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A Prelude to a Re-Cap

Written on Friday, February 23, 2007: This morning I cried on the phone to DHL because my press DVD was supposed to arrive on February 16th, and clearly that didn't happen. I told the operator I didn't trust her and I knew she was lying to me. This clearly has been a high-stress day. In fact, DHL forced me to spend the entire afternoon under house arrest waiting for their leisurely arrival. I had to cancel things. I pulled my hair out, put on a Cher wig, and sang dirges while decorating the grave of my dead Demon-Dog, Old Yeller. When the delivery-person arrived, I said "I want your fingers inside of me." She looked like the UPS girl that came to Shane's that one time.

SO because it's Friday, and because the Episode 8 DVD finally arrived: Tara and I got good and baked and watched "The L Word Episode 8: L'Random Fucking Reference to a Town I Once Lived in in Massachusetts" and though I'm not certain that we are clear-headed enough to say for certain that we are not hallucinating, we believe we just watched several sex scenes in a row, and we feel a bit like two alcoholics who've been dry for two years and then in one night we've somehow consumed 15 mojitos and a bottle of Smirnoff (each). It's as if every last sexual moment that had been wrung so mercilessly from the rest of the season has been re-deposited into this episode. I am feeling somewhat damp. Tara's been in the bathroom for a long time.


In Episode 407, "Life Lesson Number One," I fucked up three times:
1. Kit did not say "hot. I'm a high hoe" or "high hoe the dairy-o," she said "high. i was a high hoe."
2. Papi is not eating a corn dog. She is eating a churro. The thing is though, wasn't my corn dog joke funny? But then my number one fan Kristen sent me an e-mail explaining the importance of this mistake, and I saw that she was right, and so here it is:

"Papi's choice of breakfast food was only something that FURTHER tries to convince us viewers that she really is Mexican...... It was not a corn dog (like herself/character)... it was in actuality a CHURRO. Do you remember those from elementary school? We used to pay 50 cents at my school for a dough stick with cinnamon sprinkled on it. Anyhow, a churro is a super common Mexican food.. Shit, I even think Taco Bell has them. The fact that Papi got them from the Mexican food truck only emphasizes how hardcore Papi is in the morning... bitch eats Mexican dessert!"

3. Heather's friend did not give a blow job for a hot dog, she gave a blow job for a taco.

This week's episode of "The West Wing" is called "Lexington and Concord." In this episode, President Bartlett gets word that Leo has fired the shot heard round the world, and guest star Marlee Matlin seduces Josh Lyman with her wily sign-languaged ways.

This week's episode of "The L Word" is called "Lexington and Concord." I once lived in Concord, Massachusetts. That's the home of the Old North Bridge, where the Revolutionary War started. You know, the shot heard round the world? I know that because I enjoyed dressing up as Paul Revere and galloping around the house announcing the arrival of the British. Lexington and Concord played soccer together. I was the only girl on the boys team. That's really all I can tell you about the title without having to open a new search window. As for what it has to do with this TV show, I don't know.

The costume of the day was "Tupperware Party"/Classic Housewife:

You can't really see my dress, but it was pinstriped and poofy.
If you think that's depressing, how's this: This week's blog is not as funny as last week's. Laugh a little just to be polite.

First, a tip for those of you playing along at home:
The 'Quote of the Week' is intended to survive as a standalone entity. E.g. "Are you black?"--though possibly one of the funniest and most unexpected jokes of the season--requires context (and Leisha Hailey's genius delivery) to truly shine with it's full potential--but I do often award Quote of the Week to a conversation rather than a line. Beyond that all I can say is I know it when I see it. Sometimes. I'm slightly obsessed with quotes and I've been keeping track of my favorites from The L Word since before you were born, so this is just like, how it is. Or whatever.


BACK, L to R: Jen, Riese, Sara, Jamie
FRONT, L to R: Megan, Heather, Haviland
In every photo we took, someone looks semi-awful, so I thought I'd pick the photo where we were trying to look semi-awful. At least; I hope we were.

This week's viewing was attended by myself, Haviland, Heather, Sara, Jamie, Jen, Yana and Megan. Yana didn't want to be in the group photograph, so I was like "Um, Heather, she knows that I'm gonna go onto her myspace and find a photo of her and put it on the blog if she refuses to be in the group photo, right?" Heather was like "Yeah, obvs." Or not, maybe, but whatev:

This is Yana.


Did anyone else feel like this week's episode was directed by Steven King?


Lindsay, Where Are You? I Can't Find You. I'm Afraid of the Light, Lindsay. I'm Afraid of the Light.
This is Little Jenny Schecter, but her friends at the hospital call her "Debbie." Debbie talks to herself and masturbates with sporks. Debbie likes gardening. Every morning she brings flowers to her dead dog, Sounder. In her sleep, she makes little cooing noises, like a baby bird. She goes "Merkin"--"Merkin"--

Jenny has gone completely apeshit. Whatever, this is a dream sequence, but for Jenny, what's the difference? At least she's finally wearing a nightgown to a nightgown-related event, instead of to like, a feminist store release opening Betty concert. She asks Sounder "Am I gonna rot in hell?" Um, Jews don't believe in hell, fucktard. But--if they did--you're really pushing it, dear. Maybe you really should save a sick dog. Like, for real this time.


