AUTOSTRADDLE HAS MOVED! Check out the new autostraddle at www.autostraddle.com !!

FYI the Life Lesson is: gay people are people too.

You might be wondering "What is the quote of the week from last week, Riese?" Well, I had a small problem, which is that I received so many votes I had to upgrade my membership to the place where I host my surveys in order to access them. I'll need to upgrade again in order to see the most recent 414 or so votes--or pay for each individual vote, which I might do, but I can't do now because it's too late at night and the Survey Gizmo people are sleeping.

So I will tell you what the current winner is, and also I will mention that if you ever feel like giving me money because I do this out of the goodness of my soul, for free, but mostly for That Hypothetical Lonely Midwestern Lesbian, then please note a new addition to the "automatic straddle template": the Donations Button. This is where you can give me your money. From any currency, any form of payment, etc. So easy. Do it. Just do it. Seriously, DO IT.

And I had Ramen for dinner. But actually I like Ramen. Really.

Of the first 1122 votes (again, there are 414 more that could tip the balance!)
Alice: " Fuck My Mother!" 28%
Bette: "Some Lesbians, you know, you need..." 25%
Bette: "I can't go, because I'll be dead..." 22%
Shane: "I need a new haircut..." 14%

This week was the first week (aside from that 40-minute twat-tease they offered up as an "episode" called "Lassoed") that I didn't have the press-kit DVD in advance. I'm kind of glad for that though. Why? Because I forgot that watching Shane want to have sex is my second-favorite sexual activity, (My top-pick is, of course, actual sex), and if I had seen it earlier in the week, I would have been really riled up over it and probably not been able to function properly. Which would have been actually not so different from how last week actually went. Hm. This evening's ceremonies were attended by Haviland, myself, Heather, Lainy, and Layla Love. Layla is not in these photos because she was a little bit late. But you can see her amazing photos online at lovephotography.org.

LET'S ADD ARIEL SCHRAG TO THE A-TEAM, Y'ALL! And how hot was it that Moises Kaufman directed this episode?






L to R: Lainy, Myself, Haviland, Heather


All enjoying our family time together, watching The L Word and clearly all wearing semi-ridic outfits. Actually Hav and I forgot to do a photo shoot in our Jane Fonda/Get Physical gear today. Let me just say there were leggings, tights, legwarmers and those stunning argyles you see above involved.

Haviland: I hope Helena has sex in this episode. Remember when Helena used to have sex?




An Army of One.

Tasha is gettin' her boots on, she's got her hand clap, c'mon! So in Season One, the opening segment was "things that tie into the story, eventually, be patient, kiddos." Season Two: "totally F'in random scenes involving regular cast members." Season Three: "Sexy Moments/The Chart." Season Four:"Moment of Reckoning/Our Bodies/Ourselves."

Haviland: Good, she's getting to politics. Go Ilene!
Me: Yeah, that's good. I have no idea what her politics are. Like she never even gets into the issues. I wonder if she's even a Democrat?


After this intense getting dressed/flashback experience, she's sitting there panting. I think that's because she's worn out from being in the desert and almost dying every day (as pictured above) while Alice is at the beauty salon, or whatever. It's pretty sexy. But serious. I realize that. This is serious. War, etc.

Lainy: Was that an orgasm--oh--oh. No.
Me: You're going to be like the 'Do they sell walls at Wal-Mart' girl for this blog.

Then we go straight to the Isle of Cliche, where Jody is drawing a nekkid picture of Bette. It looks sort of like her, if Bette were in "Where the Wild Things Are." It's okay. I draw sketches of people all the time, and they usually look like characters in "Family Circus." Bette wakes up and talks in a cute morning voice. The alarm goes off and Heather wonders why Jody would have an alarm clock. This turns out to be Bette's house, I guess, but it actually looks nothing like Bette's house. I'd go back and see if I could figure this out, but I slept through my alarm today too.



Lesbian Sex Moment #4: Morning Glory
The Players: Bette and Jody

The Pick-Up: Jody signs 'I want to be inside you.' I know this because Bette responds "You want to be inside me?" I know this because I have closed captioning on my television, which is funny because closed captioning was created for people who are deaf, and instead I am using it to see what they are saying in sign language. See that? See how that comes around?
Hot or Not? Eh, it's okay.

Bette starts grabbing her own boob, and I start wondering if this is some kind of ploy to make sure we don't see any actual nip. But Bette never does full frontal. So hope thrives, like a small flower yearning for sunlight in the garden.


Lainy: Are we getting a mammogram or are we having sex?
(everyone cracks up in that 'Did you seriously just say that, Lainy, because if you did, you need your own reality show' way)
Hav: That's amazing. "Honey, I'd just like to give you a self exam."

The funny thing is, that totally happened between Dana and Lara, remember? Oh, right. We must not speak of them. They are in a better place now. With Mark and Carmen and Marina and Ivan.

Bette accidentally says "I think I'm falling in love with you." I groan and say "Oh my God! On the second date?! Bette, don't!" and everyone looks at me like I'm totally heartless.





