First of all. Please everyone go to this Our Chart page right now, and nominate me to be a Guestbian blogger at OurChart. Seriously, because otherwise it's going to be you-know-who. Also, Our Chart is up now. You can start your page, be my friend, or whatevs.

I have been told by my intern full-time caretaker that I get "fierce" in this re-cap. I just want everyone to know that no matter what I say, I love this show. Yes, I love it. I'm not afraid to say it. I must love it, right? Otherwise would I willingly watch each episode 72,000 times? And then re-cap it? Yeah. I LOVE THIS SHOWWWW! No matter how bad it is, I will still love it.

Friday Re-Cap:
Tara just called me a hater. Because I am hating on this episode. However, I DID remark that the final musical number was--and I quote--"the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life." (Yes, I'm quoting myself.) This episode was heavy on "blah blah feelings feelings" etc. If I wanted to process my emotions, I would be IN a complicated long-term high-drama relationship, I wouldn't be watching complicated high-drama relationships on television. Tara just told me I'm acting "like a guy." Then so be it. I am a guy. I am a guy who prefers more flash and cash and smash bash. Tara now would like to take that back, because she doesn't believe in a gender binary system. Word. Me neither. She says gender is fluid. Right on. You know what else is fluid? The river of tears that flowed through this episode like the river that took Moses to the people who took care of him in the story about Moses. And we all know how that story ended. Or, someone should.

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Sunday Morning Re-Cap:
Okay. If Haviland, who likes this show about 20% as much as Tara and I do, enjoyed the episode, then I AM a hater. It was cute. Stuff happened. A lot of stuff happened, and there were some funny moments, and it was cute, and made me imagine a little fantasy world where, say, clouds were made of marshmallows.

So I saw it this week with Tara on Friday night, then Haviland and KIM! (guest star this week, in from the secret lesbian oasis of Reno, Nevada!!) on Sunday morning, then again with Kim right now (Sunday night, as I begin this re-cap, under the pipe dream that it will be done before I turn into a pumpkin). Maybe again at 11, who knows?

Because we could not assemble for a group photograph, I present instead, for your reference, a photo-strip of sorts, taken right here with my MacBook web-cam, which means each lady was given the same benefits of lighting, backdrop, etc.

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1. Still about the churros. It turns out that much like corn dogs, churros are not a desert food. In fact, churros are large sticks of vegan sausage, native to the Ukraine and re-invented in the 1950s by the Beat Movement and the movie "Rebel Without a Cause." In 2002, the lesbian boarding school film, "Miss Mary's Academy for Sinners," exchanged its NC-17 rating for a PG-13 when they replaced a girl-on-girl hand-holding scene with a short clip of the protagonist, Becky Dimple, giving a blowjob to a large vegan sausage while an ambiguously ethnic girl in astronaut pants stood above her and chanted "Who's your Papi?"

2. I spelled Mallorca wrong, but then I fixed it. So that doesn't really count.

3. I am PERFECT.

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Dance Your Cares Away, Worries for Another Day, Let the Music Play.....
This is a cross between a CAKE party, a Victoria's Secret Angels Fashion Show, a Cirque Du Soleil performance and that "INDUSTRY! ENERGY!" scene from "Beaches." If you think about, like, the world--like, in general? This scene is not so unpleasant to rest one's eyes upon. Not one bit. Totally weird, fo' sure, but this show is essentially the most random thing on television.

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In the film, Bette spies her lover, Jodi, who I semi-despise right now, with another woman. She goes right over there to passively-aggressively take care of business. I hate to be the one to rain on this parade o' disaster, but Bette's a little premature here. I mean, how long have they been dating? A week? Whatevs. You know who wins this fight? People who don't like this show.

Kim says this is the Cockblocking Episode. This is our first cockblock.

