Episode 608: The Last Word is at our new URL! Change your bookmarks, update your Google Reader, etc etc.!
Hey! Come join us at the New Autostraddle. No judging -- 'cause it's still being put together and right now is totally insane and mostly just L Word stuff [obvs that'll change Big Time Really Soon]. But! Right now if you go there you can read our kick-ass list of the Top 15 Best L Word Sex Scenes of all time -- it's too hot, basically. Too hot.
Be sure to follow @thusspokejenny and friends on twitter tonight by keyword lcast Check out also @betteporter, @mama_ti, @itsjustshane, @helena_uk, @call_me_max are gonna have a lot of feelings!
Also follow the Autostraddle crew: @autowin, @a_ex, @carlytron, @Misshaviland, @aleximelvin and @robinshoots.
A post-show Autostraddle podcast will go up tonight and the recap shortly thereafter, we hope.
So come check it out! Once we get the finishing touches up, we'll start messing with re-directs and permalinks and all that. For now, just relish in our amateurism.
Dear Autostraddle Readers,
As you know, this Sunday night The L Word will be so Over it'll need a new word for Over. Though Season Six has done its best to ensure we don't miss a thing, we can't deny that -- quality aside -- this show has changed our lives and our world, and I want you to know that unlike Mark, Adele and Gomey; Autostraddle is not headed for the vortex -- but I'll get to that in a minute. First, a few things:
Reader: thank you. I feel blessed & grateful to be a part of your life, wherever you are -- from my nearest & dearest friends who began as readers like Carly & Alex to the supportive commenters to posters of sexy Sarah Shahi photographs to all the assholes who I told to Suck It. Thank you for reading, for commenting, and for buying the t-shirt. I can safely say that if it wasn't for you, there's no way I'd still be watching this poofy-sleeved trainwreck of a show. But ... I am, and thanks to you, we have fun with it.
"[Fans] wonder which of the actresses might really be gay. I'd just as soon they all were straight. That the megawatt Jennifer Beals, Straight Girl, would play the power dyke role of Bette changes my worldview, if not my world. She's not worried if I turn up at her table in the school cafeteria. She's not afraid to stand next to me in the bookstore. Enjoy me? My God, Jennifer Beals will be me, with the whole world watching, and make it look sweaty, wet, and good ...
This is hard for me to admit, but [The L Word] has made me feel hot in a way I haven't been too familiar with ... After all this time, now you tell me I'm not repulsive? Sounds silly, I know, but when you've spent way too much of your sexual experience accepting that you're a pariah and then a soap opera gives you a plot transplant, it counts, as Marina would say. "
[L is for "Look out World," by Laura Conaway, The Village Voice, 2005]
We still have so far to go -- light years to go. Firstly, the show sucks now. Secondly, gays still lack equal rights in America, face violent homophobia, and, when TLW ends, we'll be hard-pressed to find a strong lesbian/bisexual character on the tube [we're already hard-pressed to find a strong FTM on the tube, obvs, TLW doesn't count]. I don't like teevee inherently [I basically watch it to analyze it & talk about it] so this matters to me more theoretically than logistically, but I know for many of you this no-gays-on-tv-thing is gonna be a Gigantic Suck.
Although by popular demand we'll eventually be recapping the first two seasons on The New Autostraddle 1.0, the site isn't intended to be related to The L Word but rather just to all the smart, fun, independent and cutting-edge stuff queer girls are doing all over the world. We have big plans and though the first few weeks/months will probs be rockier than OurChart, we hope to be doing okay within a few months and hopefully y'all can be a good part of that. You'll get to relish in the glory of our broken links and paltry content in just a few days at www.autostraddle.com, which is excitant for everyone.
So. I'll ask again when I post the last recap -- if you've enjoyed reading Autostraddle for the past three years then please consider donating to the New Autostraddle Fund. Some of you have donated over the last few years, and often it's your generosity that has helped to enable me to spend 30+ a week recapping [completely unpaid]. Pay me, bitches!
The recession is clearly a bad time to launch anything. Most of us, including me, have seen our income and employment dwindle from decent to slim to zero, and our original plans for Autostraddle fundraising have crashed & burned with the stock market. And we wouldn't even be where we are if A;ex (designer) and Tess (programmer) hadn't been working their asses off for free all this time to make AS 1.0 happen.
So I'm hoping that if each of you give a few bucks -- even $2 -- I can focus on building new Autostraddle without getting evicted. Think of it as Arts Patronage 2.0. There'll be plenty of opps to help out or participate heavily (more on that this sunday) besides giving money obvs, but just throwin' it out there.