V'itga'dal V'it'nasha V'it'roman V'it'halah
Jenny was totally that little girl in kindergarten who was always outside reciting dirges for her dead My Little Pony while all the other kids were like "Weirdo, what the f are you doing?" and she was like "You don't understand," and then she'd turn to her imaginary friend who she named Holly GoLightly and say "Right Holly? They just don't understand." I mean, as is, when Max comes onto the porch, she's like: "I like gardening" all sing-songy and Girl-Interrupted-ish. She might have chicken bones under her bed.

For these reasons and many others, I love Jenny Schecter.



JENNY MOMENT
Jenny: I don't have a character named Bette, okay?
Max: Okay, Bev--whatever. I just don't think you should send it.
Jenny: Bette of all people understands how artists create. Bette's not stupid, she understands the difference between reality and fiction.
Max: But everybody knows who your characters are based on. And it's not right to do this to your friends.
Jenny: Why don't you go back to your studio and lift some weights? You know, I don't think you understand my story.




The Best Part of Waking Up is Art Metaphors In Your Cup
Bette says to Jody, "Everything is art to you, right?" because Jody stuck some flowers in her orange juice. I love how "The L Word" dashes right past "metaphor" and heads straight into "beating you over the head with analogies and metaphors until the average USA Today reader knows exactly what we are talking about." Jody says "No, everything is desire." Bette says she has responsibilities like going to work. Someone in this show has to go to work or else how are we going to put food on the table, kids?



The First Cut is The Deepest, Baby I Know!
Phyllis is drinking Cutty Sark at like, what? 10 am? But she's wearing a silk shirt? Or maybe that's her pajamas. Who knows. She needs a new storyline. She calls Bette for support (not about the storyline, but about Alice).



Bette: Yeah, that was Jody Lerner. Yeah, she came over early this morning [Jody gives her a dirty look, Bette reconsiders] Actually she came over last night and we spent the night together.....We've been seeing each other.....Yes, she's a lesbian....It is all gonna be okay, Phyllis...[hangs up]...You are BAD!

That "Yes, she's a lesbian" was mega-cute. Phyllis is totally still in that stage.

Jody grabs the phone because she sees a killer opp for a day off work talking about herself with Phyllis. Ditto for Bette. I hope Nadia is picking up the slack for her absent boss, but I think she was only in a two-episode contract with Showtime.




Advice on Prostitution from the Under-Employed Ladies at The Planet
I seriously could not agree more with this conversation. I mean, like, Max working for an asshole is totally way more immoral than someone having sex with a hot lady for 50,000 dollars. And um, Tasha's job is to go to Iraq and kill people she doesn't really want to kill. But she does it, because it's her job. So it's kinda silly to act like Helena is about to prance into the den of Satan. Also I find it funny that the fact that Shane once gave beejers for money to men who thought she was a boy is never brought up, or Jenny's strip-show thing. But who cares? The point is: we're all whores, Helena, get naked.

Jenny: Helena we've all been whores at one time or another.
Kit: You gotta do what you gotta do.
Shane: Everyone's done things for money they're not proud of. It doesn't make you a whore.
Alice: Yeah, but she's not gonna sleep with this woman just to pay off a gambling debt, are you?
Helena: What else am I gonna do, Alice? I have to face it. I'm gonna be a whore.
Jenny: Hang on a sec, Helena, didn't you say that she was really beautiful?
Alice: Oh, she's stunning.
Helena: Does that make any difference? If I'm fucking a beautiful woman for money?
[everyone nods]
Alice: Yeah, yeah, it helps.
Shane: I'd like to say that I was fucking showing off my underwear for the whole world to see, and that felt pretty whorish.


There are two quotes of the week. This is the first, in conversation form QUOTE OF THE WEEK ONE GOES TO KIT, WITH SOME HELP FROM JENNY:

Jenny: You see, Helena, everyone is a whore in their life at one point or another.
Kit: The Princcess of Darkness has spoken. We've all been there one way or another. Once, I gave a blow job to a horn player.

Kit: So I could get a line of cocaine!
Helena: And afterwards, how did you feel?
Kit: Hot. I was a HIGH hoe.


Heather: I know a girl who gave a blow job for a hot dog once.

(uprorious laughter incited by the memory of a similar story about someone near and dear to us and Bolivian Marching Powder, which I will not relate here)




Fun-Dip! Fun-Dip!
Papi is visiting Tasha at the army base. They both have interesting vehicles. They also have made interesting breakfast choices. For example, Papi has chosen a corn dog. I think Papi has a hot body. If you concentrate on that, you can almost block out the dialogue, which, in her case, often verges on the absurd. Tanya says that she's not like Papi, who wants to sleep with someone of every race, like how when you get fun-dip you like to stick your little sugar stick into all three flavors.



