We open in Los Angeles, Seven Months Ago. Which means we are at that break-up scene again.
Oh fuck. Dana has all her hair and she's crying. This is how we're starting the episode. Lara is waiting outside in her car (can't Alice like, SEE that? Ugh)
Dana: She said she couldn't live without me.
Lara: She will. And she's gonna move on, we've all felt like that before.
Dana: I just hate being the hurter. It's worse, I think, then being the one who gets their heart broken.
(side note: Actually it isn't. I mean, I've been there, and I've said that, but then I found out that's not the case. Heartbreak feels bad for a lot longer, even though Breaking Hearts feels really awful and impossible for that day)
Lara:You know you can't give up your happiness for the sake of Alice's.
(goes in for the kiss)
Lara: It's okay, I understand.
Dana:I didn't break up with her for you, I broke up with her because it wasn't working.
Lara: It's okay, I can wait. I've waited this long. We have all the time in the world.
(Clanking sound of nail being thrust violently into coffin)
At least Alice and Dana are back together now. I mean, as friends, but still.
Dana:I like doin' stuff with you. You're like, my favorite person to do stuff with.
Alice: Do you miss Lara?
Dana: Yeah, I do. I don't know..it's different with you.
Alice: Yeah, we're best friends, that's why. It took me a long time to get here but you know, I did. You're my best friend and I wasn't going to let you go.
Back at The Planet, we are warming up for the Best Kittism Ever:
Kit: I understand some of your struggle and I respect the choice you're making in your life.
Monster Max:But you have a problem with it.
Kit:No, I don't have a problem with it. I'm just worried about you.
Monster Max: Kit, I have never felt comfortable in a girl's body.
(Yeah: the rest of us, we are just LOVIN' ourselves, Max. LOVING IT. Being a woman in a patriarchal society which enforces it's silent and systematic oppression of women by reminding us that we should take up less space, desire less, be smaller, be quieter, and be sexier somehow as well and then denies that this very form of oppression exists at all, let alone is so ubiquitious that it can be held responsible for a great big over-arching shadowy glass ceiling....LOVIN' IT.)
Kit:So removing your breasts and changing yourself into a man is going to solve all of your problems?
Monster Max:I know that won't happen, but people will start to see me for who I am.
Kittism:You know, it just saddens me to see so many of our strong butch girls giving up their womanhood to be a man. We're losing our warriors, our greatest women. And I don't want to lose you.
Monster Max: I'm not following some trend.
Kittism: What if I lived my life feeling white inside and the next day I woke up and I could change the color of my skin, the features on my face to become white? Would you encourage me to do that?
Max:I don't know, do you feel white inside?
Kittism: What's white inside? What's male inside? What's female inside. Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world and keep your body?
Max: Because I want to feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.
Kittism: You'll be giving up the most precious thing in the world.
Max: What, my tits?
Kittism: No, being a woman.
HEAR ME ROAR, BITCHES!!!
Lesbian Squabble #29: Further Along in the Realm of Gigantic Personality Transformations in Season Three
In the Ring:Shane V. Carmen
Carmen has an attitude, Shane says why, Carmen says it's because Shane checks out during sex, Shane says that's not true....
Carmen: When was the last time you came?
Shane: That has nothing to do with it.
Carmen: Really? I think that somewhere deep down that all of a sudden you're in this nice little committed relationship now and it pisses you off and now you're punishing me.
Lesbian Squabble #29: Wanting A Dick/Being A Dick
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Max
Max thinks that Jenny's paper doll thing is disrespectful. I think that Max's facial hair is disrespectful. Ugh ugh.
Lesbian Squabble #30: You Don't Own Me!
In the Ring: Jenny v. Monster Max
Max:You're my girlfriend, this is my party, I don't want you dancing with some dude.
Jenny: I'm gonna dance with whoever the fuck I wanna dance with, I wasn't sucking his cock, was I, Max?
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Shane:Don't hurt her, or I'll fucking cut your tits off.
That's what Kit's talkin' about, kiddos. Our strong butch women. HOLLA!
Lesbian Squabble #31: (sorta squabble)
In the Ring: Shane V. Carmen
Carmen:So you can be intimate with my family now, but you can't be intimate with me?
Shane:Jesus Christ, Carmen! What, do you not like the fact that your family and I have taken to each other, is that it?
Carmen:I'm sorry, you're right. You're totally right. I'm sorry. Look at me. I love the fact that your family and mine have taken to each other.
CUTE 80S PROM PICS FROM MONSTER MAX'S FTM FUNDRAISING PARTY:!!
Lesbian Squabble #32: Max, You Ain't Got no FRIENDS, child!
In the Ring: Jenny and the Human Formerly Known as Max, who is transitioning to MONSTER
Monster Max:3,452 dollars.
Jenny:Wow, that's so much money.
Monster Max:That's crap money, that won't even pay for one tit. Where were all your rich friends last night?
Jenny:MY rich friends?
Monster Max:Helena Peabody could have paid for my entire transition in what she pisses away in like, A DAY!
Jenny:I don't know you. You're becoming a completely different person.
Monster Max:You don't understand!
Jenny:No, I don't understand. I really don't understand.
Monster Max has like, no vocabulary whatsoever. It's like all he knows to say is "I really don't understand."
Monster Max:I'm not okay, I can't wait for years and years. I'm totally freaking out, I can't be inside this body!
Lesbian Sex Moment #20: Video Killed the Peabody Star
The Players: Dylan and Helena, the only couple on this show that still fucks, even though they aren't a couple, and we can clearly see that this whole thing is headed for an ambush.
The Pick-Up: "You're not gonna get anything from me unless you do exactly what I tell you. You're gonna fuck me and you're gonna love every second of it." (they're just playin', y'all)
Hot or Not?: Not, because then there's this like, thing. Where obviously they got a video so that they could do something bad. It really blows.
At Carmen's house, Carmen is getting pissed off that her Mom wants to set Shane up with some dude who cleans carpets. I'm sure they are really gonna get along. So, rather than let Shane run off into the sunset with this (most likely) total stud, she comes out. Which doesn't go so well.
Dylan and her boyfriend are up to something. Like screwing Helena, and then screwing her out of all of her money. That's what men do on this show. Videotape lesbian sex and then exploit them. Issues, IC?
Lesbian Squabble #33: No Tengo Familia
In the Ring: Carmen vs. Shane
Shane: "I don't wanna lose your family, okay? I don't want them to hate me. I think it would be really fucked if they sat there and they blamed me for that, which I'm pretty sure they already are."
Carmen:"What do you know about family?"
(something like this happened to me once, it's more or less unforgivable)
Non-Lesbian Sex Moment #6: Women Give Better Head, After All
The Players: Tina and Henry
The Pick-Up: He starts to go down on her, Tina "No no no no no, that's not what I want" and then she reaches into his pants.
Aside from the fact that he's gross, it's nice to see some people FUCK on this show! Like, when they just show his hands on her ass and he's fucking her....look.....not so bad.
But this.....NOT OK:
TRAIL OF TEARS, CTD:
Meanwhile, Bette is calling Tina from the Meditation Retreat, and it's of course, super f***in SAD!
"I can't stand this. I'm supposed to be on this silent retreat and everything seems so loud, and my loneliness is so loud, I just want to come home, I want my art, I want my books, I want my things, I want my house, I just wanna be able to kiss you goodnight. I want my life back. I want it. I want I want I want I want I want I want."
Dana is in the hospital. She is, obvs, about to kick the bucket.
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, SIX in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ZERO this episode, THIRTEEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, TWENTY in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FIVE this episode, THIRTY-THREE in total
Best Quote: Shane