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L' Questions

The Recap might show up a little later--hopefully tomorrow---because I didn't have a press-copy DVD and therefore had to watch it in tandem with my minions, and then do the screen-caps afterwards, and I've also made a resolution this week which is "sleep a little bit sometimes."

In the meantime, I am posting below a continuation of "The Sunday Top 10," a regular on my "Automatic Win" blog. This week, children, we discussed how I like to look at the search terms that brought people to me. The following is item number one, "All Things L Word."

1. All Things L Word
Approximately 95% of the search terms that lead people here lately have something to do with 'The L Word'--usually it's someone looking for info on a particular episode, screencap, quote or party photograph set.

But there are also deeper questions. People often type questions into google for msn search regarding Shane's wardrobe or what Carmen whispers in Shane's ear or this or that, because these are the Big Questions that plague us day in and day out. Or if you are sitting in your cubicle in Dumont, Idafuckinnowhere, thinking to yourself: "I wonder what that hot lesbian chick is thinking about right now while we all masturbate over our seemingly brilliant ideas for how the Miami Dolphins should be running their defensive linemen" or "I wonder what that pretty lesbian girl is thinking right now while I sit here waiting for my boyfriend to call me. I bet she is so happy because men are such dogs, I wish I was a lesbian, I bet she's thinking about how great it is that her girlfriend called her twice and sent flowers."

No, she is much more bored than that. This is what she is actually thinking about:

THE FOLLOWING "Q"s are actual search terms. I'm just answering them--I did not write these Qs. Just the As. Get it, got it? Good.

Q: Jenny Schecter Clothes
A: No.
A(2): Or you can try a tablecltoth.

Q: Watch videos of Bette Jodie Kissing
A: There's this thing called You Tube? Actually, here's a PSA for everyone: the best way to find a video on youtube is to use the search form on their page. Not on google, or whatever. It might sound wild, but I promise you it is not only wild, but also wet.

Q: "Nobody makes me wet like Helena"
A: Haviland feels the same way. Hopefully the proximity of these two statements to one another will assist you on your next search.

Q: What underwear is Shane wearing in the Hugo boss ad?
A: Hugo Boss Underwear.
But seriously A: Here it is

Q: What does Bette say in sign language?
A: "Because you seem to not be afraid of anything."

Q: Rockstar look Shane L Word
A: This is what you need: a good pair of tore-up jeans. The body frame of a 13-year-old boy, except actually dead sexy. Massive amounts of black-brown eyeliner (not black, that will look too grey), you need a nice fitted blazer--not a cropped one, though! They have a good selection with a nice cut at H+M for not too much money. Then you need some gauzy t-shirts, get those at Urban but only when they are on sale for like, 2.99. Like, you should have to crawl on the ground with the vermin to get to it. Black chuck taylors. A belt that seems very Claire 1997 but presently, on you/Shane, looks obscenely stylish, and your first instinct is to unbuckle and tear pull tug tug pull

Q: Brooke is played by who on The L Word?
A: Chelsea Hobbs. You may recognize her from the classic MTV series "Sausage Fest," which sounds exactly like the kind of show Brooke would enjoy because sometimes she enjoys her meat. She was also in the Lifetime movie "Beach Girls" and is apparently in post-production of a truly riveting and very special film entitled "The Party Never Stops: The Diary of a Binge Drinker." Sounds like a Lifetime classic. I can almost hear it being re-broadcast on abc family in my sub-conscious.

Q: stacey merkin
A: Uh, that vagina wig!
Heather Matarazzo of "Welcome to the Dollhouse" played Stacey Merkin, the cunt who gave Jenny's book a bad review and had a really foxy girlfriend who is a saint. I know that seems weird that a cunt would be with a saint, but ask yourself this: would a nutjob be with a saint?

Q: singing flower on the l word
A: When Dana died, Alice had just bought her this funny singing flower. It kept singing when Alice saw that Dana was dead. then I opened the window at Talainy's apartment and tried to jump to my death. But they live only on the first floor. It was really cold out, so they let me back in. So I guess I am still alive, and the band plays on.

Q: Who plays Lindsay the vet on The L Word?
A: Her name is Caroline Cave and she is a stage actor from Canada. And my girlfriend.

Q: Will Lauren Lee Smith be in Season 4 of 'The L Word'?
A: I think the answer to that would be no.

Q: Come on ilene.
A: Word.

Q: Kate Moenning workout
A: You're joking, right?

Q: are kc and elka girlfriends
A: No, KC and Elka are the duo known as Captain Planet. Earth, fire, water, air!

Q: "boy butter" l word
A: Once upon a time, Angus was not a total waste of screen time.
Angus RULES: "It's not that bad, actually. That whole dick in ass thing, I used to think it was a little creepy--and painful, too--but I found this great lube, it's called Boy Butter? And once I discovered was like...(Angus does amazing dance to the beat of a Casio electronic keyboard which he impersonates perfectly) lets get this party started."

Q: hairstyles like shane's form the l word
A: Sally hershberger, jared leto, kim stolz, also just a lot of models in gender-bending clothing.