Lesbian Squabble #16: Ruling Out Papi's Sloppy Seconds Might Seriously Diminish Your Dating Options.
In the Ring: Papi V. Tasha
Content/Result: As the discussion of Alice's motivations continue, Papi mentions that Alice "went for it" with her. Obvs Tasha is not on OurChart. Tasha goes "You didn't tell me you were dealin' with her," and Papi rolls her eyes. I think Papi should take those braids out of her hair. Oh right--um--Tasha says "What you think, I want your sloppy seconds?" She tells Papi that her shit is "so old" and that she needs to "grow up." They have different codes of conduct. I think Tasha wins because she leaves the fight in her motorcycle and Papi is just standing there with a corn dog stick with no more corn dog on it.



"Hey Man, I totally saw 'Boys Don't Cry,' and thought it was really shitty what they did to that girl."
Max is thinking in Elevator Music and wondering what his co-workers are gonna say about him being neither fish nor fowl. I wish someone would SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS GODFORSAKEN SOUL PATCH. Instead, in his mind, they are saying things like: "I can see how you used to be a girl" and "your hips are kinda big" and "what do you do with your breasts?" It's a really cool sequence, actually, and I think taps in to some really valid paranoias. Instead, this dude wheels out of his cubicle and says he thinks Max is "totally righteous" for sticking up for that girl and that the dude's brother is gay too. So he's "totally cool with it."


This guy is kinda cute, huh? Maybe he could be the new token guy. I mean, he's already proven himself to be a somewhat ignorant and has made a bizarre but heart-felt attempt to connect to the Gay Agenda, which is nice, and a key element of the token guy character.




P.S. Miss Cleo is Gay.
Alice is fighting with her computer, and Helena is trying to decide if she should go for it by Hook or by Crook. She is flipping a coin, but Jenny thinks there must be a better way to decide!


By Any Means Necessary
Some Kid told Shay and Jerod that their "moms are lezzies" because Some Kid's Mom saw Shane and Paige gettin' it on. DOESN'T SOME KIDS MOM REALIZE HOW LUCKY SHE IS TO HAVE WITNESSED SUCH AN EVENT, EVEN AS A HYPOTHETICAL? WE WANT TO SEE SHANE AND PAIGE HAVE SEX. WHY CAN'T WE SEE IT? WE WON'T TELL ANYONE. Anyway, Shay punched the kid in the stomach for saying he and Jerod were also gay ('cause of the gay gene) and Paige is all like "good for you, Shay."

Douchebag Principal: Well, I think the boys were just repeating what they hear at home.
Shane: Well then maybe that's why you should teach them here that it's not okay.
Douchebag Principal: This is a public school, and we have to adhere to certain policy standards. Now we all know that this is a very touchy subject. Now our job is to educate children--
Paige: No. You know what your job is, your job is to form them into decent human beings.



"Well then. Shane and I will do it."
Paige is like, the most righteous lezzie mom ever. She volunteers Shane and herself to educate the kids about tolerance of all peoples. Shane is clearly mortified. I am LOLing.



"The Creek."
The Producer Guy talks Tina into talking Jenny into doing an adaptation of "Lez Girls." Tina says it will be really awkward to talk to Jenny because they are hardly even friends anymore. One of the other reasons it will be awkward is that Jenny is a nutjob, and Tina is an "ex-lesbian," as the producer guy says.

Producer Guy: "There's something I've wanted to ask you. Did your ex really cheat on you with a plumber?"
Tina: "It was a carpenter. And it's fiction!"




Does the Phrase: 'You're Just a Portal' Mean Anything To Ya?
Phyllis comments: "I always thought a broken heart was just a literary affectation." Right, because before now, you were only dating dudes and you're a homo. She's pretty on point with these primary-lez-experience things. I just wish that she would sleep with someone other than Alice, because Alice has enough storylines going on as is.

Jody quotes Alice Walker: "You can't truly have an open heart til it's been broken."

Okay, Jeanette Winterson, now Alice Walker? Next week are they gonna be like, "You know, Phyllis, Radclyffe Hall said 'being a lesbian sucks you should probably kill yourself now before that little girl Mary breaks your heart.'"

They tell her that "Everyone's a child when they're coming out. It's like a second adolescence."




The Bitter End of Bette's "First Love" Story: "I am ready to don a fucking hammer and help build every set for every play that she ever directs when Jillie Karr, the actress, comes banging on the door. She left Phoebe for a guy, and now she wants back. And then suddenly I am like the annoying kid sister they could not get rid of fast enough. I thought I was going to die."

But she didn't die. Sometimes that's all you can say about a first love story. You didn't die. Has anyone noticed that lesbian "first love" stories are usually especially heartbreaking? I don't know if that's because lesbians are super dramatic, or because "first love" stories often involve "straight girls."

This is also possibly foreshadowing how Bette might feel when this thing with Jody crashes to pieces, which it probably will, as was hinted on the Spoiler-Ridden Podcast with J-Beals hosted by that creepy Showtime lady two weeks ago. I stopped listening to it as soon as I could sense they had no regard for my deep untethered loathing of anything resembling a spoiler. And now I'm doing it to you. But it's different this time. Because we already know this now, just from the behavior in this episode. Right?



