The opening sequence does not include our favorite song, "Girls in Tight Dresses." Instead it's all these scenes of Dana's lovely life. I haven't cried so much since they did the graduation-flashback sequence on "Saved by the Bell." Oh, the way we were!!
It makes me miss fun storylines like The Soup Chef....
and Dana's attempts at being a normal single lesbian who hooks up while Jenny is attempting to do the same, and they are both clumsy and failing:
and the whole ridiculous Tanya thang, which was funny, like when she killed Piddles...
and the funny and titilating sexual tension between Dana and Alice...
and their cute relationship....
.....moreso even than missing Dana herself. I miss when Dana had lines that were worth saying out loud.
After that brilliant opening, we go to the Funeral. What happens there is so totally bogus, i mean--his speech is all about how Dana could have settled down with a strong devoted man and a loving husband. Really? I mean, REALLY?!!!
Seriously, I cannot BEAR the writing in this episode.
OK this is how the scene was written by I.C and the girls:
(opening shot: girls are sitting in the funeral home, alone.)
Carmen: What are we waiting for?
Carmen: So, Max what was the name of that job you applied for?
Max: It's a place called Intech Mode, Jenny thought it would be cool---
Carmen:Didn't you--you already interviewed for that job, didn't you?
Jenny: No, Moira did. And they were a bunch of sexist pigs. So I was gonna write an article for it.
Tina: So you think they'll give Max a job but they refused Moira?
Max:It's a better job, actually, it's senior project manager. They seem to really like my resume, so--
Shane: Here she comes--
Alice: Hey guys, I'm going up.
Someone:Are those Dana's ashes?
Shane: You're my hero.
Alice: We're going to have our own memoiral at Camp Monehawta.
Here's how it could be written to sound less like forced exposition and provide more characteristic behavior, e.g., the girls not liking Max anymore, because he's been an asshole to Jenny.
(opening shot: the girls are sitting in the funeral home, alone)
Max: (trying to be slick and quiet, but failing) Hey, uh, Jen? I've got that interview in an hour.
Carmen: We don't need you here if you want--
Shane: Alice should be back in a minute--
Carmen: If you feel like staying. No pressure.
Jenny: He's staying.
Carmen: So uh, what job are you interviewing for?
Jenny: RE-interviewing, actually.
Max: It's at Intech Mode.
Jenny: Intech Mode are those pricks who turned down Moira for being "neither fish nor foul."
Helena: (laughs) Really? That's awfully crass.
Jenny: So I thought it would be a good article to see if they hire Max.
Max: It's a better job, actually, it's senior project manager.
Tina: What's the article for?
Jenny: Um (obviously has no clue because um, she's Jenny, sees Alice has returned and uses that as a distraction)--Alice!
Alice: Alright girls, I got it. Let's bust.
Helena: Are those Dana's ashes?
(Alice nods, smiles.)
Shane: Awesome. You're my hero.
Alice: For our own memorial service, the one Dana wanted. (campy, exaggerated:) At Camp Manahawa.
Doesn't Carmen look good in her gardening outfit?
Shane sure thinks so, because in a moment of Brian Kinney esque delusion (although, to be fair, Justin and Brian had a much more well developed relationship, BY FAR), she asks Carmen to marry her. Ha!
Lesbian Squabble #36: It's Raining Hypocrites!
In the Ring: Jenny V. Max
Content/Result: Max is all excited about his new job, where he is going to make six figures and get to hang out with a bunch of douchebags. Jenny is totally pissed, especially since her agent spoke to The New Yorker about the alleged article on the topic (really? The New Yorker? There are other magazines out there that might be more appropriate venues, but whatevs) and Max says that's "so not cool," which is actually the opposite of what a New Yorker article is... I mean, that's really cool. So Jenny is all like: "What are you gonna do now? Sell out? Start sleeping with the enemy?" And Max offers this soundbyte: "If you think MEN are the enemy, then you and me have a problem."
THE SET FOR THIS PART OF THE SHOW IS SO AWFUL. It looks like Cabellas. Or, maybe, to be fair, like FrontierLand.
The part of this show that is redeeming, that almost makes all the pain worth it, are these flashbacks. Backstory: what an idea!
Alice is so cute here!
Lesbian Squabble #37: You'll be Hearing from My Lawyers, Bitch.
In the Ring: Young Alice V. Young Dana
Content/Result: Alice is interviewing Dana for a sports magazine--it's their first meeting EVER. Dana is obviously gushing over her "first influence," this pro tennis player who, according to Dana, had "long blonde hair, and really incredible muscles, and she was always really tan" and when Alice suggests that Dana was maybe "infatuated" or "had in-love feelings for her?" Dana totally flips and cancels the interview.
Flashback: The Millenium Party: This is an amazing flashback. Especially when Dana introduces Kit to her "boyfriend" Hunter and she does a little ghetto hello and Hunter is all like "ow!"
"Y'all couldn't wait to out her out of that closet! She was suffocating in there, you had to bring her out! She couldn't breathe, she needed to live. Am I wrong?"
Jenny: I was at the Palms, and she came, and we bumped into each other and we started talking or whatever and then she came back to The Shed and we continued to have the worst sex ever in history.
Helena: How did you recover after that
Jenny: We decided that we should just stop before it got totally out of hand and just like, two crazy people and I don't know, she asked me if I wanted to learn how to dance.
I loved this scene between Jenny and Dana in Season One. It really reflected all the awkwardness you feel when you're first gettin' it on with ladies and feeling like it should be more arbitrary then it is; like that "I am a hot lesbian, you are a hot lesbian, I guess we should make out?" thing.
Flashback Story One: Shane Takes Dana on an Acid Trip to Tegan and Sara
Dana: Will it set me free?
Shane: It will give you the illusion that it sets you free, and that's just as good.
This is when Dana takes acid and Tegan and Sara say "Did you know that Dana Fairbanks is a lesbian?"
Then I fast forward a whole lot because seriously, life is hard enough as it is without being moved to tears by ten minutes of terrible writing and girls wearing cute winter-wear on a mountain that is so clearly some sort of backlot set they last pulled out for The Brady Bunch goes to camp.
Lesbian Foreplay Moment #14: You both Always wanted to like BE Angela Chase, you know? So in a way, like, Rayanne sleeping with Jordan, was her for like, just a little while, getting to BE her, you know?
The Players: Lara and Alice.
The Pick-Up: A LOT of heavy weeping, like violently heavy weeping
Hot or Not?: Devastating.
I was too distracted to think about Kinsey. But, even in it's most terrible moments, this episode did remind me of how much I love the queer "world"--the community of women thing. If that makes sense? So we'll just stick with whatever it was last time, plus One.
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ZERO this episode, SIX in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ONE this episode, FOURTEEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: this episode, TWENTY-ONE in total
Lesbian Squabbles: TWO this episode, THIRTY-SEVEN in total
Best Quote: Who knows. Likely alice. Or maybe me, talking about Alice.