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It's 6:17 AM on Tuesday. Circa 2AM, I was pretty certain I'd have this lovely epic up for y'all before 3AM. But then um, t.b called, and she had this really long story, like a box set? Which is usually a term used for CDs, not books, but whatever, I mean, wheee umactually, I was only planning on a novella, but She brought the whole set and what--

Right. Um--The L Word! Yes. I saw it on Sunday night. Who are these people in this photo below me? Mica from Showtime isn't speaking to me anymore, so I don't have advance DVD copies. That's fine. Once was enough. Oh also, I'm gonna be a Guestbian! (read all about it in my last post here, or my last post on my other blog, and, p.s, I'd like to thank Slo-Green-X)

Right, this thing, A vision of ambivalence: Heather, Haviland, myself, Tara, Sara:



I WANT TO LOVE THIS SHOW. I want it to be the best of everything we could hope for: I want it to suck my dreams right out of my brain and then play them out on the screen, but in better shoes and with trendier haircuts. I want it to be a fucking masterpiece. I want every sex scene to be as raw and heartbreaking as Tina and Bette's angry-fuck from the Season One Finale or Shane walking the length of Cherie Jaffe's pool with her eye on the window where Cherrie is watching Shane, both of them hungry/giddy and genuine and hot as hell. I want every joke to be as brilliant as Jenny leaping across the desk at Curve magazine and yelling "Publishers Weekly dot com!" or the girls talking shit on the basketball court. I want poetry. I WANT 54 MINUTES OF PURE POETRY. I want the most beautiful thing anyone could ever create and still call their creation "television." Like "Six Feet Under" or "The West Wing" or whatever else is good. I don't know. I don't watch TV. I want I want I WANT. But this is what we have, so that's that!

I love these characters--honestly, in one incarnation or another, they have each captured me, but part of that is because of the story I've created in my own mind--about myself, mostly, but about them on the surface--that brings me back. It's about hanging out with my friends, and having a narrative for the friends in virtual space, which can be more visceral than one might expect.

I WANT TO LOVE THIS SHOW. I really do. But sometimes....







1. Jody/Jodi: You'd think that something like this (the spelling of the name 'Jodi') is something I could manage to execute consistently in each week's recap. I don't know why I don't. I think it's because of global warming.

2. The guy at the pool is apparently so famous that Haviland assumed I knew who he was and didn't even point it out. Gary Marshall. Directed "Pretty Woman," which Jenny references in her quote. This proves only one thing: I am not so smart, no really, you would be amazed. Don't let the number of words I write confuse you. It is 95% insanity.

3. The last director in the interview process, the one with the brilliant musical idea, is Lawrence Bender, who, according to aj in the comments from last week, "played a huge role in the careers of quentin tarantino and gus van sant." This proves only one thing: The boy who cried wolf, y'all! I mean, if Tina hadn't been credited with discovering S. Coppola, then I never would have doubted this eventual truthiness.

4. I own a churro factory.




It's an inconvenient truth all right.
This is our 345th new character of the season: Al Gore, Phyllis's new love interest. Leonard is all like, "Phil, I thought you said if you were going to be with a man again it would be with me." She's all like "Oopsie!" The bottom-banner, usually reserved to announce the premiere of the Tudors on April 1st (Want to know what I think about this little gobblediguck? Check out my review of the first episode of The Tudors), kindly informs us that the L-Word will begin at 10:15, after this thing is over.

Me: You know why they're doing this, right? Because we're gay.
Haviland: They wouldn't do this to Grey's Anatomy.
Me: They'd never deprive America of McDreamy. But oh, the lesbos? Whatever, here: global warming, simmer on that, lesbos.


Me: I can tell you one thing for sure. Al Gore is not a lesbian.
Haviland: There is nothing about Al Gore that is a gay lady.
Me
: Can you imagine Al Gore having sex? He'd be all like uh--uh--yes, that's goood--uh--Tipper--uhhh---oh!
Haviland:
Tipperrrr---Tipperr--Tip--Oh, Tip!

(ten minutes later)

Haviland: I think it's funny to say YEAH TIPPER!
Heather: Tip Her, I barely even know her!

I mention that Al Gore is having a Jenny moment, so Haviland does a Jenny moment. I was laughing too hard to even pay attention but it ended with "Because I'm a woman. Who likes to fuck other women. I'm interested in gay women fucking other gay women."






Tara: They should do it where it makes a difference, like before a show---I mean not to make a big stereotype about lesbians being politically active but----
Me
: But c'mon. Lesbians believe in global warming, I mean, right? [everyone nods like: RIGHHHT]
Haviland:
They should do it before like, Entourage.
Heather:
Yeah, like, we obviously all know about global warming---
Haviland: At least we all know that Melissa Etheridge song.




Lesbian Sexy Moment #22: Whatever Rocks Your Horse, Ladies
The Players: Helena and Catherine
The Pick-Up: "We sit here and drink champagne as our horse crosses the finish line--here."
Hot or Not? At first you think Catherine is totally off her rocker and is getting Helena a tummy tuck, which would be nutso because Helena has a perfect abdominal area. Then you realize Catherine is totally off her rocker and is painting a horse track on Helena's stomach with the Sharpie she keeps on her bedstand every time she needs to create a visual aid. Oh wait. That's lipstick. I bet that's expensive lipstick she's wasting right now. Hopefully they can earn that back at the horse races. Helena was like "I'm sorry, please explain this oval of which you speak. I am only familiar with circles, which I just learned from Papi." Then it's over, before you can really decide either way.


She Tested Very High on the Stroke-Ability Scale
These girls are completely manic. They are nekkid in bed, playing with lipstick and talking about horse races. Catherine says if Helena thinks poker is exciting, she is gonna La-La-LOVE the horse races and she can double her winnings. Which she will need to replace those sheets tha she's about to stain really bad with that Chanel vamp. But anyhow, yay Boobies! Catherine wants Helena to invite her friends, especially "the little dark twisted one." Totes. If I was having any kind of party anywhere, I'd fo-sho invite Jenny.


