is probably totally filled with errors. Which I'll fix. Like, within the next 24 hours? But I have to get some sleep and be on THE VIEW tomorrow morning at 11am for Ro's b-day plus Haviland will be performing and Heather and I will be just like, chillin' and winning stuff.]
Okay. I'd like a literary license to kill the writer of this show. Arguably, that's sort of what I do here anyway, right? To make it through this week, I must imagine that I'm not, in fact, re-capping a tv show episode. Rather, I'm using the characters and "storylines" of a teevee show as a starting point for my hot comedy. If you look at the photo below, you may ask yourself: "Are these girls watching World's Wildest Police Chases or something equally intolerable?" No. They're watching The L Word. The only reason the dog isn't freaking out is because he's a dog. And speaking of dogs--that's what men are. Dogs. All of 'em. Where'd I learn that? On The L Word tonight. Toenail-clipping, lesbo-hating, ZZ Top-facial-hair-sporting DOGS. And none are near as cute as that dog there, whose name is Awesome.
This episode I'll also be tracking:
1. Statements directly addressing one's sexual orientation, or "SOS"es.
2. Cliched or Ignorant "Lesbian" Bullshit or "CILB"s (which applies to homophobic statements as well as boring pro-homo statements).
I forced my GF, Tara (who I'll dub TB (so you don't confuse her with my friend Tara who's attended other viewings [but not this one] and, unlike TB, consents to photos and doesn't ruin them all by blocking the i-cam with her hand, even when I point out that everyone's going to think I'm lying about having an actual girlfriend)) to watch this show tonight. She's never seen it before. It's her birthday. Therefore:
1. It's arguably somewhat cruel to subject her to this.
2. She is drunk enough not to know that.
Right now TB's reading the SmartWater bottle out loud to me and it's making me laugh harder than this episode:
(Reading bottle) "Is it just us, or do clouds get a bad rap?
(to me) It's totally just them, dude.
(reading bottle) "While we admit that they're not as good to have around on a beach day, like say, the sun, clouds are unsung heroes."
(to me) Right on.
1. M, who set aside 4 hours of time to read this blog when she was supposed to be manning the fryer at In-and-Out, cross-referenced it with a closed-captioned viewing of The L Word, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens and the Illustrated Reader's Digest edition of Colette's lesser-known Sapphic poetry, and discovered an error that struck her deep in the hollows of her complicated soul. I was touched by her attention and LOLed. That means the LOL-count for this week's episode of The L Word is lower than my LOL-count for last week's comment board on TLW Online. I encourage you to check it out. In conclusion I think she speaks for all of you when she says: "What more can I say? It’s hard to explain the emotions I felt when I first read this disgraceful statement. To begin with, it took me a few moments to determine that the sentence was even in English. And well, after that I just felt cheated and used. I trust that you will do everything in your power to make appropriate reparations since the fault was clearly a result of your carelessness, rather than my obsessive compulsive disorder."
2. Deaf people have phones--special text phones. I actually know this, but I thought it'd be funny to pretend like I didn't know. That's one of many things I have in common with my hero Paris Hilton. FYI, my other hero is Angus's new scruffy-ass beard.
3. Jenny McCarthy's ad campaign was actually for Candie's, not Sketchers. That's right. Not THOSE tacky shoes for girls who like to watch boys skate, the OTHER tacky shoes for girls who like to watch boys skate (in the mid-90s). Holla Karen!
4. Today at brunch TB ordered churros ("ironically" --TB) but then canceled the order before it came ("cause it involved a chocolate dipping sauce") and got something else that involved rice and meat chicken and rice ("a Spanish classic"). So we still don't know what churros are. Re-Cap of the Churro-Ordering Incident: "I just like, ordered them. Because of the show or whatever. But then I was like 'wtf is a churro?' You know, from your churro factory?"
Also, P.S.: just completely changing the personalities of previously unlikeable characters like Max or Helena does not "character development" make. Just a little aside. Alright, lets get on with it...shall we?
