In addition to the Kinsey Scale, the Foreplay/"Sex" count and the Lesbian Squabble Count, I will be adding two more features to the recap-view: Weekly Kit-ism and The Weekly Jenny Moment. Oh, and just to clarify--I think I will be defining foreplay as sex that is started but probably not continued and "sex moments" as sex that either starts+continues+ends on-screen or that gives a very strong impression that it will continue+end after the scene itself is over. Because since this is TV, there won't be a lot of like, "fully realized" sexual encounters. Basically I'm just gonna like, decide what is and what isn't, k?
Let's get down to it, shall we?
I like how they start things off with sexy-time this season. Much like a relationship itself, the initial moments stir all kinds of emotions, e.g.
false hope, giddy optimism, that special wet feeling. (p.s., I had a BF who said "sexy-time" far before Borat did. So don't try to say it in a Borat-Accent when you read this post out loud to your Grandchildren).
So today's ambiguous opening takes place in 1979, where Hot-to-Trot-Teri is walking down your standard foggy city street/alleyway, lined with men dressed like Richard Simmons who are apparently offering homosexual sex for money. They tell Teri they don't have what she's lookin' for but she says she's looking for a lady and they tell her where to go and she finds herself a lady.
4. Lesbian Sex Moment #4: One of Those CRAZY Nun Prostitute Girls!
The Players: Teri and Toni
The Pick-Up: "Fuck me so I forget who I am."
Hot or Not: HOT. When Toni's cross comes down and she goes "Oh Jesus"? Also she's wearing like, plaits. Again, obviously Terri has a taste for inhibited and vulnerable women in clothing from the American Girl Collection.
But really folks...this is a good one. I like the panting. Always a fan of self-destructive deviant behavior....last week, we ended at a Kinsey-2. But now we're movin' on up.
AM=best non-lesbian lesbian writer EVER
My heart quickens when I see that A.M Homes wrote this episode. Which is why this episode doesn't suck. In fact, she is personally responsible for the low-suckage and intellectual value of the first few episodes of this season. You'll see what happens when she leaves.
Did you know she worked with Rose Troche (another L Word producer) on the film version of "Safety of Objects"? If there was a lesbian trivial pursuit, I'd kick ass in the pink category. Pink is always "Entertainment" for those of you who aren't familiar with Trivial Pursuit, it's not some veiled homosexual reference.
Go Ask Alice How Cute She Is!
Isn't Alice cute at her Love Addicts meeting at the Gay and Lesbian Center? See, this is like, why AM Homes should write all the episodes, because she is a good writer. Look at her Diet Coke mountain!
"I'm such a gross bisexual love addict right now."
-Alice, after burping in front of Helena and the woman Helena has hired to clean Alice's apartment.
More on that Alice-Helena Friendship Thing
Alice: What the fuck, Helena?
Helena: Have you completely lost your mind? (gestures towards the Dana shrine and the Dana cardboard cut-out)
Alice: Uh--oh, that, that's no biggie.
Helena: It's a fucking shrine, Alice, a bordering on psychotic serial killer obsessive type shrine!
Which brings us to the quote of the week....
"I didn't have a chance to wash everything, so..."
-Alice, dumping all the sex toys onto the table where Lara and Dana are pouring over some PowerPoint presentation or whatever a tennis player and a chef could possibly be doing with a laptop in The Planet?
Moving on to less sexy things....
5. Lesbian Sex Moment #5: Road Head
The Players: Jenny and Little Prince
The Pick-up: "You are so beautiful. And I wanna make you cum." (Jenny)
Hot or Not?: OK, so giving a dude a blow job while he drives is hot, and also challenging, especially when you get that accidental deepthroat every time he goes over a speedbump. But how do you do it to a girl? It just seems like, with jaw placement, tongue action, from the side...I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty new at this, but just the thought of it kinda makes my neck hurt.
Riese, What is a Jenny Moment?