Guess What Sound We Made When We Saw 'Written by Elizabeth Ziff.' I'll Give You A Hint: Think "Dying Horses."
In case there was still a bone in your body that was attracted to post-soul-patch Max, the opening zinger in this scene should change your mind:

Grace: "You were kissing a mouse on the lips?"
Max: "Yeah, I found it under the house and then the little fucker bit me."

That's how Max learned that people are supposed to play with other people, not with vermin. This is like Gummo. Rabies is the new Crabs, at least in Wilmette. Wow. I mean. Do I even have to come up with my own joke for this? I'm sure you made an equally hilarious one in your own living room.


If This Was 'The Anniversary Party,' There Would Be LSD at the Dinner Party, and That Would Set Everyone Free
Bette is putting together an 11-person dinner party which does not a force of nature make, according to Jodi. However, 11 large multi-colored sequins on an otherwise unoffensive cotton t-shirt DOES a force of nature make, Jodes. Bette tells Jodi that she's "never met anybody like" her.

Me: What's that, she's never met any total twats before?
Heather: She means she's never known someone deaf.

Then Amy walks by, spots Jodi, and decides this would be a good moment to pop out a can of high drama whoop-ass. I think we should all be forced to fight in sign language, it's so intense--although I suppose we sometimes do. E.G: the hand-gesture one makes while throwing a cell phone at a wall----that probably means something. Like "we have officially become one of those psycho-couples that throw high-cost items like cell phones at hard surfaces like walls.'"





Lesbian Squabble #27: Talk to the Hands, Biznatch
In the Ring:
Jodi and Amy
Content/Result: Amy is mad that Jodi didn't call her, and she has all these feelings, etc. I think I'm going to start building things out of bed-frames and chain-link jump-ropes and see what happens. Amy's like 'why didn't you call me at home?' How could Jodi call her at home? She's deaf! Hey, doesn't this look like a frame from a deaf Mobster movie?:
She's all like "When my family is finished with your ass, your hearing will be the last of your five senses you've gotta worry about, you fucking heartbreaker."

Jodi was like "you told me you understood" (re: Jodi not wanting to be tied down) and Amy is like "well, I lied." Ha! This is one of many fantastic things about lesbians. That trick where girls are all like "yeah, see whoever you want, it's fine that things didn't work out with us," and what they really mean (as you will discover when you get the myspace email two weeks later) is "I've never loved anyone like you before, come be with me forever in a van down by the river. We can plant tomatoes and make love on the beach by a roaring fire." Bette doesn't know what's going on. She has that look on her face that I get when the Korean ladies at the nail place are talking about how weird it is that I want black nail polish on my fingers and something horrid like bright blue or sparkly purple on my toes and I am allegedly a grown woman. I mean, obvs I'm not sure if that's what they're saying. It's likely they aren't talking about me at all.

Then it turns out that Jodi fucked Amy all night long and then in the morning said she was in love with someone else. She sure does have a funny way of showing it. Then they yell at each other. It sounds kinda funny. Bette looks totally baffled. She said "It seems like it went really well," because one of Bette's top skills is seeming really vulnerable and control-freakish and then busting out something wry and on-point that reminds you she's still Bette Porter, goddamnit.


Max Is So Upset He Forgot How to Put on A Belt.
Grace, who must be the most dedicated girlfriend on earth (when did they meet? Like, last week?) is with Max in Wilmette. Max's sister is explaining that Dad doesn't like queers. Max explains to Grace that Dad had a word for everything, and then he lists a bunch of words that his Dad mos. def. did not make up himself. E.g. "faggot" and the n-word. Max didn't come here for Dad, little sis. Max came here to PARTY!! LADIES MOVE GENTLEMEN MOVE SOMEBODY RING THE ALARM A FIRE ON THE ROOF I mean, Max came here for Mom.

Doesn't Max's sister look kind of like: 1. Daniela Sea, 2. Scout from "To Kill a Mockingbird?, 3. A Backlot Lesbian?


Max's Dad, who looks like Willie Nelson but more grizzled and without the illustrious recording career, can't afford the mahogany casket. (This would be a good time to enlist the services of Fisher, Fisher & Diaz!) Then Max offers to pay. All that computer searching and networking networks and html platforms have paid off. Holla!


Good Day Sunshine Dah Dah Dah Dah GOOD DAY Sunshine La La La
Jared has been missing Shay so much that they can't even imagine how much Shane is missing Shay. Neither can we, because this show doesn't really dwell on the reactions of present cast members to the departure of previous cast members. That's not really healthy, p.s. No therapist would ever let them get away with this crap. Haviland thinks Paige looks like Blossom in that hat. I think she looks way wholesome. I love these two together. Jared speaks more lines in this scene than Shay did all season. Paige is pretty. Look, she should advertise chic surf-gear or like, american eagle. Look at her!


She's all like "lets go get ice cream!" Even if she came to my door at 7am and was like "Let's go get arsenic!" I'd be like, okay. Can I bring my pet monkey?

Shane: Yeah, lemme go change.

Heather: Into what? Another white t-shirt?



Just Wait Til They Read "Some of Her Parts"
Max's sister, Chevon, who was named after the gas station where she was conceived, thinks Max is disgusting. Grace is probably like "See, Max, I told you not to wear that flannel." Why's everyone freaking out? Dude, look at the girl your girl just brought home. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are telling Max that he's a freak and it's a good thing Mom isn't alive to see it. This family is like, Douchebag-O-Rama. Get outta there, Max.



You know what I like even better than stories? Novels. like, Epics. The Odyssey. Gravity's Rainbow. Infinite Jest.
Shane is growing up. She apologizes to Paige for snapping at her. Her and Paige are really cute together, all easy and fun and stuff. She's good for her. The way Paige is eating her ice cream is really erotic, and also reminds me of those old Sketchers ads with Jenny McCarthy in them.


Paige: I've missed you. And I've missed our--um [eyes her innocent young son]--story time, that one story that--in the car--that was the best story I have ever heard.
Shane: [also eyes the young lad, happily eating his Gak-colored tasti-freeze] Well, I uh, I know, I thought of some new stories. If you want me to read them to you.
Paige: Of course. Will you listen to some of mine too?
Shane: Yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

Hot!




