Episode 608: The Last Word is at our new URL! Change your bookmarks, update your Google Reader, etc etc.!

Hey! Come join us at the New Autostraddle. No judging -- 'cause it's still being put together and right now is totally insane and mostly just L Word stuff [obvs that'll change Big Time Really Soon]. But! Right now if you go there you can read our kick-ass list of the Top 15 Best L Word Sex Scenes of all time -- it's too hot, basically. Too hot.

Be sure to follow @thusspokejenny and friends on twitter tonight by keyword lcast Check out also @betteporter, @mama_ti, @itsjustshane, @helena_uk, @call_me_max are gonna have a lot of feelings!

Also follow the Autostraddle crew: @autowin, @a_ex, @carlytron, @Misshaviland, @aleximelvin and @robinshoots.

A post-show Autostraddle podcast will go up tonight and the recap shortly thereafter, we hope.

So come check it out! Once we get the finishing touches up, we'll start messing with re-directs and permalinks and all that. For now, just relish in our amateurism.

Dear Autostraddle Readers,

As you know, this Sunday night The L Word will be so Over it'll need a new word for Over. Though Season Six has done its best to ensure we don't miss a thing, we can't deny that -- quality aside -- this show has changed our lives and our world, and I want you to know that unlike Mark, Adele and Gomey; Autostraddle is not headed for the vortex -- but I'll get to that in a minute. First, a few things:

Reader: thank you. I feel blessed & grateful to be a part of your life, wherever you are -- from my nearest & dearest friends who began as readers like Carly & Alex to the supportive commenters to posters of sexy Sarah Shahi photographs to all the assholes who I told to Suck It. Thank you for reading, for commenting, and for buying the t-shirt. I can safely say that if it wasn't for you, there's no way I'd still be watching this poofy-sleeved trainwreck of a show. But ... I am, and thanks to you, we have fun with it.

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Furthermore: I literally cannot imagine what my life would be like right now without TLW and I bet you can't either. From a sociological perspective, TLW has changed public conception of what is possible for queer ladies. And for me personally; because of Autostraddle, The L Word Online, OurChart (RIP) (surprise!) and Showtime, I've been able to build a larger audience for my other work (and other blog), I've made amazing new friends online and in 3-D and above all I'm now a part of an incredible, vibrant, engaged community of women who come together every week to bitch at IFC, critically analyze the show, swoon over their 'Ship of choice and, eventually, use this show's "stories" as a starting point to actually tell our own stories to one another.

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Despite its innumerable faults, TLW's enormous impact is undeniable. For girls growing up queer in a media-saturated heteronormative patriarchal world, it's easy to let television tell us what to want -- how to want. And before The L Word , TV ascribed value and status to one kind of relationship only - girls & boys. In the 1996 book The Girls Next Door, the lesbian authors note that, when it came to movies and television; "for as long as the two of us can remember ... our intimate lives were apparently too icky and weird for public consumption ... unless we were homicidal maniacs."
All I knew growing up was Ellen came out and got canceled, Rosie came out and suddenly the world turned mean on the Queen of Nice, and no-one liked that loud woman Madonna was running around with. I planned to live in a big city one day, I wanted to eventually have friends who worked at movie studios, hosted radio shows, wrote novels and ran art museums -- and though I saw plenty of heterosexual "models" of this lifestyle on TV, from Friends to Sex and the City, there was nothing showing me that homosexuality or bisexuality had any place in that kind of world. I spent a lot of time wishing I was a gay man.

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If nothing else, the very existence of The L Word has changed that landscape dramatically. The playing field is far from leveled out, but at least heteronormativity has lost its monopoly on television. As shallow as it sounds -- as shallow as it IS -- because of The L Word, "cool" and "lesbian" are officially no longer mutually exclusive. And you know what? That's a pretty rad starting point. The world has changed with us. Since TLW's premiere in 2004, lesbian media visibility has rapidly gotten better.