Haviland: Are we in The Labyrinth?
Heather
: Because that would be awesome.
Haviland: I love David Bowie.

Then Sounder's arm juts out of the garden and snags Jenny, which reminds me a little of Fraggle Rock.



Heather: Pet Cemetery was the scariest movie ever and it scarred me for life.



Our Love Was Comfortable AND So Broken In... I Loved You, Grey Sweatpants, No Make-up, So Perfect.....

Tina misses pussy.
(I never say that word out loud, I can't handle it.)
(Unless you make me.)

Tina: [craving] I still love you, you know?
Bette: [totally over it] I love you too.
Tina: [hates back-ne] It's so hard, Bette, I miss you so much sometimes. I miss our life. I miss the way we communicated subtly, I miss the way that we worked together to make everything around us so beautiful. I miss being surrounded by women, and I miss being a part of something so secret and special.


Haviland: Did she say secret?
Me: Yeah, like you know--it's not a secret but [I understand what Tina is saying and I like it, but everyone is talking over me, so I retreat]
Meg: Yeah, she misses the secret code and the secret handshake--
Haviland: What did you say?
Yana: What, you don't know the handshake?
Haviland: [totally in "Maude" voice, all gravely and been-around-the-block-and-had-a-ciggie-after]
Honey.
[beat]
I've been a lesbian for a looooong time.....



Speaking of Secret Lesbian Handshakes, this is the "Are You Fucking My Ex?" Shake
When Bette hugs Tina, Tina feels Bette's boobs on her boobs and suddenly realizes: "Sometimes I think I made a mistake." But before they can take off all their clothes (which should be easy for Bette, as her wardrobe seems to be shifting from power-suits and the occasional sexxxy wifebeater to consist entirely of what the good people at delia*s call "dormwear.") (my ex-bf says girls in sweatpants are hot because of easy access), Jody stops in, lookin' all sexy and deaf and shit. Tina notices that Angelica and Jody are already BFFs, and that Angelica is learning to sign (BEAT THAT, Henry!). In fact, Angelica gives Jody tips on installation art and human behavior too and sometimes they just watch movies together. Tina's veins are basically popping out of her neck. If this was a horror movie, it would be "CARRIE."



I'd Go Gay For Shane
Because "The L Word" has the memory of a goldfish, Shane "I Don't Do Relationships" McCutcheon is all like "you ain't gay, you ain't never had no relationship." Then, Shane "Sexuality is fluid...you just go with the flow" McCutcheon tells Paige "I been with you straight girls before, you straight." Paige totally stands her ground, because she believes in freedom and that's what we're fighting for. If you don't believe me, check out her kicks.

Paige tells Shane that Shane is not the first woman she's been with. Obviously. Paige was totally that girl who talked all her little hoodrat girl-friends to learning how to kiss on each other. Also she probably had a lot of threesomes to make her Baby Daddy happy, and then afterwards he'd go take a long hot shower and she'd cry into her pillow and drink vodka out of the bottle while the third girl tries to figure out what happened to her thong.

Paige: Look--I don't want you to think that I'm expecting you to jump into a relationship with me.
[beat]
Shane: Okay.
Paige: I'll give you like, a week or two?
Shane: Oh God, you are a dyke. I was totally wrong. You're more of one than I am. Jesus.
Paige: Joke!

And a good one. Cheers, Ilene!



(Insert "Bareback" Joke Here)
Angus asks Kit if she wants to change anything. I believe he is referring to the large piece of fabric emblazoned with a shadow-painting of Foxy Brown and the words "Kit Porter: Bareback." I don't claim to be a textiles expert (though I did work at GapKids in the Summer of 99, which, JENNY, is probably similar to the hell you are on your way towards, except instead of "Steal my Sunshine" they'll play "The Way That We Live"), but I doubt "the guy" is going to like, go back to the silk-screen factory and re-print that curtain and bring it back for the night show.

Why would he offer such a thing, then? So that Kit can say: "No point in changing anything now, what's done is done." Get it? That's a literary technique. Clever, right?

The costumes this week were made entirely from sofa fabric samples sent to the producers from Pier 1. Except for Angus's wardrobe, which he stole from the set of "Entourage." Also I feel like Angus looks totally wrecked and likely hasn't eaten anything in maybe weeks. He should have sex with Alice or be adopted by Shane, then he will be fed constantly.

P.S. We fully had a conversation about who was the most anorexic-looking character on the show. That was my fault, because I referred to Catherine Rothberg as "That Anorexic Woman" and no one knew who I was talking about.

Yana: What is his hair doing?
Megan
: It's very flock of seagulls.