Hungry Hearts
Jenny and Tina are meeting with a potential director for "Lez Girls," who is describing the same vision that Ilene Chaiken had for the pilot episode of "The L Word" for the "Jessie"/"Karina" meeting scene. Jenny and Tina are both creaming in their pants over this woman. Tina (who, p.s. discovered Sofia Coppola) is kissing major ass. What a gay-mo.

Kate: [pretentious, re: Jessie/Karina] That moment should just be like, visually, really intense. The sound should just like--fade away--so it's only them in the world, it's just Jessie and Karina--
Jenny: [totally feeling this RIGHT NOW] Kinda like that feeling when you meet someone and your heart begins to beat--
Tina: [TOTALLY FEELING THIS RIGHT NOW TOO] --And your mouth goes dry--
Jenny: and all the blood kinda rushes from your hands--
[the horse is dead, the horse is beaten, the horse is moaning and sad)
Director: In fact, what you can do is you can just fade the color away, just blow it out--in the last movie that I did--I just slowly drained the color
Tina: Oh My God--that scene--it was just--so visual [really? a movie? visual? WOW!] and so sensual [really? a love scene? sensual? I'm seeing what Sofia saw in you, you crafty little devil]--when I saw it at Sundance I was just--she won the audience award---
Jenny: I saw the film, Tina.


Jenny would like to drain all the color out of Tina's blood. The director would like to see Tina in a suit (that was a pick-up line). Her vision is that she's "not that interested in making people feel fucking comfortable." My dear, you have found your perfect collaborator in Jennifer "Also Not Interested in Making People Feel Fucking Comfortable" Schecter.

Me: Omigod they're both in love with her!
Sara
: Yeah, uh, wouldn't you be?

So the scene goes on--jealousy sparks, etc--

Heather: Up--This is Me!

[We think it's really funny when people say that to announce that they are getting off the subway. See in this context, it refers, I believe, to Heather's desire to get off of this episode. Unfortunately, I don't mean that in a sexual way. She just wants to like, go. Home.]





Here Comes the Showdown, What Goes Around Comes Around, Cos if We Break Up, Then We Can Make Up
Bette is being a control freak about the dinner party. Then they make out a little.




Now All It Needs is a Transsexual Pride Charm and a Computer Search Charm
Max apologizes for "dragging" Grace with him. That hotel reminds me of the one he stayed in with Jenny, except that no one is having sex in it. Mr. Sweeney brings over the charm bracelet for Moira. Grace is like "CHA-Ching! That's my bracelet now, bitches!" cuz it doesn't really go with Max's flannel. But then he pulls it out and it looks like shackles. Which is also hot, but in a different way.



Don't Miss the Fun at Dinah Shore Weekend 2007! In Palm Springs! Wear a Vest Every Day!

Me: Papi is dressed like she's about to golfing with George W. Bush.
Haviland
: Omigod, what if she really did go golfing with George W. Bush in this episode? Heather: Or Al Gore?
Me
: Talk about an inconvenient truth.
Haviland
: Or Tipper?! TIPPER! Tip-Tip-TIPPER!

Papi wants to take Kit to the horse races. Angus wants to take Kit to the altar, but in the mean-time, he's trying to help Kit with her business and her career. Because he believes in her and wants to get her up and running. You know. Like a sexbot, or something. Everyone in this scene is dressed off the Kohl's Clearance rack. My grandmother wouldn't wear that sweater that Kit has on. But you know who would? Like, a super-old Sylvan Learning Center tutor.



DOUBLE KITTISM

"I've been up and running since you were bare-ass streaking through a sprinkler."

"Forgetting to set your alarm clock is a mistake. Putting sugar in the salt shaker. That's a mistake. What he did was more than just a mistake."

I have made both of those mistakes many many times. Papi asks if she's still in love with Angus. Nope. Kit has got a new love now and his name is CAPTAIN MORGAN Y'ALL! HOLLA!. It's not funny, I guess, as any of us who have struggled with assorted self-destructive behavior know all too well. But it is, most likely, seriously, her new love. The bottle. As those of us who have struggled with assorted self-destructive behaviors know all too well.


They Can Call it "The Angelikas" and it can star this cutie-patootie, Angelika from "Rugrats" and the staff of the Angelika Movie Theater in NYC and Angela Chase, Cuz Sometimes Rayanne called her "Angelika."
Someone get this baby her own show. Look at those overalls. I want to have a baby and feed it soft snacks from pastel tupperware containers STAT. My Mom used to sell tupperware. Now she's a lesbian. Simmer on that.


No, She's Not Talking About Jodi's Ego or Max's Soul Patch
Jodi and Bette are debating the "invite Tina or not" thing. Tina notices the paper in Bette's hand and recognizes it from the old days and asks "is that a dinner party chart?" which is adorable. And she definitely succeeds in making Jodi feel totally insignificant. Oh wait, no. That could never happen, because Jodi is too full of herself. Tina would love to come. She'd like to bring her date, Kate Arden the movie director, who Jodi just happens to love. Bette's like "Oh, it's a date?" and Tina's like "Oh, I wish," and then in her head Bette is like "Oh, so Tina likes chics now? I wonder what's going on with Henry?" Or maybe that's just me. Wondering. What's going on with Henry. I mean, did they break up? What the F? I mean--it basically seems like Tina is realizing that she truly is 100% bisexual and that she will never chose one gender over the other, just one person or one secret society. Which might be A REVOLUTIONARY storyline to explore on this little program. Waa.



Have I mentioned yet how much I love Jenny? I do. I love Jenny. Can this be a Jenny Moment? Because it is. This is a Jenny Moment. Even If I'm Too Tired to Add the Words 'Jenny Moment' to this graphic.

Jenny: "Whenever I'm in a public place like this with all these people around I always have this compulsion to take off my clothes."
Catherine: "I know what you mean."

