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Lesbian Foreplay Moment #15: The Sexiest Stage of Grief
The Players:Alice and Lara
The Pick-Up: Totally none needed!! BUT "I want you to make me bleed" is also nice.
Hot or Not?: Hot and sad and lovely all at once. Almost makes me...um...CRY!!

Side Note: There's this great scene in "High Fidelity," after Laura's Dad's funeral, that goes like this:
Laura: Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It either that, or I go home and put my hand in the fire. Unless you want to stub cigarettes out on my arm.
Rob: No. I only have a few left, I've been saving them for later.
Laura: Right. It'll have to be sex, then.
Rob: Right. Right.


This reminds me of that. I like boys and girls both. Rob, and also Lara.



At the Bridal Boutique or Something, Jenny begins Her Stream of Awesome:
Alice: "What did you wear to your wedding, Jenny?"

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
Jenny:"Well, I wore a beautiful pair of Black Converse, a great pair of ripped tights with dirt on them, and a jean skirt and then I wore this beautiful old ripped stained pink sweatshirt. It was awesome."

Everything Jenny does in this episode is ridiculously awesome. Like this, where she is at a dinner with a bunch of guys that Max works with :
"I'm thinking about this story that I'm working on, about how when I was twelve, I used to masturbate like, twenty times a day and I'm not sure whether I should make it like--fiction--or like, a New Yorker-style essay piece."

Also she spells "FUCK YOU" with her food, which is also awesome.

Shane's fam has much better gaydar than Carmen's.

Carla: "I looked at her picture and I thought, I bet she's gay."
Joe:"You did, you nailed that."


From K.C And Elka's "Planet Cast":
Elka: "As soon as they get out of the limo they go into the hotel, and Carmen's family is there, all dressed like the Canadian ski team.....And you know that they are wearing those clothes because they don't own winter clothes because they live in L.A."
K.C "And they're poor."
Elka: "Poor or not, I know plenty of people who don't own a winter coat."
K.C:"Who?"
Elka:"People that live here."
K.C:"Name one person who doesn't own a winter coat."
Elka: "I don't know, people."
K.C:"No, they own winter coats, don't exaggerate."
Elka:"I'm not exaggerating. It's true."
K.C: "You said you know plenty of people who don't own a winter coat. You don't know anyone."
Elka: "[sic]."
K.C: "I'm sure he does."
Elka: "Alright, Let's call him and ask him.
K.C. "You just make shit up. 'Bobby. Bobby Jo. Uh, he works at the supermarket.'"


Jenny waxes poetic on skiing:
Jenny: I just hate all the bullshit that you have to go through with all the equipment.
Claude: Me too. I don't do any leisure activities that require me to use more than one piece of equipment, except sex.
Jenny: Sex isn't a leisure activity.
Claude: What is sex then?
Jenny: Sometimes it's a revelation. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes it's tepid.



Lesbian Sex Moment #22: Let's Give it a Whirl, Then?
The Players: Jenny and Claude
The Pick Up: "Cause you said that you didn't like labels" (long story)
Hot or Not? I love how they just bust out with the nip-shot after the ciggarettes and conversation thing. Yow! This is pretty steamy.



At the Bachelorette Party for Shane:
Jenny:"Shane, the thing that you've taught us about friendship is about being fearless, so thank you very much, Shane, for convincing me to cut my lustrous mink-like long long long mane as short as humanly possible and thank you very much, Shane, for not making it look like yours."
Alice: "It's really grown back fast."
Jenny: "Yeah, yeah it has."

...From the archives....
Jenny:"And Shane, only you could make a two-piece Pleather ensemble look good at seven in the morning--"
Alice: "After a one night stand."


OK: I think that this band is cool and stuff, but this song makes me feel gross. AND THAT'S NOT because I'm not a fan of the topic of "Eating Pussy 101," but because, much like that awful hip-hop song "Rolling in the Valley" or whatever, on the same topic, I just find it slightly crass and gross-ish. But they are good at rapping. And I think the one with the shaved head is kinda cool. I also enjoy the confused cast trying to act like people act when you're having dinner in a ski lodge and then are asked to stand up and walk over to where two girls are rapping about eating pussy in front of your party of about 12 people, which is a fundamentally ridiculous concept.




Suddenly this situation is made either more or less ridiculous by this random crowd of skinny girls in halter tops and boys in sweaters who come in and stand behind the rapper girls.

