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I just want you to know that I'm really only covering the parts of this episode directly related to my mission statement. This includes: squabbles, sex, foreplay, Jenny Moments, Kittisms, and other things I deem amazing. This does not include: deaths from breast cancer, especially those in which a totally healthy athletic woman goes from diagnosis to death in like, less time than it takes to say "Mammogram."

Bad sign: when the best your lesbian soap opera can do for nudity is to cover two hot lesbians completely in mud and then comment on how cute they look. Anyhow, the point is that the Lara part of the chart begins, but doesn't end. Which means that, once again, this episode is NOT starting with sex.

Instead, it's starting with Lara getting sad and calling Dana. Dana is not home. She's busy. See?


WHO STILL USES ANSWERING MACHINES???!!! I mean, Bette was talking to Tina's answering machine last episode (also echoing in the empty house) , and now this. I can only suspend my disbelief so many times before I go crazy and start leaving Ilene Chaiken answering machine messages. Oh, Carrie Bradshaw had one. That was nice.

THE MESSAGE:
"Dana. It's Lara. I'm just calling to see how you're doing. I can't stop thinking about you. I wish that I was there with you. Can you call me back, please? I want to talk to you about coming home."

(sound of forty nails being nailed into a coffin, all at the same time, and with PASSION!)


This is when Alice tells Dana:
"You're right, bisexuality is gross. I see it now."

And this line has been cited far too often as evidence of Alice's betrayal of her bisexual identity and The L Word's betrayal of it's commitment to an accurate narrative within this context, but obviously it's just a joke between her and Dana, and P.S., Tina DOES make bisexuality seem gross (which is who Alice is commenting on) and she is a total cunt to Bette about her bisexuality, instead of being nice like other bisexuals are, e.g. me. And also because she's dating Backne Henry, who is GROSS.

Also Dana tells Alice that she loves her. Then she croaks and dies. JK! That happens later, gator.



Speaking of bisexuality...Tim is meeting Jenny and the Monster for lunch. Tim...HE LOOK GOOD. God, I love him.....he went to Sarah Lawrence. Did you know that? Damn, Eric Mabius has been busy. First there was Welcome to the Dollhouse. Then this year there was this, and Ugly Betty AND The O.C.!! Coach. Rawr.



Tim:"The next time we see Jenny, she might be with a German Shepard. Just brace yourself."
Becky:"What are you even talking about?"
Tim: "Jenny. It's just classic Jenny bullshit. It's not enough for her to be gay, she has to have a girlfriend who's a boyfriend, it's just too fucking much."

I'm sorry. I have to give him quote of the week.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK ONE:
Tim:"The next time we see Jenny, she might be with a German Shepard. Just brace yourself."


Lesbian Squabble#34: An Eye for an Eye
In the Ring: SHARMEN!!!
P.S. Carmen has cheated on Shane, and she told her about it, and so now they are having this fight thing that only happens when two people are like, unemployed
Shane:What's her name?
Carmen:You don't know her.
Shane: Just tell me what the fuck her name is.
Carmen: Her name is Robin.
Shane: Robin Howard?
Carmen: No. I don't remember her last name.
Shane: Did you fuck her more than once?
Carmen:Why does that matter, Shane?
Shane:Did you?
Carmen:Who said that I fucked her?

Carmen: "What are you gonna do, get drunk? It's two o'clock in the afternoon."
(pause)
Carmen: "You seem upset."
Shane: "That's you projecting, Carmen."

HAR. Also, side note: Lainy was like "What's wrong with that?" when Carmen said "What are you gonna do, get drunk? It's two o'clock in the afternoon."



Wow--I didn't even notice this the first time (probably hard to see through my FOG of TEARS)--but Jenny is totally watching the wife and imagining herself being Tim's wife, and it's really clever. Way to go, writers of The L Word. Do more like this. Thanks.

The look that she gives her is totally priceless too. Like "really? always? the BEST hot dogs?" Also I'd like to note that she's brought out the tights for the occasion.