Everything you give will be put into covering AS's expenses and making it better.
Also I need like 40 unpaid interns, an independently wealthy PR/Marketing guru and a little monkey who can sing dirges in my ear while I work. Also Tinkerbell needs a vodka-tonic and the opposite of liposuction.
If you're the old-fashioned type, you can mail a donation to:
Riese c/o Autostraddle
52 Tiemann Place, No #3
New York, NY 10027
So, I'll have more information for you as the weekend goes on. There's also a form at the end of the PayPal donation where you can let me know how you'd like to be recognized (if at all) for your generosity.
'Til then -- thank you. For laughing with me and being part of the conversation over the past six years and I can't wait 'til Sunday when we can all scream"REALLY PAPI, REALLY?" together, all over the world and then all poke our eyes out with giant dildos.
Oh! I don't think this counts as a spoiler, but FYI, Sunday's finale = no theme song. HOLLER! When was the last time that happened? When Dana died. As I've said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Durrrrrr.
Don't forget to follow the l word characters on twitter -- alice, bette, tina, jenny, nikki, max, shane and helena. There are other L Word characters out there too -- Jodi, Dylan, Carmen -- but I don't write those and I don't know who does but those are awesome too and you should check them out. Just so you know, I'm not always talking to myself, I'm not that crazy. Yeah I am.
So Much Friend Love.
Riese and the Autostraddle Gang
When in doubt, dance. Dance, I say! Dance! Dance all over the stage, change your clothes, tear up the floor, waltz and tango and skip and mambo your smokin' hot bod down to the village square, hook up with the Pied Piper of WeHo and dance your way out of regularly scheduled programming into the idea well of death. Welcome to the recap of Episode 607 of "The L Word," entitled "Last Couple Standing."
1. Get naked, have sex.
2. Put on costumes, start dancing.
3. Push it ... push it good.
This recap would not even be possible were it not for the amazing assistance of Intern Vashti, who did all the screencaps for me (I didn't get the disc in time), and I think you'll agree that these are probably the best screencaps I've ever had. She did well with my detailed list of what shots I wanted, for example:
- Any shots of Kit's amazing outfit that show the full amazingness of itI also must re-thank the ladies at Tibette.com, who hooked me up with a first cut of the ep, enabling me to get a head start on the recap before it aired 'cause I didn't get the 607 DVD from Showtime 'til today. And I also must thank Jeeeesus and Green, who per my request made me the most amazing animated gif of all time [above]. Shoop.
- As many shots you can get of Push It as long as there's a good one of Tasha's butt and of their butts in the air, solid gold
- Dylena with that tramp in the background w/belly hanging out talking bla bla
- Shot of the bus 'cause apparently we're supposed to look at the bus for 10 minutes
If any of you reading this are seeking temporary "internship" opportunities this week/weekend and you live in the NYC metro area, I'm panicking slightly that next week's recap will also take forever and therefore I need someone to come over and make screencaps with my DVD on their computer while I do work on my computer. I will pay you in: blow jobs, pickles, buttons baby, and the golden opportunity to see 608 before all the other kids do. Comment. This is limited only to people who can physically be here. If you turn out to be psycho, I will give you rabies and throw you in the Hudson River.
Today's viewing party: Robin, Carly, Riese, A;ex, Esmerelda Fitzmonster (with occasional appearances by Natalie).
I thought Jenny was gonna die in Episode 607. When I first saw her hair & makeup I thought: "A-HA! That is Ghost Jenny if I ever saw her..." (wtf hair&makeup?)
Ghost Dana is clearly on her way, and everyone will dance! Like this:
Unfortunately that's not the case. That's fine, now I've got seven more days to exist within my personal fantasy world where Jenny doesn't actually die but rather wakes up and declares "it was all just a dream!" Jenny is immortal, as I've said.
You Wanna See My Spirit Stick or What?
Hello and welcome to the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center Children, Youth & Family Services 2009 "Dancing Through the Decades" Dance Marathon, sponsored by OurChart. Aw. I bet that was a fun do-over in the editing room. Alice warns Bette that she's going down like Charlie Brown tonight 'cause The Three Dykeateers are gonna three-peat this whole enchilada -- best dance, last couple standing, money raised. Bette won't say a word about what she and Tina have up their designer sleeves. As this scene happened I started remembering how Bette left Alice for Tina. And then Dana left Alice for Lara and now. Sigh.