Jenny and Catherine two would be PERFECT together. They could totally just manipulate and fuck the shit out of each other until they both went crazy (again). In the meantime: bunnies. Fuckin' like bunnies.


Catherine is the Love-Child of Olive Oyl and Dr. Atkins
Alice kisses Tasha and Tasha scolds Alice for sneaking a kiss because Tasha can't do PDA (cause of the army) and Alice admits that "horse races make me hot." Papi gets some french fries. Catherine doesn't want any because she doesn't do carbs (obvs, dare she put a pound on her stylishly-anorexic skeletor-body). Jenny doesn't want any either, because she doesn't do "things that bring happiness" like french fries. She prefers misery and the dark side. The dark side doesn't have french fries, it has only mixed greens.



Jenny and Helen Keller, Sitting in a Tree, S-I-G-N-I-N-G
Jenny wonders what it would be like to date someone deaf. She's thinking about finding some disabled girlfriend for her next book. She's like "I've dated a woman, I've dated an FTM...ixnay on the German Shepard..maybe I could find someone in a wheelchair? " Papi says it would probably be "really intense" and heighten all your other senses. Like the sense of taste that Papi was missing when she had that gyro for breakfast two episodes ago. (JK! CHURRO! TOTES CHURRO!) Tasha asks if Bette is learning how to sign, and Kit's like "I'm sure she's all over it." Obvs. That's why we love Bette.


First: Car Talk. Then: Baseball. Then: Shave and a Haircut. Then: HOOTERS!!
Dad's like, "OK, if you really are a boy now, then it's time to talk about cars." He tells Max about how sick his Mom was, like that she had to wear diapers, but he didn't mind taking care of her. Max apologizes, and it sounds real. Daniela, you're shapin' up to be quite a little "actor." I can't wait to get your autograph at the Short Bus party on Thursday. Better be there, he, she it, whatever!


That Briefcase Itself Is Probably Worth More Than The Entire Contents of my Bank Account Right Now
Helena and Catherine are betting $100,000 on a horse Catherine claims is "a sure thing." God, how can people even hang out with them without wanting to stab their eyes out? At least Helena spread the wealth. Catherine is just like "I'm rich, bitches!!"

Haviland: She's like a 40s movie star. They both are. They should like, do their own like lesbian 40s movie.
Me
: They could call it "The Sewing Club."



Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are!
Jenny, who is swaddled in rags from the Olde World, is like "Did y'all see how much money Catherine bet on that horse?" and you can see the twinkle in her little eye (the twinkle=she wants Catherine to show HER the money). Then Tasha sees something worse out of her little eye---

Don't Ask, Don't Tell. No Really. Don't Tell. Please, Seriously Dude, Totes Don't Tell
It's Private Brown! He never expected to see Tasha at the races and he was totally suspicious of Tasha's companions until Tasha explained "I'm just here with some friends." Dude! That was the most un-smooth thing ever. Who else would you be there with? Your Captors? Strangers? Your Girl Scout Troop? Your white family? LESBIANS?!


The Only Thing That Would Make this Better is if Dykes on Bikes Blew Through Right Now. Put THAT on your Fucking Clipboard.
Then these two come by in a big gust of Lesbionic Love, totally blowing Tasha's chances of seeming not-gay. Actually, is it odd that Alice, who's always like, in a skirt so poofy it takes ten minutes to remove, today has dressed like she just rummaged through her great-grandfathers closet and then forgotten to shower? The Private is getting onions for his pregnant wife. Oh, women. Tasha explains: "He's a born again homophobe who thinks he should have my job." Yeah, I doubt his preggers wife would be down with that, she needs him at home to rub her feet and bring her onion rings.



Moira is In a Better Place Now. In a Baggie. (That's a Kelka Reference, P.S)
At the wake, this fat woman chomps away at the free deli meats and says ignorant stuff. Max's Dad introduces Max as "Fiona's cousin's son from California" and says they haven't heard from Moira. It's like Ghost or something. Oh and P.S:





See: Foreshadowing.
Guess what? For those of you who missed the last three episodes: Money and gambling make Catherine and Helena get HOT HOT HOT! Isn't that interesting? Let's do some more of this. Who cares about the other characters and their storylines and their sexual tension, or their relationships? Have Max and Grace fucked? Are Shane and Paige developing real feelings for each other? How's it going with Tasha and Alice behind closed doors?


Lesbian Sex Moment #8: Let's do THIS again. We've got all the time in the world! I mean, this isn't like an 11-episode show or anything. I mean, it's Hot. But. You Know?
The Players:
Helena and Catherine
The Pick Up: "She's going to win."
Hot or Not? Um, predictable. But, y'know. Hot still. These two are hot when they are having sex because Helena has these adorable British orgasms.


Girls Gone Wild 345: Day at the Races
Tasha, btw, is soooooo not having it. Private Brown is gonna see this and then he's going to: 1. cum in his pants, 2. try to get Tasha fired. 3. Make us all sad, because we heart Tasha. I don't want bad things to happen to her. She's so pretty and smart and cool and wears that hot leather jacket and has a cute butt.



This was LOL funny (also note Kit chugging her beer in the background)

Alice: Fucking Fuck! Fuck me!
Jenny: I just won.
Alice: You bet on Edmund Steere?
Jenny: Yup.
Alice: What?
Jenny: Yeah, I like the name.
Alice: You sat there stone faced, no emotion, and you won.
Tasha: Hey guys, lets get out of here.
Jenny: I'm gonna go collect my three hundred dollars--
Tasha: Let's go, guys.
Alice: But--you didn't even care?
Jenny: Do you wanna go get the money?
Alice: But you didn't even care--

To add insult to injury, Helena lost the money she was going to invest in OurChart. That means until HelCat makes it big in poker, we will only be able to see our first 9 friends on the friends page, and our profile will never adjust to reflect that we have more friends than we did in the first 24 hours of our joining. When Helena apologizes, Alice is just like, over it. Because Obvs it's ridic for Catherine to claim it is Helena's money on the line when she owes Helena all this money etc. Helena, RUN! RUNNNNNNN



To Fiona Sweeney, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar
Max says he's not gonna go to the funeral because it would take the focus away from his Mom. He's probably right. I mean, it sucks. Like, sucks a lot. I wish the world wasn't like this. But he's not going to change things by attending the funeral----and so it's pretty mature (and really difficult, too) that he is accepting this and moving on. Hopefully moving on to Grace's lap.

