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I guess everyone was on their period this week because there was no fucking, just bitching.

The opening of course involves some sexual activity, but it takes place in 1984 (in Sublimity, Oregon) and therefore is exempt from the period theory, and also because it involves nuns, and nuns don't have periods, because of Jesus.

Lesbian "Sex" Moment #6: I'm Starting to Feel Like "Dedicating yourself to a life of celibacy for the church and for Jesus" is code for "gay."
The Players: Agatha and Toni
The Pick-Up: No words required--Toni spies the "Lesbian Nuns: Breaking the Silence" book that her seat-mate is hiding underneath a less conspicuous title. I can totally relate because 1: I hid "Pomosexuals" and "Real Live Nude Girl" by doing some serious spine-bending on the subway, 2: Once I picked up talked to gaped at a girl reading "Rubyfruit Jungle" on the subway.
Hot or Not?: HOT. Reminds me of: 1. Reese Witherspoon's orgasm on the roller coaster in Fear. 2. Our 6th grade trip to Washington DC on the Indian Trails Bus, if I had gotten any.

As of last week's episode, I was totally a lesbian, (Kinsey 6, y'all), and I'm confident with that decision. Then the theme song begins it's assault on my ears and the descent begins. Obviously A.M Homes did not write this episode.

Lesbian Squabble #5: The Political is Personal
In the Ring: Bette and Tina. Duh.
So, the gallery or whatever that Bette works for has lost it's NEA grant because of "fucking McCarthyism."
Tina:"Are you gonna lose your stipend? We have to let go of Angus. We couldn't afford him before you lost your funding. You're going to have to get real about your finances or we're going to be completely wiped out."
Bette: "Thank you for laying your petty bourgeois anxiety on top of my already profound anger and disappointment over losing something that means so much to me."

Jenny and Little Prince are back home. That's good. No more typical small town lesbian bars. However, this scene--the sort of like, awkward moment when you realize that your partner and your friends aren't going to see eye-to-eye...and that even though you see eye-to-eye with your partner and with your friends, it's just not enough....oh God. I have so been there. And it sucks. Little Prince just keeps tryin'...gawd, it reminds me of Tolliver. Except my friends were actually really nice to him, but I didn't even think about the socio-economic level of my friends until he brought it up...omg, this show is giving me issues....if there was a Kinsey scale for never having sex again, I'd be there. I guess this is the closest thing....

Shane looks really hot right here. I love boyish girls. I even like when Little Prince tells Carmen and Jenny "You girls relax. Us butches will take care of it," and then motions for Shane to come help her unload the car.

In the Planet we experience the very-difficult-to-wrangle.....

"First of all the NEA pulled the funding for the grant from my show this morning because we live in the most repressive political climate of the last 50 years, secondly; Tina is so freaked out about money that I'm actually thinking about taking that Citibank job which just makes me want to kill myself."

Substitute "yet undetermined funder" for "NEA" and "my hypothetical writing career" for "my show" and "that dancing job at Scores" for "Citibank" and you've got the story of my life!

Lesbian Squabble #8: George W. Bush Ruins Us All
In the Ring: I'll give you one guess. Bettttttinnaaa!!
Tina: Helena Peabody offered me a job.
Bette: Are you considering it?
Tina: I don't know yet. Somebody in this family has got to make a living.
Bette: I have made a living for the last 15 years, I don't think my ability to make a living is in question.
Tina:I'm not questioning your ability, I'm questioning your desire.
Bette: Well, I'm still not sure it's okay with me.
Tina: Well, I'm not sure it's up to you.


Ugh. And I really despise that politics, in this case, totally matters. Economically--what's at stake, all that. Yuk. I hate America.

No one fights with anyone besides their own inner demons, or fucks anyone besides their own pysche, for about 20 minutes, until the "Jenny Dinner."

Obviously we should pause for a Jenny Moment. Again, like the quote of the week, difficult to procure from this lovely little episode, but whatevs.

Alice: Was she a cutter, too?

(everyone is like, Alice, shut up, except me, because I think people should tell it like it is, and look, so does Jenny, which is obvious, I mean, she's "an obsessive excavator of her own emotional navel lint," so says Charlotte last season)

JENNY MOMENT:: "It's so good to talk about it because--you know, fuck it--it happened and it's better not to tip-toe around this stuff."

A'ight. There will be no Kittism this week, unless you want her quote about how tight Angus' ass is, and if you wanted that quote, you wouldn't be watching a lesbian soap opera.

Lesbian Squabble #9: Bitches, You're All Bitches!!
In the Ring: Little Prince vs. Everyone Else
These Girls Are Bitches:
(e.g. "I would like whatever the chef recommends. What's good tonight?"-Bette)

These Girls Are Also Bitches
(e.g. Lara: So Dana and I booked our tickets to the South of France, you guys, we're leaving on the 15th of next month!
Dana: We're going on a food and wine tour!)

Here's An Analogy for How Bitchy Girls Are:

The Lobster Speech, which I wish could count as a like, Transfered Jenny Moment.
Little Prince: I know something interesting about lobsters. You don't have to put a lid on the pot when you cook female lobsters, does anybody know why? Well, when you cook a pot of male lobsters--when they realize they're in this pot of boiling water, they all start totally freaking out, they're like 'fuck we gotta get out of here!' so they start making these little ladders and helping each other get out of the pot so you have to put a lid on the pot to keep them inside. But female lobsters, you don't have to put a lid on the pot. Because once they realize they're in a pot of boiling water they all just start grabbing each other and holding each other, they're like, "If I'm gonna die, we're all gonna die," none of them wants to let any of the other ones get out of the pot, it's a real shame, isn't it?


Side Note: Shane is really cool through the whole thing. Probably because, like Little Prince, she has some working-class roots. Holla! OK but seriously, I am confused as to how all these girls are rich, because Dana and Lara are the only ones who have jobs. I mean, the rest of them are basically like, coffee taste-testers at The Planet, aka "freelancers." As a freelancer who is presently writing this post on a computer I haven't paid for yet, I can say that I do not eat a lot of lobster.

Lesbian Squabble #10: We Ain't Got No Money, Woman! Put that AWAY!
In the Ring: Beeehhteee and Tiiieeeeenaaaaahhh
This fight is cool because they have the whole fight just through rolling their eyes. Basically Bette wants to pay, but then her card is declined. I feel bad for the server, that's so awkward.

Alice gets Dana all alone in the bathroom, but I really don't understand why she wants Dana in this context. I mean, seriously, look:

You know, for me, when the person I am trying to not like anymore is wearing something horrid, it's a lot easier for me to not want them anymore. Which is how Alice should feel in this scene.

That's all folks. Yeah. I have blue balls too, but also, try to think about having blue balls without also thinking about Little Prince squeaking out: "Aw Jenny, don't blue ball me!"
The Round Up
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: ZERO this episode, SEVEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: ONE this episode, SIX in total
Lesbian Squabbles: FOUR this episode, EIGHT in total
Best Quote:Bette
Kinsey: 2


  1. team gingerbread said...

    The complete unraveling of Alice this season has totally endeared her to me  

  2. marie lyn bernard said...

    I think she is tapping into the secret desires of many women; that is to agonize, obsess, and tear ourselves to pieces over a breakup. I sort of admire her unabashed honesty in this respect.  

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