Does He Inject You, Seduce You and Affect You, Like the Way Papi Do?
One of Papi's secret lady-catching techniques is to move in on a straight girl who just got burned by her boyfriend. She really should publish these tips. She can include Papi's Rules of Poker and The Circle Trick, and Tasha can write a forward called "Handle Your Bitches." Fine. Yes. It can be an OurChart tie-in.



Dude, Where's My Guitar?
Her imitation of Angus is priceless. The way she says "Dude"? And also, doesn't she look really pretty here? Paige and Papi both look good in lavender. I want to wrap them up and take them with me to Easter Dinner, if I wasn't a Jew. And I won't take them to Passover because there's no corn dogs or beer there.


Haviland: I think that's the best Papi has ever looked. Maybe that's just cause her hair looks sort of like Heather's on top when she does it like that---
Heather
: What?!!
Haviland
: It's good--I love it when you do your hair like that--
[bla bla bla hairdo bla bla girl stuff bla diblabala]
Jen
: I like her better in braids.
Megan: I like her better when she's not on screen at all.

I like her better when she is wearing a wifebeater, with a sliver of stomach showing, and cute baggy pants. I haven't put that much thought into this, that's just like, probably what I would like, I think. Actually I like her best in her librarian outfit.



Lesbian Squabble #19: Survival of the Fittest
In the Ring: Bette, and the More-Evolved Jody
Content/Result: Bette is so into Jody, and she can't handle it. Bette says: "I don't want to feel this way when I know you're seeing other people." Jody offers to cancel her date for that night. Small potatoes, Bette says: this convo feels like "fucking high school." Totes. You know what else reminds me of high school? Your shirt, which looks like the swim-team's regulation Speedo.


Bette says: "I'm just not as evolved as you." That's something I would say, but I'd say it really sarcastic so I could cut right to the marrow of the situation. But seriously. Bette?

HOLD UP.

Bette Porter--look at me. Are you looking at me?


Thank you.

Bette, there are a lot of things on this show that have NOT "evolved," and arguably the writing and character development are two of those things. But Bette--Bette. Don't cry. No Arson. Look at me. Listen to me.

Bette Porter.


You, my dear, my dear shining star in a dark night of metaphors and character-recited-rote-exposition, YOU HAVE EVOLVED.


Dude, let's be real here: Jody's art looked kinda like the Barricades at "Les Miserables," which I saw for the second time on Saturday cause Haviland was on as Fantine. The first time I saw it, Haviland was the Factory Girl. Both times, I had no freakin' idea what was going on with any aspect of the plot besides the swell and uplift of Haviland's rack--I mean--voice. (Heather said it first.) That says much more about my ability to understand any artwork dating before 1900 than it does about Victor Hugo. You don't need Jody to make you feel evolved. Just evolve with the turning of the years.


Oh! Right. Bette. You just keep on evolvin', darling. Evolve back to Tina, maybe then you'll break the spell on her jaw and she'll start to talk normal again. GO BETTE!


ARSON! ARSON!

I don't think you can ever have too much arson arson.




Our Chart Dot Com: Already Bringing Birds of a Feather to Flock Together
Max is looking for someone who can help with "maintenance" and "content" of OurChart, and help out with the "serious upgrade." Grace is all like, "I'll maintain your content, baby." Max is obviously semi-smitten, and so is she, and you can feel the electricity in the air. When I watched this with Tara we spent the whole scene arguing over if Grace is a MTF. Seriously, I saw it from the first moment I saw that girl's face. On Sunday night, no one got it either but me. You know what that's called? Tran-Dar. That's what I have. Tran-Dar. I learned it from watching "Too Wong Foo" and by spending my whole childhood being mistaken for a boy.

OMG!! Just kidding. Did I freak you out? I thought that a churro was a corn dog and now I'm totally declaring Grace (played by a female actress, natch) a MTF. We actually don't know that. But something about her reminds me of Jonathan Brandis in Ladybugs.

And she totally endorses his transition (she said so!). Seriously though, if this girl wants to make a quick buck, she could probably endorse Crest Whitestrips or Prozac.


Grace: "There's pretty much no butch women in L.A."
Max: [thinking about his flannel-sporting womens group back in Wilmette and about Grace's rack] "You think so?"
Grace: "Well, no culture, no community, every-one's all into high fashion? Female masculinity isn't celebrated here."

Tara on Friday: She should come to Nation on a Saturday night.
[editor's note: Nation is in New York City, not L.A. But still.]



Do You Know How Much Trans Fat Is in a Banana Split and a Tiramisu?
Alice questions Helena's agreement to serve her children crap on Katherine's dime. (I think there are different actors playing the children every episode, like on National Lampoon). And to get a pedicure and shit. Helena says "she's always been good at maths," which is why she's a natural at poker. Also she is gorgeous, which is why she's a natural at anything where men can be distracted by beauty. "Maths." I'm giggling. Rothberg bursts in with "Oh, the fucking Midwest, they're all such wimps!" which is great. GREAT, guys. The Midwest has a lot more to it than lonely little lezzies and "wimpy" pig farmers. For example, Dundee, Michigan is the home of Cabella's, the largest hunting store in like, the entire civilized world:


(That's an old photo. But seriously, c'mon, you know, Jenny Schecter is from the midwest! And Oprah! And RIESE!)


