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I. Thanks
II. The Tudors

I. MY dear Automatic-Straddlers, what can I say but thank you for your support in the race to Guestbianism. Thanks to you, I will have another place on the internet to write about myself. Undoubtedly OurChart will change forever, and then, the world will change. For all of you who helped me bang Lisabang: all your hair will turn to gold, and you are all going to have only good things happen to you in your life from now on. Castles on clouds, unicorns, peanut butter, waterfalls, circles and women in uniform. Below, Haviland and I show our gratitude in the men's room:

If there is anything you'd like someone to talk about on OurChart, and by someone I mean ME, let me know. I'm not supposed to talk about 'The L Word' but you know, anything else flies.

II. I went to see the press screening of "The Tudors." It was longer than the entire season of "The L Word" so far. I think it was longer than Ben-Hur.

However, the chairs in the theater were so comfortable, I almost didn't mind. From time to time, I'd take a sneak-peak of Heather's cleavage, suck on a butterscotch candy, or take notes. Also, I would check my clock (my ipod) and feel totally wronged and make wronged-facial-expressions in the dark. I was going to try to put something together here to tell you about this little program, but instead, I am just going to transcribe my notes, word for fuckin' word. First of all--I didn't take notes at first. I was in this mindset like: "Riese, smart people like shows about history. Riese, be smart. Riese, this will be really useful next time you play Trivial Pursuit." Then I realized that wasn't going to happen. So I started taking notes instead. At the time, I actually believed I was writing sentences that would later compose this blog. I now realize that my memory of the show is much like my memory of the 1560s. I wasn't alive then, so what can I really remember? (I don't know, also, when the 1560s were, or what the Tudors is about really. I don't know how I missed that part of history, but I switched schools a lot so they kept teaching me about the Native Americans over and over. Did you know I'm related to Pochantas? It's true. Um, I read a lot of books though. Seriously. And a lot of blogs. And magazines.)


This reminds me of the Renissance Festival.

I have no fucking clue what is going on. All these men look the same.

Weird nips.

Already more sex than L Word. Girl looks familar (SLC?)

It's Sean's brother from Degrassi!


Lots of boobs. The second girl had surprisingly large ones.

Ew, he's wearing a quilt.

Something about going to War with France?

I think Henry is the King of England.

Henry the 5th remembered for victory at war--I don't remember anything except the Shakespeare play I refused to attend.

I want some goblets.

Jonathan RM is a lesbian girl. He's shiny.

They are putting up really elaborate scenes, and they couldn't even find an actual set for the Dana-camping-trip scene?

He wants battles and glory.

I get it kinda.

Jousting like the Renaissance festival. (is this the Renaissance? what year? ugh!)

The application of humanist principals to international affairs

Duke of Buckingham-discovered Charles with his daughter

No offense-no need for any punishment--henry supports womens sexual freedom!

"My father will kill you"
"Then I should die a happy man."

My beard will be a token of the love between us. Um ew.

Pregnancy issues.

It's like history is it's own SPOILER ALERT.

They just kill people on this show.

These are the most comfortable chairs I've ever sat in in my whole life.

jeff buckley song!!!!! dream brother!

The French guy talking shit


Is it better for a king to be feared or loved?

That baby is huge. No umbilical cord. Full baby. LOLing, Heather too.

I'm pretty sure the premiere of the Tudors is longer than the entire season of The L Word.

I'm glad they gave us candy.

The trial of Lord Buckingham.

Is this the beheading guy? "Off with his head," etc.?

This is a good show, it's just not for me. Everyone else will like it but me. Like Gladiator, Rome, brad pitt movie (troy?), whatever. Braveheart. Everyone will love this show but I will snore.

This is when my head started hurting from the champagne.

Anne Bolin is SMOKIN HOT. She should be w/Shane.

"Deep and dangerous."

I'd give a spoiler alert but most people already know this stuff, right?