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I've Had a Little Bit to Drink, and It's Making Me Think That I Can Jump Ship and Swim, That the Ocean Will Hold Me, That There's Got to Be More Than This Boat I Am In.
Kit looks pretty in that dress. It's her "I'm drunk and lookin' to be rocked" look. She's all like, I got my beer. Whatchu lookin' at? She askes why the Mange is still hanging around. Male characters never last this many episodes, I mean, really Papi? Go in the steps of your forefathers. Join Tim and Mark and Henry and Billy into the light. Go into the light. Max--jog a bit and you can catch up, eh, kiddo? (Just kidding. I heart Max. Fo' reals.) Angus is here because someone's gotta bring home the bacon. I mean, do inventory. Whatever. I'm sure Hazel could "do" your "inventory."

and a door ... or just put eyeliner on again, that was hot. Remember when you wore eyeliner and sang songs to Kit? Back in the old days, when Dana was still alive?

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And a Partridge in a Pear Tree!
Then Kit goes into her office. There are at least $1,700 worth of flowers in there. Seriously, you could like, sponsor 10,000 kids in Nepal for that amount. Talk about the depths of sorrow, Hazelfucker. Kit sits down to face the bottle. You know, the proverbial bottle. But a real one. She keeps it around for moments like this one, when we need a literal representation of her mental conflict because the writers for this show aren't exactly like, um, Sarte, or something.



Papi comes in with some classy red roses. She looks around at the botanical gardens growing in Kit's office and wonders if perhaps she should have instead perhaps bought a child for less than a cup of coffee. Neglected children, like Helena's National Lampoon-ish children.


Yup, from one ethnically-pigeonholed character to another. You go, girls.

P.S. Kit, we totes agree.

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This is nice. I wouldn't mind waking up here, or in good binocular-range from here, every morning. I mean. Can we just pause here? Close your eyes, and dream a little dream? Alice is super-cute, per usual, re: Tasha's sexy dreams the night before, in which she moaned the name Lisa. It turns out that Lisa is just another soldier from the army, not Tasha's ex. Phew. We cannot have another character, we're already re-using names, and it's only Season 4.


This is Cockblock #3: Alice and Tasha, by Helena

Yeah You're Fucked Alright, Yeah, Don't Think Twice, You Can Kiss Your Sorry Ass Goodbye
Helena comes in wearing a sombrero she got in Spain. You know, because all Spanish speaking countries are the same and sell the same souvenirs. Then she's like, "Hey girls, let's have some burritos." Oh wait, first she says "Hola, Chicas!" Then she talks about her winnings and such, which is when the girls learn that Helena is totally whipped by Catherine and is obviously about to be flogged and then FUCKED.

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Live at the Lesbian Headquarters in the Hotel Tropicana-Themed Play-Land of West Hollywood, for a Sitdown with Shane.
Paige is asking Shane the rough questions. The questions other beautiful women have failed to ask. She's getting down to the marrow.

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Lesbian Bed Life
Papi gives Helena the low-down. She is sprung. God. Will lesbians ever stop sitting in bed and talking about their feelings all the time? Eh. No. Probably not. I've had a lot of liquid dreams that began like this. Tasha asks Papi who she is sprung over, and Papi says, "You know how it is, I'm always into somebody." Tasha explains that every once in a blue moon, Papi falls for somebody and gets her cute look. For Papi, "cute look" = "all sweet and confused." That's funny. Mine is more like "all obsessive and insane."

Best Reason to Date Someone EVER, by Papi of "Everything I Need to Know About Being a Pimp I Learned From Papi": "There could possibly be somebody, but it's not even like that man, she actually gets me, she makes me want to like, change my ways and shit."

Then, y'all are gonna freak out, because I know you love it when Alice tells jokes with the word "fuck" in them!!! The bell rings again. Alice says ... yup ... "What the frickin' frack?" Then it's Leonard. Yeah. Leonard. Leonard had a liquid lunch. Or breakfast. Judging by the level of leisure in this household, I'm guessing none of these lez girls woke up before noon. We'll go with lunch. Right. Leonard:

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Back at The Walshes....
Gabe is walking around judging the hell out of everything. Like how Shane has Roommates who read Books. I think that book is "Generation X" by Douglas Coupland, right? Also, can I mention that if we are talking about negative influences on young people: Gabe is wearing almost-acid-washed tapered jeans from Odd Lots and a haircut that Shane from Wax would never let any post-1991 human being wear into the world. Gabe is not here to argue with Shane. He is here to take his son back. No, not Shane. The other one, who he named Shay, because apparently he was on crack when his son was born and thought Shay was an actual name.