We open with Kit masturbating. Just kidding. We open with Papi eating Kit's vagina. Papi looks really beautiful. Kit's tits are like MOTHERFUCKING watermelons.
This episode has two kinds of scenes:
1. Discussions and arguments over one's level of homosexuality.
2. Thought you wanted to watch L Word characters have sex? Think again.
Papi says this has never happened to her before. And Kit tells her she's the "sexiest hottest baddest motherfucking hot sexy bitch" EVER. I assume she meant this as a compliment. Every time Kit arbitrarily inserts "motherfucker" into an otherwise only mildly curse-laden sentence, I love her just a little bit more.
And Thus We Begin Our 3-Minutes of PSA Time for Post-Traumatic-Stress Syndrome
Tasha hasn't seen any abject poverty, sectarian violence or political turmoil since she left Iraq, so Alice thinks it'd be fun to trek down to Mexico for some churros and mani-pedis. That'll be good for this show, they can find a bunch of Arab and Indian actresses to play Mexicans. Alice says they can rent motorcycles. Once I went to Geneva and we rented motorcycles and then I almost drove mine through a plate glass store window. I almost died. If I'd died, I wouldn't be here today, writing this. Let that be a lesson to you. Alice makes a really appropriate joke about not killing Tasha on the motorcycle, and then someone almost runs them over. He yells "Fuck you, Dykes!" because all people in the world hate lesbians except for Ilene Chaiken and the cast of the L Word. Even people with amazing gaydar, like the drive-by hater. That's not really important though. What is important:
1. OurChart is making enough money for Alice to take Tasha to Mexico?
2. Tasha and Alice look hot in leather on a motorcycle.
3. Tasha has an Iraq flashback.
The cover of Lez Girls (which likely holds the world record for fastest progression from signing to publication of any book ever) looks like the cover of my least-favorite book of all time, Pure by Rebecca Ray, which I hated so much that I reviewed it on Amazon (my first and only Amazon review, cause I want people to buy books so I'd go out of my way to bash a book if I really felt it ruined my life, like Pure did). Angus asks Kit if she's read the book cause "Bette is going to be pissed." Kit says Bette can kiss her black ass. That's a new one. Go Kit.
Papi is still in her pajamas. From 1985. Gadzooks. Totes Gadzooks.
Angus asks if she and Papi are involved cause "I don't know what you're doing Kit, you are so not a lesbian." (DING! SOS #2!) He says that he'd never let her drink like Papi cause he loves her and she says: "You should have thought about that before you had the nanny's lips wrapped around your dick." Luckily, Angus has made sure that will never happen again by sporting this Paul Bunyan look better than any flannel-wearing lesbian could dream of doing. Even a sex-bot (or, for that matter, an oral-sex-master-lesbian) couldn't find his mouth under that forest.
Oh and also? When Kit says that and puts the can on her forehead, that's pretty much the best moment of the entire episode. Seriously.
Everyone's gawking at Bette as she strolls into work cause she's wearing the ugliest shirt of all time. Some extras, imported from Degrassi, have been instructed to "giggle obnoxiously like if Manny had toilet paper stuck to her shoe" as Bette walks by. In the office, Phyllis, who has a lot of time on her hands for a Chancellor, gives Bette the scoop on the "cause célèbre" of Lez Girls.
This is the part where we pretend that Bette hasn't been told of the Bev-Bette connection about 450 times already. Phyllis asks if Jodi has read the book and if that's why she's leaving. You see that? That's what we call "an awkward transition in order to communicate expository information via dialogue." Jodi has an exhibit in a forest or something. Bette checks it out and comments: "Origami with steel. That's a nice way to describe her work." Yeah, I was thinking "Apocalypse Jungle Gym stolen from the set of The Warriors and patched together with spare parts from Ronald McDonald's Playland," but I guess origami with steel is as appropriate/absurd as anything else. Actually, I think I'd like Jodi's work better if it was more origami, less steel. Paper cranes, etc.
Heather has just pulled out her Blackberry, TB is talking to the dog, Haviland is on the floor doing some sort of bizzare stretching routine that might be yoga, and yup--yes. Jen has also extracted her phone and is texting. TB just said "This show sucks, I'm sorry."
