So this episode is called "Light my Fire." Personally, I like my "fire" "lit" by hot sex and compelling dialogue, but that's just me. Actually I wrote a novel in 8th grade called "Fly by Night" about this homeless pyromaniac girl. It was inspired by: The Boxcar Children, Stephen King's The Firestarter and Dicey's Song. Although my talents at that age were questionable, I would actually argue that the dialogue in said novel is (was) perhaps a little bit better than some of the dialogue in this particular episode of The L Word. Anyhow.
We open at one of those De-Gaying group meetings, the kind with the folding chairs and the dogma and all the nervous homos who usually look about as straight as Emmet Honeycutt in his Jackie-O outfit. We segue quickly to a bed (I wish I had the chance to use that transition more often in these re-caps) where Agatha (the nun from last week) is getting it on with another de-gayed girl and a dude who tells them that this is "better than hell's fire." As far as lines-to-get-girls-to-have-a-threesome go, that's just above "It's my biggest fantasy to see you with my ex-girlfriend" and below "I just think two women together is a beautiful thing."
P.S. Isn't everything better than hell's fire?
P.P.S. Jesus, being the heterosexual man I believe him to be, would probably agree that a threesome is better than hell's fire. I think.
Lesbian Sex Moment #7: Threesomes: Better Than Eternal Damnation?
The Players: Agatha, Frank, and another ex-gay.
The Pick-Up:"Jesus hates the sin between two men much more than that between two women."
Hot or Not?: I'd like a little less hell-fire in my sex, thanks.
Lesbian Squabble #9: Too poor for firewood. Must burn "Bastard out of Skokie."
In the Ring: Little Prince and Jenny.
Little Prince comes home to find Jenny throwing a draft of her novel into the fire.
Little Prince: "I hope you backed that up on your hard drive."
(I wish she hadn't said that, because actually it draws attention to the fact that she is burning a manuscript which she has printed out somewhere (maybe en route at a "typical small-town lesbian copy shop"), which is essentially meaningless--or, rather, it is only meaning--it is symbolic, but has no actual real-world repercussions. She's not like, burning her computer or something. In any event, where else would she have saved the document to begin with besides her hard drive? LP obviously means external hard drive, but even then, it's more or less irrelevant.)
Jenny: "Where the fuck were you?"
Little Prince:"I was hanging out at the beach, look I was like I was sleeping with my truck, you know, I was trying to figure out what I'm doing here in L.A."
Jenny: "What are you doing here in L.A?"
(Good question, Jennifer. We are wondering the same thing, because I.C. has failed to provide even the most minimal backstory on this particular relationship).
Little Prince: "I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anywhere, I don't know who I am anymore actually--"
Little Prince: It seems like you know who you are.
Jenny:Absolutely. I am the picture of togetherness and sanity.
You GO GIRL! Jenny, you rule so far this season. Your lines have been pretty spot-on. I kinda like--like--you. You kinda remind me, sometimes of me, but I almost like you better than I like me (not hard to do).
Lesbian Squabble #10: Bette Ain't Jumpin' Through Your Burning Hoops, Tina!
Tina is pissed (surprise!) because she has an important meeting and hasn't had time to pump her breasts or whatever to make milk for the be-bey. But Bette mostly talks to Angelica in this cute baby voice, and it's much better than their other fights.
Bette: I'm sure they'll hold the meeting for ya. You are the boss now, arentcha?
Tina: That might be how you treated your subordinates but I don't like to keep people waiting.
Bette (to Angelica): Well I never called my colleagues my subordinates.
I just wanted to say that Little Prince looks really cute here. Actually she looks pretty cute for all of this episode, because she wears the same outfit the whole time until later when she puts on this suit which makes even Alice say "She looks like a hot guy, I like it." And whatever Alice likes, I also like.
Lesbian Squabble #11: Mrs. Porter Goes to Washington
In the Ring: Paging Captain Obvious!
The woman who Bette works for is unable to attend the Senate Committee hearing on their NEA grant because she hurt her back or some bullshit. Obviously Bette is going to go, because she is a Warrior.
Tina: Can't you go in the morning?