Bette and Alice are cutely overly competitive. I think it's awesome that TLW is giving some extra visibility to the L.A. GLC, hopefully this'll encourage a lot of lesbos to give those people all their money. Any way you roll the dice or feel about this episode or this show, that's really cool, eternal A+ for social responsibility.
Who's gonna kill Jenny this episode? Talice & Jamie's dance routine!
Alice: "Our Dance Routine kills! KILLS!"
I Know There's Like a Billion Flowers on My Shirt! It's Like the Garden of Eden!
Hey-o! What happened to THIS Jenny?
Episode 203 - Loneliest Number
Bette: "How were you when your life fell apart?"
Jenny: "A mess."
Bette:"That's it. That's me."
Jenny: "You know what? It does get better."
Bette: "You know, I keep...replaying it, over and over again in my head. Just trying to figure out...the exact moment when I could've stopped myself."
Jenny: "No, no, no you can't do that. Because we all make mistakes."
Bette:"But not like me. Not like this."
[Bette looks at Jenny, Jenny smiles.]
Bette: "I don't even know why you're talking to me about this. I mean, it wasn't like I was very nice to you when you went through all of this with Tim."
Jenny: "I don't know. I guess....I know how that feels."
A'ight, let's go see Ret-Conned Jenny. Shall we begin?
Lesbian Squabble #25: I Listen In & I Draw My Own Conclusions & Take Photos of Them & I'm Guilty Of This, You Should Know This
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette
Content: Jenny wants to know if Bette told Tina about what happened while Tina was in the big apple. You know, how Bette really liked Kelly's peaches, therefore wanted to shake her tree. Bette rogers that and reports no, she did not tell Tina about having sex with Kelly because she did not have sex with Kelly.
Jenny: "It's not funny, I saw you through the window! You weren't even trying to hide it, Bette!"
[I'd argue that things one does in the privacy of one's home count as "hidden."]
Bette: "I don't know what you think you saw, but I can tell you however it appeared, nothing happened."
Jenny: "Then what did I see Bette?"
Bette: "I don't know, you tell me. What did you see, Jenny?"
Jenny: [patronizing] "I know this is hard, and I know that you're trying to be better --"
Bette: "Look. NOTHING HAPPENED. Kelly came over, she was drunk, she spilled her drink, I cleaned it up. That's the end of the story let it go."
Jenny: "Tina's my friend. You know how it works, people find out about these things."
Who Wins? Jenny.
I feel really bad for Bette, and being punished for something you didn't do -- especially when it's something people might expect you to do but you don't do anymore -- blows harder than Ted Haggard in a truck stop bathroom. Sidenote ; if I'd been freeze-dried since 1985 without sexual activity and Kelly tried to stick her hand down my pants -- Hell to the N-O. I'd rather make out with a REPUBLICAN. Because Republicans can be sexy. Actually. Kelly's probs a Republican, she seems like that kind of asshole. Anyhow is anyone still reading? I used to be funny, now I'm not. I'm like Full House .
Anyhoo, no matter, here comes Tina to save the day!
Tina's been offered a job at Focus Features! Bette says Tina you are a ROCKSTAR! See, they're so happy together, like two turtles on a peapod in an ocean of lovely-love. There's only one catch -- this new job is in New York, New York!
Same Sex, Different City.
We got plenty of love for y'all right here.
And My Face Is Just a Trace of Where I'm Coming FromTime for exposition! Alice disapproves of Marcie moving in, Tina shares their travel itinerary: 1. They're not attending the entire marathon because 2. They're picking up Marcie from the bus station at 7 A.M. because 3. Classy! I've done that route on the Greyhound, I almost got raped and pillaged by a one-toothed man who smelled like Sausage McMuffins & dead people. Just saying, don't be surprised if Marcie arrives with placenta running down her bare thighs and knee-socked calves.
Shortalls, Alice. She was wearing Shortalls.
Alice: "And she's a teenager, so she's gonna hate you guys out of principle."
Bette: "You know what she's 22 years old."
Alice: "Okay so she's gonna wanna down like 50 beers after dinner."
HELENA!! Let's get it ONNNN! Marcie and Helena, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!
Alice: "You could get all lost in those mushy mama feelings and sock it to 'er one night."
Bette's Big Bettism: "Okay, that's enough. I am not some fucking lose cannon that just fucks everything that walks okay I can be trusted."
I Learn Every Room Long Enough to Make it to the Door and Hear it Click Shut Behind Me
Alice: "Is Marcie hot?"
Alice: "You guys, you're bringing me down okay?"
Carly: "I wish she'd said 'you guys are harshing my mellow, okay?"
