The sooner we start this ship, the sooner we reach the shore, and on the shore is a fantastic sex scene that I have already re-watched no less than ten bazillion times. So lets go. We're back on this little narrative and Frank, the threesome-is-better-than-hell's-fire dude, is on a preaching tour in the Bible Belt, where he stops to get his fudge packed.
Non-Lesbian Sex moment #1: Resisting All Urges to Make a Rim Job Joke
The Players: Frank, the "Ex-Gay" Preacher Man, and Coleman the Future Yale Undergrad
The Pick-Up: "These ones here offer slightly better response and handling."
Hot or Not: In 1997, I was away from school for a weekend, watching "The Road Rules" marathon with my gay friends Ryan and Anthony. Around Episode 541, I could tell that Ryan and Anthony were ready to start boning, and I respected that but moreso I really seriously wanted to finish watching the marathon because we didn't get MTV in boarding school. So then they just got it on anyhow, and I was like, hey, actually, that's kinda hot, but I was really mostly interested in the marathon. Anyhow this is also hot, though not near as hot as Brian Kinney and Justin in Queer as Folk.
Totally Thwarted Cybsersex Moment
Bette is trying to meditate but she can't really because the poltergiest is chanting in her brain and it sounds like Tina, so then she goes to the computer and finds the (apparently unemployed) "DaddyOf2" sitting at home masturbating, reminding lesbians everywhere why they don't like men.
DaddyOf2: want me to take it out? I have pre cum squirting out
Lindsy: I think you have the wrong person.
DaddyOf2: Dyke w/baby seeks real man for good fuck? Slide ur big cock into my blonde pussy Lindsy.
Ha, totally caught red-handed, Tina, you deviant bitch. Although personally I don't think cyber-cheating is cheating, it kinda is when your relationship already totally blows and you are Tina.
Bisexual Speed Dating Night
Alice has forced the petulant Helena to accompany her to Bisexual Speed Dating Night, and when Helena complains that she's not even bisexual and therefore should not have to be there, Alice tells Helena....
"The world is your bisexual oyster, so shut up, okay?"
Chaiken Takes the Cake
Something amazing happens here, which is that Angus starts singing "Changes" on his guitar, and people start singing along and it's actually cute and I feel my heart somewhat warmed. Maybe they should have this as the opening instead of "Girls in Tight Dresses."
Now I will quote the Planet Podcast, on the topic of Angus' cute-ness level, relative to other token males on The L Word:"Angus was adorable in this episode and I have a huge crush on him now. Put some eyeliner on the guy, and he becomes adorable. The eyeliner just did it for me. So anyhow, some of the guys have been good looking and some of the guys that are supposed to be good looking have been boring and/or repulsive."
Lesbian Squabble #13: Adult-Friend-Finder
In the Ring: Bette and Tina/Lindsy76
Tina totally tries to lie about the dizzle between her and her internet boyfriend, but Bette went to Yale. Or Harvard. I don't remember.
Tina:You're acting like I have some big secret internet sex life.
Bette: No, Tina, I think you're the one acting like that.
Dana is thinking about what might happen when she doesn't have two breasts anymore. We are thinking about what might happen when Chaiken unceremoniously kills her off and none of us get to see either of her breasts anymore, ever, at least in a lesbionic context.
Lesbian Foreplay Moment #10: "All Girls are Straight Until They're Not."
The Pick-Up: "Are you alright?"
(Um, is it alright if we get it on?)
The Players: Dylan and Helena
Hot or Not: Hot. And also, err, Dylan totally know what she's doing. Did you know she used to be Ellen's girlfriend? Then the boyfriend comes home. This brings back some bad memories, like of the worst part of um, you know, girl-on-girl action with girls who have boyfriends.
Lesbian Squabble #14: When WebMD attacks.
In the Ring: Dana and Lara.
Lara is trying to find treatments and information online to help Dana and Dana is so not having it.
Dana:"Lara! Stop trying to make me feel good about my cancer!"
Okay, um, this is pretty much the greatest thing to happen since Season One.
Cherie Jaffee is BACK.
Shane: "What are you doing here?"
Cherie: "I have an appointment to get my haircut. You don't just do mohawks, do you? Cuz I don't think I'd look too good with a mohawk."
Shane: "Cherie....Peroni? That's you?"
Cherie: "I went back to my maiden name. I wasn't going to keep that fucker's name, but I sure as hell kept a shitload of his money."
(Cherie strides over to the hair station)
Cherie: "Is this where you want me?"