Back at the Peach Pit...
Max is going into the "weblog server" to check the traffic. Jenny is being a little cunt. She needs a crazy girlfriend who can indulge her every neurosis. Kind of like Max, I guess. I mean, she was totally way more sane when she was with Max. She just needs someone crazier than her to force her to be sane! I'm like that, too.

Alice discovers that while she's been trotting about town exploring portals, the rest of us have been logging onto OurChart.com only to find another toaster strudel reference and more of Ilene justifying her bizarre choices before we throw rocks at her. This scene feels super-meta, like maybe this was the plan all along? And now Max is going to fix it! And then he can quit his job at the cubicle factory!



Guess what? Max is going to fix Our Chart!
Max sees that Alice has gotten 40,000 hits in the last hour. This is astounding to Jenny and Helena and Alice because they have never had a "job" so they have never sat at a "desk" all day doing something "insufferable" and then sought to ease the pain by going to myspace, blogs, ourchart, etc.

Alice: I should just sell it. Wagon dot com wants to buy it for 10,000 dollars.
[get it? they want to buy it? for 10,000 dollars? in case you missed the rest of the season up until this exact moment, let us clarify..]
Helena: Really, 10,000 dollars for ourchart?
[that's right. 10,000 dollars for the social networking site "ourchart dot com"]
Max: This is worth like, 10 times that.
[get it? in case you missed grades K-12, how much is 10 times 10,000, you may be wondering? well, luckily Jenny knows how to multiply and she's figuring it out right now....]
Jenny: You mean like, 100,000 dollars?
[eurkea!]


We're phoning it in!

Max's little computer-searching wheels are a-buzzin, and he is telling Alice how her site can be more than what is is and be what it said it was going to be from the start: "You go totally state-of-the-art, I mean, you could have like streaming video, blogs, instant messaging....." Hmm. I like the way you're thinkin' Max. This almost reminds me of um, a goddamn infomercial! Alice tells Kit she is going to be an "internet mogul." Then Kit says something really ridiculous. I thought maybe I was hallucinating.



KITTISM: "I got a bunch of Bill Gatessesesss in here! Don't forget it started right here at The Planet and do not forget my black ass when you all get rich."

I don't know if that's in the typical spirit of a Kittism, but I mean, I can't believe she just said that.

But um, yeah, Kit, she's gonna forget your black ass. She has a new black ass on her mind, and it is the ass of Tasha, and it is HOT. Alice is gonna bail her out of the army, and then they can go to Pride together in cute terry-cloth jumpsuits. Like the one everyone hated but me. That red one? That was cute, I thought.



Then Papi shows up. She is not happy. Because it's hard out here for a pimp. I know I've probably made that joke before, but well, it never really gets old for me.




I HAVE TOTALLY BEEN IN THIS SITUATION 10,000 TIMES BEFORE: THE SOULMATE WHORE
Oh, how I love the "hearts I have broken in the name of true love" sagas. This is usually a bad sign for the future of true love with this person. I mean--you'll have true love. But they might leave you , mercilessly, for someone else. Why? Cause of true love. (I admit I have been on both sides of this.)

Jody: "We fell deeply in love all through freshman year, she would sculpt, I would paint, we talked about spending the rest of our lives together. I never thought that it would end. Then my sophomore year, I met Katka--"
Jody's Subtext: "I'm gonna be over this within the next 2-4 weeks."

Because you're all like "Oh my God, I have this amazing connection with this person, I have found my soulmate!" and then you keep talking to them and you're like "Holy fuck, they think EVERYONE they ever dated was their soulmate. This person is a Soulmate Whore!"

When Jody says: "That's when I realized that I would never be able to be monogamous," Bette looks a little miffed. Phyllis hands her a chocolate. The gold box implies Godiva. Bette eats it. It's a nice Bridget Jones Moment.



Tina's New Role on this Show is "The Bearer of Bad News"
Tina is so impressed how Kit handled the bad news about Angus being a Cheater and Kit is so amiable that you just KNOW she has no fucking idea what is going on. She offers: "Sometimes we need to back off so that we're not in each other's business so much, you know?", Tina says she is impressed by how "evolved" Kit is (unlike her) and then says she would have fired Hazel if it had gone on. Kit is like "Yeah, I thought it was problematic that every time Angelica poked at Hazel's boobs, they burst open and she got silicone in Angelica's eyes. And also she seemed to be too busy with the up and down strokes if you know what I mean, girl? And also, I think she was a robot. But this is L.A, you know what I'm sayin'?"

No, obvs Kit has no clue what is happening with Hazel. So she feels like shit. And so do we. Because not only is Kit dressed from the clearance rack at JC Penny, but she's in that "person who doesn't know they're being dogged" position, which is like, the pits.

Tina [oblivious]: I mean, she's young, she just moved to L.A, she doesn't know anyone, she didn't know any better---Wow it's just amazing how cool you are.
Kit [as we all cringe in her pain]: Well, you know me, Cool Kit?

Hazel didn't know any better? Is she confusing Hazel with Angelica? Hazel is a grown woman. And P.S: Yeah, I bet the longer she stays in L.A., the better acquainted she will become with decency, morality, and fidelity. L.A is pretty much the ethical shrine of America. Maybe Hazel'll become a scientologist.