Why we love Bette, even if she does have actual silhouette portraits hanging from her ears:
I've totally done that when it's a book I'm sort of already resenting that I need to read. It's all about the unproofed galleys, baby.
Max is telling everyone about "SpaceGate." I have no fucking clue what this has to do with anything. Then the Token Douchebag (/Totesbag) is like um, sweety, we gave that account to the pretty girl cause she has a vagina and she LIKES IT. And because Max was on "vacation" during a "crisis" at SpaceGate. Max gets up and leaves the meeting. Actually, if you've ever been in a situation like this---it's like, the worst feeling ever.
Me: I don't know. No one really knows. Some computer something.
TB: Daniela's got a really massive girl voice. If she wants to be a man, she's gotta drop that shit. Like, ten octaves.
Tasha's supervisor doesn't think it's fair that Tasha gets to make out with Alice and he's not allowed to watch. He says her lifestyle is her lifestyle but he doesn't want to see or hear about it. Or be asked or told about it. My advice: quit. I mean, come on, the army? Wouldn't you rather be hanging out at The Planet?
Max calls Alice and asks if he can work full-time for her and she says that's fine, they like to concentrate OurChart money at the top. Oh and also, she'll get Tasha a watch. Not a femmy one though, since Tasha's the token butch. Helena asks Alice for her opinion on some expensive earrings she'd like to buy with Catherine's credit card but Alice suggests that she underwrite a third world country instead. That's funny, because when I saw Catherine naked, my first thought was "third world," especially with that no-carb thing.
In the Ring: Alice and Shane vs. Helena
Content/Result: Helena tells Alice she still intends to invest in OurChart, but first needs to get the money back that she lost at the races. Alice and Shane are like "Uh-uh, girl," that was Catherine's money, not yours, and Catherine's tip, but Helena says Catherine wants her to learn from her mistakes. Shane and Alice are SO on to Catherine's set-up schemes. So are we. So is everyone, because unlike backstory and development, "pointing out the obvious" is something this show does amazingly well.
Alice: Really, really? Your tiny little feet?
Alice: Who is that for? Is it for Paige?
Shane: I don't know, Nancy Drew, figure it out.
Helena: No....are you seeing someone else?
Shane: Jesus Christ! The Hardy Girls. Figure it out.
Alice: Are you up to your old tricks? I feel very comforted by that somehow. I don't know why--I'm onto you. That purse thing--
Me: No, she died.
TB: Oh, right.
Heather: I don't like this episode, it's boring me.
Max quits. He says it was great working with all of them. He's totally lying, you guys. It wasn't great at all, except for that guy with the gay brother. When these dudes find out he left them for OurChart, they're going to laugh their dumb douchebag asses off.
In the Ring: Phyllis the Big Ol' Lesbian and Leonard, the BAD BAD man
Content/Result: Totally insipid. Like a convo straight out of the improv games we played in acting class at Sarah Lawrence that reminded me of Jerry Springer. You can see the pain in Cybill Shepard and Bruce Davison's souls as they are forced to speak such inane lines.
Phyllis: Leonard, I think you are forgetting one small point-- [OH MY GOD!! WHAT COULD IT BE? IS THIS THE PART WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO START CHEERING?]
Leonard: No--I'm not forgetting anything, Phyllis--I was there, I saw those girls, you're nothing like them--
[Well, that's true...]
Phyllis: What do you mean "not like them"?
Leonard: I mean, I honestly don't think you're a lesbian.
[Oh! that's not what I thought you meant. She is a lesbian. She is like them in that way. OH AND DING! SOS #3]
Phyllis: Really? I don't think you know what the fuck you're talking about. Stop psychoanalzying me--
Haviland: You're right, she totally is.
CILB #1: (Leonard) "Look, maybe you have some lesbian tendencies or whatever but it's not your college days anymore--"
CILB #2: (Leonard) "Every time we've seen a movie in the last 20 years you're all 'Oh, I love Selma Hayeck! You know, she really turns me on!"