Moira: "I'm Max Sweeney, who used to be Moira. Don and Fiona's daughter."

Stuart Smalley: And I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and Goddammit, people like me!




I'll Dinner Your Party.
Bette is setting up for the dinner party. When I had a dinner party, "setting up" meant that Haviland I tucked large blankets underneath the coffee table and put pillows on top of the blankets and called it "a table and chairs." Then I lit all our $1.99 Jesus candles and served spaghetti from a large cafeteria-esque pot. But this whole poolside deck Pier-1 lighting thing is nice, too. I can see where she's coming from with this.

Bette's worried that Jodi might not catch every beautiful and eloquent line of dialogue her buddies are certain to spout forth when sitting at the same table, but Jodi tells Bette that it's okay, she's going to miss things, even if she can't see everyone's lips. (Side note: this will turn out to be a good thing. It would be best if she just focused on the lips of Alice, that's where the best stuff comes from, usually) I had a similar conversation with my ex Chris before he met my friends, because he was dumb and my friends are smart. Limited vocabulary, etc. Anyhow what am I talking about.....right....

.
I'll Sign Your Language.
Jodi wants Bette to meet her friends in New York, but Bette doesn't think she knows enough sign language for that. Jodi points out that all her friends aren't deaf. We point out that Bette already knows the words for "place-cards" and "subtle."


I've Done This Trick With Things I Won't Even Like, Mention Here.
Jodi says that she loves Bette. Then she sticks the seating chart down her pants. Then they kiss a little. Then Bette goes to her room and sniffs the seating chart.



Me: Oh great, a funeral.
Heather
: Let's turn this show RIGHT around!



Seriously, no-one notices him there? This is like Ghost.



FESTEN!


When in Doubt, Alice Goes with The Gold.
I think that's Tasha's go-to outfit. I still love these two. They balance each other out. It's not the same spark that Alice had with Dana--I'm sorry, wait--Dana. Right. Don't think about white elephants. Who's Dana? Who's Nadia? Who's Mark? Who's Lindsay and Stacey?? No, AliTash are cute. Love it.


ALSO I LOVE...
I love how sometimes in conversation, the characters just re-cap what else happened in the episode instead of introducing new character development. Or they do exposition like "What's really crazy is that Helena isn't here tonight because she's gambling!" Thanks, thanks. Excellent. How much time do we have left? Tasha expresses her despair over the skybox/sex thing, and Kit's all like "What were they doin' up in that skybox?" in that voice that kinda makes us all cringe a little. Jenny's like OOOO! OO!! Pick me! Pick me! I want to say my favorite word!


"Fucking. Bette, they were fucking."
-Jenny

Also, re: the hat. Jenny. What is this, Powder? I mean, Really Papi?


Speaking of Fucking...
Then Alice asks Paige and Shane where they were when they should have been at the horse races. I love that she even has to ask this. I mean, normally, one might assume "AT WORK" or, in Paige's case, "watching my son," but this is an alternate reality where people just do things whenever. In any event, it's a nice lead-in to Paige and Shane being really cute about the "box set" of "stories" they were "reading." Perhaps we could have seen a page or two of that manuscript? No pun intended! ha! Get it? PAIGE/PAGE?!! Wow. Shane looks hot again. Everything is new again, etc, lemon tree, magic, you know.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: BETTE PORTER

Bette: "That's so sweet, you read stories to Paige's son."
Alice: "Really sweet."
Bette (to Jodi, signing): "They were fucking all day."



Kate and Tina enter and Kate acts much less cool than she did during the meeting. She's all talkin' about her film and being weird to Jodi. Paige asks Shane if she's seen the film. Shane's like, no, I prefer reading the book. "They're so pretentious," Paige adds. WORD.

Kate's first short film showed at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. Shock me, shock me.



In the Jungle, The Mighty Jungle, The Lion Sleeps Tonight--a Weem-oh-Way a Weem-oh-Way
The stuff about the nails and the monkeys and the horses and stuff kinda reminded me of the nipple confidence thing they tried to pull of in Ep 1. I know I'm gonna get berated for this (for the record, I always wanted a monkey, so much so that I had about 10 stuffed monkeys and always said I hate all animals but monkeys, and I look at my hand the gay way too, so that's that), but I could barely sit through this scene without screaming. But I'd like to add that no one ever got off from riding a monkey. But the gay girls didn't need that, they were like, feeling each other up in the basement while their parents ate meatloaf upstairs and the straight girls learned dressage. They ask Jodi for her opinion on the matter:




Have You Noticed that Paige and Tasha Have Become Like, The Cool Cucumbers Who Usually Act the Coolest and Most Appropriately in Potentially Awkward Situations?
Jodi is sort of perplexed through this scene, but she's okay with that, and I am too, and Paige is good, and um, Jodi says she would have wanted neither, she wanted to drive a race car. Hazel will "drive" your "race car."

P.S. Gorillas aren't monkeys, Alice. Sorry! I did a report on it. Why? Because I took a class in college I used to call "Monkey Class," but it was actually "primates something something something." I took that class because that's how much I love monkeys. Also, I think I have a lot of physical qualities that are like a monkey's, e.g. long arms.

Kate is being sort of pretentious and talking about how you "never see" "a girls' contemporary coming of age movie" because you "never get to see anything about girl's sexuality." But she's acting like this is because no one wants to MAKE those movies, and now HALLEH-FUCKING-LUJAH! Luckily she's here to save the day! That's not true. Plenty of women want to make these movies, they just can't get them funded or distributed properly. Also, um, race cars? Really, Papi? Is it called "Twisted Forest"? OOO! Kate, you should direct "Lez Girls"! Oh wait. Um...


