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In Episode 6, Lifesize, we will begin, approximately mid-episode, what is known by repressed teenage soap-loving maniacs like me pop culture historians as "The Trail of Tears."

According to Wikipedia:1

Between March 2006 and June 2006, as part of Ilene Chaiken's Lesbian Dismissal Policy, the writers of The L Word forced it's fan base to give up it's hopes for a series which reflected it's opinions and desires and migrate instead to a merciless world of waterfall mirages, death-bed pow-wows, impulsive and illogical wedding proposals, baby-kidnappings, complete personality transformations, minimal sexual encounters and gut-wrenching plot twists. The L-Word Fan Base called this journey the 'Trail of Tears' because of its devastating effects. The migrants faced minimal sex drive, low self esteem, alienation and emotional pillaging on the forced march. Over 4,000 out of the 15 gazillion potential viewers stopped watching, and tribe favorites Sarah Shahai and Erin Daniels did not make it to Season 4.2

Non-Lesbian Sex Moment #2: I Need a Hero! I'm Holding out for a Hero!
The Players: Yale, 1985: A young Bette and her gay boyfriend Coleman. Bette is channeling Flashdance in her grey sweatshirt off the shoulder thing, it's more or less adorable. They are looking at Robert Maplethorphe photos.
The Pick-Up:"Are you hard?"
Hot or Not?: Not hot really, but funny. And it's hot that she's doing it in her Flashdance sweatshirt.

When I Knew...
Bette: "You're fucking that guy in the photograph. I do it too."
Coleman: "Who?"
Bette: Proffessor Bennica Palmer.

Adam Rapp wrote this episode. He's a really good playwright and we saw his play 'Red Light Winner' and that's why the dialogue in this episode is above par.

That fuck-fest that happened last episode will not go unpunished. These are lesbians so we are all going to have to sit down and talk this out. We all have issues, you know:

Lesbian Squabble #18: The World is Not Your Bisexual Oyster.
Bette: Did you fuck him yet?
Tina: Did you fuck who?
Bette:Whoever it is that you have these feelings for.
Tina: No. I haven't slept with anyone.
Bette: So he's just this amorphorous male figure comprised entirely of cyber-pollen?

and SO ON.

I think it's really funny that Angus is head-over heels in love with Kit, like that the one boy in this show is an oversensitive guitar player guy. He's like, indie and emo and everything all at once.

"We had four fantastic orgasms, thank you, thank you very much."


Jenny's James Frey Moment!
Publisher/Jan Martin:How much of the novel is true? I'm imagining that a lot of the things in this book actually happened to you.
Jenny:Well, it cuts pretty close to the bone.
Jan Martin: Not since Bastard out of Carolina have I been so thoroughly convinced, the way you handle drama and the landscape of that girl's mind.

Jan Martin Moment:
Jan Martin:"People aren't buying literary fiction the way they used to, survivor memoirs have a much better chance of breaking out and reaching an audience."

Lesbian Squabble #19: Much Ado About Fucking.
In the Ring: The couple formerly known as Sharmen.
Carmen: "Are you in love with her?"
Shane: "No."
Carmen: "Are you sure?"
Shane: "Yeah."
Shane: "Please Carmen I don't want to make this into a big deal."
Carmen: "You go all the way over to someone's beach house and you fuck them til the sun comes up and you're asking me not to make it into a big fucking deal?"
Shane: "You were practically coming all over those two def jam guys!"
Carmen: "That was work and you know it. Are you jealous?"
Shane: "No, I'm not fucking jealous. It just made me sad."
Carmen: "Oh, you are so fucking sad that you go off and fuck Cherie Jaffee? What kind of psychotic response is that, Shane?"

(errghh....that's psychotic? Fuck.)

Shane: "I guess I'm really fucked up in that way."

(pause. Carmen looks like she is having a change of heart.)

Carmen: "Are you hungry?"
Shane: "Yeah, I'm starving."
Carmen: "You are?"
Shane: "Yeah."
Carmen: "We've got some pizza."

(Carmen starts throwing slices of pizza at Shane)
Carmen: "Do you want sausage or fucking pepperoni?!!!"

Yee Haw!

Lesbian Squabble #20: How Many Birds DO You Love, Exactly?
In the Ring: Shane Vs. Carmen, Round Two.
Carmen: (reading from dictionary) "OK, we're talking MONOGAMY. Monogamy: it is a noun, and it is the tradition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time."
Shane: "I get it, Carmen."
Carmen: "Wait a minute, I just want to make sure that you and I both know what we're talking about here. Oh, listen to this, monogamy is common among birds."
Shane: "That's great, because I love birds."
Carmen: "It is the practice of having a single mate during a period of time, does that mean anything to you?"
Shane: "I'm willing to try, is that not enough? I'm willing to try something that doesn't come naturally to me and that I don't understand but that I'm willing to try."

Carmen: "Birds, Shane, I'm talking about a goddamn fucking bird. I'm talking about asking you to be as civilized as a goddamn fucking bird."