CILB #3: (Leonard) "I AM A MAN! No one is gonna be as good for you as I am, this is a fact of life, you really wanna take all of our life together and just throw it in the toilet?"
CILB #4: (Phyllis) "I know who I am, and I'm being honest with myself, don't you get it? It has nothing to do with you---you with your male ego stomping around here--"
LAMEST LINE EVER: "Yes, Leonard. I want to throw it in the toilet. I want to throw you in the toilet right now."
Me: I'd rather be having an inconvenient truth.
Heather: Like, gargling with broken glass.
Haviland: I think this IS an inconvenient truth.
Who wins this argument? The Tudors.
Bette is not enjoying Lez Girls. James is still an angel. Then this little wormy looking dude pops his head in to say that he loves Lez Girls and now attendance is going to skyrocket. What attendance? Like, kids are going to actually go to class now or something because the Dean of the art school was in a book? What is going on? He can't mean applicants, right? Because like, if this is a good school, and this is like, America, it's pretty fucking likely that they've got enough applicants that they don't need to recruit via a Jenny Schecter novel, right? I'm so like, just. Whatever.
When Bette says: "Fucking unacceptable, this is so fucking unacceptable," I am totally right there with her. Because that's how I feel about this episode. Then she calls Tina.
Lesbian Squabble #33: Lean on Me, When You're Not Strong, I'll Be Your Friend, I'll Help You Feel a Whole Lot Worse
In the Ring; Bette V. Tina
Content/Result: Bette is mad that Tina didn't give her a heads-up and Tina says Bette told her that the book was fluff. Bette says that's before she read the entire book. Seriously, if Bette can read an entire book in an hour, then she should be like, president. Or on a better show. I don't know who wins. This fight is dumb. Tina finds a way to tell her that she's a control freak but it's endearing, which really has NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. Ugh.
Kate says it's really hard to work with Jenny and Larry (who is gay, right?) says that Kate is doing all the work and that's not fair because Jenny may be a great novelist, but she is not a great screenwriter.
The following things are cited, by Larry, as problems with Jenny's writing. Because I'd rather not speak my subtext, I'll let you draw your own conclusions regarding my decision to list these things:
This writer's completely incompetent.
She doesn't think visually.
She doesn't know structure.
All her characters speak her subtext.
She writes page and page after description that has nothing to do with moving the story forward.
This guy is re-thinking his core concept. He's going to move it into three dimensions. This reminds me of the movie Art School Confidential and art school itself. I'm not certain I know what's going on here, but it sounds like he's a sculpture student who for some reason just did paintings for his thesis? That's retarded, dude. Bette comes in and she and Jodi have some tense moments where Bette's basically saying she knows Jodi's leaving and she's not impressed. She's still wearing that shirt, so it's hard for me to get into this scene. Tom's lookin' cute, though.
When Shane tells Paige that she looks good, I melt a little. Okay. A lot.
Shane got a present for Jerod. It's an "El Panda." These really exist. Ilene is more in touch with children's toy trends than the trends of "the way human adults talk to each other." Paige talks to herself so that we all know that it's her birthday tomorrow. Shane's going to take Jerod to the boardwalk for some chicken or something, I don't know. Paige looks rosy and drinks beer.
Jenn: That's her job on the show. A hair stylist.
TB: Are you serious?
Men are Gross, Men Have Cooties, Throw Rocks at Them.
After this scene, Henry is going to waddle out to his cave, scratch his balls, and hit his wife over the head with a dead buffalo. What is this? If I had a penis, watching this show would make me want to get castrated and never talk to another lesbian as long as I lived. Unless that lesbian was named Shane, because Shane doesn't ever hate on dudes, and she's smokin' hot.
Me: Yeah, they're basically doing--like the worst thing they could ever do on television.
Then Tina gets a call from Kate and is like "I'd love to go out with you, but I told Henry I'd stay in." That's right, Hen-ro. Your wily penised ways are wearing thin with Mama T. Watch your back. And while you're at it, wash your back, because it's gross.