Well, in Epsiode One the Jenny Moment would have been the speech to Warren about how she was never going to marry a Jewish boy and that she didn't want to shut up and be subservient and stuff.
The SEMINAL Jenny moment is the speech she gave to Mark about how it feels to be a woman, which inspired my dear Krista to clap and say "I like her. I like Jenny!" and we almost forgave her for all of the carnival stuff.
We all have Jenny moments sometimes.
This week's Jenny moment follows Jenny shocking a bully with a taser gun at a rest stop after he tries to beat up Little Prince. He totally has Little Prince in a headlock and he's all like "you faggot!" and all this bad stuff. So then Jenny comes out in her cute little trenchcoat, aims the taser...
..and then, after totally stunning them, she turns around and is all like:
"We're not faggots, we're dykes, you asshole."
The Alan Cummings Party
Oh, check this out: sometimes I have moments where the specific cultural reference I am supposed to get rushes at me in the face like a kitten in a tornado. I love Alan Cummings, I forgive him for that ill-conceived perfume concept, I heart "Anniversary Party" in all it's Jennifer-Beals-Jennifer-Jason-Leigh fantasticosity, and he played the Emcee in "Cabaret," my favorite musical, in which he wore a very similar outfit to the one he sports in the Las Vegas Night thing at The Planet (they had one of those in The O.C, too, and it didn't work out so well for Luke and Marissa).
He also says a lot of stuff about vaginas like "you're here to VENERATE the vagina! PRAISE the pussy!" which he could not get away with in any other outfit on earth.
A'ight, back to
Thelma and Louis, the badass outlaw crew, who are having....
4. Lesbian Squabble #4: Step Off my Man/Woman!
Jenny knows how to fight. Check this bitch out. First, she sees her little princess dancing with this hot babe that she could never get in real life, let alone at a "typical small town lesbian bar" (that's what Little Prince tells Jenny we are going to because otherwise we'd think we'd just walked onto the set of Bar Girls, which I guess was about a small town lesbian bar. I don't know. I couldn't sit through it. It was boring. Like me, right now!)
Okay so Jenny is like, watching them dance, and she's jealous (as she should be, because Katrina is dressed like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and Jenny is dressed like a Peasant Girl from my 1st grade play, Stone Soup):
Then she's all like:
Jenny: Hey uh--can we go?
LP: What, now?
Jenny: Yeah if uh--what's your name?
Jenny: If Katrina--you don't mind--
Girl: I'm sorry I didn't know you two were together--
Jenny's like "we are," just as Little Prince is like "we aren't":
And then she just shrugs and takes LP with her.
What is a Kittism?
It's when Kit is like Yoda-meets-Stuart-Smalley-meets-Oprah.
"It gives me great joy to see these people in here partying and laughing and living the life they love and loving the life they live and I can see that you just can't get down with that, can ya?"
-The Gospel of Kit
Right. Back to the Roadsters. As you can see, Sharmen and the Roadsters kinda dominate this episode when it comes to fucking and fighting. Dana is really busy avoiding the doctor.
3. Lesbian Foreplay Moment #3: Who's the Boss? What's my Line?
The Players: Jenny and Little Prince
The Pick-Up: "Tell me you want me to fuck you, you never let me fuck you."
Hot or Not?: Well, that's it. I mean, she doesn't let her fuck her. Or whatever. It looks like they might keep going, and they're pretty happy later, and also they are in a hotel, I dunno, but anyway, so um, Not.
Now, back to my favorite couple Sharmen.
The Last Time I Wore a Dress
This part really spoke to me. It reminded me of my entire life, even moments so recent so as to have occured within the last year or so. I mean, my Mom would see this and think of me, if she was a good lesbian and watched this show, which she doesn't. Anyhow.
Carmen: What are we gonna do about the shoes?
Shane: What? No!
Carmen: You can't wear those shoes.
