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The opening scenes are now moving closer to the present time, e.g.....

Los Angeles Opera, 1996:

Lesbian Sex Moment #17: Ahhhahhhaahhh ahhhhh ah haahhhaaaa
The Players: Bette and Alice
The Pick-Up: None required. The Flower Duet of Fuckin' Letrenieu or whatever.
Hot or Not? Getting fingered at the opera is essentially my dream date. When the song is over and Bette extracts her hand from Alice's p**** and gives her best opera clap? More or less perfect.

Lesbian Sex Moment #18: Shoot me Up and Do Me, Woman.
The Players: Jenny and "Max"
The Pick-Up: "You know what, it kinda turns me on that I'm helping you become more of a man."
Hot or Not?: Kinda hot, but also a bit brief. I mean, it kinda ends just as it gets going. Kinda like Dana's life.

Lesbian Squabble #21: Fairbanks Fans Revolt
In the Ring: Lara VS. Dana
Dana:Where the hell did my life go?
Lara: Your life is right here; I'm here, your friends are here, your family, here, your fans--
Dana:My fans--my fans!??!! Have you been to my website? Have you seen what they're writing about me? One moron even wrote that I'm faking having cancer?! "She's faking it!" I finally won a tournament I'm actually just retiring!

Crisis of Faith.....
Uta: One embrace doesn't make you a vampire.
Alice: No, I agree with the vampires, it's not that, it's just as far as I'm concerned, God sucks.

Billy: "I had to jack off twice today just to get my heart started. Anyway, I don't sleep, I've got FMS."
Kit: "FMS? What is FMS? Fag Muchhausen Syndrome?"
Billy: "Fear of Missing Something."

I like that, "I had to jack off twice today just to get my heart started." That's nice.

Lesbian Foreplay Moment #11: That Old Song and Dance
The Players: Helena and Dylan.
Helena:You know Dylan I made a promise to myself to stop sleeping with married people.
Dylan: Danny is my boyfriend, we're not married. We just live together--
Helena: In the lesbian world, that is "married."
(some snogging)
Helena:"I don't wanna be the lie you tell to someone."
Dylan:"What do you want?"
Helena:"I don't want it halfway and I don't want it at someone else's expense--we should just be friends--can we try that?"
Hot or Not?: Sigh.

I HATE THESE SITUATIONS.Helena: "This is a no-win on my part. What starts in chaos ends in chaos."

WORD. (i think?)

At Chez Bettina, the girls are having some sort of pool party because no one, apparently, has a job. Dana is there being miserable, and then they bring out a "Happy First Chemo" Cake. Which I think is kinda cute, but then someone asks if it's a wedding cake.

Carmen: No, it's not a wedding cake. You're just jealous because my girlfriend and I are two gold stars who found each other.
(wondering how this relates to the conversation preceding it? Well, it actually doesn't.)
Kit:What's a gold star?
Bette: Oh, it's someone who's gay who's never had sex with a member of the opposite sex.
Carmen: People who bump uglies with uglies.
Jenny: Can I be a gold star even though I've slept with men?
Shane: Jenny, you're the Jewish star.

(1. Jenny, seriously? That's the definition of the word. That's like saying "Can I be a vegetarian even though I'm biting into a big juicy steak right now?
2. Jenny, you have a girlfriend, and you are trying to physically turn her into a man.
3. I originally transcribed that dialogue because it seems like the kind of thing someone might say to me. Then I thought it would be funny to put gold stars on Carmen and Shane in the photo, like this:
Then I realized if I put a Jewish star on Jenny, it would summon some unpleasent associations. Speaking of, Dana is dying.

Lesbian Squabble #22: Seriously, I thought Girlfriend and "Memory Monitor" were more or less synonymous? Which is why I am such a good Girlfriend.
In the Ring: Lara and Dana.
Lara: Baby, remember, she already told us? Tina is in Vancouver.
Dana:She already told us, well I forgot. What are you my Memory Monitor now? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, look, I'm gonna go lie down if that's okay.
Lara: Do you want me to come with you?
Dana: No.

Non-Lesbian Sex Moment #4: Look, i like watching two guys fuck, aka Brian Kinney and Justin in 'Queer as Folk,' but like, this, is just like, gross.
The Players: Billy and Little Prince, who henceforth I will now call Big Prince
The Pick-Up: "You're a really cool guy, Billy, you've really helped me out a lot."
Hot or Not?: When we watched this, I got into a big fight with Lainy about it because I didn't really understand why we were being subjected to this.

Also they like, tear each other's clothes off, why don't you have some girls do that?