Don't Think I'll Deny Why Would I Deny This
"She's in love with you," Tina tells Helena. Helena asks "then where is she?" Excellent point. Where the fuck is she. One does not sacrifice one's chance to make love to Helena Peabody. Enough of this character development, let's get on with the dance!
You Better Work.
If you haven't already seen the episode, I'd suggest a drinking game that requires one drink for every time they cut away to the audience applauding. You will be wasted within fifteen minutes tops.
Carly: "Is this the only drag queen in the world?"
Riese: "This is a one-avenue town. One lawyer, one therapist, one drag queen. And he's actually a really bad drag queen."
Carly: "Uh yeah! Like he hits on women!"
Riese: "I don't even know if he could get a job at Lucky Cheng's ."
Alex: "Um absolutely not."
The Colors of My Wind
Alice tells the crowd how her life has turned around after getting fired from The Look [I'm having Rosie Cruise '07 opening night performance post-Hassleback showdown flashbacks!], she's made a good friend & loves her girlfriend more than ever and she owes this to someone very special. MARIE! Marie taught Alice something very important: "It's not a one way street, we can really influence these kids and if you give them one second of your time they can really turn your life around." APPLAUSE!
Coincidentally, my name is also Marie I am just saying.
Carly: "She looks kindaaaa like Ellen Page."
Riese: "She's like a poor man's Ellen Page."
Carly: "Oh my god, she totally IS, we can't write that down."
Bette looks over her shoulder ...
and what does she see ...
"That girl from Medieval Times, she's coming for me!"
What will Bette do to flee the scene?
Ah! Time to get on stage and unpack some green.
It's for a good cause, so no one gets hurt
Besides the peasant who died to make Alice's shirt.
Look my Friends are LOADED! Power UP!
My Thrumpin' Piano Comes Through
Kit: "I have a little question for you ... will you be my dance partner for this evening?"
Sunset [makes weird noises]: "Oohhhh yeeeessss!"
Robin: "Did they just go to Claire's and pick random accessories for everyone?"
Carly: "Totally, that's where they met Sunset Boulevard."
Riese: "He's like the guy that will pierce your ears even if you're only 15."
Or Does Each Apology Sound More Like a ShrugJenny apologizes to Helena. Helena blows her off and walks away. Alice wants Helena to dance but Helena can't stay up for 12 hours and dance, and Kit hasn't blown any horn players lately so there's no coke to go around, but Tasha & Alice tell her she must dance -- she can dance with Jamie, who's a weirdly awesome dancer. If Helena doesn't dance, none of us will dance, it'll be anarchy! Sidenote; what's the point if Helena has no sponsors? Ok.
I'm Not an Addict, It's COOL, I feel ALIVE
"What?" Tasha asks.
"If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you," Jamie responds. My heart hurts.
Robin: "Wasn't Tasha the one that says thinking was cheating?"
Riese: "That was like a few episodes ago."
Carly: "They're completely different characters now."
So Then I Wake Up, and it's the Morning, and My Legs Are Wrapped Around Her ... Wha?
Doesn't Kit's butt look kinda cute in this?:
This outfit inspires the crowd of cheap hookers to DANCE DANCE DANCE!
The Tango Kit Porter is a Dark Dizzy Merry-Go-Round ...
Sunset: "If there is no spring in your step--"
Kit: "and no funk in your trunk --
Sunset: "You will be eliminated --"
Kit: "The question is ... do you have the staying power ...?"
[Kit makes 4-5 strange/amazing facial expressions]
Confessions on the Dance Floor
Jodi's gonna give that girl her O Face
This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius
Bette and Jodi are washing their dirty hands of each other in the bathroom at the same time. IMHO, Bette could've escaped this catastrophe w/Jodi by just moving very quietly and refusing eye contact. Instead, Bette does the mature thing and asks Jodi if "they're really gonna do this -- not say Hi to each other." Why is Bette always so perfect? Apparently Jodi and Jenny have spoken and Jodi now knows about Bette & Kelly -- or maybe Jenny just said "I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T HEAR THE MUSIC" and Jodi heard "BETTE AND KELLY DID THE DIRTY DIRTY." You know? These things happen. Rumors flying on the dance floor, etc. I can't hear shit in those places.
Lesbian Squabble #26: You Can Fuck Whoever You Like
In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette
Content: Jodi's glad she dodged a bullet with Bette. Bette had a gun? This story keeps getting shadier and shadier. I can barely keep up with these Sapphic Scenesters.
