Every January brings: slush, hibernation, manic depression, promiscuity, 500 extra fucktards at the gym w/pint-sized ziploc bags of makeup and five hair-burning implements that take up the entire locker room even though their "workout" consisted of ten minutes on the treadmill at 5.8, good department store sales, a slow month at the Macaroni Grill and my favorite holiday, L WORD PREMIERE DAY.
The fourth season of The L Word premieres on January 7th, 2007. So I'm gonna be doing L Word recapviews (yeah, I just made that word up. This is a "blog," BLOG, so you know, simmer on that particular word).
But First; KC and Elka of the "Planet Cast" do such an amazing weekly L Word round-up recap podcast that I can't even begin to compete (AfterEllen has it's own fantastic recap as well) so I'm gonna do something a little different with mine. Oh also--I have learned a lot about making fun of television from the Americas Next Top Model recapper, four-four. So I must also thank him. Also I'd like to thank God and my mother.
So, because I know I will never be KC and Elka, or FourFour, or ScribeGirl or whatever,
I'm just going to post all the photos of breasts and tell you how good their breasts are. I'm going to track my bisexuality over the course of the program:
Yes, I know this will be hard to swallow for the 6-7 survey-takers who complained about like, not having enough space on my survey for intersex people or something, but whatevs, Deal, as my favorite lesbian ever once said "You have to laugh at yourself, 'cause you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't." Gay men and Margaret Cho figured that out a long time ago.
Also I will track:
Lesbian Squabble Count
To warm up, and to make sure those of you that missed the train wreck of Season Three are on board for Season Four, which hopefully is the best season ever, besides Season One, I'm gonna start NOW re-living (that sounds better than re-capviewing?) Season Three. I just got it in the mail. If you are cool, you did too.
Here we go:
THE L WORD: SEASON THREE, EPISODE ONE. LABIA MAJORA
Not Good for Lesbians: Opens with women looking at their vaginas in mirrors. This is more or less a metaphor for the entire season. They literally pass granola around. Like, in a bowl (I don't get this choice of snack, I mean, granola is not that easy to eat without milk, that's why it's called "cereal"). Hopefully none of that granola got misplaced, because we could be talking serious yeast infections here, and I mean TALKING because that's what this show is all about: TALKING about vaginas.
This is one of those feminist groups that we read about in Women's Studies that figured out how to have orgasms with mirrors. Did you hear that? That's the sound of any heterosexual man you conned into watching this show with you leaving the room. Yup. That's the door slamming. That's your copy of "Our Bodies Ourselves" being tossed into the room and hitting you in the head.
This sharing event leads into the very first Lesbian Foreplay Moment of Season One.
1. Lesbian Foreplay #1: The Feminine Mystique
The players: Teri and Marilyn
Pickup line: "Did you know that you could be sexually fulfilled?" (Teri)
Hot or Not?: Desperate housewives are pretty f'in hot, in that like, AM Homes kind of way (I think she may have written some of this episode, which is why this episode, unlike some other episodes, doesn't suck)...the concept of like, violating someone's innocence is always hot but unfortunately unsettling, but doing it to housewives is the happy little medium where we can all get off. That's pretty much Showtime's Mojo: The Happy Little Medium Where We Can All Get Off. I mean, she's wearing a lavender CARDIGAN. Waspy McWasperson. Poor Chet. What a sucker.
2. Lesbian Foreplay #2: Wake and Shake
The players: Lara and Dana
Pickup Line: "With your metabolism and the workout I'm about to give you, you can indulge in my little breakfast soufflé" (Lara)
Hot or Not? Like a JCrew catalog, but with lesbians and people talking about metabolism before having sex. In the next scene, she pretty much looked the same, body-wise, so I guess Lara was right about that souffle. And by soufflé I mean vagina.
Typically, I would up the Kinsey meter towards Lesbo-Heaven here. But unfortunately, because Dana has broken Alice's heart, and because I love Alice, I cannot enjoy this scene without being overcome by the sharp pins and arrows of Dyke Drama.
1. Lesbian Squabble #1: Tina invites a Het-Man to Angelica's birthday, which is a problem because Angelica is a baby and there's that Mozart effect thing, except Mozart wouldn't be invited, actually, so like, come on, how old is that baby? Like, half a year? I want a half a year party, bitches! March 23rd, y'all!
Bette: Why'd you invite him?
Tina: What, he's sweet, I like him.
Bette: Yeah, he's just so—straight.
Tina: Since when did you have a problem with straight people?
Bette: I don't have a problem with straight people. It's just that he's so—you know--suburban.