Okay. First Papi is Doin' All The Girls. Then She's Making the Poker in the Rear Joke. And Now She's Being Yoda?!!

Papi, to Alice, re:Tina: We fight our whole lives not to get judged by who we sleep with and that's exactly what you're doing.


Good point. Alice is shocked by Papi's 'tude though, and Papi explains it's because she got in a fight with her girl Tasha this morning. Good thing she qualified Tasha with "my girl" because I had no earthly idea who she was talking about.

Lesbian Squabble #17: No Fun Dip For You
In the Ring: Alice and Papi
Content/Result: Papi intones: "Tasha is my best friend and she is not some little portal and whatever it is you keep looking for." If Alice is looking for a portal, she should just dive through those ridiculous earrings Papi insists on wearing. Papi says that Alice needs to forget her if she can't get with who Tasha is. Papi is right. And Alice knows it.




WHO IS THIS???? It's Mark, before he mysteriously disappeared. Those heads belong to:


Jenny and Shane. Mark was their roomie. He eventually became obsessed with Shane. Aren't we all Mark, aren't we all.

Haviland thinks I will be the only one who noticed that Tina is giving Jenny the same reasoning as to why she should turn 'Lez Girls' into a movie (why don't we concentrate on fixing the TV show and the website first, eh?) that Mark gave Jenny as to why she should agree to have cameras all over their apartment watching and filming their every private act. I don't think so. I would like to imagine I am not alone in this stunning connection.

Mark: Hmm. Well, that is because I am going to handle all of the details while you two just sit back and be your gorgeous, sexy selves. And get paid for that. Plus! I mean, honestly, think about how - how educational this is gonna be for people who don't know anything about people like you.

Jenny: [to Shane] What do you think he -

Shane: [joking] Ohh, my!

Jenny: [sarcastic, fun] What do you think he means, people like us?

Shane: Oh!

Jenny: What do you think he means?

Shane: Oh, I think he's referring to... bean-fiddlers?

Jenny: [gasping] Ohhh, the bobbing-for-apple girls.

Shane: [smiling] Yes! Sassiness. Oh, yes.

Jenny: [to Mark] Yes, the gay women.

Mark: But honestly, guys. Just think. I mean, think about how much you're gonna be

Shane: I know.

Mark: - helping out some poor little lonely lez -

Jenny: (mock sadness) Oh, yes.

Mark: - stuck out in the Midwest, without a role model in sight.

[Jenny and Shane make sad pouty faces, camping it up]

Jenny: Very important.

Mark: That could be you two.

Jenny: Mm-hmm.

Mark: Okay. Just to show you -

Jenny: Yes.

Mark: - how very certain I am that I will get this funded, I will give you both twenty bucks, a piece, per interview, of my own money.

Jenny: Is this gonna be like a...[to Shane] What's the thing called. Uh.

Shane: Oh, right, right, right. The lesbians -

Shane/Jenny: "Lesbians Gone Wild."

Shane: Sure.

Jenny: Or is this gonna be like... you know - or the Maysles Brothers?

Mark: ... meets D.A. Pennebaker... with a little bit of... Nick Broomfield thrown in there. What do you think?

[Jenny and Shane give each other "this is super dubious" looks and munch on their bagels.]

Mark: Well?

Jenny: Okay.

Mark: Yes? Okay?

Shane: No.

[Mark looks at Jenny.]

Shane: No. We'll think about it.

Jenny: [nods, clearly is thinking "no"] Mm-hmm.




REDUX!

Jenny: I don't really know if I want to make a movie out of my book.
Tina: What kind of movies do you really love? What adaptations really worked for you?
Jenny: The Unbearable Lightness of Being. That was an unbelievable film. Oh wow, if [WHOEVER, THE BOOK WAS BETTER] were to adapt the screenplay, it would just be--I think it would be chic--
Tina: Jenny, wouldn't you rather have a lesbian screenwriter?
Jenny: Tina, have you read the book?
Tina: Yes.
Jenny: Because it's not a book about lesbians, it's a book about people's relationships.
Tina: Of course, and we don't want to limit ourselves. It's hard enough to find a female director in Hollywood, let alone a lesbian director.
Jenny: No, I want it to be a woman director. You know, I mean, it's about women, so you have to to have a woman on set--and I mean, you're not a lesbian anymore and in the film business they don't want an author on set because they become too "precious" about their material.
Tina: Jenny, movies reach a huge audience. It could make a huge difference. A teenage girl in the Midwest who's afraid to come out of the closet, she could see your movie and it could change your life. It could really affect people.
Jenny: That would be really nice, wouldn't it? God. Maybe it could be a really good movie. Let's do it.






Put Down the Grenade, Alice.
Why is Alice amazing? Because she tells the guard that he has a cool belt and then tells Tasha that her office is "so neat"! When Tasha is bossing her around, that's pretty super fucking hot, too. Love them. Love them!


QUOTE OF THE WEEK NUMBER TWO:
Alice: I'm not gonna ask anybody or tell anybody anything!