Jodi: "Jenny told me about you and Kelly."
Bette: "And you believed her? She thinks that she saw something, nothing happened."
Jodi: "Then why did Kelly tell me it did?"
Fuck You Kelly.
Bette breaks my heart here. "It's Tina I feel sorry for," Jodi says like a patronizing fuck. Personally I feel sorry for Jodi because she has a totem pole up her ass, Jamie brought it over from her wigwam. Where'sTashsa to beat a bitch down when you need her.
3-2-1 CONTACT!Back on the dance floor, the gay youths are fabulous! And the ladies are line-dancing/gossiping. What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, mockingbird. There's something about this line dance that makes everyone look ridiculously sexy. Shane looks sexy, Jenny looks sexy, Alice looks sexy even though she's wearing Bette's S3 maternity meditation outfit ...
Jenny to Bette: "Did you tell her?"
[Bette rolls her eyes, keeps dancing.]
Riese: "Don't you feel like Jenny looks cute right now?"
Alex: "Oh totally."
Carly: "Oh I don't know I'm too annoyed with her to have an opinion."
I'm So ... SCARED!
Alice continues to conduct the "is something up with Jamie and Tasha?" survey ... and Helena gives Alice her first positive response -- "Yeah, you should be worried." Cheers to Honest Helena. Boo to ... Alice's heart hurting. Good news though!
I See Red
Do I Push it Down Or Let it Run Me Right to the Ground
Yeah I'll Volunteer in Your Pants
Even the Muppet has his 80's glasses on.
Hard Core Superstar By Far You're the Ultimate Star
Clever In What She Does Competing for the Attention
See Shane, This is Why You Got Forbidden
Alice says it's how Shane wants it to be. This is an interesting conversation -- oh! Nevermind. Back to the dancing. If it kept going, there'd be a lot of awkward silences where Shane's personality is supposed to be.
The fabric from Alice's Season Four gold lame dress called and said it looked so much better the first time around
It's time for Jenny & Shane to dance. I think they thought it was the 1870's. Jenny's selling it, Shane's melling it. That's a new word, just made it up -- it means "mellow." Shane smiles, almost, from time to time, but the weight of the piece is on Jenny's shoulders and in the ruffles at the bottom of her dress. There's something sad & itchy about this scene.
"we thought we left possession behind , but truth is i was yours and you weren't mine."
"and now i've replayed a thousand times exactly what was said."
"'cause nothing is as it appears in the funhouse mirrors of your fears."
"on the rollercoaster of all these years"
"with your hands above your head ..."
They earn moderate ratings. They will not win. In more ways than one. But they look kinda gorgeous together. In the VIP lounge, Nikki cheers. Nikki don't mind. It's her two favorite sexual partners, all up in one another's junk.
Back in the dressing room, Alice is ready to go, there she goes, there she goes again Girls what's her weakness? (Women!) Alice's just chillin', chillin' minding her business (word) when yo Tash, she looked around and she couldn't believe this. I swear, she stared, with Tina her witness. Bette had it goin' on with somethin' kinda ... uhhhh ...
Shoop Shoop Ba -doop
Alice: "I didn't know Dance Fever was back in the air."
Bette: "Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize Kriss Kross was looking for a new member."
[Alice walks away, all like "Whatevs bitch, my pants are on frontwards."]
Bette: "Hey Al, nice cameltoe."
[Hey Bette, nice raunchy comeback. Love it!]
Wicked, wicked. Alice had to kick it.
Alice: "Fuck, they're not fucking around! They're serious they have costumes!"
Tasha: "I see that. Wasn't this supposed to be fun?"
Alice: "FUN?! NO!"
Don't know how she makes you do the voodoo that you do.
So well, it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop ...
Bette: "Do you think you need to go over it again?"
Tina: "Go over it again? No I think I'm good."
Bette: "Are you sure because they have wigs and spandex it's not a fucking joke. We have no idea what they're capable of."
[QUOTE OF THE WEEK #1 RIGHT THERE]
Tina: "I'll do my best."
Alice, worried that TiBette are packed and stacked 'specially in the back, starts having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, the dance routine. I mean the three of these ladies weren't put in the same storyline to dance together, clearly they are here to have A FUCKING THREESOME. Shotgun-bang! What's up with that thang?
Carly: "You know which one is Spinderella."
Carly: Alice is the me of this team."
Chocolate Chip, Honey Dip, Can I Get a Scoop?
Tasha: "Alice, what's wrong?"
Alice: "No, no I can't ... I don't have rhythym."