We still have so far to go -- light years to go. Firstly, the show sucks now. Secondly, gays still lack equal rights in America, face violent homophobia, and, when TLW ends, we'll be hard-pressed to find a strong lesbian/bisexual character on the tube [we're already hard-pressed to find a strong FTM on the tube, obvs, TLW doesn't count]. I don't like teevee inherently [I basically watch it to analyze it & talk about it] so this matters to me more theoretically than logistically, but I know for many of you this no-gays-on-tv-thing is gonna be a Gigantic Suck.
I don't want these bonds or this community to dismantle when the show ends, and that's part of the reason I've decided to create a new website that I hope will enable us to build on what we've already got going and bring in millions of people who never even watched TLW -- 'cause what I've learned over the past three years [besides the definition of such useful terms as "nipple confidence" and "third wheel crush"] is that the Internet is Magic. You guys have done some fucking awesome things for me and sent me some incredible emails (that I don't know how to write back to because they are so cool and I am so weird), that's really only the tip of the iceberg.

Although by popular demand we'll eventually be recapping the first two seasons on The New Autostraddle 1.0, the site isn't intended to be related to The L Word but rather just to all the smart, fun, independent and cutting-edge stuff queer girls are doing all over the world. We have big plans and though the first few weeks/months will probs be rockier than OurChart, we hope to be doing okay within a few months and hopefully y'all can be a good part of that. You'll get to relish in the glory of our broken links and paltry content in just a few days at www.autostraddle.com, which is excitant for everyone.

So. I'll ask again when I post the last recap -- if you've enjoyed reading Autostraddle for the past three years then please consider donating to the New Autostraddle Fund. Some of you have donated over the last few years, and often it's your generosity that has helped to enable me to spend 30+ a week recapping [completely unpaid]. Pay me, bitches!

The recession is clearly a bad time to launch anything. Most of us, including me, have seen our income and employment dwindle from decent to slim to zero, and our original plans for Autostraddle fundraising have crashed & burned with the stock market. And we wouldn't even be where we are if A;ex (designer) and Tess (programmer) hadn't been working their asses off for free all this time to make AS 1.0 happen.

So I'm hoping that if each of you give a few bucks -- even $2 -- I can focus on building new Autostraddle without getting evicted. Think of it as Arts Patronage 2.0. There'll be plenty of opps to help out or participate heavily (more on that this sunday) besides giving money obvs, but just throwin' it out there.

Everything you give will be put into covering AS's expenses and making it better.

Also I need like 40 unpaid interns, an independently wealthy PR/Marketing guru and a little monkey who can sing dirges in my ear while I work. Also Tinkerbell needs a vodka-tonic and the opposite of liposuction.

If you're the old-fashioned type, you can mail a donation to:

Riese c/o Autostraddle
52 Tiemann Place, No #3
New York, NY 10027

So, I'll have more information for you as the weekend goes on. There's also a form at the end of the PayPal donation where you can let me know how you'd like to be recognized (if at all) for your generosity.

'Til then -- thank you. For laughing with me and being part of the conversation over the past six years and I can't wait 'til Sunday when we can all scream"REALLY PAPI, REALLY?" together, all over the world and then all poke our eyes out with giant dildos.

Oh! I don't think this counts as a spoiler, but FYI, Sunday's finale = no theme song. HOLLER! When was the last time that happened? When Dana died. As I've said, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Durrrrrr.

Don't forget to follow the l word characters on twitter -- alice, bette, tina, jenny, nikki, max, shane and helena. There are other L Word characters out there too -- Jodi, Dylan, Carmen -- but I don't write those and I don't know who does but those are awesome too and you should check them out. Just so you know, I'm not always talking to myself, I'm not that crazy. Yeah I am.