Maybe it's just because I can't see the soul patch in profile, but Max looks kinda hot here. Am I still the only one who thinks Grace looks like a man? She's proud of Max for quitting his job. Now they can have more time to get naked. Max is proud of himself too. It would have sucked to work at that place now that there's no more SpaceGate.
I Just Really Hope that KC and Elka Read These Lyrics On Their Podcast. (this is what's in the background)
I'm dirt to the dirt buried in earth, you're scared of this birth.
It came with a curse, a man with a purse, puss
Of course I pushed back, if I pushed first
I attack the land of thought-out plans
and white man poppin beer cans
they fear trans with overly suntanned necks
If you didn't understand try to
woman or man not true
I'm something different.
I tell you what I am, a mar on the gay community
to soon for me to promote unity--
I can't keep going, but you know the deal.
The Players: Max and Grace
The Pick-Up: "I'm so proud of you."
Hot or Not? I don't mind bit players so much when they're open to full frontal. She's got a cute body and they actually have some chemistry, and Daniela looks pretty, and Grace is like, all crazysexycool, leaning in, husky-voiced, determined to seduce, etc. (I mean, seriously, she went to the Grace tells Max not to hide. She wants to see his body. Max says it's not his body again, and lesbians across the world groan fuck, that again? Then she actually pulls out a fake dick from his underwear, it's like, um, really, uhm. Okay...actually. 95% of you may disagree, but this scene was pretty hot. I mean, she says "I want you to come in my mouth." And I dig the boy briefs. You can barely even see the soul patch. Just close your eyes during that little fake limp dick thing. HOT. There.
Me: That's better than when they're talking, because when they open their mouths and start talking--
Haviland: That's a problem.
"Fuck You, Jenny. This is complete and utter total fucking bullshit. I wouldn't say that. Never. That's not even gramatically correct, you fucking idiot. You're dead meat. You're just dead fucking meat, Jennifer Schecter."
In the Ring: Henry Vs. TIna
Henry is having breakfast for dinner. I love breakfast for dinner.
SOS #4 AND CILB #5: (Henry) "Once a lesbian, always a lesbian."
CILB #6: (Tina) "You were so cool about me being a lesbian."
CILB #7: (Henry) "Until you got what you needed and were ready for a change of pace, isn't that how this works for you, Tina?"
Absolutely everything that they say to each other in this scene is dumb. Painful. I think I've seen better dialogue on All My Children, and I've never even seen All My Children. Laurel looks like her lines are killing her.
You Know, Black Girls and Their Baby Problems?
Alice is bein' her super cute self and put out roses and a little prezzie for Tasha, who is HOT HOT HOT. Alice got Tasha a watch. Not sure why exactly. Coincidentally, Tasha's BFF in Iraq, who's having problems with custody re: her baby daddy, had some sort of experience with a watch. Also engraved. How weird?
Lesbian Squabble #35: We Fucking Love You Here Too, Al.
In the Ring: Tasha vs. Alice
Content/Result: Alice arrives at the army base. All the men oogle her because that's what men do, men are dogs. DOGS! Alice gets out of her car and the camera spans the length of her cute dress and her nice smooth calves. Oh right, and then Tasha is upset that Alice has come to the base. How does Alice look so lovely? I would have spent the night with matches and knives. Tasha's like I might get chaptered out for homosexual conduct, "you ever heard of that?" Has ALICE heard of homosexual conduct? Oh, she knows her conduct alright. Wink wink.
Bette and Jodi are trying to co-exist in the teacher's lounge, but it's hard because:
1. Bette looks really hot here.
2. There's all this tension in the air, that awful weirdness that hangs so heavy when you break up with someone and are still forced to share intimate space. Somehow this feels worse when there is food and drink involved. The way Bette says "Anybody can use it," you'd almost think she was talking about her achey breaky heart.
In the Ring: Phyllis vs. Molly (the Dawder) and Leonard
SOS #5: (dawder) "Mom, you're not a lesbian, you're my mother!"
CILB #8: (dawder) "You don't just up and decide after 25 years of marriage that you wanna be gay."