Alice: "No, I don't, it's a -- it's a joke. I don't know what I was thinking."
Tasha: "What are you talking about? You were the lead in West Side Story!"
Jamie: "You said we're number one, we can't be number two?"
[and we're gonna beat the whoopie outta you!]
Alice: "Uh uh you guys everyone went traditional, we look like freaks."
No you look AWESOME.
Tasha: "We don't we look good -- alright, alright, we look a little crazy but come on. [LOLZ!] That is not the point. Listen alright we can do this, you know the routine, you choreographed everything, okay?"
Alice: "Another problem, why did you let me do that. I don't know how to choreograph shit."
Tasha: "Put your wig on, Alice, put your wig on, okay? You're gonna do this."
Alice: "I was a terrible Maria, by the way."
Clearly Alice went to a white girl school, how the F did she get cast as Maria? She is a kickass singer, though. Say so, you want to ...
And If You Wants to Dance and If She Wants To Lead ...
Tasha: "You're gonna do this. Just think of one thing, okay? Think -- think -- everybody out there, they're here for you, okay?
Jamie and I are gonna do this crazy ass dance for you. I'm in a turquoise onesie for you, okay, so pull it together."
QUOTE OF THE WEEK #2 HANDS-DOWN.
Dignified in What She Does when She Sings
Alex: "It's gonna be like - [sings] - All the single ladies, all the single ladies ..."
Carly: "That's what we woulda done, obvs -- for the Dance whatever this thing is they made up."
Riese: "No, those are real, they're a big deal. They had a huge Dance Marathon at U of M [University of Michigan, my alma matter] with breaks and guest speakers and stuff, it's like a big fundraising thing."
[Everyone is stunned speechless by the truthiness. But enough about us. ZOMG!]
You gotta push it ...
Push it good ...
Push it ...
I don't know about you, but clearly we have declared a hands-down-totes winner. I always wished the L Word could be more like Roundhouse.
Esmerelda can't hold a sign without assistance but if she could it would be a ten. Also Robin's ten is slightly higher than our tens because she looks super crazy in this photo.
I could watch this dance scene ten more times. One hundred more times. And still love every minute.
I Want One Thing I Wanted To Come True
To Destroy The Things I've Got For the Things I Need
To Destroy The Things I Love For the Things I See [Nikki]
"If this is that same fucking girl that's been fucking random girls in the bathroom since 2004, I am going to be fucking livid don't you try me."
Lesbian Sexy Moment #10: We Never Change, Do We? We Never Learn, Do We?
The Players: Shane and Nikki.
The Pick-Up: Probs "Hey, are you an asshole? I'm also an asshole. Let's go be assholes together. Maybe at some point, I can touch your asshole. Do you like that? Probs not. That's why you don't have sex with boys anymore, isn't it. Boys always think you've got a secret up there and anyway aren't you saving your ass virginity for Brian Kinney , yes you are."
Hot or Not?: Tina & Bette's dance sequence is much sexier than Shane's delayed emotional growth
and wish they didn't keep cutting away. Out of context = hot. In context= not hot.
I can't believe I'm saying this about Shane, the former love of my life, the reason I watched this show to begin with. Oh, the tangled web we've woven.
Riese: "Fuckin' A."
Carly: "Ugh, Shane, you asshole."
Big Boo for Shane.
With these hungry eyes
I look at you and I can't disguise
I've got hungry eyes
I feel the magic between you and I ...
And look who shows up mid-dance ...
It's Dylan. She tells Helena that she's sorry. Not about her haircut, but about her personality. Yay! Let's dance, lovebirds!
I Like What You Do When You Do What You Do
Riese: "They just did the Obama fist bump."
Carly: "According to Fox News, they just fisted."
We're 75% sure that Team TiBette has this shit in the bag when that bitch from Dancing with the Stars takes the stage in her Dancing with the Stars prom dress, pulling an unexpected underdog effort a là Screech & Lisa on crutches. Sidenote; love shows where the only people in the dance contest are main cast members -- [sidenote #2, after Jodi's big moment on DWTS last year, A;ex and I made our own video of A;ex dancing to "I Want You Back" with earplugs in to see if it was possible for her to dance without hearing the music,inter-spliced with Jodi's best DWTS moments. Watch that here.]
Tina: "Any regrets?"
Bette: "Not - a -one."
On the upside, your girlfriends = way hotter than Jodi's girlfriend.