So Much Friend Love.
Riese and the Autostraddle Gang

When in doubt, dance. Dance, I say! Dance! Dance all over the stage, change your clothes, tear up the floor, waltz and tango and skip and mambo your smokin' hot bod down to the village square, hook up with the Pied Piper of WeHo and dance your way out of regularly scheduled programming into the idea well of death. Welcome to the recap of Episode 607 of "The L Word," entitled "Last Couple Standing."

A little warning -- this recap is ... mediocre, and ... I don't know why. But it took forever! Like four days nonstop!

This recap would not even be possible were it not for the amazing assistance of Intern Vashti, who did all the screencaps for me (I didn't get the disc in time), and I think you'll agree that these are probably the best screencaps I've ever had. She did well with my detailed list of what shots I wanted, for example:

- Any shots of Kit's amazing outfit that show the full amazingness of it
- As many shots you can get of Push It as long as there's a good one of Tasha's butt and of their butts in the air, solid gold
- Dylena with that tramp in the background w/belly hanging out talking bla bla
- Shot of the bus 'cause apparently we're supposed to look at the bus for 10 minutes

I also must re-thank the ladies at Tibette.com, who hooked me up with a first cut of the ep, enabling me to get a head start on the recap before it aired 'cause I didn't get the 607 DVD from Showtime 'til today. And I also must thank Jeeeesus and Green, who per my request made me the most amazing animated gif of all time [above]. Shoop.

If any of you reading this are seeking temporary "internship" opportunities this week/weekend and you live in the NYC metro area, I'm panicking slightly that next week's recap will also take forever and therefore I need someone to come over and make screencaps with my DVD on their computer while I do work on my computer. I will pay you in: blow jobs, pickles, buttons baby, and the golden opportunity to see 608 before all the other kids do. Comment. This is limited only to people who can physically be here. If you turn out to be psycho, I will give you rabies and throw you in the Hudson River.

Today's viewing party: Robin, Carly, Riese, A;ex, Esmerelda Fitzmonster (with occasional appearances by Natalie).
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Also. Sorry the intro is so long. On Sunday we'll be live-blogging/tweeting/chatting [TBA] the Finale Event from New Autostraddle 1.0 -- a venture which you'll hear more about next week. The URL is www.autostraddle.com and although right now that just redirects here, pretty soon it won't, and ... um ... it's kinda awesome, like ... yeah. Just be excited, add it to your bookmarks toolbar RIGHTNOW, and be prepared for change. You know, change? That thing Ilene doesn't want Shane to ever do?

I thought Jenny was gonna die in Episode 607. When I first saw her hair & makeup I thought: "A-HA! That is Ghost Jenny if I ever saw her..." (wtf hair&makeup?)

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Ghost Dana is clearly on her way, and everyone will dance! Like this:

Unfortunately that's not the case. That's fine, now I've got seven more days to exist within my personal fantasy world where Jenny doesn't actually die but rather wakes up and declares "it was all just a dream!" Jenny is immortal, as I've said.

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Hello and welcome to the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center Children, Youth & Family Services 2009 "Dancing Through the Decades" Dance Marathon, sponsored by OurChart. Aw. I bet that was a fun do-over in the editing room. Alice warns Bette that she's going down like Charlie Brown tonight 'cause The Three Dykeateers are gonna three-peat this whole enchilada -- best dance, last couple standing, money raised. Bette won't say a word about what she and Tina have up their designer sleeves. As this scene happened I started remembering how Bette left Alice for Tina. And then Dana left Alice for Lara and now. Sigh.

Bette and Alice are cutely overly competitive. I think it's awesome that TLW is giving some extra visibility to the L.A. GLC, hopefully this'll encourage a lot of lesbos to give those people all their money. Any way you roll the dice or feel about this episode or this show, that's really cool, eternal A+ for social responsibility.

Who's gonna kill Jenny this episode? Talice & Jamie's dance routine!

Dirty Dancing
Alice: "Our Dance Routine kills! KILLS!"
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I Know There's Like a Billion Flowers on My Shirt! It's Like the Garden of Eden!