I had that exact same conversation with Ryan Clayburn in 1998 about me wearing my blue converse sneakers with a skirt to church!!
Carmen gets a little hot, like she always does when she's trying to make Shane wear gigantic petticoats.
4. Lesbian Foreplay Moment #4: Pinata, Quincinera, Hottita
The Players: Sharmen
The Pick Up: "I'm gonna lick you until you come in my mouth a thousand times." Yeah..uh...that'll do it.
Hot or Not?: Look, it's them. Plus I'm feeling such deep identification with Shane, as I was always the girl wearing sneakers with the dress. I still am that girl, sometimes. HOT.
At La Casa Bettina, the folks are enjoying juice boxes and folk music from Angus, who admits that three of his ex-girlfriends are now lesbians which means he fits right in. "What can I say? I'm attracted to women that like to go down on other women!" Unfortunately, he's not even cute enough for me to show you a photo of him. But ALICE IS!!!
"Who do you have to fuck to get a beer around here?"
At Angelica's half-birthday party, which Alice thinks is her party but then realizes isn't her party so then Helena tells Bettina and they do damage control and well.....I think it's pretty clear that she's totally cut out for Earth Motherhood.
Back to wherever it is that Dana and Lara are living now...
So far no one has figured out how to make Lara-Dana scenes interesting. I mean, they are really pretty and stuff. They look nice naked in the bathtub.
5. Lesbian Foreplayish Moment #5: Look, I think it's actually post-play, but there are nipples involved, so...
The Players: Lara and Dana
The Pick-Up: Um...probably, "hey you're pretty like me."
Hot or Not?: I dunno, the whole "go to the doctor and find out about your breast cancer and then die" thing is kind of a bummer, but they are pretty, right? I also like that Lara is tall, like me. Some nice limb-wrapping going on here.
Back to Badass Outlaw Road Crew...
OMG, I want to be that happy, like NOW
I'm so smitten with Jenny and Little Prince when they go to the Next Typical Small Town Lesbian Bar on "Bear Night" and they start dancing and have all this fun that I'm pretty sure by the end of it, when I am totally into all of them, that I am a lesbian.
This is one of the best parts of the season, the next two minutes. I'd recommend re-watching it over and over instead of watching Episodes 6-14.
6. Lesbian Foreplay Moment #6: Seriously, who the fuck would ever answer the phone in this kind of situation?!! Are you kidding?!
The Players: Sharmen
The Pick-Up: "Every single person in my family absolutely adores you" says Carmen.
"I love them too," says Shane.
"You do?" says Carmen.
"But I wonder how much they'd love me if I knew I was fucking their daughter," says Shane.
"I wonder who's gonna be doing the fucking tonight because you looked awfully girly in that dress you had on," says Carmen.
"Well ahh--you look a little girly yourself," says Shane.
Hot or Not?: I Dreamed a Dream.....
CRANK UP THE D'ANGELO BABY!
Hottest Outfits of the Season
It ends because the phone starts to ring and Carmen is temporarily overcome by like, the spirit of a complete maniac, and she actually stops making out with Shane, who, in case you forgot, looks like this:
to get the phone. It's Jenny, saying she is coming home. What a treat-a-leat.
Then we go to something that I guess is also Lesbian Foreplay, though I mean, well, okay, whatever, labels shmambels.
7. Lesbian Foreplayish Moment #7: The one with the Bisexual Woman and the Um, Internet Cyber-Dude. Who Could be, Really, Anything.
The Players: Tina-as-Lindsay (her cyber alter ego) and DaddyOf2
The Pick-Up: "You want me to fuck you." (not so different from Jenny, eh?)
Hot or Not?: Yeah, like, in 1992. Besides, I'm a lesbian, I don't need no DaddyOf2.
The Round Up
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: FOUR this episode, SEVEN in total
Lesbian Sex Moments: TWO this episode, FIVE in total
Lesbian Squabbles: ONE this episode, FOUR in total