Then Gabe looks out into the misty California sunshine and sees a lovely blonde Amazonian beauty, toweling off her young son while basking in the rays of sunlight beaming upon her.

The Man Who Came to the Legendary Home of Leisha Hailey's Sexual Exploits
Alice turns around and grabs her sheet and is like "HELP ME" as she then hits her head on the wall and tumbles into the closet. That's right. She's going heterosexual for Leonard. No, she's just putting on clothing. She's super-cute and funny here.








What all happened in that bed: Gaby and Alice, Lisa and Alice, Dana and Alice, Lara and Alice, Phyllis and Alice, Tasha and Alice. So Leonard, really, I mean. It's not like Phyllis is in a special orbit or something.

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Lesbian Squabble #24: Have You Considered Taking Your Child to Mexico?
In the Ring: Paige vs. Shane
Content/Result: Paige says that Gabe is "all bravado" and that Shane doesn't know "how a judge would rule." Shane is all like "Stop! Please!" It's hard to say who won this fight. I'd imagine that when Paige said "I'd be happy not to fuck another man for the rest of my life," in her first L Word appearance, she was probably hoping to avoid situations like this one--where her partner acts like an asshole (because of other things unrelated to her happening in her partner's life) when she is trying to be supportive. Paige is wrong. I mean, there's no way they would give Shay to Shane. They should give Shay to Keith and David in Six Feet Under, because then he can hang out with Rico's kids. Rico's kids, much like Shay, don't speak lines. We are mostly just supposed to infer the depth of their connections to other humans based on what these humans say about these children. That being said, Shane is totally wrecked here.

Paige says she can call her if she wants to talk. I hope that by "talk" she means "fuck me til you forget who you are."

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You Got Me Talkin' Pillow Talk
Leonard suggests that "Maybe it's some sort of mid life crisis or something, I mean, being a lesbian is pretty trendy these days." Tasha says he shouldn't say that in a room full of lesbians. Especially the beautiful, glammed-out, sexy, televised and wealthy lesbians who star on "The L Word" and are partially responsible for the aforementined trend. I mean, if you're going to be a trend-follower, you might as well start with Lez Girls.



[Leonard: pick up some back eps of this show, STAT, because um, someone seems to ask that question in every goddamn epsiode. Personally I feel it was best answered by Shane, who said to Mark, re: "girls can't fuck.": "Are you fucking kidding? It's completely possible! You're asking because you're--where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible. Is this a joke?" and then Jenny was all like "Do you want us to demonstrate, cause obviously that's where this is going" and Shane was like "Mark, Don't be so aggressive? Because it's embarrassing."]


[actually, that's not what being a lesbian is about, and you are sorta proving Leonard's point, and you are sounding super Go-Fishie. But that was nice. I think you def. raised my consciousness.]

[True. But again--Judge--relevance?]

Tasha is pretty much an expert on "How to give pep talks to people heading into a situation involving wallowing morale and perhaps complete catastrophe." She's a real Army of One. She's really into that whole like "look kids, you gotta do this, so you may as well be glass half full about it" thing. And she is mighty fine.
Alice is Not the Only Fruit Phyllis is at the door. Alice would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Phyllis. Because Phyllis is about to meet Tasha, and Tasha is hot hot hot, and she is gonna feel really silly. Understandably so. Phyllis looks nice in this episode, eh??



I think Jodi got that t-shirt at The Natural History Museum, where she was probably shopping for gemstones to add to the castle on the cloud that she is building in her studio. Seriously, I am all about different kinds of art, but not this kind. I'm not sure what's going on here, but it looks a little bit like a bunch of random metal crap. Just sayin'.