Bette:It's a senate hearing, Tina. I don't think they'll reschedule because we promised not to do a babysitter three nights in a row. Do you even know what's going on, Tina? I mean, we have to fight to preserve government support for the arts. PBS is up for grabs, for Christ's sake.
Tina: When I'm working, I'd like to know that my daughter is at home with her mother, otherwise I can't do it, Bette.
Side Note: (A good back-up for that would be "home with PBS," which has the best children's programming on television. So really it's in the best interest of Mr. Rogers, the gang from Seasame Street, and the entire Reading Rainbow that Bette goes to Washington and crusades. Even if her specific cause is unrelated to um, PBS)
Bette:Then don't. Really don't.
Tina: Are you getting paid for this?
OMG--that's the first apology so far! Then Tina talks about how Senator Grisham is really hot and also likes to venerate the vagina. Bette says the Senator is married, so we all know what that means.
Bette: "I wish you were coming with me."
Tina: "Yeah, me too. God, that's so cool. I love that stuff."
You know what that was? That was a moment. They just had a moment.
Bette:"I'll miss you."
(awkward silence, Tina purses her lips in that annoying bitchy face that she does)
Tina "Do you realize this is the first time you've spent a night away from Angelica, ever?"
See what that was? That was Tina ruining the moment.
(Actually Not Any)Lesbian(s) (are involved in this) Foreplay Moment
The Players: Kit and Mangus.
Kit: What are you doing?
Mangus:Um, mowing the lawn? What does it look like I'm doing?
Kit says she's too old for him. A lesbian would NEVER say that to another lesbian.
TODAY'S KITTISM: "Because it's not right and you know it's not right. What do you know? you're a child. A very attractive child--but still a child."
Yeah, it's all I got.
Kit and Mangus are semi-adorable here actually. I mean, I think I kind of like Mangus. Yeah, I do. I might just be associating him really strongly with the part he played in "A Home at the End of the World", which was a gay guy. Who I loved. Because that's one of my favorite books of all time, even though the movie left something to be desired.
They are eating and he is listing all the women who dated younger men, a.k.a. women who thought "a very attractive child...hell yeah!"
Mangus:Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Joan Collins, Mary Kay Letreno, Fran Drescher--
Kit: Who is Mary Kay Letreno?
Mangus:Mary Kay Letreno, the schoolteacher who had the affair with the 13 year old student.
Kit: Oh great. She went to jail.
Mangus: Yes, but she's out now and she and uh--Villy--are married with like, three kids. So that's a happy ending and I WILL wait for you while you are in jail.
Kit: You don't know me! You don't know anything about me!
What happens here is pretty f'in awesome. Angus, who has done his research, gives us Kit's ENTIRE BACKSTORY. Now we just need Little Prince to be like "Jenny, you don't know me, you don't know anything about me" and then also for Carmen to be like "Shane, you don't know me, you don't know anything about me!" Take a stand, girls!
For you, Angus.
Lesbian Foreplay-ish Moment Eight: The Tennis Star is ON FIRE
The Players: Big Fucking Tennis Star Dana Fairbanks and her Lara
The Pick-Up: Dana won a tennis match and a big-ass car, and so then she kissed Lara on National Television, which is totally rockstarish 'cause I don't see that happening back on Planet Earth any time soon. And if it did I probably wouldn't know about it because I don't watch tennis. Maybe it has? Hm. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Hot or Not?: Cutting to Alice looking mega-depressed was mega-un-helpful. But still hot.
Alice is on the radio....and actually, I'm just gonna give her the quote of the week, because she's like, really suffering here.
"I think that's really the question we need to put to the Democrats: Why are we not talking about George Bush's penis? With all the times that the Republicans talked about Bill Clinton's penis--we knew its shape, we knew it's size...is there a bend in the Bush administration? Maybe if we knew about George W's weapon of mass destruction you know, we could figure out how to blow him out of office?"
Since I've already got this as one of my quotes of the year on my regular blog, I'll just put it here for y'all to read again. Here's Bette, full of fury and fire after the senator lights her art on fire with a lighter he keeps handy for such occasions.