As Alice returns to her playpalace, Bette calls out -- "Alice, look at what you've done" and gestures elegantly around the room. It's a sweet supportive moment between friends which is quickly ruined by the angel of death, who's ready to tattle.

Lesbian Squabble #25: I Listen In & I Draw My Own Conclusions & Take Photos of Them & I'm Guilty Of This, You Should Know This

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Bette
Content: Jenny wants to know if Bette told Tina about what happened while Tina was in the big apple. You know, how Bette really liked Kelly's peaches, therefore wanted to shake her tree. Bette rogers that and reports no, she did not tell Tina about having sex with Kelly because she did not have sex with Kelly.
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Jenny: "It's not funny, I saw you through the window! You weren't even trying to hide it, Bette!"

[I'd argue that things one does in the privacy of one's home count as "hidden."]

Bette: "I don't know what you think you saw, but I can tell you however it appeared, nothing happened."
Jenny: "Then what did I see Bette?"
Bette: "I don't know, you tell me. What did you see, Jenny?"
Jenny: [patronizing] "I know this is hard, and I know that you're trying to be better --"
Bette: "Look. NOTHING HAPPENED. Kelly came over, she was drunk, she spilled her drink, I cleaned it up. That's the end of the story let it go."
Jenny: "Tina's my friend. You know how it works, people find out about these things."

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Who Wins? Jenny.

Why? C'mon, for an innocent woman Bette couldn't possibly have sounded guiltier. Wouldn't one naturally assume Jenny had somehow seen Kelly trying to lay a smooch on Bette, rather than that she'd seen the drink spill? AND w/o knowing about the iphone photo, why would Bette give this argument the time of day? Clearly Dick Wolf wasn't consulted on this scene. Ilene why hast thou forsaken us. Tina's Jenny's only friend now, so maybe she is just lookin' out.

I feel really bad for Bette, and being punished for something you didn't do -- especially when it's something people might expect you to do but you don't do anymore -- blows harder than Ted Haggard in a truck stop bathroom. Sidenote ; if I'd been freeze-dried since 1985 without sexual activity and Kelly tried to stick her hand down my pants -- Hell to the N-O. I'd rather make out with a REPUBLICAN. Because Republicans can be sexy. Actually. Kelly's probs a Republican, she seems like that kind of asshole. Anyhow is anyone still reading? I used to be funny, now I'm not. I'm like Full House .
Guess who doesn't say that she's gonna kill Jenny? That's right. Bette. Why not? I have One Big Idea why. Anyhow as aforementioned, it's Jamie & Alice's dance routine that does the killing today, allegedly.

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Tina's been offered a job at Focus Features! Bette says Tina you are a ROCKSTAR! See, they're so happy together, like two turtles on a peapod in an ocean of lovely-love. There's only one catch -- this new job is in New York, New York!

Same Sex, Different City.

Bette -- her entire body seized by fear that Jenny's gonna rat out her innocent & lovely ass -- eagerly suggests they skip town. It's such a great opportunity for her to get away from Jennifer for Tina! But Tina says they can't leave their life & friends! There's so much friend love here! OR IS THERE?

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And My Face Is Just a Trace of Where I'm Coming From

Time for exposition! Alice disapproves of Marcie moving in, Tina shares their travel itinerary: 1. They're not attending the entire marathon because 2. They're picking up Marcie from the bus station at 7 A.M. because 3. Classy! I've done that route on the Greyhound, I almost got raped and pillaged by a one-toothed man who smelled like Sausage McMuffins & dead people. Just saying, don't be surprised if Marcie arrives with placenta running down her bare thighs and knee-socked calves.
Alice thinks they should see Baby Mama (I haven't, never will, I got one leg whatever), 'cause apparently this situation is a one-way road to trouble and ... probs a three-way crush.