This is like, the most unflattering shot of a girl, ever, of Jodi:


Lesbian Squabble #25: When I Say You Sucked my Brain Out, The English Translation Is I Am In Love With You, and It is No Fun...
In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi
Content/Result: Bette says Jody was rubbing her date with that girl in her face. Jody was all like, no, I was rubbing that girl in my face. But it didn't work. Because all she could think about was Bette. Yeah yeah, we've all heard/said that one before. I don't know if this is a lame excuse, or if it's something we say to each other all the time because it's actually really true.

Hey kiddos. Listen up. You haven't been together for very long, and you've already had like, 10 fights. I don't think this is healthy for either of you. Break up.

Is this scene over yet? Seriously. C'mon.

Bla bla bla. I like the image of Jodi's head spinning because Bette makes her head spin. Bette tells her she is a "fucking heartbreaker." Bla bla BLA! Bla bla bla.

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All the people from the cubicle factory are sitting at their laptops, watching Cherry-Poppin' Gang Bang. They are waiting for Max to show up. That silly Max. Always binding his breasts.

One of the drones texts another: "Why don't we just start without him ... her ... it?" Oh, that's a good one! You should be on "The Office." Max finally comes in. He's late for the meeting because he is a man trapped in a woman's body. Maybe he's trapped in my body, because I am always late for everything.


The boss hates nothing more than when you make excuses for yourself. He doesn't even let his own daughter get away with that.

Okay, it kinda feels like every line in this episode--if you really take it out and look at it--doesn't mean much of anything. E.G., of course he would be strict with his daughter. That's called like, parenting? Or before when Shane told her Dad: "You come in here and you build yourself up because you're a pathetic fuck." OK. Huh? Right. You tell 'em! (So? Make a point. Don't waste words. Haven't you read strunk & white? What is this, page 4 of my 15-page wordy-as-hell recap? Listen to me! Eliminate Useless Words!!)

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In the Ring: Jenny vs. Tina
Content/Result: Jenny and Tina are arguing about why "Nina" went back to men. This made me think about writing workshops, when you try to critique someone's story, and they're like "But it really happened!" and you're like "So? This is a fiction writing class. Who cares what happened?" and then they start crying and cutting themselves again, just like in the "story." And then they run to the bathroom to throw up their carrot sticks.




The director, fighting off autograph requests from extras in cheap bikinis at the "networking pool" soundstage they use for scenes like this in Los Angeles, suggests that "It could use a twist, just a little more intrigue, like maybe she's a princess in another time and she reveals that she's been fighting it, bcause I need an image, like a tiara." Jenny has a better idea:
When Life Feeds You Lesbians, Get Lesbian Aid.


Silly Phyllis, this show isn't about employment! What do you think this is, "The West Wing"? I just commented that these girls never go to work, and Hav pointed out that it's probably a weekend, and then Kim pointed out that no one in my apartment goes to work either, and so I sort of had to agree with that.

We do work though, a little. Just at weird times. And not for like, 40 hours a week. We work at home and play artist. Lauren has a day job. That's why we never see her. And now, as I write this, it is 4pm on a Monday, and neither Maggie or I have left the house for any sort of "job." And, perhaps, I do spend a good deal of time in coffee shops and bars, talking about "projects." Which is why you all should give me money please. See donation button. Yeah, we live the Alice-lifestyle, I guess. Except for the 15 hours I spend on this baby.

This is a good set-up for a Barbie commercial or something. Or they could be playing "Girl Talk." Did you ever play "Girl Talk"? Hey, Leonard was in Crazy/Beautiful. Did you see Kirsten Dunst in that movie? Fantastic. No really. I mean, she looked hot. All wrecked and shit. So did Jay Hernandez. It actually inspired me to go out and hook up with a Puerto Rican guy.