Going on a Midwestern Safari, Al?
This is really funny! I love Alice being awkward. She's so cute I almost forget about her shirt. But I love the jacket. Oh, Alice. Our love for you is unconditional and eternal. It's burning an eternal flame.

Alice: I should go.
Rothberg: I need you to stay. Just a while longer while we go downstairs. In fact--are you booked this evening?
Helena: Actually, Catherine, this is my friend Alice, you met her at the poker--she's not the babysitter
Alice: Not the babysitter.
Rothberg: Of course. Alice, Alice, Alice. Stay for lunch. We'll all go downstairs. to the pool...they can swim while we eat.
Alice: You know--I have so many things to do. So many things. So--Thank you though! Ha And uhh-- it was very nice to meet you. Again. Cause we had--uh--met--be. Great. I will see you later. Okay. Guys?

Then Rothberg seduces Helena away from her children and towards the money.


Free "Ruby Gloom" T-Shirt and Hello Kitty Thong With Every Babysitter Purchased
Paige has arrived at Shane's place with her child, Jerod, who came from her belly, and her babysitter, Deirdrah, who came from Hot Topic. Shane is also wearing a tie and has not received a haircut. Paige looks really pretty. Shane's being a cute parent. Paige calls her "honey" and my heart skips a beat, and then again when Shane tells her that she looks good and Paige and her get all kissy for a second. Then Paige acts all white trashy for a little, and it's super-cute. I really like them together.


She's all like "Welcome to Sweet Valley, y'all!"




Officer and a Gentlewoman
Tasha is taking Alice out on a date, and Alice says "so cute, so traditional!" when she gets the flowers. Aw. I can't say enough about the costuming on this episode, and you may notice I overlooked the tie-dyed thing Paige had slung over her torso in the last scene. But why does Alice look so Little House on the Prairie? Everyone else thought she looked cute.


We don't really listen to the show. We just talk and look at the pretty girls. Alice is very Beth March.

Tasha: "Would it be old-fashioned for me to ask Miss Porter to sign this for my Mom?
Alice: "Well, only if you call her Miss Porter."

See? Alice can make anyone smile. I mean--Bette, Dana, the vampire, Phyllis, whatever, Alice is on it. She brings out the best in everyone. Except Phyllis, but that's not her fault.




Just Looking at Shane Want to Have Sex Is The Closest Thing to Heaven on Earth For Me.
Paige and Shane are early for the record party. Some people would just stop by the deli for a Smirnoff Ice and a Charleston Chew, but I mean. Look at these two. How can you like, exist on the same planet with them and not want to fuck and fuck and fuck until you break open every possible moment of every single goddamn day?

Right.


Lesbian Sexy Moment #18: I Think We're Alone Now....
The Players:
Paine
The Pick Up: "Nobody's here." "Yeah, you're right. It's actually kinda early." "Kinda empty." "What do you uh...think we should do?" [blush, laugh..]
Hot or Not?: I am getting so hot, I'm 'bout to take my clothes off. Let it all out.




Killing Me Softly With This Song/Killing Me Softly/With This Song
Do you HEAR THAT? That's the sound of ten thousand lesbians across the country throwing their toolbelts at the wall. "Transformation. Us to them. Change your mind/Change your skin." It's reminding me of the episode when Angus was the only one who realized how bad the music sucked which makes me like him for almost a full minute, and then I remember Hazel and I feel dirty, a little.




The Way We Were
Inside, Tina and Bette are engaging in one of the world's best conversation topics: "who you've been fucking in the elapsed time period between 'when you were fucking me' and 'right this moment'" We can tell that Tina wants Bette back a little. She's so over Henry. She's realizing that men may be born with dicks, but that doesn't mean you can't just go to the store and buy a dick and strap it on to your hot sensitive beautiful girlfriend who BTW has nice hands, always. You know there's a nail file in her purse.

Here's how we can tell that Tina wants to get back into the sack with B-to the -Ette:

1. "You used to look at me like that, back in the day."

2. Tina: Why isn't she here?
Bette: She's deaf.
Tina: Oh, of course, I'm sorry.
Bette: Why isn't Henry here?
Tina: He's uh--clueless!
Bette: Of course, I'm sorry.

3. "Are You In Love With Her?"

4. "Waiter, can I have another?"

Jenny has spent her afternoon with Tarzan. Swinging from vines. She picked a lot of bananas and gave them to Alice.


Lesbian Squabble #20: Who Wants to be a Twat-tillionare?
In the Ring: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....FOR THE FIRST TIME BACK ON STAGE SINCE SEASON 2...WE HAVE A FIGHT WHICH IS NOT BETWEEN TINA AND BETTE, BUT BETWEEN TIBETTE AND ANOTHER ENTITY (in this case, that entity is "Jenny")!!

(This is also a JENNY MOMENT. This whole scene is one big Jenny moment.)