Bette:"I love this aria. Remember this?"
Alice:"Oh you mean our third date when you finger fucked me at the opera before telling me you didn't think we were right for each other and that you'd just met a straight girl you thought you might fall in love with? No, I don't remember a thing."

Here we go again....

Alice:"Lara, Dana needs you."
Lara:"She needs you, Alice. You're strong. I feel lost, I feel totally lost."
Alice:"Dana's lost too. And I need to find her."

Non-Lesbian Sex Moment #5: Sometimes, Boys Ruin Things:
The Players: Josh and Tina.
(So they are about to get it on and ..... )
Josh:"You know, I never thought that you were queer. "
Tina: "Don't speak"
Josh:"You're way too hot for that. You're soooo not a lesbian."
Tina:"Are you really that clueless? You have no idea who I am or how I feel!
Josh::"I know that you didn't feel like a lesbian just now."

Tina:This was gonna be so easy for you! I was so ready to jump into bed with you, now it turns out you're an ignorant ass! Why didn't you just shut up and fuck me? Why did you make it impossible for me to do something that I wanted to do?
Josh: You are one fucked up woman, Tina.
Tina: Yeah, well I'm still your fucked up boss.

Ew for boys:

"What the fuck are you doing? You know, I don't care if you fuck up your own life, but you will not fuck up my business. This business is my life, the door was unlocked--Billy, the police could have come in!....Billy, you are the most irresponsible fuck I have ever met in my whole life. You are a sad and selfish mess. I don't care how many people you know and how many people you bring to the club. I am not gonna have it, I am not gonna have this shit in my club, Billy I am talking to you!"

Lesbian Foreplay Moment #12: Really, Shane? REALLY?!
The Players: Sharmen.
The Pick-Up: Hm, happened before we got there.
Hot or Not?: "I'm sorry, I'm just distracted." That's more or less the least hot thing EVER.

Lesbian Squabble #23/Trail of Tears Moment
In the Ring: Lara and The Tennis-Player-Formerly-Known-As-Dana Fairbanks
Dana:You're not my nurse, you're not my mother, you're not anything.
Lara: No Dana, and I'm not your fucking punching bag either. Maybe it would be better for you if I just go away for a little while.
Dana: Why don't you just go then?


Lara:"I don't want to go anywhere without you, okay? I love you, Dana."
Dana: "I just want you to leave. Just go. Please go. LEAVE!"

Jenny's come out to the East Coast to have a Vagina Monologue:

Eve Ensler is playing Jenny's editor, and she is not happy about Jenny's book (the subject matter, not the writing, oddly enough). Maybe she could only do one episode? Anyhow. She says Jenny is promoting body mutilation. (I really don't think body mutilation needs a promotional campaign, I think it's doing just fine, I mean , regardless of Jenny's desire to discuss it.)

Jenny: I would never suggest that anybody does that to themselves, but for me, in that moment, at that time, it made me feel like I was alive and it made me feel like I had some control over my life and in that moment that was empowering--
Editor:That's bullshit, Jenny--
Jenny: It's not bullshit because it's what I did. You can't tell me, I'm sorry but you can't tell me what's bullshit!

"Let me ask you something why are you working on my book? Why? You guys asked me to change it from fiction to memoir and that put me in a pretty vulnerable position and suddenly I'm too passive for you, I'm a victim, I'm not transformed enough, so you know what I think? I think--I don't know--may I? Thank you. I think you should probably go find yourself another hero."
"Fuck You."


Alice:"You know what? I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to make sure you're safe. I promise."

Alice:"You are surrounded by love, and you have fucking insurance, and you have a family, and you have a family and friends and a home, you're young and you should be out of bed."

(When she said insurance, I was all like "WORD" in my head.)

Lesbian Squabble #24: What We Talk About When We Talk About Transvestites
In the Ring: Carmen Vs. Pretty Much Everyone, but Especially Dana.
The girls are at the B-52s concert--this place is better than the Peach Pit, P.S.
Carmen:Oh my god, I loved that article, it was all about women who become men and they take hormones and testosterone and they l like cut off all their hair and they like, cut their tits---
(awkward pause)
Dana:I'm gonna go--I gotta go--
Carmen:Fuck! Dana--I'm so sorry---

Blah. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blahhhhhh.
Just for good measure, because girls are oversensitive and irritating:

The Round Up:
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: TWO this episode, FIVE in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: TWO this episode, TWELVE in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: TWO this episode, EIGHTEEN in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, TWENTY-FOUR in total
Best Quote: Alice, Tina
Kinsey: THREE


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Auto-Straddle is where Autowin indulges her guilty pleasures -- The L Word, South of Nowhere, and other queer pop culture.

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