This reminds me of Keith and Claire's "big black sex cop" convo in Six Feet Under.
Alice: I didn't want you to think that you were like, my foray into hot army chicks.
Tasha: Hot BLACK army chicks.
Alice: Are you black?
Tasha: Alright. So you're here. You up for a mission?
Alice: Private Piseki reporting for duty, ma'am.
Tasha: C'mere. And you don't salute indoors.

Aw, she's all ready to role play!!



And We're Up in the Airplane...
She's gonna take her up in an airplane, like in the Indigo Girls song! This is the Best Date Idea Ever. They should do it in "Gay, Straight or Taken."




The Life of a West Hollywood Call-Girl
Helena is getting ready to go visit Katherine Rothberg, who everyone thinks is hot except for me. She's saying really cute things to the mirror.




The 'Ask and Tell' Helicopter
Tasha takes Alice's hand and she's all like, hey whaa? Then Tasha tells her that "we're all family up here." It's the big gay helicopter! Aw! It's like the cruise! Which everyone is on right now but Haviland and I aren't, which makes us sad and also not interested in watching 'The View' this week.




Me: Whoah, the cinematography just got all like, Twin Peaks. Or like, The Shining?
Haviland: We're in Rebecca all of a sudden.

Talk About An Offer You Can't Refuse....
Katherine tells her: "We're going to play Strip Gin Rummy. If you win, I'll consider your debt paid in full. But if you lose, you have to pay up. " Um, I'd be excited about that. There was some sort of squabble happening in my living room about this situation which I simultaneously participated in and totally tuned out of.






Lesbian Sexy Moment #15: Just Relax, Let's Go Slow, I Don't Got No-Where To Go, I'm Just Gonna Concentrate On You--Wha?
The Players: Tasha and Alice
The Pick-Up: "Actually, I'm glad that Papi ran her big-ass mouth."
Hot or Not?: Alice wants to do it-to-it, and Tasha wants to jump into bed. What's sort of semi-hilarious is that this concept seems to come out of left field, even though it happens on straight shows all the time. Alice looks so sad though when Tasha says "I think you should go home," and so real. This is a cute scene. Tasha tells her: "I know this might not make sense the way you roll, but I'm just comin' from a place where I need to be sure." This is a good cut away of sexual tension. Like a--this is what the character wants way, as opposed to a "cut the scene as soon as it gets steamy" way. It's hot.

Layla: This is like, the most shocking storyline they've ever done.

Yeah, like, oh she's a woman that wants to be a man? She's a self-mutilator with a history of sexual abuse and a new job as a stripper? Awesome. Tasha doesn't want to have sex right away?!!! What is this, True Love Waits?!!!

This is gonna be really interesting. I give, on a scale of 1-10, a "10" to the character of Tasha. Also, to the writers who have written the last two eps. Obviously they got some skills.



Katherine's Rules Of Gin Rummy are Way Hotter than Papi's Rules of Poker, and More Literal
This is when Haviland thrusts her arms in the air and yells triumphantly: "OH THANK YOU!" (I will do the same thing in a little bit.)



This is when Helena takes her bra off. The lack-of-nip (understandable, in the situation, unlike say, blocking a sex scene with several layers of installation art) is overcome by her buff arms. And oh uhm, this:



Lesbian Sexy Moment #16: Lying's the Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off...But It's Better If You Do
The Players:
Katherine and Helena
The Pick-Up: Katherine says: "Congratulations, you're a free woman." Helena counters: "Aren't you forgetting something?" Katherine, who is like, uber confident, but I'm still not into her even though everyone else is (I prefer: 1. Shane, 2. If not Shane, girls with a little more junk in the trunk, a.k.a girls who don't look like me when we're both naked), drops her La Perlas:

And then Helena gets this hot carnal look in her eyes, like she's gonna be doing some seduction, which she hasn't been able to do really since she lost her money.


Hot.

We approve. Somehow I look like a Muppet in all these photos.



I Bet Henry's Kid is in This Class. Hear Them Laugh? It Sounds Like a Chorus of Devil-Children.
Shane and Paige are teaching the kids about the gay lifestyle and Shane looks like she is about to die of awkwardness. She'll settle in soon enough. Dontcha worry.

If Shane and Paige came to my 4th grade class to talk about how we should tolerate difference and homosexuality, I would have been like "Who are these lesbians that you speak of and where do I sign up, and how old do I have to be before either or both of you will sleep with me?" I mean, the only lesbians I knew about then were The Indigo Girls. But I really did like The Indigo Girls. Like, a lot.

Teacher: Now we're gonna talk about tolerance. Who here can tell me what tolerance means?--Sarah?
Sarah: When you're nice to people who are different from you.


Heather: That's little Haviland.
Haviland: Ha, totally.

(Side Note: Obvs, Haviland was the founder and president of her high school GSA alliance. Which she calls BAGEL pride, but I don't remember why anymore.)




Here Comes the Showdown
Bette says this isn't going to work for her. Jody says "it's not like I'm dating a whole bunch of other women, it's just something that I know about myself, that if I get tied down, I go crazy."