Content/Result:

Jenny: Hi. Hi. How are you. Hi [condescending as fuck] Tina, I have good news for you. It's looking good.
Tina: Great.
Bette: Oh, what's looking good for Tina?
Jenny: Oh, Tina's company is trying to buy the movie rights to my book. So, my agents are supposed to be here soon and they said there's three offers on the table and you're in the running, so I'd like you to talk to them tonight, please.
Tina: What are the issues?
Bette: Oh--I'm sorry--I don't mean to interrupt but Jenny, I don't understand---why wouldn't you just chose Tina over the other buyers?
Jenny: What do you mean?
Bette: Well, first of all, she's your friend, and if all the offers are in the same ballpark, I just think it should be automatic--
[AUTOMATIC STRADDLE, Y'ALL !!! HOLLA!!!! ]
Jenny: Because she's my friend?
Bette: Absolutely.
Jenny: Okay, so if I wanted a teaching position at your University, would you automatically hire me because I'm your friend?
Bette: If I were the Dean of the English Department.
Jenny: [condescending as fuck] Bette. Um--my agents are here. Tina--you should go talk to them if you wanna do this--okay?

Ooo...snap but also: Drama! Jenny would be much better at teaching Drama. OMG that class would be awesome, like group therapy disguised as character building exercises.

Let me guess what would be the reading list for Jenny Schecter's English class:

Navel-Gazing 101
-Some of Her Parts, by Jennifer Schecter
-Best American Short Stories 2004, "Thus Spoke Sara Schuster," by Jennifer Schecter
-"My Entrails Are For You," by Jennifer Schecter, private collection (Tim Haspel)
-"Carnival Story: Lots of Fun At the Carnival" by Jennifer Schecter, private collection (Warren)
-"Lez Girls: the film," released by Fox Searchlight Films, written by Jennifer Schecter and Darren Star, starring Anna Kournikova and Audrey Tautu, 2008
-"Lez Girls: the screenplay," drafts 1-15, written by Jennifer Schecter, private collection

-"Lez Girls: The Final Screenplay," draft 16, written by Darren Star with Jennifer Schecter in a safe dark place nearby.

-"
Ariel," by Sylvia Plath
-"Lez Girls," the TV Show, also known as "The L Word," Showtime, Starring Mia Kirshner and Katrina Lombard, 2003--present

-
The New Yorker, short story "Lez Girls," by Jennifer Schecter, February 2007
-Some French something something
-"No Exit" Jean-Paul Sarte



5. "That's one of the things that I love about you. That you're loyal and unswerving in your convictions."

That's one of the things I love about this show. Unswerving. In it's Convictions.


Lesbian Sex Moment #5: And Your Bones Have Been My Bedframe And Your Flesh Has Been My Pillow
The Players:
Shaige.
The Pick-Up: Well, I actually assigned this a sexy moment earlier, but this is such a special moment it deserves it's very own moment. I mean, suddenly the amount of visible "nip" (as Kelka would say) we see on this show has like, quadrupled!
Hot or Not? Like, literally, I am physically hotter now than I was one minute ago.

When Paige says "I want your fingers inside me," this convo happens:



Haviland: What did she just say? I want your fingers inside me?
Heather:
"I want your fingers inside me."

Megan: That's 'cos she's straight!
[pause, followed by flabbergasted noises all around]
Jamie: What?
Haviland: [said in a "But I said it last night, fool!" voice] Gay girls can't say that?
Sara: Oh yes gay girls can say that!
Haviland: I mean, really? Cause then I'm--
Megan: Okay, fine, I take it back.




"Yeah but Tina, at the end of the day the project's gonna be out of your hands."
Everyone in my living room is kind of panicking, like "Why is jenny being weird?" This isn't funny like when she was being weird before. It's just like, Jenny, "your cunt is built like a wound that won't heal." (Out of Habit, Ani DiFranco, "Like I Said") Still, I love her. How can anyone dislike Jenny? She just bangs on her drum all day. Silly Rabbit, Dicks are for Twits.

Then Bette claims that Tina turned Sofia Coppola on to 'The Virgin Suicides.' Jenny goes "Oh, really?" and J.S: my sentiments exactly. All those virgins are rolling in their graves.



I'm your high school lover, and you're my favorite flavor
This episode is so weird. Like, Tina's suddenly cool again. Actually. You know what, when you are so used to someone being in your life, usually it is the case that when they come back into it after some sort of catastrophic fall-out, they shoot right back to "high intensity." I think that's why people say "we picked up where we left off." It's not about picking up a narrative, it's about picking up an energy.



This is a Guy. Guys Are Those Creatures That Always Want Threesomes, Porn, Sexbots, Nannies, or Jenny Schecter, or, in rare cases, for Bette To Take Line One

"Obnoxious Cubicle-Type Guy" from Central Casting to Alice and Tasha:
You know, you two are so fucking hot, and I'm into that, and you just need to make the call--"






Jenny's pushing it. Even if she wants to go back to the jungle, she's sort of tainted now.