Lesbian Squabble #28: However, Tina Would LOVE to ACT OUT a Sex Scene RIGHT NOW. Right? (right?)
In the Ring: Bette vs. Tina, but totally subtle-like. Bette's just tryin' to pull a quick cock-block when Kate is talking about how great the finger-fucking scene was in her last "film."

Bette: Tina doesn't really like sex scenes in movies.
Tina: I don't?
Bette: Well, you just told me that you didn't. It made you uncomfortable.
Jenny: I actually liked the sex scene in the film.

Sorry....Tina wins. I mean, she could have reacted to Bette's fairly immature jab and she chose not to. Bette needs to get out of this relationship with Jodi, they are really just not compatible at all. I feel like Jodi just makes Bette feel so vulnerable and unsure of everything, and that's not a good place for her to be. She was better with Tina, because Tina likes having someone tell her what to do.

Then Kate says she came out to do the movie because she googled Tina and saw a hot picture of her. I can relate to that.


I Was Gonna Be Like "Why do they keep having dinner parties? They always end in disaster because this web of friends is so complicated." Then I realized my web and I do the same thing, like, all the time.
Before this gets out of hand, Bette wants to make a toast to Jodi: Bette pops up to make Jodi feel really used because she makes a toast to Jodi just to interrupt Tina's moment of glory. It's kind of sad and pathetic all around. Like, I just feel bad for her.



Then Bette notices that Kit is drinking. She asks Kit "What the fuck are you doing?" Can I tell you a secret? Okay. Cross your heart and hope to die? That is so not the start of a good convo. In fact, it is actually the start of a....

LESBIAN SQUABBLE!!!


Lesbian Squabble #29: Not The Best Way to Stage an Intervention?
In the Ring: Bette and Kit, but Jodi sticks her head in for a moment to tell Bette to like, just stop. Because Bette: we love you so much it hurts. And this: this hurts. Stop. Later. Don't. Not now. Please. Bette. Please. Thanks.
Content/Result: Oh, man. I guess this was a long time comin'.

Bette: Kit, what the fuck are you doing?
Kit: Um, mind your own business, what about you?
Jodi: Bette--don't--
Bette: Don't tell me what to do, you don't understand, my sister shouldn't be drinking--
Jodi: [all like Really Papi?]- I know--
Bette: Has she been drinking all night?
Papi: Yeah, a little, why?
Bette: Because my sister's a fucking alcoholic, that's why.
Alice: Papi doesn't know that, Bette.
Kit: Bette, you know it's really not your place to tell me what I should do and what I shouldn't do, you understand? Matter of fact--a double, hey? [chugs the wine] Mmmmm--Hey Jodi, it was really nice to meet you, you're all that girl, c'mon Papi, take me on home, I gotta roll on outta here.

I don't know who wins. I think Bette should have waited. She just "outed" Kit to Papi and Paige and that wasn't Kit's choice. This wasn't the right venue, and her control freak tendencies are getting the best of her. Oh, Bette. Bette, we love you ...




Lesbian Squabble #30: No Matter What Happens, Alice Will Always Be Cute, Shane Will Always be Sexy, Jenny Will Always Be Funny-Crazy, and Jennifer Beals Will Always Be a Fantastic Actress.

In the Ring: Bette V. Jodi.

Content/ Result: Jodi says it was awkward. Bette agrees. She blames it on Kit. Jodi blames it on Bette. Honestly, they both have really valid points in this argument. I couldn't really declare a winner. Oh yes. I could. Time. Time wins, because we got to see Al Gore AND The L Word and a Tudors preview, all neatly tucked into an hour of television pleasure. (UGH!)

Some good points that Jodi makes include: "If I wanted an interpreter at the party, I would have brought Tom!"
(silly us, assuming Tom was in that binding two-episode contract favored by so many other L Word bit players, e.g. Nadia, Stacey, Lindsay, Brooke, Hazel, Henry, Henry's devil-child).

Bette has had a hard night--and, it's likely her control-freak personality developed as a result of her requirement to be more "together" than her older sister and to hold down the fort when the family went awry. Maybe if Jodi knew more about Bette's life, she'd get that...but sometimes people just don't go together. That's just that. Just sayin'.

Bette: I was just trying to help you--I wanted you to feel more comfortable--
Jodi: Oh, were you? Or were you just trying to control everything? And interpret what you wanted me to hear and to know?
Bette: That is complete and utter bullshit. Not to mention fucking INSULTING!
Jodi: You're insulted? Well, what about me?
Bette: The whole evening was for you! I mean, I threw a dinner party FOR YOU, I bent over backwards to make sure it went smoothly FOR YOU--
Jodi: You can't handle it
Bette: I can't handle what?!!
Jodi: That communication is different with me. That it isn't exactly how you want it to be.
Bette: Well, no, it's not exactly how I want it to be, I feel fucking incompetent at every turn but you know what? I think that I have worked very hard to learn to communicate with you and I think that we do pretty well--I just--I just didn't want it to be hard with my friends tonight--
Jodi: Ohhhhh I'm so sorry it was hard for you--
Bette: That's not what I said.
Jodi: Well, what did you say?
Bette: I said--Uh---(turns around)--I want to be in a relationship with someone who works with me--
Jodi: Bette--You want to be in a relationship with someone who works FOR you.
Bette: What are you trying to say?
Jodi: I saw it tonight--you tried to control everything--you wanted to--you tried to control Tina, you tried to control what you said to the director, you tried to control Kit--and you wanted to be my interpretor and control how I talk to everyone--
Bette: Fuck you. Fuck you. I was just trying to do what's best for you.
Jodi: Oh how do the hell do you know what's best for me?
Bette: You didn't know what was going on half the time--you weren't there--you didn't even TRY to be engaged--
Jodi:Oh REALLY? How the fuck do you know? Are you having my experience? Are you fucking deaf?
Bette: Oh--Jesus. I had no idea you felt so fucking persecuted. It makes me feel really sad for you. To think that for one moment you should just ask yourself: What am I experiencing? What is MY fucking experience?

