This episode is called "Late Comer" because if you try to have sex to a collection of tunes from "The L Word" (Which is usually a safe choice because the souundtrack features a plethora of compelling Music for a Sexy-Time, e.g. D'Angelo, Shivaree, Flower Duet from Lakme, Kinnie Star, Leonard Cohen, Telepopmusik), and the little ditty recorded by BETTY and "Kit" in this episode, entitled "Transformation" and featuring lyrics like "This is a WOMAN thing, a W-O-M-A-N thing" will guarantee that any building orgasm will not "come" any time soon, or at least within the three minutes and twenty-one seconds it takes for this song to reach it's unbearable end. It will, in fact, come "LATE." (If at all)
Los Angeles, 7.5 months ago. Finally, we get to see the breakup. I don't like seeing breakups, but it's one of many gaping gulches of lost backstory in this season.
Oh fuck. Trail of Flippin' Tears. Every episode thus far has started with some sort of sexual activity. This one starts with crying. Yeah--Alice is crying, after opening with:
"I don't know if I can live without you."
and Dana is crying, and um, yeah. I am also crying.
I mean, Alice goes in for the farewell kiss (which, for those of us that have had one of those, aka everybody, usually becomes the farewell fuck, which then becomes the thwarted farewell, the extended relationship, and so on and so on until you drive each other completely insane and you no longer believe you can have such fantastic sex with anyone besides that person ever, that possibly if you leave that person you will be leaving behind an incredible irreplacable sexual tapestry of pleasure the likes of which you will never, not for as long as you live and cum, find with another person besides that very person), but Dana is "mature" (I think women are better at this than men? Maybe not.) and says "No, I can't. I gotta go."
(She does stroke Alice's breasts a little bit first, as she says "I gotta go.")
We see two people in leather in motorcycles...who could it be? Sharmen, hoping for a libido-boost from the banana seat? Bettina, heading up-mountain for a meditation pow-wow? Dylan and Helena, leaving the world behind for their forbidden love?
Oh. It's Mangus. And Kit. I'm all about Mangus, but when you're watching a dyke show and you see a bike, you're going to think--stop me here, if you disagree--Dykes on Bikes. As in, homosexual women riding motorcycles. I really am only mentioning this because it is important that this dissapointment leads in to a colossal episode-bomb, dropped so early and so mercilessly:
Kit:"My friends, the Betty girls have come all the way from New York to produce me--I can't do it--"
Angus:"They came out here because your records' gonna be killer, and they're gonna love you."
Kit. You could sing the complete Celene Dion songbook through a kazoo after smoking grass and drinking milkshakes for 24 hours and it would still be better than the lyrics your "friends" are about to "produce."
Lesbian Squabble #25: Kinnards Make Strange Bedfellows
In the Ring: *Yawn*
Bette: While I'm away, I want you to move out.
Tina: Where am I supposed to go?
Bette: I don't know, just move into the other bedroom until we figure it out, I just don't want you in my bed anymore.
Tina: Alright, if that's what you want.
Bette: That's not what I want, Tina. You know, I'm not the one who decided that the last eight years of her life were some meaningless little dailience in the land of alternative lifestyles.
Tina: You know that's not true. I can't help the feeling I'm having.
Bette: Well, I don't want you to have them in my bed.
Then Tina totally grabs the baby to go nurse and takes her into the other room.
Lesbian (Psuedo) Squabble #26: I Dreamed a Dream
In the Ring: Carmen vs. Shane
Basically, Carmen had a bad dream in which Shane gave Cherie Jaffee the tattoo that her and Carmen got last episode.
Carmen: You were giving the tattoo to Cherie Jaffee, like the one that we have that's on the back of our necks, why did you do that?
Shane: Do what?
Carmen: Give her a tattoo.
Shane: I didn't.
Carmen: That's something that's really sacred to us, that's just between us.
Shane: But--I--I didn't--
Carmen: Goddamit, Shane, that's so FUCKED UP!
Lesbian Squabble #27: BLA BLA BLAhhhhhh
In the Ring: Tina vs. Bette
Um...bla bla bla I want to talk to her while i medidate bla bla bla...You no longer have the priveleges of being my life partner...bla bla bla...
Bette: You don't love me. You're changing who you are, and yes you are breaking up this family and it's about time we both got real about it.
Then the homophobic social worker vixen shows up. Tina and Bette try to act good for her, and Tina acts civil for about half a minute.