(Did I take history--us, native americans, no europe. spain. spanish inquisition. shakespeare.)

Things like the L Word:
jail scene
horses (mrs. fairbanks)
birth scene

tegan and sara-so jealous
the tudors-so boring

Bla bla am i dumb? Is this true? bla bla.

Those eyes are like dark hooks to the soul.

Hook me up, hook hook.



  1. green said...

    you amuse me.  

  2. ames said...

    pretty sure i can tell you that i will hate it too. if i were to make a concerted attempt to watch it, which i won't. because even if i thought it looked interesting, i gotta say, showtime, i really don't appreciate being beat over the head with a blunt object repeatedly...I GET IT! the tudors are coming, the tudors are coming! i still don't care.

    sorry to use your space as a my personal soapbox, riese. or am i? as always, you continue to amuse. and see how nicely that 'really papi?' fit in there? now...if i could just find a way to fit 'ARSON! ARSON!' into polite conversation...  

  3. riese said...

    I encourage everyone to use the comment section as their personal soapbox. That's my favorite part of blogging!

    I think the official "Step too Far" in the "Beating the Dead Horse" contest was having J-Beals say "lets take a look at Showtime's new series, the tudors" before we are able to even see "scenes from next week."  

  4. AK said...

    Don't worry you are not supposed to know who the Tudors are. Americans aren't taught English history in school, just like my Brit mother wasn't taught that the thirteen colonies actually declared independence and created a whole new country. (I had to fill her in when I finished 8th grade.)

    All we need to know is that Henry wanted a son and all he got was a wimpy one too shortlived for a movie, so we just jumped to Queen Elizabeth. And Elizabeth couldn't have a child at all, so the throne went to the son of Mary Queen of Scots who united England and Scotland. But we don't know that because no movie will ever get past the beheading of Mary. Which is why we don't care (and I didn't know until I came across it just now) that in V for Vendetta, it was her son, King James VI, that Guy Fawkes was trying to blow up.

    Anyway, thanks for sitting through the screening to give us the preview. I can't say I'm all that excited about seeing more than the pretty costumes and eye candy and I get enough of that with the damn preview as mentioned previously.  

  5. ames said...

    yeah, what the hell, jennifer? what. the. hell. it's like we're being held hostage by the tudors just for a taste of next week. grrr.

    and wasn't henry an overweight and possibly rather unattractive man? not exactly the jonathon rhys-meyers type. but then...even fewer folks would watch if he were fat and ugly...  

  6. hachiemachie said...

    Y'know, those promos would have been so much more tolerable if they'd used "I'm Henry VIII I Am" as the background music.


  7. rhee said...

    am I the only crazy one that couldnt care less about the Tudors?? I was far more interested in your 'photos of thanks' ...ahh to be Hav...that looks good! uh huh yeh


  8. nyradical said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  9. nyradical said...

    Hmm. Wonder who reneged on their comment. They probs said something to the effect of "I'm now deeming OurChart the Clusterfuck of Clusterfucks" and "You'll be more enlightening than J. Shimizu I'm sure. Her blogs like, 'der i fixed my car today der,' etc." and "I adore you." Something like that. Also, "Don't worry, she'll snap out of it (w/r/t bisexuality)." Which is just so very rude. So yeah--glad that comment's gone. And hi. Where's my advanced copy of the Sun Top Ten? And ... if you need a tutor for the Tudors, etc., obvs. Dante swooning, Paolo/Francesca, that circle.  

  10. Bridget said...

    so wait did i read it correctly that you can no longer talk about the L WORD?!

    like really, papi? really?!!!!!  

  11. riese said...

    thanks for the history lesson. (seriously!)

    and bridget: i am allowed to talk about the l word, just not on ourchart. which is funny. and kinda really papish, but who knows...maybe that's a good thing?  

  12. Anonymous said...

    really papish? i'm pronouncing that how it looks, sort of close to alice's totally clueless whitebread way of pronouncing papi in the beginning of the season.  

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