(Carmen aims fire extinguisher at Shane)

Shane: "Don't."
Carmen: "Really?
Really, it would be wrong,
it would be completely irresponsible."

(Carmen totally does it. Then Alice comes over when Shane is still all like, extinguished.)

Alice: It was the best sex I've ever had in my life. I came like, nine thousand times. Did you hear that, Shane, nine thousand orgasms?
Shane: That's fantastic, Alice.

Lesbian Sex Moment #16: Bet You Didn't See THIS one Coming
The Players: Dylan and Helena
The Pick-Up: "What?"
Hot or Not?: All forbidden and lovely like.

I would like to let you know that this is where we enter "The Trail of Tears."


Stop One: The Shower. Shane apologizes to Carmen.
The two hottest girls on this show are naked in the shower together, and Carmen is crying, and so am I.

Stop Two: The Hospital
Something has not gone well with Dana, but the doctor won't tell Lara what it is. This is when we know things are about to go terribly wrong.

Stop Three: Alice's Bedroom. Lara calls Alice to tell her that Dana is much sicker than she let on, and that she needs to get in touch with Dana's parents. Alice was about to go on a date, but Dana is cock-blocking her from her death bed. (I'm trying to be lighthearted about this, y'all)

Stop Four: The Hospital. Alice tells the Fairbanks what's what, and I cry for Alice's humility and kindness as well as the overall tragedy of this situation, plus I'm already thinking about that singing flower toy.

Alice:"Listen, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now, but Lara is Dana's partner, and we really need to respect that. Dana needs her right now, I'm sorry."

Hospitals: not a good place to be a lesbian.

This is where I really lose it:
Lara: "Alice is here too."
Dana: She is? Where is she?"
(tenderly, looking over at her best friend Alice)
Lara: Right over there.
(more tenderness, more crying)
Dana: C'mere.

Back in the real world, where people fight instead of cry, Tina and Bette are arguing about how Tina wants to do ugly men right now.

Tina: I only dated men before I met you.

Bette: So what was I, some kind of eight-and-a-half year abberation?

Also, this makes me not want to be a bisexual, because this is the really confusing part. But I don't want to be a lesbian or straight, so like, I don't know, a 5 is bad, that's too much margin for error, at least I need to kick it down a notch:

Non-Lesbian Foreplay Moment
The Players: Kit and Angus just can't get enough of each other's love, but then Bettina come home and catch them, which is kinda funny.

"No sex in the bed." (Bette)

Obviously they've already done that. Hell, at least someone is getting some action in this episode...side note....Adam Rapp, please write more episodes, I love you. I love you more than you will ever know.

Sleater-Kinney is playing at The Planet, and Kit, as is her way, provides a totally bizzare introduction to their performance:

"These sisters are BAD TO THE BONE!" (-Kit, re: Sleater-Kinney)

Oh man. Whatevs. Sleater-Kinney rock a whole lot, and the song "Jumpers" works so well in this episode, but "these sisters are bad to the bone"? It's not EnVogue or something, or like George Thoroughgood and the Explorers, who wrote that song, "Bad to the Bone"? Rick Moody described Sleater-Kinney as being one of the hardest rocking, most creative, most unique bands ever, and I think that's pretty dead-on.

Non-Lesbian Sex Moment #3:
The Players: "Max" And Billie
Hot or Not?: Ughhhhhhh

Thank God Jenny busts in, because this is not entertaining on a number of levels.

Jenny: Is this the kind of relationship that you want?
Billie: Jenny, Max is--
Jenny:Shut up.
Max:It's just, he made me feel like a real guy, you know, it wasn't just like, some girl with this thing in her pants.
Jenny: Okay. It's okay. Don't hide.

The Jenny Moment is not even words, it's just this look that she gives Max. That "don't suck my girlfriend/boyfriend's strap-on penis anymore" look.

Back to the Trail of Tears....

Stop 6: Sleater-Kinney Concert:Shane is rockin' out at Sleater-Kinney, and is interrupted by a phone call. The phone call is something like "Dana's surgery didn't go so well."

Stop 7: The Hospital Bed.
Hey, hey, the gangs all here. Crying. You know, when Shane cries, it's like--she's a great crier.

Something that I like about being lesbionic is the like, community of women thing? I'd like that, if I were dying. All these ladies, being supportive, because it takes a village, y'all.

The Round Up:
Non-Lesbian Sex Moments: TWO this episode, THREE in total
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ZERO this episode, TEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, SIXTEEN in total
Lesbian Squabbles: THREE this episode, TWENTY in total
Best Quote: Carmen and Alice
(really, a runner up for "That's great, because I love birds." -Shane)
Kinsey: 3

1: Not really, obvs.
2: Daniels, as we all know, died. Shahi had a lot of bad lines that were mostly enthusiastic references to upcoming events: "Oh that's right, the B-52s are tomorrow! I love them!" or "Isn't that the same night as your opening party at Wax?", and felt her part could be better replaced by some more specific stage directions.


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