Honestly, I don't know how to call this one. Thoughts?




The Round-Up:
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, SEVEN total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: ONE this episode, TWENTY-ONE total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, THIRTY total
Quote of the Week:Bette

24 comments:

  1. Greengrassblueskies said...

    Great recap. I just discovered your page and I am laughing as I read. Nice work. I thought the final scene with Jodi and Bette was really well-acted and well-written. It was time for Bette to be brought up for her personality and Jodi nailed it. Maybe Bette will evolve a little - it's good to see over the seasons how Bette's character has come through on the screen. It's a testament to Jennifer Beals that I see Bette as a full character. When I think about the other characters on the show, my view is not as full. Bette has a fairly nuanced characterization compared to, for example, Alice. I love Leisha and her character is precious but do you feel like you have a take on her and who she is? I don't - or at least not to the same extent as Bette. At any rate maybe Bette will grow beyond control. Wouldn't it be nice to watch someone change for the better? Doesn't happen too often and doesn't get shown quite this well (if it ends up that she evolves) in a television series.

    Anyway, thanks for the great recap.

    GGBS  

  2. Laura said...

    We were exactly the same when we saw 'Elizabeth Ziff' had written the episode. Head in hands we lost all hope for this episode and maybe the rest of the season (all two remaining ep's).

    The rest of the evening consisted of repeatedly shouting 'Fucking Betty' in desperation, (to the amusement of my other flatmate who thought this meant that 'Ugly Betty' had written the episode)! Which probably would have been more amusing.

    At least your blog keeps us laughing even when we fear that all hope has gone, and for that, I thank you x  

  3. Bridget said...

    ok thank all the gods i did read your tudors post totally wrong!

    I vote that bette wins kinda - cause jodi is anti-babies, anti-relationship and apparently anti-friends.

    but jodi is right on with bettes major inappropriateness...

    also didn't you notice how by the end of the episode her hair was like huge - the more bette looses control and freaks out the more her hair frizzes...

    ok i vote alice wins...yeah alice and tasha win b/c you know they went home and said "that's some crazy alcoholic shit." and "what the friggin frack - jodi wanted to drive a race car?" then they had really great sex.  

  4. Anonymous said...

    hey, great blog! i just wanted to know...am i the only person who's still wondering what happened to nadia?? just a thought.  

  5. Laia said...

    reading your weekly post is one of the most amusing things of the working week...thanks again!
    btw, i hope this argument really means the end of bette and jodi. i can see how tibette is coming at the end of the season (did you hear laurel's interview in the podcasts?). after hearing that interview i realized that, despite the poorness of her character tina, laurel holloman is one of the smartest and nicest actresses in the cast.  

  6. bloxtox said...

    ahhh... my week is complete. uhm... right now it's 3.10pm melbourne, Australian time. is it weird that i waited 7 - 8 hours for your recap and kept refreshing ur blog page every 20 minutes?? uhh.. maybe a little bit... yeah...

    anyway it was all worth it!! now i can get a 3 hours sleep and just have a gazillion cups of coffee in the morning... right on dude... big thanks for the great recap!!

    cya!
    blox-tox

    ps- congrats on the guesbian blogger on ourchart!!! GO GET EM' RIESE!!  

  7. Anonymous said...

    The winner of Jodi vs. Bette is hands down (no pun intended) JODI. She finally said what we've all been thinking. I like Bette, don't get me wrong, but she has Issues. Note with a capital "I," baby. Anyway, why did we have to wait so long for a decent and well-acted character exchange this season? Freaks! And Ziff had to be the one to write it? Oy vey, I need a Heiny.

    Your recaps rock, btw. Favorite line of this one: Talk to the Hands, Biznatch!  

  8. Anonymous said...

    what the fuck is with the totes? the totes has to go.  

  9. nyradical said...

    i. "Box set" -- a world of pun potential, dude. "I set 'er box straight like a storyteller sexbot." Or something. Hi.

    ii. Gore/I. Truth. I think I told you Donna's an environmental engineer? We're both totes green. (I'm typing this @ work as you know; D never has work either. I'll ring her, "What you doin'?" D: "Playing with my calculator, making fake bridges; you?" Me: "Commenting on Autowin's blog." Dude, we'll weatherize your world. ii.a. Can't stand Melissa E. ii.b. Nice: "global warming, simmer on that, lesbos."

    iii. This weekend we're having dinner--churros. At your factory, obvs.

    iv. Shane needs a haircut worse than me.

    v. This is definitely your best recap ever. I'm impressed; proud.

    vi. It just occurred to me that J. Beals was in Flashdance. I'm like, "Where've I seen this lady?" Then flashbacks of Flashdance. Weird. I only recall that movie cause there's one scene where a nekkid lady walks out of a strip bar, down the street or something. I think. Wrong movie? Don't know/care.

    vii. Let's write a NYC spoof. THE F WORD, stands for fucking far-out, dude. Where queer girls read stories aloud to each other and speak in code, like, "Yeah we fucked last night" and that'll mean, "We read stories aloud, etc."; sponsor third world children; frequent hookah lounges; fuck hookers ... but all of it, in sign language. (I'm uploading Final Draft now.) vii.a. But I have to hand it to the L Word for that, sign-language drama. Like, how f-in random. It's awesome.

    viii. Let's get a Wii. So we can gesticulate our flailing arms like jackasses and break everything in your apartment.

    ix. I'm composing a new box set of stories.

    x. o.  

  10. nyradical said...

    Gawker used "totes" yesterday for the first time, evs. I told you I'm killing all the abbreviations in my blog. Think I stole all mine from slut machine anyhow. Anyway, I don't think "totes" is ever said with a straight-face, yes? I mean, we both know it's annoying but use it anyway, right? Paradox--never watching the L Word but religiously reading audostraddle. Infinite jest, etc. Like, if you will, epistemic-hedging. You know what I mean. Totes.  

  11. Anonymous said...

    Awesome recap!! I was appalled that Elizabeth Ziff wrote this episode. Seriously ridiculous.