Time for the monkeys to go to the picnic and have their foods! What's for lunch? Corn on the cob? Alice says Jodi & her bitch must've been practicing for months. "You had us practicing for months," says Tasha. Teeny exaggeration there -- apparently 606 happened last week, so ... [how fun would a rehearsal montage have been? That's J-Beals specialty, MANIAC!] ... Alice shoots back "your sense of fair play is annoying." Agreed.
Tasha is just one of those girls that won't get excited about anything unless it's officially, genuinely, seriously important. And maybe still even now she doesn't see what Alice sees as mattering ... but can we bear to see Alice's little heart be sad with only one episode to go? Can't they break up in the off-season?
And I Hate To Say It, But You're Perfect Together ...
Up in the world-famous VIP lounge, Nikki's dishing to her No.1 Groupie about how hot her BathroomSex was with Shane. "Nikki," Lily Allen says, "Twelve o'clock -- no the other 12. Behind you." Oh! Hello there.
I'm Sure You Don't Mean To Be Mean When You Creep Up and Tell Me
Carly: "I cleared out my special lounge for you Jenny. Nikki's sitting like she's the fucking Queen of Sheeba.""The public is very harsh with you," Jenny says. "You have a reputation for being shallow and vain." Nikki's like, "No I don't." Come on, Nikki can't read, how would she know she has a bad reputation. She has a bad reputation in my living room, but that's another story. Jenny suggests Nikki fixes her public image by auctioning herself off for charity. You know. Selling her body for money. Nikki's so nervous around Jenny, she's like a whole different person. Jenny should maybe date someone who's super intelligent, more on her level -- maybe that would help with the powergame problem. Anyhow speaking of selling oneself, let's go out into the alley ...
Riese: "And Jenny is the Princess of Darkness."
Baby this is the last honest love I'll ever giveHelena and Dylan are outside kissing like schoolgirls. Helena has a memory! Backstory! Back in the day, little miss Peabody, who I deduce looked smashing in knickers, liked to dash outside from boarding school to kiss Bridget Somethingsomething who eventually left dear Helena for a "Maths superstar." You know those Maths guys. Veiny cocks like salamanders. The ladies in the background are mildly distracting.
Natalie: "Oh my G-d I thought that was --"
Riese: "A prostitute?"
Natalie: "Oh no, i thought it was Jenny and Shane, but it's Dylan and Helena."
Riese: "Is that the set back there?"
Carly: "That's Ilene Chaiken in the hat."
I'm Gonna Hold You Anyway and I'm Gonna Do It Without Shaking
Helena: "Not much has changed, has it? I'm still just gambling with my heart ... Dylan, I'm sorry okay?"
Dylan: "Listen, no more apologies. I think we just need to start new, okay? Can we do that?"
Sunset has killed a bird. Bird-killer = Jenny killer? You know how Ilene feels about dudes. Sunset, in all honesty, has never looked better. He should wear Zebra ever day. Nikki gets up to say she'd like to make a donation and auction off a date with herself.
Roxanne You Don't Have to Sell Your Body To Make Right
I don't want you to do that, so I bought her for you. So you can have her whenever you want."
[We applaud]If it wasn't sort of degrading to the cause (bringing personal drama into a charity event is a little tacky), I'd give this particular Jenny Moment a 10 out of 10. But because of that I give it an 8.5. Well, Lacey made a banner. Shane, where have you gone.
Alex: "AND that's why we love Jenny."
Carly: "--and that is AWESOME."
Jenny then approaches Shane, who looks like she's thinking about chapstick and cucumbers and suicide, and tells her: "Listen, I don't care. You can fuck whoever you want, whenever you want. Fuck Nikki, fuck whoever. I know that you need it, it doesn't scare me, because I know you. Okay?" But ... that's not okay. It's never okay to fuck your best friend's ex-girlfriend, or your girlfriend's ex-girlfriend. Is Jenny just trying to keep her? Is she a flip-flopper from hell? Or is she just being manipulative? Well, let's move on and never find out.
Dammit my plan to get dumped was foiled.
Nikki's probs in back whipping up the Bisquik.
So If You Still Know How, Talk to Me Now .
Jodi still doesn't believe her but says it doesn't matter. Yes it does, it just does, if it didn't matter, Jodi wouldn't have brought it up or said she's glad to have dodged a bullet. Nevertheless Bette's fed a hearty portion of Jodi's Maxims for Life. "Every day we wake up and promise ourselves we're going to be better. The problem is in the execution." She wishes Bette & Tina happiness. I bet after Bette left Jodi signed to herself "just kidding I hope you kill somebody."
'Cause I'm Good Enough, and Smart Enough, and G-ddammit People Like Me
Fuck you Jodi.