Krista, remember when we re-played the scene when Shane came to Cherie's house the first time and was like "What can I do for you?" or whatever? Heart-flutter!!
Lesbian Squabble #15: My Clothes are More Special Than Your Haircut.
In the Ring: Um, Tina and Bette.
I don't know what the fight was about at first, but then eventually Tina just gets pissed that Bette bought an expensive shirt for all of her meditation retreats, aka Jennifer Beals' pregnancy.
Tina:"I didn't know Buhddism could be that expensive."
Bette:"It wasn't that expensive, Tina."
Tina: "I didn't know you needed special clothes to meditate."
(Okay. I feel her there. People say that kinda shit to me all the time. I do need special clothes for everything, EVERYTHING. Especially "chillin'" for which I require 7-8 pairs of appropriate sweatpants)
Bette: "You know what Tina? In the seven years that I was the sole wage earner in this household I never lorded money over you the way you do me."
Tina: "And we didn't have a child then."
Bette: "And you didn't have a three hundred dollar haircut."
Lesbian Squabble #16: And THIS is What We Call Dyke Drama.
In the Ring: Sharmen!
Carmen isn't impressed that Shane is cutting Cherie's hair. I'm not impressed that Carmen is wearing wind pants, stripper heels, and her 10th ridiculous t-shirt of the series. Seriously, what was Shane supposed to do? Turn away a client because they used to have incredible fan-fucking-tastic mind-blowing sex? No. That would not only make Shane sad, but it would make Wax sad, and it would make ME sad. But Carmen thinks that Shane should:
Carmen: "Tell her to go fuck herself. Act like you have a girlfriend."
She stomps off in her ridiculous heels. Cherie is on the fucking ball:
Cherie: "Congratulations Shane, she's pretty. But not as hot as you are. Why don't you come out to the beach this weekend. You can bring the girlfriend, but I'd prefer to see you alone."
See what you done, Carmen? You totally facilitated this:
At Wax, there is a party and the theme of the party is "Everyone Look Super-Fly."
Jenny got Little Prince all dressed up for the party, he even got some Boys-Don't-Cry boob-bandages and a strap-on and everything.
Alice is getting bitten by Uta, the lesbian vampire she met at bisexual speed-dating. Uta is not only undead, she is also totally smokin' hot.
Carmen is basically wearing underwear and a vest. She is one of about five people in the universe who could pull this outfit off.
Lesbian Squabble #17: You Can't Take It With You
In the Ring: Bette, Future Director of the Whitney, and Tina, who Has a Job Here that She Loves and that probably Pays More than a Museum Position.
Bette: So, um, you're saying that if I were named the director of the Whitney, you wouldn't move to New York?
Tina: I'd have to think about it.
BREAK THE FUCK UP, LADIES. BREAK UP. BREAK UP. PLEASE. THANKS.
So Alice is totally on the phone with Helena (yes, that's a topless photo up there) after having sex with Uta (for the first time that night), which is funny, because that's also something I would do. Except instead of making Helena look at vampire websites, I'd be like "Haviland, check her myspace comments, STAT!"
Lesbian Sex Moment #13: Interview with the Lesbian Vampire.
The Players: Alice and Uta the Lesbian Vampire.
The Pick-Up: "Sorry to keep you waiting--"Hot or Not: Possibly even worth becoming one of the undead.
Lesbian Sex Moment #14: The Last Supper.
The Players: Dana and Lara.
The Pick-up: "Please."
Hot or Not?: Dana cries when she cums because she's afraid it could be the last time. It's hot and also kinda gut-wrenching. Lainy probably cried at this part.
The Moment of Truth:
Tina:I just have all these feelings that I don't know what to do with...it's so fucked up....and I don't know what I'm doing.
Bette: Feelings about what?
Tina: Feelings about men.
Don't get sad over the breakup of this incredibly compatible and functional partnership.... because the hottest thing ever is about to happen!! (!!!)
Shane, looking gorgeous, arrives at La Casa de Cherie-with-her-Maiden Name.
Lesbian Sex Moment #15: SURRENDER DOROTHY!
The Players: Shane and Cherie.
The pick-up: None needed.
Hot or Not?: More or less capable of providing more personal lubrication than actual physical foreplay itself. Like, just let me watch this scene, and then come over, and then we can, you know, whatevs.
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, ONE in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ONE this episode, TEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: THREE this episode, FIFTEEN in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FIVE this episode, SEVENTEEN in total
Best Quote: Alice