PEGGY PEABODY IS THE BEST CHARACTER ON THIS GODDAMN TRAIN WRECK
Peggy: Can I ask why is it that we were made to see this?
Lawyer: Because it shows your daughter for what she is. A predator.
Peggy: Have you seduced many women in your life, Mr. Shepard?
Asshole Lawyer:That has no relevence to what's going on here.
Peggy: Maybe, but If you want my opinion, I don't think you have very much knowledge of the ways of seduction, what I saw was a rather moist sexual game, in the worst possible taste to be sure, but certainly not harassment.
Asshole Boyfriend: It was blatant coersion.
Peggy: And you say that because you know Dylan very well?
Assshole:Uh yeah I do.
Peggy:And you know she would never fall in love with a woman?
Asshole:Your daughter got her hooks into Dylan, Dylan was afraid if she didn't do what she wanted, she was going to pull her funding. You saw the tape, right?
Peggy:Yes, I did, and frankly, I'm not convinced.
Asshole:Oh you're not convinced, well that's too bad, because this time your money and your privelege you know you're not gonna be able to twist what happened to your advantage.
Peggy: Goodness you're resentful.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK TWO:
Peggy:Maybe, but If you want my opinion, I don't think you have very much knowledge of the ways of seduction, what I saw was a rather moist sexual game, in the worst possible taste to be sure, but certainly not harassment.


Possibly one of my favorite jenny moments EVER:
(Tim says something about Jenny not being able to commit to anything..)

Jenny:"Oh I committed, I became a self mutilator, went on medication, did a short stint in a psychiatric hospital, spent six months with my parents in Skokie. Everything that I know you would want to have happened to me."
Tim: "I never wanted any of that for you, Jenny.
Jenny:I don't really believe you.
Tim: Well, I'm sorry, for you.
Monster (to Becky):Are you guys driving or are you flying back?
Becky: Flying.
Tim:You know what pisses me off? You acting like such a victim, and no, I'm not gonna forgive you, I'm not gonna wish you well, I'm sorry, you should have let me go, that would have been the honorable thing to do.
Jenny: Don't talk to me about Honorable, Tim, hey Becky did you know that the night Tim came to say goodbye to me, he gave me a little revenge fuck? Is that honorable, Tim?


So we go back and forth between this like, kinda heartbreaking sex scene between Carmen and Shane, and other stuff, like this hospital crap.


Lesbian Sex Moment #21: Prelude to The Kind of Fucking Where You Might Just Die From It, see also MAKE UP SEX
The Players: Shane and Carmen
The Pick-Up: "Do you feel better now? Do you feel good now that we're even?"
Hot or Not?: Beautiful.


And the latest in "I LOVE PEGGY PEABODY" campaign:
"Reasonable, three million dollars p and a, 250 screens to start, and 2,000 in the fourth week. This is a documentary, not finding fucking Nemo."



Lesbian Squabble #35: In which Monster Max Loses All Credibility
In the Ring: Jenny and Her Monster Boy

Max: You guys just have your stuff, that's all. Tim's not that bad of a guy.
Jenny: What? Did you hear that conversation?
Max: Do you miss it?
Jenny: What?
Max:I don't know, being with a man, I mean ,that could have been your life.
Jenny: I would have killed myself if that was my life.
Max: He seemed happy though, I mean, you know, he's got a good job, a wife, a kid on the way. Doesn't seem so bad to me.
Jenny:Max, would you want to be some oblivious guy that lives in the suburbs and has a wife and kids and an SUV who just lets all the rotten shit in the world go by, trying not to let it touch him?
Max:I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to be happy.

Someone, one day, is gonna say something like this to Haviland, or Natalie, or Krista:

Tanya:I was always a little jealous of you, Alice.
Alice:Why?
Tanya:Because Dana loves you so much. It was actually kind of hard to deal with when we were together. Ultimately knowing that there was this other person who was so much more important than me.



Ok. So Shane and Carmen are still fucking like they mean it.


Then it's showing the time, like where everyone is at this moment? Which is when I started to fast forward because I can't handle this kind of stuff. I actually cried anyhow, even watching Alice cry in fast forward. Actually, I'm almost crying writing this.


So then the episode is over. See?:


OVER.



The Round-Up:
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ZERO this episode, SIX in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ZERO this episode, THIRTEEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, TWENTY-ONE in total
Lesbian Squabbles: TWO this episode, THIRTY-FIVE in total
Best Quote: Tim and Peggy
Kinsey: THREE.

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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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