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Alice: "And she's a teenager, so she's gonna hate you guys out of principle."
Bette: "You know what she's 22 years old."
Alice: "Okay so she's gonna wanna down like 50 beers after dinner."

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HEY-O! You know who else likes 50 beers after dinner? I mean -- before dinner, after lunch, etc.? With afternoon tea? That's right, Helena!

HELENA!! Let's get it ONNNN! Marcie and Helena, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!
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Alice: "You could get all lost in those mushy mama feelings and sock it to 'er one night."

Bette's Big Bettism: "Okay, that's enough. I am not some fucking lose cannon that just fucks everything that walks okay I can be trusted."

[BRILLIANT!]

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I Learn Every Room Long Enough to Make it to the Door and Hear it Click Shut Behind Me
Alice: "Is Marcie hot?"
Bettina: "ALICE!"
Alice: "You guys, you're bringing me down okay?"

Carly: "I wish she'd said 'you guys are harshing my mellow, okay?"

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Don't Think I'll Deny Why Would I Deny This

Tina apologizes to Helena for "pushing" her into the Dylan Test, but Helena says it's okay -- she was "complicit," she wanted to know. [Sidenote: and Dylan obvs overreacted, as she totes deserved to be tested.] Remember when Tina and Helena had S-E-X in a P-O-O-L? They love PoolSex on The L Word. And in less than a week, there'll be no more lesbian pool sex EVER. I hear there'll be a dead body in the pool, maybe a few floaties, some of those rings at the bottom. Shamu. Shamwow.

"She's in love with you," Tina tells Helena. Helena asks "then where is she?" Excellent point. Where the fuck is she. One does not sacrifice one's chance to make love to Helena Peabody. Enough of this character development, let's get on with the dance!

Carly: "Is this the only drag queen in the world?"
Riese: "This is a one-avenue town. One lawyer, one therapist, one drag queen. And he's actually a really bad drag queen."
Carly: "Uh yeah! Like he hits on women!"
Riese: "I don't even know if he could get a job at Lucky Cheng's ."
Alex: "Um absolutely not."

Jamie/Pocahontas [BTW, I'm related to Pocahontas, as I've mentioned 500 times, therefore Jamie is my sister] takes the stage to discuss the cause -- the LA Gay & Lesbian Center's Jeff Griffith Youth Center (In NYC we have the Ali Forney Center) for homeless gay youth, and then calls Alice up. Alice is jazzed & adorable & pumped, she's a whole new lady!

Alice tells the crowd how her life has turned around after getting fired from The Look [I'm having Rosie Cruise '07 opening night performance post-Hassleback showdown flashbacks!], she's made a good friend & loves her girlfriend more than ever and she owes this to someone very special. MARIE! Marie taught Alice something very important: "It's not a one way street, we can really influence these kids and if you give them one second of your time they can really turn your life around." APPLAUSE!

Carly: "She looks kindaaaa like Ellen Page."
Riese: "She's like a poor man's Ellen Page."
Carly: "Oh my god, she totally IS, we can't write that down."

Alice is thrilled to be ahead of the three-peat game already. See, look how good Jenny is for charity. $1,500! Tina's facial expression is priceless, it says: "There goes Angelica's clarinet lessons, big spender." The trio exits and Sunset calls Kit Porter to the stage. Kit's wearing one of the costumes Showtime asked me to identify for their auction and I said I was certain I'd never seen it on the show. 'Cause if I had, I would've remembered, because this little jumpsuit thing is probs the best moment of all six seasons, I want one in every color. I'm bidding on it. Sidenote; it's much smaller than you'd expect, we guessed it was Helena's.

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My Thrumpin' Piano Comes Through
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Kit: "I have a little question for you ... will you be my dance partner for this evening?"
Sunset [makes weird noises]: "Oohhhh yeeeessss!"
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In other news, Kit's talking like she just took a bubble bath in liquid codeine.