"Senator, what do you think you're doing? Un-American. Not as un-American as what you just did. You oughtta be ashamed of yourself. You know what you are? You're just the latest reigning vigilante self-appointed culture watchdogs of the moment. Devoting countless hours and enviable resources to this bogus mission of stifling creative expression in the name of patriotism. And you know what it is, Senator? It's a distraction. It is a wanton distraction. Because let's just be forthright and honest about what is truly unpatriotic. Abject poverty is unpatriotic. The failure of our education system is unpatriotic. Lies told by presidents as justification for war is unpatriotic. It is unpatriotic that elected lawmakers fail to acknowledge, let alone address, real desperation."
Lesbian Foreplay Moment #9: Mrs. Senator, Are You Trying to Seduce Me?
The Players: Bette, FINALLY wearing a power-suit after wearing throw rugs for the first three episodes, and Senator Grisham, who has an arrangement with her "husband." Bette tells her that she doesn't have an arrangement with Tina, and lesbians everywhere sigh and yell at their televisions.
The Pickup: "Come to bed with me."
Hot or Not?: Hot for about a minute, and then it just gets depressing....
Lesbian Squabble #12: I Just Called to Say I Love You, Even Though You Won't Say it Back, You Stupid Twat.
Bette:I am not asking your permission. I don't know.
Tina: You better hurry because I don't think Senator Grisham's gonna wait around for you.
Bette:: So it would be fine with you if i just went back into her living room and fucked her on her forty thousand dollar carpet?
Tina: If that's what you wanna do, Bette.
Bette: That's not what I wanna do, Tina. I just want you to care. Do you?
(yeah, um, pause).
So back in the world of thwarted hottess, the Senator gives Bette a drink and says "I thought you could use a little encouragement."
Bette:"I'm sorry, I really don't need any encouragement. And you are an exquisite woman. The only thing that I want more than you right now is for my girlfriend to want me as much as you do."
Senator:"She obviously doesn't know what she's missing."
Back at the opening party for Wax, where everyone is happy that Dana won her thing and all that....
Shane and Little Prince both look super-hot in their suits. Yow!
Carmen has been DJing for Russell Simmons at one of his parties (don't ask), but then they all show up at the Wax opening. RS isn't necessarily the best actor of all time, but it's pretty phat that he's on this show. Which leads me to this....
Dude. Russel Simmons! You've got Russell Simmons on your show. In the past, the following (proverbial) rock stars have volunteered to be on this show:
Gloria Stienham, Snoop Doggy Dog, Rosanna Arquette, Tammy Lynn Michaels (married to Melissa Etheridge, who's pretty much the Queen of Lesbians), Ariana Huffington, The B-52s, Peaches, Heart, Camryn Manheim, Alan Cummings, Kelly Lynch, Jane Lynch, Guinevere Turner, Melissa Rivers, Ossie Davis, Kate Clinton, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Shawn Colvin and Sandra Bernhard.
The amazing A.M Homes has written--and by that I mean SAVED--several episodes. You have a cast featuring the hottest boyish girl of all time (Kate Moenning), the "Queen of Blaxploitation" Foxy Brown (Pam Grier), amazing actresses like Jennifer Beals and Leisha Hailey, you have the support of every lesbian, bisexual and just plain ol' Tv-lovin' person in this goddamn country...and you still devote 33% of your script to exposition, e.g. this:
Shane: Oh you made it!
Tina: Yeah! This is amazing
Shane: I'm so glad you're here!
Tina: Yeah! (hugging)
Shane: Where's the baby?
Tina: She's at home, she's with Angus.
Shane: What about Bette, where's she?
Tina: (phone rings) One sec--
Jenny: Have you seen Carmen?
Alice: I think she's at some phat-ass Russel Simmons party. Don't you think it's weird she's not here? I think it sucks.
(In both of those scenes, you can feel the pain of Leisha and Kate in delivering those lines. Because they are lesbians and they know real lesbians don't talk like that. Or human beings for that matter. I mean, fo' real.)
The Round Up:
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: TWO this episode, NINE in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, SEVEN in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, TWELVE in total
Best Quote: Alice