Lesbian Foreplay Moment #16: When You're Gay, All Sex is Pre-Marital Sex.
The Players: Mister and Missus Sharmen
The Pick-Up: "You can't come in, it's against the rules!"
Hot or Not?: See Carmen's outfit. Also, right before they get busted, you can hear Carmen give a little moan of pleasure that's like, out-of-this-world.

They totally get busted by Shane's Dad and StepMom. Daddy-O jokes: "I hope that's Carmen!"

But before all this....can we all take a moment of silence for the fact that we will not see Sarah Shahi wearing a white men's dress shirt and nothing else ever again? Because she pretty much looks as hot as any human person can possibly look.
Then you see Shane's Dad say "Let's go get a drink" and you can just see in Shane's eyes how long she's been waiting for a parent to say such a thing to her, and it breaks your heart.


There's really not a lot of squabbling or sex in this one, but I feel like I have to keep saying things because it's the finale?

This is Marilyn? Remember, from Episode One when they were all looking at their vaginas?
Then Marilyn talks about her heiress girlfriend. Who OBVIOUSLY IS PEGGY! Because anyone who has watched Season One thirty-thousand times, aka ME, remembers Peggy telling Bette: "I was a lesbian in 1974."

It's only a matter of time before this happens:

Peggy: "Nineteen-seventy-four."

Lesbian Squabble #38: Things Come Together, Things Fall Apart
In the Ring: Bette and Tina
It's hard for Bette to communicate with Tina because now she is spoken for by Henry, which means apparently she took no offense to the COSSSBYYY sweater he was wearing in the last scene. Bette tried to get the sole custody fax not sent, but Joyce was probably out sleeping with a pregnant woman so Tina got it and now she is all up on her anger and gonna lash out. RAWR. I like the lights for the wedding though, it's cute.

Bette is all like "Don't do this. I'm warning you!" Because she is about to become a different person and drive off into the night with a baby, headed for Mexico. WHAT?!! Yeah, I know.

As soon as the wedding starts, I start thinking about crying: 1. because they have placed a furry animal on Carmen's Mama's head, 2. Because Obvs Shane is going to stand her up. Oh my God, Alice just took her hand and my face got all Angela-Chasey! I can't handle this! The look on Carmen's face is devastated/"This is my last scene in this show, bitches! C-YA! Good luck on Season Four--BWahahaaha!!"


And Thus, the trail of tears comes to a conclusion."


JENNY MOMENT 10,000:
Jenny and Claude want to dance. Max thinks that is not a good idea. Here's why:

Max:You guys, this is a straight club, you're going to make people uncomfortable.
Claude:Then they deserve to be uncomfortable, don't you think?
Max:No, I don't think anyone deserves to be uncomfortable.
Claude: Max, I don't understand why you want to be like these people. You seem so much more interesting as who you are.
Max: How do you know who I am? You don't know who the fuck I am. Maybe I am like these people.

Jenny: Max, you're great the way you are, and the way you were, you know what happens when you walk out of this room? People start watching you and looking at you closely, and then at first they think that you're one of them, but then they look a litte more closely and they start to feel a little uneasy because you're not. you're always gonna be one of the others. You're like us.
Max:You don't know that.
Jenny:I'm gonna go dance.


Peggy's had enough of Helena's "generosity":

"Baby, because I love you very much I'm going to do something truly radical. Sweetheart, I'm cutting you off financially. From this moment forth, you are going to have to make relationships with people who love you for yourself, not your money."



THEN...Peggy gets into her car and drives into the sunset with her lesbian lover Marilyn! That is so cool, it almost almost makes up for a lot of other notsocool things this season.





The Round-Up:
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ZERO this episode, SIX in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: TWO this episode, SIXTEEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, TWENTY-TWO in total
Lesbian Squabbles: ONE this episode, THIRTY-EIGHT in total
Best Quote: Jenny
Kinsey: Five



SEASON THREE TOTALS:

6 Non-Lesbian Sex Moments
16 Lesbian Foreplay Moments
22 Lesbian Sex Moments
38 Lesbian Squabbles
Best Quotes: Go Ask Alice. She's got 7. Bette has 2. Those with one moment of glory include Carmen, Tina, Angus, Shane, Peggy and Tim. Sorry, Max. "You don't understand how it feels to live in this body!" is not a good quote.

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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