She Was Smiling at How Money I Am, Baby.
So many cartoonish descriptions of Rothberg, so little time. All her scenes just feel so Twin Peaks to me.

Tara on Friday: This is like Willy Wonka and she's the anorexic Violet.
She's like, what happened when Violet's balloon popped.

This Would Be a Good Set-up For a Mohegan Sun Commercial (If You've Seen 'Em, You Know What I'm Talking about). As is, this is some weird movie about this really thin Morticia Adams/Olive Oyl character who is using Helena Peabody in a jewel heist. It involves heisting Helena's rack as well, which is somewhat erotic for the casual viewer.



Lesbian Sexy Moment #19: Go Team!
The Players: Helena and Rothberg
The Pick-Up: "That's my girl. You have a real talent for the game, Helena. We make a great team."
Hot or Not? I know it only lasted about thirty seconds, but I didn't breathe that whole time.



Lesbian Sex Moment Ctd.
Paige and Shane are good together. I think Shane is having some pure fun. And Just Wow. Just wow. It looks natural and sexy and wow.




I Would Say "It's Not all Black and White kiddos," but then I Think For a Moment Maybe Ilene had That Thought and Incorporated Metaphors into Casting, Too, and That Makes Me Feel Gross Inside.
Everything from "This is Grace, our new intern," to "Oh fuck, I'm sorry," is so ludicrous that I refuse to justify it's existence by re-capping it. Just go to Eugene and look at the bumper of the first VW that passes your sports car.

(obvs I'm a democrat and agree with many of the statements and I think G.W is the worst thing ever and I loathe him and his administration, it's the lame-ness of the construction and dialogue in this scene that I am protesting, content is not really the point.)


The kids sneak in the back, still a little rumpled from their little toss-about on the football field. Shane's hair actually looks the same, but she has to fix her tie. She's looking very...



"Bareback Lovin', Pushin' Me and Shovin!" (Actual KP Lyrics)
The above photo is when they were like "Everybody clap! Clap!" and then like "Mia! This is the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life! MIA! Ilene Chaiken's in the dunk tank!!"


At first it seems like things are going okay, even though there's 10,000 things I could say about Kit's outfit, and none of them are "Where can I buy that, is she on Star-Style?", but then Kit kinda loses it. I'd really like to make this a Kittism, because it deserves some sort of award tonight, and that's what I've got to give.


KITTISM: You motherfuckin liar, fuck you you lying low-down nanny-fucking motherfucker! Who--what you think I'm some motherfuckin' chump? Fuck you, motherfucker! Goddamn it--get out of my motherfuckin' life you motherfucker--shit!

Megan:
I wish Jody was there now so we could see her interpreter try to sign all that!
Sara: Why would Kit do that at that moment of all moments?
Yana
: Because everything on "The L Word" happens at the best moments ever.
Me
: Sara, this is the way that we live.
Sara
: Oh, right.
Heather
: These are the days of our lives like sand through the hourglass....



My Name is Kit, and I'm a Mange-A-Holic
Kit has returned to the bottle. Where's Ivan? Where's IVAN?!! Anyone up for a meeting? A MEETING, MOTHERFUCKERS? She's all like "I don't wanna see you! I don't wanna see you!" I feel the same way. Mange, your term as token-boy has expired. You are the weakest link, etc. We have Grace now. (JK!)



This is when Kit tells Bette: "You protected him when you knew he was lying and cheating."
Nice moment. Bla bla.




"Wait Til I Tell My Mom About What Miss Porter Did at The Concert.
Motherfucker."

Kit tells Papi she has had it with men and she is ready to go make out in an apartment with a beaded curtain and a remote-control sex-music player. It will remind her of the old days, when she was a high ho.

I love Papi, no matter how ridic she becomes. I love her for the woman she is, I love her for the...whatever..the woman she almost is. I just don't understand her apartment. We'll get to that. In the meantime.




Rothberg and Helena: Like Lexington and Concord, they are very close to each other. (?!)
Rothberg is taking Helena to Mallorca if Helena can make it worth her while. Helena says "It's more like you make it worth my while." That's pretty similar to the interior dialogue I conduct with Ilene Chaiken about watching "The L Word."

Haviland: The lighting is like Boogie Nights, like Julliane Moore is gonna come out, or like, or Rollergirl.
Heather
: That would be amazing.
Haviland
: What if David BOWIE came out right now?
Heather: Like, in tights, with a package?



Lesbian Squabble #21: Ready-to-Wear Armour
In the Ring:
Alice and Tasha
Content/Result: Alice thinks Tasha should come upstairs so they can talk. Alice lives in a world where people talk about things. And talk. And talk. And talk some more. Tasha wins, because of her Jedi Warrior Skills.




This is us, reenacting that scene.


Now I wanna dance. I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.
Wow. Really Papi? Still, because already this episode is like visual viagra, I somehow am finding this very hot. I like the way Papi moves. It makes my stomach do flip-flops.