She's in the secret club, that Phyllis. You can tell she's a real lesbian because she told Leonard if she was ever going to be with a man again, she would be with him. If she was bi or straight, she probably would have chosen someone hotter, like Jonathan Rhys Myers, who is starring in this new show called "The Tudors."

When they leave Alice asks: "Who needs a drink, huh?" Ha!



I wish I wasn't prone to anxiety attacks if I try to relax for more than 20 minutes and could spend a day chilling on the bed with all my hot friends. I don't think I've done that since like, boarding school. Although hopefully when I become a famous artist, I can pull one of those Jon-Yoko bed-in things and not get anxiety about that.

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Didn't I Give You Everything that a Woman Possibly Can? Honey, You Know That I Did!
Why is that ipod in such a huge box? Is it a trick box? Why doesn't Shay ever talk? It's almost like he's the kid in the school play whose parents complained that he didn't get a big part, so they gave him a big part and just took all his lines away because he's no good at memorization. Or enunciation. Or like, "facial expressions." Shane put all the songs they listen to together on the ipod. That's a good gift. He can listen to that while his Dad is boning some meth addict he picked up at Wal-Mart.

I Want You to Come on, Come on, Come on and Take It! Take Every Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby!
Gabe shows him how to put the headphones in the headphone jack. Later, he'll reference this action as "The Talk." You know, when he taught Shay how to deal with the ladies. He doesn't understand at first how to turn it on. That's okay, Gabe, I didn't get it either at first. Gabe says he loves Janis Joplin. Guess what, dude, even though she's dead: JANIS JOPLIN DOESN'T LIKE YOU.

Shane tells Shay to be good to himself and that she's here if he needs her. He gives her that Goofus and Gallant face, per always. They drive off. Shane does the full-body cry, when she compacts all 100 pounds of her into a small ball of sorrow. It gets me every time. Oh right. Except this time.




This episode is kinda depressing.
Her boots are hot. I think I saw Debbie Gibson wearing that shirt on the cover of YM magazine in 1992, though. Maybe she should take off all her clothes so I can focus on the boots. Max needs a nice woman around. Yay.

Maggie, Max's sister, doesn't want him to go to the funeral. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE CAN'T SHAVE HIS FUCKING SOULPATCH (HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS?!!!), PUT ON SOME NORMAL GENDER-NEUTRAL DUDS LIKE THE ONES THE REST OF US HAVE BEEN WEARING SINCE THE BIRTH OF JO MARCH AND GO TO THE GODDAMN FUNERAL. People will be like "her ... she ... it?" but that's like--their problem. Max needs to shave that thing and just like, go.

Okay, what's the funeral for? Well, Max's Mom died. I can't really talk about this scene. If you have a problem with that, I'm going to cut your fucking tits off.

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Back at the Lock-In...
Alice is pouring wine into toothpaste holders and mugs. I love when it gets down to that. When you're like "Did we break all the wine glasses? What about that plastic one from the Dollar store? Oh, it's dirty. Um, what's that? A half-filled cup from Subway? Yeah uh, rinse it out."

They try to find out about Papi's lady-that-she's sprung over (it's Kit, y'all!), and Catherine calls and Papi says Helena is sprung, and also they make fun of her. It's cute. I point out that when the four of them are on the bed, Papi has slept with all three of the girls on the bed (Alice, Tasha, Helena). Then I told Kim "that's what it's like to hang out with [redacted]."

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Never, Never, Never Hear Me When I Cry At Night, Oh, I Cry All The Time!
While Shane and Alice talk, Haviland and I discuss how Shane and I look very similarly when we are having mental breakdowns. As in, the hoodie, the walk, the smashing of the face and the eyeliner with the palm of the hand, etc. I do that. Yes, exactly that. I believe there is photographic evidence of this...yes. On your left, that's December 06. A glorious day. I did a blog about seasonal affective disorder. I meant it as a joke, since it's summer that I actually hate, but I really was sad. Like Shane. Shane, who is sad because they took Shay away.

Normally Shane would go get some drugs or fuck some girl. But this is Season Four. In Season Four, we do art therapy. First, she calls Alice.