Jody: You just got out of an eight and a half year relationship. I don't think you're ready to get married again--
Bette: Don't tell me what I'm ready for.

That was fucking awesome.



Shane Looks So Hot Here. This Scene is Total Gay Fantasyland.
A girl asks if they think they were born gay. Not the Haviland-esque-girl, because that girl would have already known the answer to that question.

Shane: I think I was, but I think it's different for everyone.
Paige: Yeah, not everybody knows right away. And some people just fall in love with the person. And that person could be a man or a woman.

YAY BI PRIDE!

Then this douchebag snarls: "Yeah but how do girls do it?"--


1. Interesting that you have no trouble imagining how guys do it. I wonder why that is, Mr. Internalized Homophobia?
2. You are never going to get laid, ever. Because if you are about to, you're going to say something retarded to your girlfriend like "Suck it, bitch," and then she's going to squeeze your balls off. Some girls might like that, but she won't, because she thought you were a Nice Guy.
3. Didn't Mark say the same thing in Season Two? I'm having Mark flashbacks left and right.

Then this woman (who has the dykeist hair cut EVER) is like "I just realized that you're that girl from the gender bending underwear ad!" and Shane is like "first of all, I think we all wear underwear." And I'm like, um, yeah, except you, and then she gives this really heartfelt story about how she had to do it to pay for Shane's broken arm and that parenting has really changed her and it's very beautiful. I mean that.

The teacher asks if anyone has any more questions.

Lainy: Yeah, how do girls do it?
(Lainy pauses, thinks).
Well I guess we already know that.





Katie Holmes Makes This So Meta It Makes my Head Hurt.
This is the first time in the show's history that i have been bore interested in the Tudors promo than what is happening on screen. This whole plot makes me want to barf. Why?
1. Jenny has dressed herself in one of Kit's mu-mus circa five years ago and has done her hair like she's about to audition for the "walk like an egyptian" video
2. Jenny and Tina fighting for who can be the bigger asshole is just like, nauseating.
3. "Lez Girls" as a movie is totally dreading on Dawson's Creek territory (Dawson wrote and directed a screenplay about his captivating life, with stupid pseudonyms), as well as the "self-congratulatory" territory, and also, it WOULDN'T make a good movie. What would be the main narrative? It would make a good TV show. Like it ALREADY IS. Arguably. (re: "good")
4. The only funny part is that she wants someone tall and blonde to play her.




See, This is Why AIM is my Favorite Form of Communication, If I Wasn't Afraid That Signing On Would Suck My Life Away, Which it Can, And It Does

Lainy just like, orgasmed at the appearance of "ichat," because I bet you ten million dollars she is on ICHAT right now. I'm freaking out that they don't have user icons! I bet Bette would have some sort of like, dark photo of herself, and Jodi would have some pretentious artist thing.

Nipple Confidence?
The boys are in bed. The ladies get some beers. And Paige suggests that since they've done the time, they might as well do the crime. And Hallelujah, Shane has a libido after all.

OK: let's get this out of the way--whomever edited this scene fucked up a little, because there are naked clips followed by half-dressed clips, etc, etc, but who knows, maybe they did it on purpose let's pretend like they did and move on.





Lesbian Sexy Moment #17: Saving The Best For Last
I just love the way she leans. Jordan Catalano leans on things, but Shane leans into girls. And I care, of course, that the scene is cut short. But I'd also like to argue that it is that moment---the moment when the buildup reaches capacity and those proverbial sparks explode into something tangible--that one beautiful perfect moment that we are all chasing when we are chasing something we aren't certain we can have, or when we are chasing something that we think we can have but we don't know what we'll do with it when we do--that moment that matters most. That moment when everything slows down and that mini-moment when the air between you and her is becoming so spare and small and you are nearing her and she is nearing you and the future is inevitable but yet still undetermined, which is when Shane leans, which is when they start to kiss, that is possibly more electric than any on-screen representation of sex could ever be, and is, therefore, Enough.

Maybe.





The Round-Up:
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, FOUR total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: THREE this episode, SEVENTEEN total
Lesbian Squabbles: THREE this episode, EIGHTEEN total
Quote of the Week: Alice, and Kit/Jenny
Kinsey: I realize I totally cannot think about boys when I am watching this show. I mean, my Kinsey scale is always in the 5-6 range during the L Word Season. Like people who are super-into Jesus during the Holiday Season, you know? And they love Jesus year round, but during Christmas, they like, are obsessed with Jesus and not thinking about the other things at all.





19 comments:

  1. Anonymous said...

    reise you're hilarious! but i think kit says i was high ho not i was hot ho..whatev anyway i died laughing in this scene  

  2. Guls said...

    That was fucking hilarious. I should stop reading your recaps at work, as well as listening to Kelka. I totally thought the same thing about sex scenes, I mean when I get to see that they reach that moment, when they start kissing and all, it may be enough for me... Riese, now I started to think it may be a bi thing :)))

    Thanks.  