Lesbian Squabble #21 Continued...
Everyone is like "Yeah, right, would they really be talking about this!?" but seriously, can I say it enough? I had this argument with my ex-boyfriend all the time! Alice reminds Tasha that she is defending freedom of speech, which includes the freedom of hipsters to wear political slogans on t-shirts like anyone who's looking at their tits doesn't already have their mind made up. They both have good points.

Tasha: The soldiers I know went because we had to we tried to do the best that we could. And yeah, okay, I know some of it's a mess, but I'm proud of the soldiers I served with and I'm so tired of people talkin shit without even knowing what it's really like to be in it--
Alice: So tell me what it's like to be in it.


Haviland: If we were in a musical right now, that's where the intro would be--like--beat--and then the music would start--
Me:
[singing] Look Down, Look Down, We're Soldiers in Iraq.....





Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest!
To celebrate their wealth and ability to subsist on under 400 calories a day and quote Jerry Maguire with reckless abandon, the ladies head back to the castle.



Lesbian Sex Moment #6: You Had Me at Hello
The Players:
Rothberg and Helena
The Pick Up: "Show me the money." Yeah. Yup--like that movie--yeah. Yeah, like cheering, but not.


Meg: You know how many diseases are on money? They could like--ew. Oh my God, no!
Me
: Do you now how many diseases are on that hotel comforter?
Heather: It's new money.
Me: Crispy casino money. New money.


Meg: You like that? you like those twenties?!
Heather
: Those aren't twenties!
Jen: Ouch paper cut!


Haviland:
Remember when Helena used to be like that?
Heather:
People grow and change, you guys.


Haviland: Do you think Betty wrote this song?
Me:
Probably--hey know what I was thinking? If they played like, "Untouchable Face" during the opening credits, even that would be better than "The Way that We Live."
Heather
: If they played Weird Al Yankovitch it would be better.
Me
: If they played "Splish Splash I'm taking a Bath," it would be better.
Heather
: Yeah it would.
Me:
At least they'd be naked.


QUOTE OF THE WEEK, LESBIAN SQUABBLE CTD., IN CONVERSATION FORM:
Tasha: Some of the people are in the military because they want to serve their country, okay? We believe in what we stand for. I'm sorry if we don't live our lives wearing trendy fake-ass raggedy t-shirts that scream out bullshit about why do we kill people?
Alice: You think it's trendy to not kill people?
Tasha: The soldiers I worked with didn't want to kill people! Like, what the fuck? You think we wanna kill people?
Alice: Well why are you there?
Tasha: The question is, why the fuck am I here?
Alice: Because we wanna fuck each other!!


Lesbian Sex Moment #7: The Peace Process
The Players:
Tasha and Alice
The Pick-Up: See Above.
Hot or Not?
Hotter than Iraq! Not that I'd know, I just wear the raggedy ass t-shirt. But this is mos. def hotter than like, a lot of things. This show, for example. Wow.




How cute are Alice's toenails! They're blue!

Alice [during sex]: "You know what? It's not that I don't understand what you were saying about recruitment, like I really get that, but just like--"
Tasha: "Just shut up and let me fuck you."

Yeah I can see how that didn't work out with Tasha and Papi. But these girls are hot.



Ain't the Same Fuckin' Ballpark, It Ain't in the Same League, It Ain't Even the Same Fuckin' Sport.
Papi is taking Kit home. She's really smart though because instead of taking Kit to her real house, and risk being attacked by The Sexbot, Papi has borrowed Greg Brady's place. The one in the attic?



I feel weird about counting this as a sex moment since it's a moment where an alcoholic has fallen off the wagon and is now rolling around in the hay, which is like, not really, like, cool. And junk.



Everyone is So Pretty In this Episode.
I love seeing people wake up in Alice's bed. She starts talking about Cheny and Tasha is like, stop.


Lesbian Sexy Moment #20: I Claim Freedom!
The Players:
Tasha and Alice.
The Pick-Up: "Your bush is the only bush I want to think about in the morning, you know?" (In case you're worried, Alice says: "No you didn't just say that," so you don't have to.)

Re: Politics in the Morning:
Haviland: That's seriously what I did this morning. I was like, it's Sunday morning, you know what baby, it's Meet the Press! Meet the Press!!
Heather:
And we bounded out of bed!




This School Fucking RULES.
They have super-hot gay girls come in and talk about homosexuality, and then they take field trips to the skate park?



It's Okay, Kit, No One Else Can Get on the Motherfuckin' Chart Either.
Kit wakes up like many a damsel before her and wonders: "Did I really go home with someone who has a beaded curtain? Or have I gone back in time to 1979"

Papi: "Do you know where you're at?"

Heather: Right after that preposition you just used to end that question.




Lesbian Sexy Moment #21: You Like Airplanes, Right? Well, Here Comes the Airplane to Your Mouth Open UP!!
The Players:
Is it too soon? Tashalice.
The Pick up, which is QOTW-worthy Too: Alice says "Don't tell me you're watching your weight," (because then this will not work) and Tasha's like "Oh please, that's some white girl shit." And for the first time all season, every single person in the room laughs genuinely.
Hot or Not?: These two are hotter than a lesbian nun on a church bus.