When you get a call from your super-tough friend and she's crying on the street, that's when you like, take off the bathrobe, put on your Go-Go-Gadget sweatpants, and go save her.

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Kit is embracing a bottle of beer and Angus lurks into the background, looking all lollipop-headish, and tells Kit she shouldn't be drinking. Oh Angus. Shove it. Then he says he would like to give her a ride home but she don't want none of it. So he asks if he can talk to her. This part is awesome. I love Kit. She's like, my favorite character this season, behind Jenny.

I am totally gonna do that the next time someone cheats on me and then tries to make up for it with their easy words. And um, I know I should be upset about the alcohol thing, or like, her going back to the bottle ... but dude. Kit totally RULES right now. Drink up, kitten. Sorry.

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Isn't this like, slander or whatever? They keep name-dropping real people into fake storylines. E.g., Tina discovered Sofia Coppola, and now this guy was the "first" to "marry independent film with commercial success." Oh, gross. No he isn't. This dude is responsible for the careers of Gus Van Sant and Quentin Tarantino, says Tina. Really? Jesus. He looks like a reptile.


The trio move into the theater, where Lawrence is about to knock their socks off with something so weird and amazing that it goes all the way past bad and into good and bounces back to amazing.


Thank you, Jenny, for calling out this SUPREME inaccuracy. Finally. For those of you who don't know, he could not be more wrong. Here's why: 1. Desert Hearts, 2. Go Fish, 3. All Over Me, 4. Bar Girls, 5. D.E.B.S, 6. Saving Face, 7. Bound, 8. Boys Don't Cry, 9. But I'm a Cheerleader, 10, Imagine Me and You, 11. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love, 12. Gia, 13. If These Walls Could Talk 2, 14. High Art, 15. Kissing Jessica Stein, 16. Lost and Delirious, 17. Personal Best. I'm sure there's some I'm missing. So let's say 20 totally lesbian-ified-lesbian-specifically films out of what, like 10 gazillion films about other people? And like, maybe 10 about bisexual psychopaths who like threesomes, murder, vivid violent daydreams and tight camisoles?

First of all, I can't often say this about Jenny, but if I were in her (probably super-expensive and uber-trendy) shoes, I would do the exact same thing. I mean, none of these dudes get what she's trying to do. So she might as well do something totally insane and out there, like a musical. Wow. If anyone could turn anything of mine into a musical, ever, I mean, please do.

Dayenu.
And then ... just when you thought your life had reached the tippie-top of complete and total perfection, that for you, this show had reached it's absolute glory---MARINA is the woman directing this bizzare musical rendition of "Lez Girls: The Musical."


The Ditty Bops look totally freaky, like they were brought in from the set of some sci-fi brainwashing movie. The other girls are dressed in latex hot-pants from a mid-90s Paula Abdul music video. There are a lot of thighs flexed and toes pointed. In the seats, Jenny eyes Marina, rolls her eyes, hides behind her eyes. She is feeling something like disbelief also that she is inching towards her favorite thing of all which is to get involved in something that is so so so so so terrible that it is, as Haviland and I often say: "Terrible/AWESOME."

I hope Season 5 is directed by Christopher Guest and is The Making of "Lez Girls," The Musical. Ooo....I hope they get Amy Ray involved on some of these tracks. This could really be something. I see young lithe dancer girls wearing next-to-no-clothing prancing around singing fun silly lyrics.


The only thing that could make this better is if there was somehow ice skates involved. And, perhaps, a small carnival. And Peaches. The fruit or the musical artist.

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I think she was talking about DANA!.....
The girls are sitting on the billboard in their hoodies, bein' buddies. They are talking about their emotions. Then they decide to take a walk on the wild side. Why not? They've got nothing left to lose. Just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...
I think this scene is better if you imagine that it's Kate and Leisha hanging out, not Shane and Alice. Honestly, I'm surprised they resisted the urge to product plug. Eh--what the hell. I'll do it for ya.

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