Q: jenny outfit in left hand of the goddess on the l word
A: Are you talking about her description of her brilliant wedding outfit? Or are you reffering to her nekkid body, which we saw when she romped about in bed with Claude the french girl? Or whatever Victorian hand-maiden concoction she probably wore at some point in that episode, because that is Her Way? Please re-clarify.

Q: why carmen left l word
A: Because Shane left her at the altar, duh!
No really, actually, it's the other way around.
It could have been because she was too sexy for her shirt or because her character was sort of flat and spent all of Season 3 saying ridiculous expository things to introduce the events of the moment, e.g.: "Are you going to the Heart concert tonight?" or "We're going to wait right here while Alice goes to the other room to get the ashes, and following this event we will go to the wake." Or it could be because Sarah Shahi wanted to pursue other film projects. We are still hoping that by "other film projects" she meant "between our thighs."

Q: alice's dress the l word season 4 episode 2
A: OOO! That gold lame one. So Cute! Also have you noticed she wears it in the OurChart Ads?

Q: who plays alice in the l word
A: Leisha Hailey, you fucktard. And you call yourself a lesbian....or do you?

Q: shane and paige pictures on the l word
A: This photo might also turn up if you search for 'The episode where Shane obviously painted a used tire with shimmer paint and turned it into a t-shirt.

Q: Monet improv conversation ilene chaiken
A: Yes, it was improv-ed, that means Ilene Chaiken did not write it. Which means...well. You know what that means.

Q; Kristanna loken moennig physically tall
A: Yes, she is 5'11 and 150 pounds. She is in my opinion quite stunning.

Q: season 3 lifeline l word soundtrack shane sex scene played
A: "Drive Alone" by Esthero, while she was fucking Cherie with the strap on at the pool, otherwise known as the hottest thing ever. It's hot as hell. I used to listen to it with....ok. Just trust me.

Q: jennifer beals outing katherine moennig in advocate magazine
A: In an interview in 'The Advocate,' Jennifer Beals, when asked about how she managed to pull of such smokin' hot love scenes, answered: "oftentimes I will go [to] Leisha or Kate or Ilene or Rose Troche and ask, 'OK, is this the right thing to do? Is this not the right thing to do? Am I going to seem like a total chump if I do this?'" But everyone already knew, more or less.

Q: Reason why elka and kc are dating
A: Run along.


  1. Guls said...

    Elka and KC aren't dating, they are just roommates. What are you talking about???  

  2. riese said...

    Um...I didn't say that they were or weren't. That's their business.

    I posted search terms above that people put in that got them here. I didn't write the search terms, they did. I answered the Kelka-related questions with jokes because it would be totally retarded for me to answer those questions. Which is why I didn't answer them. Which is why instead I made jokes about Captain Planet instead.  

  3. mags said...

    it's not the recap but im still laughing my ass off!!

    kc and elka are soooo not just roommates!!!

    but i'm down riese, you don't need to answer that..;--) they can! its funny that girls got to your blog by searching for that tho, righhht? i wonder why they didn't go to kc and elkas?

    anyhow, can't wait til the recap! you rock!  

  4. Laia said...

    who are elka and kc?
    riese, you are so funny, i loved the idea of the "keyword analysis".
    and i just can't wait for your recap of episode 7. at last we had some sex scenes!!!  

  5. riese said...

    thanks mags and laia!

    guls. i will make you love me again.

    K.C and Elka host the Planet Cast, it's a weekly podcast and they started it last season. They make me laugh my ass off. There's a link to their podcast blog in my sidebar, and also a link to slogreenx, who are the army formed from appreciation for Kelkians. Check check check check it out.  

  6. Marla said...

    So you brought out the little dorky kid in me, the one that used to watch Captain Planet.......and sang the song. It's actually "Earth,fire,wind,water,heart.".. I went and looked it up just to be sure and found some clips of the show on youtube...ah memories..I thought it back then, and still do now: Heart was soo fucking gay! and sorta useless. but mostly gay.

    Did anyone else think episode 7 sucked ass??..can't wait for your recap. you and kelka make the eps. sound so fucking entertaining and awesome....but really, the awesomeness is all yous guys.(i've also got the Goodfellas on my mind)  

  7. K-Lilly said...

    Um, where's the part about how I found you? Cause really, I was more or less searching for pictures of the lesbian orgy at the pool of the W hotel in San Francisco after the Curve L Word party. But, not cause I wanted to make sure I wasn't in them, of course. :)  

  8. Shonda said...

    I have to thank Elka and KC (at least i think it was them) for helping me "stumble" across your page. Absolutely hilarious..especially when its late and I need to be sleeping.

    P.S Your friend Haviland is hot...just thought i'd mention that ;-)  

  9. riese said...

    i love how the captain planet kids said it in their accents, too, like how the fire guy was like "fi-yuh" and the water person was like "what-ah" it was AWESOME.

    and k-lilydear i didn't forget you...i just thought it would seem so trite to put you in there on that long list when surely you deserve more recognition than one item on a list. right? right. xxxo. hmmm...maybe i should search for hot tub photos? google dot com google dot com  

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