Robin: "Did they just go to Claire's and pick random accessories for everyone?"
Carly: "Totally, that's where they met Sunset Boulevard."
Riese: "He's like the guy that will pierce your ears even if you're only 15."

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Or Does Each Apology Sound More Like a Shrug

Jenny apologizes to Helena. Helena blows her off and walks away. Alice wants Helena to dance but Helena can't stay up for 12 hours and dance, and Kit hasn't blown any horn players lately so there's no coke to go around, but Tasha & Alice tell her she must dance -- she can dance with Jamie, who's a weirdly awesome dancer. If Helena doesn't dance, none of us will dance, it'll be anarchy! Sidenote; what's the point if Helena has no sponsors? Ok.

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I'm Not an Addict, It's COOL, I feel ALIVE

Apparently Alice&Tasha have been awake all week building endurance. All work and no play makes Alice apparently a very perceptive girl. She takes Helena to get a number, leaving Tasha & Jamie alone to check each other out.

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"What?" Tasha asks.

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"If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you," Jamie responds. My heart hurts.

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Robin: "Wasn't Tasha the one that says thinking was cheating?"
Riese: "That was like a few episodes ago."
Carly: "They're completely different characters now."

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Let the dance marathon begin! If anyone stops dancing they'll be eliminated and then one gay child will die. The first dance will be a line dance. Kit, who's upped the Studio 54 ante by snorting lines of horse tranquilizer in the backroom, does an intro dance with Sunset that closely resembles my imitation of Janet from Intervention dancing with her imagination.

Doesn't Kit's butt look kinda cute in this?:

This outfit inspires the crowd of cheap hookers to DANCE DANCE DANCE!

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The Tango Kit Porter is a Dark Dizzy Merry-Go-Round ...

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Sunset: "If there is no spring in your step--"

Kit: "and no funk in your trunk --

Sunset: "You will be eliminated --"

Kit: "The question is ... do you have the staying power ...?"

[Kit makes 4-5 strange/amazing facial expressions]
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It's BABYLON!

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Confessions on the Dance Floor

Let's dance! Bette & Tina are such cute dancers. Then, because this is in fact The Way That We Live -- Bette spots her ex. Jodi's taken a break from constructing a giant shrine honoring the wire hanger she used to abort Bette's dignity to shake her little ass for charity. Tina tells Bette to not let Jodi ruin her night. "She's probably just here to do some good," Tina suggests. Tina's one of those naturally happy people, I suspect. Jodi is one of those naturally Shake What Your Mama Gave You people.

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Jodi's gonna give that girl her O Face

Bette begins to tell Tina about her earlier conversation with Jenny but is busted in on by Alice, who disregards the "private convo" vibe to ask if they sense any weird Jamie-Tasha-vibes. Tina & Bette draw on their long history as Jamie's BFF and the very illustrative example of her dancing on the other side of the room to declare that there is no vibe. None at all.

This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

Alice's wild hand dances are reminiscent of 90's girl movies featuring hippies who summon dead people around fires. After interrupting Bette's confession twice, Alice goes back to her hidie -hole and Bette returns to attempting to tell Tina ... but it's hard, isn't it? You've got the weight of what you've done on your back, the explanation that's sure to sound sketchy. What does she think Jenny saw? Does she think Jenny's just making shit up to be "manipulative and evil"? What the Eff is going on? "Never mind," Bette says. "We'll talk about it later." And they dance on.

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Bette and Jodi are washing their dirty hands of each other in the bathroom at the same time. IMHO, Bette could've escaped this catastrophe w/Jodi by just moving very quietly and refusing eye contact. Instead, Bette does the mature thing and asks Jodi if "they're really gonna do this -- not say Hi to each other." Why is Bette always so perfect? Apparently Jodi and Jenny have spoken and Jodi now knows about Bette & Kelly -- or maybe Jenny just said "I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T HEAR THE MUSIC" and Jodi heard "BETTE AND KELLY DID THE DIRTY DIRTY." You know? These things happen. Rumors flying on the dance floor, etc. I can't hear shit in those places.