    Also, it's Siobhan, I imagine--not "Chevon," since Max/Moira's family is so preciously Irish!  

  12. haviland said...

    Most of the expressions we use are said in jest, and with not even a small amount of straight-faced-ness..this applies to "totes," "really papi?" and obviously, my favem "OBVS."

    for reals and junk.

    literately yours,
    H  

  13. ames said...

    i kinda dig 'totes'.

    i'm going the opposite with this season. i started out all ambivalent and shit and now i'm sort of into it. except:

    1. when they let elizabeth ziff (or any member of betty for that matter) anywhere near the show.

    2. when they reference past moments in episodes like tina's infamous (and now shredded) blue velvet dress, yet never (and i mean, NEVER) mention...oh i don't know, past characters that had major roles for 3 years and then were killed off (keeping opinions about that decision to myself). like, i mean NEVER. wtf, papi. wtf.

    3. and when it takes bette (or anyone else) over 3.5 seasons to realize she's a control freak. um...i was on to that one like 3 seasons ago. not like i'm all smarty-pants and stuff...

    p.s. sign language fighting? intense! totes intense! like, they should televise that shit!  

  14. l-oh-? said...

    "Then Kate says she came out to do the movie because she googled Tina and saw a hot picture of her. I can relate to that."

    can you be more obvs. relational ... please, elaborate ... are you on the receiving end of this scenario? or has someone driven you to selflessly spread your creative juices (got milk?)on account of a hot pic?  

  15. k-lily said...

    1. Chevon looks like Jenny Schecter in middle school.
    2. Speaking of J.S., why don't we all submit "Jenny Moment" videos; someday we should have a JM contest on ourchart's bandwidth.
    3. I got that same charm bracelet when my grandma died.
    4. "Heather: Into what? Another white t-shirt?" That's what I said!
    5. Did Angelica grow three feet in one episode?
    6. That hat. Jenny's hat. Coley bought the same hat..I'm sorry, she bought two of them, and I've been telling her I'm going to secretly throw them away when she's not looking.  

  16. nyradical said...

    P.S. Marie--I'm curious who'd randomly enter autostraddle, see your brilliant recap, ignore it, and then turn all Orwellian ProperSpeak [sic] language police on you. I mean, just that one tiny thing to say about "totes." They verified "asodihf" to tell you this. It annoys me when people pull that bullshit on my blog, cause after you've busted your ass producing a worthy read (and I know how hard you work), it's like: totes.  

  17. Edilma said...

    Ok, so the girl i'm dating went on a trip for 4 months and now this???!!! WTF! Ok this episode sucked. You know an episode is not right when you only get the chance to see Alice and Shane in just two scenes :(  

  18. AK said...

    Here's a picture of me with my monkey (gibbon actually; I'm so glad you know your primates, Reise). http://www.flickr.com/photos/earthworm/
    314339961/ I would much rather have had a horse because of Joan of Arc, cowboys/girls, Eqqus and alright, the Tudors. And I had a huge crush on Sigourney, but not with the gorillas, with the alien, but it didn't make me want to have one for a pet.

    That was a very touching preamble/ode to what we wish TLW could be. At least now the show has loosened its grip on me and I am cured of my dry spell and can write about the collapse of civilization again, plus a little aside on our favorite lesbo show so I could link to you. That was too funny how you brought in Al Gore as Phyllis' lover. Now my world is complete.

    Yes, Jodi won that round because she nailed it and Bette had to go to her room. That won't be the end of it though. Strong personalities need/get challenging relationships. Bette isn't a quitter and Jodi will come back as she did before when she delivered a piece of her mind. I've had all these same fights with my alpha and have the scars to show for it.

    Yeah, you called it with Jenny wanting to write about having a disabled lover. Ha. I think I'll go to deaf summer camp so I can write about crossing over into a new subculture. Yeah, and I want to learn to fight like Amy and Jodi. That was amazing; like watching Fred and Ginger dancing.  

  19. m.did said...

    you're hysterical!! chevon, named after the gas station she was conceived!! i heart mocking WT

    RIDIC recap!!!

    saw kate the other day-i'll admit i was a lil stalkerish, felt like confessing to you after.

    much love  

  20. Kat Jetson said...

    "This is one of many fantastic things about lesbians. That trick where girls are all like "yeah, see whoever you want, it's fine that things didn't work out with us," and what they really mean (as you will discover when you get the myspace email two weeks later) is "I've never loved anyone like you before, come be with me forever in a van down by the river."

    That.
    Is.
    Brilliant.

    And, er... so true. Goddamn lesbos.  

  21. riese said...

    I don't even know where to begin! So many brilliant things happening in the comments section.

    re: totes
    I obvs took most of them out, cuz I realized there was a bit of an abundance. However, I do question the intentions of anyone who reads this brilliant piece of brilliance and comments that I say "totes" too much. You know what I have to say to that? You are a totes loser.

    I agree that Bette is one of the best-drawn characters on the show. And yes, it was Flashdance.

    I think everyone made good points about Jodi and Bette, so I'm still totes undecided. HA! TOTTEEESSS!!

    and those of you who love totes: I love you.

    I agree about Tina's dress/missing characters problem. The things they chose to reference are so random and bizzare and everything like that.

    dear k-lily:
    totes agree Re: Jenny Moment contest. I'm sure most already have some captured on film somewhere?
    take coley's hat, like. NOW!

    m-did:
    deets on kate spotting, STAT.

    ak:
    i am in awe of your eternal ability to incorporate high culture into your responses to low culture. i just add more low culture. dammit! BUT I heart Joan of Arc. Tomboy superhero, etc.  

  22. ames said...

    p.s. shane/paige could read frickin' 'war & peace' to be in the back seat (or the front seat, if preferred) of paige's car and i'd be totally content. i mean...ahem...totes content. :0)  

  23. meryl said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  24. jeff said...

    The L Word is the intimate story about the lives and loves of a group of lesbian friends living in Los Angeles. The show has received a lot of praise for its brilliant storylines and its portrayal of the lesbian community. I like this show because its concept is different but unique.  

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