Jamie says she was silly to think a 15-minute power nap would be okay. Well, there's item number one Tasha and Jamie do NOT have in common because Tasha would be just fine because she was in the army and took power naps all the time so there, they're too much alike, it would never work.
Be Careful What You Ask
Alice:"Do you have feelings for Tasha?"
Jamie: "Alice, I would never do anything --"
Alice: "I know."
Be Cautious How You Act
Don't mind it's a common reaction ..
Tina & Bette look like they've just slept for 10 hours, it is the buttcrack of dawn and they are fully accessorized. I'm lucky to be wearing pants with pockets after an all-nighter, let alone a watch with matching earrings & scarf. These women are on top of their shit, should probs take custody of the octuplets. Or move to New York City.
Bette: "At a certain point I have to trust that they're like our family, and just because we leave L.A., it doesn't mean that we're leaving them."
Tina: "It'll be a fresh start. It'll be a new city. It's gonna be so exciting."
Riese: [as Bette] "You call those teenagers our friends? Who needs enemies."
Carly: [as Bette]"Our friends are lame. We need new ones."
Riese: [as Bette] "Our friends are our family, like my Dad. He was mean to me and now he's dead."
A;ex: "Riese! I swear to G-d."
I Don't Really Care For Your City Anymore
There's a man on the stage and Kit is on the alert. What the hell, it's Soy Bomb, he's gonna hijack the show. Guess who it is okay I'll tell you it's that drag queen but not wearing drag.
No, that's Kit, she's a woman, she just dresses like that.
it's THIS GUY:
Sunset: "You know me as Sunset Boulevard. But my real name is Sonny Benson--"
Carly: "... and I'm here to recruit you."
Riese: "Oh my god they have no idea what straight people do, do they?"
Carly: "Oh my god, no idea."
Sonny: "But my real name is Sonny Benson, and I'm a straight man who loves his gay and lesbian family. And I hope you can still accept me."
Tonight You Can't Put Him Up on Any Shelf
Kit's pissed that she told him things she'd never tell a man who was wearing men's clothing. I think Kit needs glasses. Sonny tells Kit that she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he'd like nothing more than to take her to dinner and get to know her better. Kit don't need no dinner. She already ATE, bitch. This is the fourth person who's doggedly pursued Kit and actively ached to explore her nether regions; declaring love in public places, writing songs and sending 50 bouquets of flowers. Yet this has never -- not once -- happened to Alice. That makes me sad. This also happens to Tinkerbell all the time:
Marcie's Baby is in that bag, don't let the wig fool you ladies!
Sperm Donor, anyone? I'd like to touch his arms, steal his sunglasses, etc.
Bette checks her messages. No dice. Look's like it's Max's baby or no baby, baby.
Carly: "They're like America, wearing blue and red."I can't even show you a screenshot of their faces waiting for Marci because the hope in their eyes is so full that it makes me want to cry, and one must save one's tears for the last couple standing. Tina should pretend the flowers are for Bette, then they can go home and make love. We're a bit relieved Marci's not coming -- that was another unnecessary loose end for next week.
Riese: "Maybe she had her baby on the bus."
Carly: "Bette looks like she works for the bus."
Back at the dance, Tasha and Alice are hugging each other and swaying. Alice looks sad. You know who else looks sad? Us. Why. Alice. Come on. Her best friend already died of Chaiken Cancer. OurChart died. She's been left by four women that we know of. She won't even be able to bury herself in volunteer work, 'cause Jamie runs the center, or write her treatment, 'cause Jenny already did, or go to work, 'cause she got fired, or hang out with her friends, 'cause they're moving to New York and Shane is being a weirdo.
Alice: "I want you to know I've never loved you more ... and I want you to be happy. Do you wanna be with Jamie?
Tasha: "I don't -- I don't know her ... "
[The right answer is: "We enjoy playing raquetball together."]
Alice: [interrupts] "It's okay."
Tasha: "... very well."
Tasha: "I'm not ready to let you go."
[Good, 'cause Alice needs to auto-win SOMETHING tonight. Hold on, baby, hold on.]
Sunny Hoo-ha announces "we have our last couple standing."
My heart hurts.
I hope The Farm doesn't get picked up. Alice in jail = major heartbreak.
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 1 this ep, 10 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this ep, 27 total
Quote of the Week: Tasha & Bette
On a scale of 1 to 10: Shoop shoop a-doobie like Scoobie Doobie Doo - 7.5.
Muppet Face #1
LOVE IT. love it, can't get enough of it.