Lesbian Squabble #26: You Can Fuck Whoever You Like
In the Ring: Jodi vs. Bette
Content: Jodi's glad she dodged a bullet with Bette. Bette had a gun? This story keeps getting shadier and shadier. I can barely keep up with these Sapphic Scenesters.

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Jodi: "Jenny told me about you and Kelly."

Bette: "And you believed her? She thinks that she saw something, nothing happened."

Jodi: "Then why did Kelly tell me it did?"

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Fuck You Kelly.
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That's a really good question. Did Kelly tell Jodi before Jenny told Jodi? She must've, 'cause Jodi can't talk on the phone, I doubt her & Kelly are at text-friends level, and Jodi just talked to Jenny. That means: 1. I bet Jodi brought it up, not the other way around, which I imagine cemented Jenny's suspicion, if she had any doubt before. 2. This is now 50% Jenny's fault, 50% Kelly's fault, and 0% Bette's fault. Bette needs to call Kelly STAT! This shit's BANANAS!

Bette breaks my heart here. "It's Tina I feel sorry for," Jodi says like a patronizing fuck. Personally I feel sorry for Jodi because she has a totem pole up her ass, Jamie brought it over from her wigwam. Where'sTashsa to beat a bitch down when you need her.

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3-2-1 CONTACT!

Back on the dance floor, the gay youths are fabulous! And the ladies are line-dancing/gossiping. What's the story, morning glory? What's the word, mockingbird. There's something about this line dance that makes everyone look ridiculously sexy. Shane looks sexy, Jenny looks sexy, Alice looks sexy even though she's wearing Bette's S3 maternity meditation outfit ...

Riese: "Don't you feel like Jenny looks cute right now?"
Alex: "Oh totally."
Carly: "Oh I don't know I'm too annoyed with her to have an opinion."

Shane's dressed like there's no time, only Shane-time. It's like Miller Time. Dance through what decades, dance in your pants. Shane tells TiBette not to move to NYC, they can't leave her here all alone with Jenny -- though I suspect they'll be all too happy to leave this kind of silly drama and bizarre personality transplants behind.

Alice continues to conduct the "is something up with Jamie and Tasha?" survey ... and Helena gives Alice her first positive response -- "Yeah, you should be worried." Cheers to Honest Helena. Boo to ... Alice's heart hurting. Good news though!
Heart = Hurts. Can we just give Alice a pretty girl, a rock band, a hot job and a baby? Or just send her to jail? Oh. Okay.

Do I Push it Down Or Let it Run Me Right to the Ground
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Yeah I'll Volunteer in Your Pants

Jamie's all like, ooo Tasha are you gonna volunteer at the center, and Tasha's all like yeah I will, and Jamie's all like yah you will, 'cause this is probs her game, she woos people into charity with her hot bod. Tasha's restrained though, not overstepping. She's hard to read -- as a lady who thinks thinking is cheating, perhaps she's just doing her best to control her own thoughts. Meanwhile,Esmerelda has feelings for Tasha's glasses.

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Hard Core Superstar By Far You're the Ultimate Star

Look! Who's that girl?! Who is it? Is it Nikki Stevens, the star of direct-to-video limited release Criterion edition super special The Girls: Because Men and Women Belong Together, starring Nikki Stevens as Jessie? Nikki beelines straight for Sexy Shane, who's all-too-happy to see her and conveniently located right in front of Nikki's face.
"I'm waiting for Jenny," Shane says, shifting her pelvis into Nikki's grill. "She's my partner." They throw the word "partner" around like Silly Putty on this show. Nikki acutely notes that Jenny didn't seem like Jenny's partner last week, when Shane took her to the photo studio Jenny bought her to secretly have sex and then barfed. When Nikki apologizes for skipping out on the barf-party, Shane says, "it's okay, some people just aren't very good at taking care of others." Clearly, these two are shining examples, they're both doing quite well with Jenny's heart. Again we have another scene where it's clear even Kate doesn't know why the hell these lines are her's.
Shane doesn't actually like Nikki, does she? Does she just want Jenny to dump her? Seriously THIS IS THE MOST ASSHOLE THING EVER. I don't care if Jenny is in fact the devil herself, you break up with her before you fuck her ex-girlfriend. This is so inappropriate it's gone all the way past inappropriate into unacceptable and all the way back to WTF TFS. Where's Alice?