Tina: I grew up in the suburbs. The suburbs aren't that terrible. Why does everybody have to be such a hipster?
Yeah, Tina, we saw your little ass in the suburbs.
Side Note One: I hate it when this happens in a relationship. When like, everything the other person says just makes you want to kill them, and you start fights over nothing? That sucks.
Side Note Two: Is Bette a hipster?
2. Lesbian Squabble #2: Guess Who's in Therapy? Yup.
There's a problem, and the problem is that Bette n' Tina are once again suffering from Lesbian Bed Death. They need to accept this and get Hitachi Magic Wands, or else have a real catastrophic fight (squabbles don't count), because they had really hot sex in Season One when Tina found out that Bette was cheating. Hmm....speaking of hot, you know what's not hot? When their therapist tells them to bring fun into the bedroom. This is how she illustrates that concept:
I know they keep talking about how Bettina are unemployed, but my insurance doesn't cover this kind of stuff. My therapist doesn't have dildos or a clown nose. She has a watercolor of a beach-house.
Hey, you know what makes me not want to have sex ever again? This sweater:
"If all else fails, try a little humor!" -Crazy Therapist
3. Lesbian Squabble #3: Bette-and-fucking-Tina! Oh wait, Bette's not fucking Tina. Oh God. Oh Yeah..."Labia Majora"...ew.
Tina is apparently uncomfortable with Dr.Crazy's usage of the word "clit." (Are you keeping track here? Third squabble, no sex, and the third conversation ABOUT vaginas instead of people USING their vaginas.)
"Tina has a problem with the word clit, which I find troubling, and she's also not too fond of the word cunt."
Haviland won't even say that word ("cunt") out loud, and I say it all the time, but her and I are still great friends. See? Friends. And we're not in therapy. At least not together. I kinda like Tina's look this episode though. Hmm...
Anyhow. BETTINA! Get with it. See this? Cunt shmunt! That ain't sexy talk. Where's the clown nose? Where's the 9-inch pink rubber dildo? Didn't the doctor give you souvenirs?
Unfortunately, as the cast is discussing various terms for vaginas in a desperate attempt to create buzz on the message boards and Alice is embarassing herself and it hurts, we see Shane's new George-Brady Hairdo, and that hurts me more than any single Clit will ever Offend Tina.
Um, yup. I'm glad Tina invited that dude to the party.
Can I just add that in good times, in bad times, and forever-more: Alice is hilarious. When she is talking about her pills that she's on and is like "Side effects include...um...Tourettes." Ha! Love. Alice. LoveAlice.
Speaking of love, for a moment I'd like to Love Bette, in all her Bettaliciousness.
Social Worker Nazi: You haven't exactly baby proofed, have you?
Bette: Well, I don't believe in baby-proofing, per se, I mean—for one thing, its ugly, and I really want Angelica to develop an intrinsic sense of beauty--
Social Worker Nazi: Well, I can tell that's important to you Bette. Presumably that's why I don't see an ambundance of brightly colored stimulating toys strewn about the home.
Bette: (scoffing): Yeah, exactly.
Then we go to
Anatevka, Russia, Peoria, Illinois, to check in with Jenni, who has been there re-cooping from her problems at the carnival. Golda Mrs. Schecter wants Jenni to date a guy from 'Shul' but Jenni doesn't want to cause she's a--in the words of Gary, Jenni's date from the Season Two Premiere: "You're a girl-loving, full-on lesbian." Got that? Matchmaker make me a MATCH and by that I mean....
I LOVE ALICE. After fucking up the Social Worker's car, the Social Worker Nazi says she hopes that Alice has no involvement in Angelica's life. Little does she know Alice is the best thing that ever happened to:
2. Ilene Chaiken,
4. Angelica, probably, because Bettina are C-to the RAZY, and they get worse as the season goes on.
Nazi: Let's just hope she doesn't have a lot of contact with the child.
Alice: "Uh, I happen to be the earth mother, I would be the God mother but I don't believe in God."
Nazi:"Of course you don't."
Har. Oh, Alice. This is a nice little earth mother lesbian moment.
Shane's hair looks a lot better when they go to the Casa De La Pica Morales, thank God. Also I have that shirt:
Carmen's Mom: She's so skinny! Don't you feed her?
Carmen: No Mother, she feeds herself.
Love it! Because that happens to me a lot. Take notes, future boyfriends. Or...well...maybe...future girlfriends! Yup...the scale is tipping because, YES! ONLY 42 minutes into the goddamn episode....
Carmen's Mother wants Shane to try on this poofy Jenni-doilie type thing for the upcoming Quincinera. Again, I am feeling deep kinship with Shane....