SOS #6 (Phyllis): I can't live a lie and I love your father, he's the most wonderful man in the world but...once you've finally figured out who you are, it's impossible, it's deadly, to deny it."
CILB #9 (dawder): "So typical of you, you're such a drama queen, God, grow up."
Phyllis wins because Molly and Leonard are acting like whacked out weirdos, and she's saying nice boring things like: "I'm sorry, and I hope that some day you can find it in your heart to wish for my happiness the way that I wish for yours."
Bette is asking Tina for advice because she feels really bad about herself. I feel bad for her too. Bette, you can come control my life for me. I need an apartment, some money, and a pet monkey. And some place-cards. Just in case, you know?
Tina: You don't do anything wrong.
Bette: No really, I mean it, why is it so fucking hard to be in a relationship with me? Just Tell me. Tell me everything that I did to make you run from me. I'm begging you. Please.
Tina: You're a control freak.
Tina: You are!
Bette: So? That's fucking ridiculous. Everybody's a control freak sometimes, that's what you need to do sometimes to get things done!
[she says as Heather organizes a huge Monday night benefit on a small hand-held gadget]
They are at a party. I have no idea what they're talking about. It seems like a mumbo-jumbo of meaningless words strung together in little streamers of non-sensical hoo-hah. I don't know what they think they're doing with the bottom banner business, pluggin' OurChart and shit. When's "The Tudors" gonna be on? What's this website-nana-na-na of which they speak? Haviland is climbing on the furniture.
Shane so did not forget Paige's birthday. Shane: 1, Baby-Daddy: 0
The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls Who Like the Same Girl I'm really troubled by Jenny's hair in this scene. She doesn't have a lot of lines. So no Jenny Moments. But she's totally macking on Kate, which is good. Tina's wearing wifebeaters again, which is a really good sign. She's like, one minute away from going back to the Secret Lesbian Club.
They're throwing Jodi a goodbye party, using the set from Star Wars. She's giving a speech filled with generic niceties. This is around the time that everyone completely lost interest, turned on the lights, and started doing other things like getting ready to go. I actually don't even remember this part from the first time. It looks like she's telling everyone something really Hallmark about how Bette's the most inspiring person she's ever met. And forgets to add "and then I inserted my fist into her magic box."
Me: It's Goldfrapp.
Haviland: It looks like Amy Poehler making fun of this show? I thought the show was about to get good for a second.
Heather: Who is that?
Kit is willld! Just plain wild! I mean, someone get that girl for a meeting! To a meeting! Meeting! Someone meet her! Meet the girl doin' the bumps and the motherfuckers, motherfucker!
This week's Kittism is not a word, but a gesture. It is the gesture in this photograph, which is the most dramatic reaction I've seen to a line of cocaine like, ever.
Then she tells Angus that she's so fucked up and she needs to go to a meeting. So that she can hook up with Ivan again, because Angus is a sorry ass motherfucking nanny-fucking motherfucker.
You are not the bigger banana-head.
Wouldn't it be useful for Jodi to have her interpretor with her at the airport, which is where, according to Tom, she already is? Bette's like "I know you think I'm the asshole of life," and he's like, "step AWAY from the bran flakes, sexy." I mean, she looks a lil hot and frazzled here, right?
Actually a Very Good Use For this Art Project: A Space For Napping and Quiet Introspection
Bette is chillin', thinking about loves lost and time gone by, etc.
Cause I'm Missing You, and I Don't Want To Miss a Thing Tasha can't take the watch because Lisa's husband gave her a watch or something. Lisa's dead now. Just like my love for this show. Just kidding. I'll always love this show, even though I hate it. Tasha's like "this wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to fall for anyone while I was back." That's when Alice finds out that Tasha is leaving on a jet plane and Alice's tits look cute in a t-shirt.
After the show is over, Karen phones to add her two cents on the episode: "Why are they dressing Bette in clown shirts?"
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, EIGHT total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ONE this episode, TWENTY-TWO total
Lesbian Squabbles: SIX this episode, THIRTY-SIX total
Quote of the Week: Bette