  3. ana said...

    there has been a misunderstanding on one of the lines, at the planet, when helena was complaining about having to be a whore, Kit says that she's been a ho once, for a line of cocaine, and I believe she felt "high" not "hot".
    makes more sense, I guess.

    also want to say that I absolutely love your recap, read it every week, keep the good work.
    xo  

  4. Elena said...

    Bette and Jodie are at Bette's house, because there is the same sound of an lawn mower or something like that when we see Jenny in her garden (but louder) and Jenny lives next to Bette. Hah I'm soo proud I realized that.  

  5. Heathar said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  6. Heathar said...

    Okay, you're totally not the only one who noticed the rehashing of Mark's "Midwest lezzies" thing. Is it sad that that comment always manages to piss me off? I mean, I'm from the Midwest, and if Jenny's supposed to be my icon, I think I want to die.

    Anyway, this was hilarious as they always are. Sorry I haven't commented before, I usually gab my ass off and have no idea why I neglected to before. Also, this had like ten typos and I'm a perfectionist, so I had to delete it and start over.  

  7. Laia said...

    very very funny, Reise.

    about Mark, i felt the same way: flashbacks of him all the time.

    i am sad for Tina and Jenny, they are losing so much grip in the show. and i feel that Laurel can't act anymore, she seems too fake to me. too bad, because she was good at some point in the past (specially when pregnant)...

    by the way, it's funny that you mention it, but i don't like the way Shane leans on people. maybe it's a problem I have...;)

    finally, Jodie and Bette are at Bette's because it is where Phyllis calls to talk to Bette (and Bette tells her that Jodie came over last night...so it's her place). I found funny that they are both wearing white walmart hipster t-shirts as pyjama.  

  8. HeatherJ said...

    actually that girl gave a blowjob for a taco, which i guess is kind of hilarious / ridiculous / ironic when you think about it maybe? aslo - i'd prob give you a BJ for some tasti-d-lite. i'm just sayin ... you down? for goin down?  

  9. riese said...

    guls: hmm...maybe it is a bi thing.. (writes down note for book)

    Ok did she say "high" ho for both of them? Like "I felt high. I was a high ho" or "i felt hot. I was a high ho." HIGH HO! HIGHDY HO!

    I'm from the Midwest too, and it is a little funny that I grew up around 10,000 lesbians. Really, they should be like "that lonely lez at Jesus Camp," or something. I didn't know a lot of hot lesbians though, except for this group of girls in my high school who were all straight but were known to make out with each other in our fantasies and they called themselves "the rainbow girls." Mmm.

    Yeah, I realized when Phyllis called that they were at Bette's, but it just looked different to me? Like maybe the curtains were more open? Lawn mower noise hmm...i'll have to look into that.

    I think Jenny is still totally entertaining, but I don't know what's going on with Laurel! I feel also that her acting skills are getting really bizzare, and her storyline is weak! Weak weak.

    Heather: um, the taco-vagina, hotdog-penis parallel is amazing, I wonder if I wrote it down wrong in the first place, or changed it, and if so, was that fruedian?

    you can give me a BJ for some tasti-d-lite but only if you do it in those pink low-rise hipster panties you were sportin' this afternoon. p.s. nice rack!  

  10. LN James said...

    Well, this midwestern lesbian says: Finally! Nipples!  

  11. haviland said...

    I didn't actually FOUND BAHGL Pride (it stands for bi and hetero, gay/lesbian pride...they've prob added trans now?) BUT, yes...i was the president...which we actually called "head BAHGL." We had a sense of humor. um hm.

    funny stuff, lady R.  

  12. Edilma said...

    "The princess of darkness has spoken"....priceless! hahahahaha

    Thanks Riese! I love reading your recaps at work, people look at me like i'm crazy because i laugh so hard ;)  

  13. Eve said...

    "Like people who are super-into Jesus during the Holiday Season, you know? And they love Jesus year round, but during Christmas, they like, are obsessed with Jesus and not thinking about the other things at all."

    Haha, that totally cracked me up! And of course the rest of your recap was great too :)

    And like Ana I think Kit said High, not Hot.  

  14. marla said...

    Kit: So I could get a line of cocaine!
    Helena: And afterwards, how did you feel?
    Kit: High. I was a high ho.


    Did anyone else notice when Shane was arguing with douchebag principal, at some point she seemed to slip into some sort of accent??...Did she do it on purpose? Was she going for the Dubya accent?..it was funny.  

  15. Katie said...

    Do people every tell Haviland she looks like Helena?  

  16. scorpio said...

    im reading all your recaps everyweek..
    theyre so cool!  

  17. Anonymous said...

    FYI: Papi is not eating a corndog. She is eating a churro.  

  18. riese said...

    i know...i know about the churro...

    it already takes me 15 hours (i'm not exaggerating) to do this blog.... i need an independent fact checker who will work for me for free. let me know if you have any leads?  

  19. marla said...

    What does one have to do to become your independent fact checker??
    Don't your girls help you out?!

    I'm sure I'm not the only one that appreciates those 15 hours. :)
    (ass kissing, is that how?)

    so really no one noticed the accent??  

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