Bow..bow...BOWWWWW (cue porn music)
1. Lesbian "Sex" Moment #1: Undressing for Cross-Dressing
The Players: Shane and Carmen
Pick up line: "Please you have to put it on—oh, babe—"
Hot or Not?: Lets do the math.
Carmen (hot) + Shane (hot) + Breasts (hot) +
+ flash-back to Marie's childhood when people would try to put frilly things on her stupid bony body....
These are fo'sho my people.
Since we're on a bit of a roll here, let's go back to Peoria, where Jenni the Sin is sittin' at the Dirty Dyke Bar, wearing her Paperboy hat and waiting for her lady.
P.S. I think this is the 'Midwestern Bar' where they shot that scene in "If These Walls Could Talk 2," in which Chloe Sevingy was HOT, and also a little FTM, like Little Prince.
Little Prince asks Jennifer how her "book" is going. Har. I think I just saw it actually, in the store?
When they start dancing at Dirty Dyke Bar and planning their escape from the Midwest to the Wild Wild West, Jenni, realizing she's been having some sort of relationship with this woman she is about to run away with (I mean, she does know about the book, so obviously they've spoken before. But who are we kidding, it's Jenni. I'm sure her Barista knows about the book), asks Little Prince what she does for a living, and she answers: "Website design and programming and network administration, wireless networking..blabalala."
I just feel like, maybe they coulda called in an expert on that one? Instead of being like "um, insert internet jargon here, like The Google, whatever the kids are doing." She should have said "You know the My-Space?"
I mean, wireless networking? Is Little Prince like, the Verizon guy that you call in to come to your office when the computer thing says "Trouble Connecting to Wireless Network 58467919" and all your bars are up anyhow?
Oh hey, check it:
2. Lesbian "Sex" Moment #2: Cigarette? Television? Glass of Water? Breast Exam?!!!
The Players: Lara and Dana
Pickup Line: Unknown. Probably, "Hey, wanna burn off that Double Mocha Latte?" or something.
Hot or Not? I guess when you first see them being naked and pretty it's hot, but then she discovers a lump in Dana's breast, and that actually turns out to be cancer and then she dies. (Not yet, but later and you already knew this, don't front) Which is actually not hot. But whatever, it's still hot a little, I mean, there are breasts and they are bare. Which is something.
Back in Peoria....
Jenni: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?
Little Prince: Yeah, if that will make you stop talking about yourself.
(Just kidding, I made up that last part, Little Prince didn't say that, but Jenni sure did, and it sure did work too cuz look...)
3. Lesbian "Sex" Moment #3: Soapbox Sex
The Players: Moira and Jennifer
The Pick Up Line: I guess it was that 'Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?' thing. (I sure was, she looks much better with her hair grown out)
Hot or Not?: Um...they are actually fucking. I know it's cool to hate on Little Prince, and her voice is a bit um..squeaky...but this ain't so bad. Jesus, she has 4-H ribbons on her mirror! Then they get totally busted in on by Mom and Warren.
When she says: "What's the matter, Warren, am I too perverted for you?"
I thought...God...where have I heard that before?
"Warren, where do you get this hostility from?"
-Lucas, Empire Records
ROCK ON! DAMN THE MAN! SAVE THE EMPIRE!
Oh right, re: daming the man:
"Because I'm not gonna marry that nice Jewish boy. I'm not gonna have those nice Jewish kids. I'm not gonna shut up and be subservient. I'm not gonna set the dinner table and pretend that bad things don't happen. Because when you don't talk about them, they get worse, Warren."
-Thus Spoke Jenni Shecter
When I saw this at the premiere party, all the girls starting hooting and cheering, and so I was like, YEAH, you GO GIRL! And I must admit I still kinda feel this way, especially since I also don't want to set the dinner table, and I never did, because it's boring and because bad things happen.
The episode ends with the girls discussing various words for vagina. I wish that was a joke, but it's not.
box of assorted crèmes
pink velvet sausage wallet
Ooo....look at how Carmen is eating that pineapple....
It's almost like she's eating my...Oh God...she just said "put some beef in your taco."
Oh, Please stop, ladies. Please stop.
Yup. I'm straight. Where's Tim? What happened to Mark the filmmaker? He was a cutie. Did he drive off a cliff with Marina? I like Tim, even though he was a total bitch in The O.C, I still think of him as the hearthrob in Welcome to the Dollhouse. Mmmmm....
Hey, quick question: How do I get Helena's abs? Why isn't she having foreplay?
One of the other things I love about Alice is that she is really good at making collages.
So where does this leave us?