Best Squabble Ever:
I am so glad that Angus is fighting with Betty. I mean, he's talking about tempo, bla bla bla, but what he really should say is: "Let's re-do the theme song. Lets actually cut it out altogether, and also this episode maybe?"
I am sure that Betty is a fabulous musical group with great songs, but they've totally hijacked this episode. Are you Melissa Etheridge? No. Okay. So stop it. This whole thing just makes me uncomfortable.
Obviously Helena and Dylan are as in need of external stimulation as I am:
This whole episode just hurts really bad. It might be one of the worst episodes ever in the history of The L Word. And I love The L Word more than anyone i know. Seriously more than anyone I know.
This is a cute storyline though, with Shane and Alice and the haircuts? That's Dana behind them. She has no hair. :
A lesbian foreplay moment is a-brewin' downstairs, and Helena has helped make this happen by already being partially undressed:
Also it's cute when Alice and Shane come downstairs (where the fuck is this recording studio, p.s? I feel like I'm witnessing some sort of weird parents-are-out-of-town little party or something.)Alice: Hey guys. Makin' some tea?
(Hey Helena, wearing a shirt?)
Lesbian Foreplay Moment:Take me Home Tonight I Don't Wanna Let You Go Til We See the Light
The Players: Dylan and Helna.
The Pick-Up: Dylan says: "This is fucking insane."
Helena counters: I'll show you how fucking insane it is. You feel that? Nobody makes me wet like that. You're the first person who's ever done that.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Angus:"If you three can work up an arrangement where her vocal drama doesn't overwhelm kit's freestyle funk."
Kit:"No you did not just say that."
Angus: "Somebody's gotta say it."
Lesbian Sex Moment: Fucking at the Dock of the Bay
The Players: Dylan and Helena
The Pick-Up: See above.
Hot or Not?: VERY. Although her "I've never done this before" is like, um, not convincing. We've got bare breasts, and Helena goes down on her, and it actually lasts more than 30 seconds. Way to go, Ilene.
Time to dash some joy:
BACK TO THE TRAIL OF TEARS
Dana doesn't feel that she is beautiful anymore. Alice does. Even though Dana is dying, I still wish they would do it just one more time.
Lesbian Squabble #28: The Hazards of Dating a Writer
In the Ring: Max and Jenny
Side Note: FOR REAL? MAX. Jesus. Be an asshole. Grow bad facial hair, talk like a rubber duck, whatevs. BUT DO NOT EVER EVER threaten the health of someone's ibook OR EVER EVER tell Jenny she can't write about you. Dude, you are dating a memoirist. Deal with it or fucking leave. Ew ew ew.
Max: What's it about?
Jenny : Sort of about us, and what we're going through.
Max:Why are you doing that? DELETE IT! Delete that shit! I'm not okay with that!
Shane totally busts this shit up because she's sleeping on the couch because she's in trouble with Carmen. Hell yeah Skinny! You don't need to know how to read to be able to appreciate literature.
Lesbian Sex Moment Continued...
They are totally still at it.
Helena: Are you sure you've never done this before?
Jenny: No, it's our story. The story is not just about you. It's about how we met and everything that we've gone through up to this point. I don't wanna fight. Please. Can we just go?
Where are they going, you ask? To a basketball game on a private jet, because Helena wants to do something nice for her friend Dana (p.s. we've never seen them have a conversation before, but whatevs, it's still nice to do for someone who has cancer even if they are not your BFF)
TRAIL OF TEARS
I am not only crying because this little montage with almost-dead Dana is really depressing, and because this song has a nice beat, but I'm crying because a little tiny part of me is dying too because I am listening to some of the worst lyrics ever written in the history of mankind and they are moving me to tears. I mean, I may as well be sitting in a bubble bath made out of Diet Coke, surrounded by Aromatherapy candles, listening to Rod Stewart and reading Bergdorf Blondes.
When Alice gets tears in her eyes, it's like she has a direct laser from her tear ducts to mine.
In case you are wondering exactly what lyrics I am talking about, here are some that Kelka copied down for their podcast:
"It's a W-O-M-E-N thang, sisters,
Ying to Yang
Pleasure or pain
Mother Nature rules us all"
I'm too depressed to think about sex now. No Kinsey anything.
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ZERO this episode, FIVE in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ONE this episode, THIRTEEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, NINETEEN in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, TWENTY-EIGHT in total
Best Quote: Angus