(Side note: I think bananas are really gross. I like banana flavored things A LOT, for example banana sandwich cream cookies and banana real-fruit bars and chunky monkey ice cream. But I don't like bananas themselves, they remind me of throw-up).

Heather: That's what that Yoplait commercial should be like.
Me
: Yeah, obviously that's why we keep re-living it on this show, but sexier.




Daddy's Waiting For You in the Light!
Then the movie comes perfect circle: we opened with Jenny's Horror Film, in which she is attacked by her dead dog, Scooby Doo. Now we have Shay. He sees dead people. Actually though, fo' real, tell me this kid did not practice for this scene by watching Drew Barrymore in E.T?


You motherfuckin' piece of shit motherfucker.






The Round-Up
Lesbian Sex Moments: THREE this episode, SEVEN total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: FOUR this episode, TWENTY-ONE total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, TWENTY-TWO total
Quote of the Week: Alice/Tasha


11 comments:

  1. ashley said...

    I think I am starting to love season 4. I don't even know what to do with myself after seeing this episode. haha

    Oh yeah, and do you really not get Lexington and Concord for the title? As in, The Battle of Lexington and Concord...?  

  2. Anonymous said...

    -"Lez Girls: The Final Screenplay," draft 16, written by Darren Star with Jennifer Schecter in a safe dark place nearby.

    HA! You? Are awesome.  

  3. Edilma said...

    Well i don't know why you said you weren't funny this week...so not true! I laughed like a crazy person again in the office, i think i'm getting fired and it's your fault.

    By the way what Catherines says is "Mallorca" wich is an island in Spain ;)  

  4. riese said...

    Yeah, I know what the Battle of Lexington and Concord is. I reference it, too like, at the start of the recap--cuz I used to live in Concord, fo'real. Shot Heard Round the World, etc.?

    Thank you for laughing edilma, if you get fired I am looking for a full-time intern who can fact-check (i fixed the spain thing) and play with my hair?  

  5. Edilma said...

    Full time? WOW! how much do you pay? or are you looking for an intern like Max?

    Ok i'll fact check all things spanish and play with your hair if you give me food and a nice bed ;)  

  6. sun_sneezer said...

    Dude, the Ani DiFranco references take me back to my first year of college, where the gay girls put their Ani collections on display like, "See, I'm such a huge lesbo, I even have bootlegs!" Good times. Good times.  

  7. Bridget said...

    sometimes i want to scream your phrases on the subway just to see how many people stand up and join in --

    "Mia! This is the funniest thing you've ever seen in your life! MIA!" me

    "Ilene Chaiken's in the dunk tank!!"
    several other loyal readers

    "kelka rules"
    other fans  

  8. ames said...

    yeah, seriously. what was alice thinking with the whole caroline ingalls get-up? it looked like she went to bed with her hair wet and got up late for "work" and tried to put it all up in a bun without a mirror. but...i guess tasha didn't care.

    i thought lexington and concord was an intersection or something. but what do i know?  

  9. nyradical said...

    i. Lesbians do have secret handshakes. My buddy Nova and I do at least (she was the third member of Sirens). The handshake's complicated, we have to wear cowboy hats while performing it, and it ends in the words, "good luck." A reference to our last getaway in Vegas, where everyone tells you good luck. You could be at CVS buying tampons and as the cashier hands you your change, she'll be like, good luck.

    ii. You should write an L-Word. It'd be funnier, with more/fleshed-out sex scenes I'm assuming.

    iii. I noticed Bitch's gf's in the L-Word--Max?

    iv. Yeah, used to do drag all the time. Like, entire freshman year I attended class in suits. Every damn class. Obsessed with Vita Sackville-West. Now, only on special occasions.

    v. There go those long-ass fingers again. Jeez. Show-off. ;)  

  10. Laia said...

    i live near Mallorca!!!
    tina's behavior is so wierd in this episode, i agree...and so is jenny's. but i am glad that tina has recovered some of her charisma.
    i agree on the 400 calorie/day for catherine;) that line was really funny!!
    thanks again for the blog  

  11. AK said...

    I am going to eat a baked potato and a plate of pasta for Catherine Rothberg today. Reise you are ruining my life. I can't write or read about anything, but the L Word, now, and my peak-oil, eco-collapse, end-of-civilization readership just wouldn't understand because they are clueless like Henry. And I don't care about the end of civilization, anymore anyway, as long as I can read your blog, even though the stock market tanked because Helena was rolling around in all that cash and was having a currency collapse.

    So is Bette more evolved because she is over non-monogamy or is the L Word going to tread into the multiple lovers territory with eyes wide open? Your analysis teases.

    And as long as I'm over here boggarting your blog, I'm putting in a pitch for my L Word moment which I've hidden in my dressing room at my flickr site. http://www.flickr.com/photos/earthworm/
    404895291/

    And finally I have a burning question for you, the bi-expert. What do you call a dyke who only dates bisexual girls?

    Cheers,
    Amanda Roo Bangkok  

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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