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Alice, aka Salt, busts in on Shane with her ghetto-girl voice and Shane laughs which is nice 'cause Shane rarely laughs these days. Shane says they're competing because Jenny wants to, it's "not her thing" [mmm, I don't hear Tasha whining like this, suck it up and be a woMAN!] and Alice is like "What is your thing these days?" and rather than delve into the deep secrets of Nikki's inner thighs, Shane just says "not now, Alice."

Alice says it's how Shane wants it to be. This is an interesting conversation -- oh! Nevermind. Back to the dancing. If it kept going, there'd be a lot of awkward silences where Shane's personality is supposed to be.

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Sunset's costumes are devolving as the night goes on. He's moved from outfits to common household materials, such as sofa slipcovers and blankets.

It's time for Jenny & Shane to dance. I think they thought it was the 1870's. Jenny's selling it, Shane's melling it. That's a new word, just made it up -- it means "mellow." Shane smiles, almost, from time to time, but the weight of the piece is on Jenny's shoulders and in the ruffles at the bottom of her dress. There's something sad & itchy about this scene.

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Back in the dressing room, Alice is ready to go, there she goes, there she goes again Girls what's her weakness? (Women!) Alice's just chillin', chillin' minding her business (word) when yo Tash, she looked around and she couldn't believe this. I swear, she stared, with Tina her witness. Bette had it goin' on with somethin' kinda ... uhhhh ...

Shoop Shoop Ba -doop
Alice: "I didn't know Dance Fever was back in the air."
Bette: "Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize Kriss Kross was looking for a new member."

+

[Alice walks away, all like "Whatevs bitch, my pants are on frontwards."]

+

Bette: "Hey Al, nice cameltoe."

+

[Hey Bette, nice raunchy comeback. Love it!]

+

Wicked, wicked. Alice had to kick it.
Alice: "Fuck, they're not fucking around! They're serious they have costumes!"
Tasha: "I see that. Wasn't this supposed to be fun?"
Alice: "FUN?! NO!"
++

Don't know how she makes you do the voodoo that you do.

So well, it's a spell, hell, makes me wanna shoop shoop ...

I love it when I don't really even have to say anything, 'cause it's already good.

---

Alice, worried that TiBette are packed and stacked 'specially in the back, starts having second thoughts. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, the dance routine. I mean the three of these ladies weren't put in the same storyline to dance together, clearly they are here to have A FUCKING THREESOME. Shotgun-bang! What's up with that thang?

Carly: "You know which one is Spinderella."
Alex: "Totally."
Carly: Alice is the me of this team."

Chocolate Chip, Honey Dip, Can I Get a Scoop?

Tasha: "Alice, what's wrong?"
Alice: "No, no I can't ... I don't have rhythym."
Tasha: "What?!"
Alice: "No, I don't, it's a -- it's a joke. I don't know what I was thinking."
Tasha: "What are you talking about? You were the lead in West Side Story!"
Jamie: "You said we're number one, we can't be number two?"

[and we're gonna beat the whoopie outta you!]

Alice: "Uh uh you guys everyone went traditional, we look like freaks."

Tasha's like uh-uh, I wore this outfit in my senior yearbook picture, fool. [I wore chapstick on a rope around my neck, I'm not judging.]

Tasha: "We don't we look good -- alright, alright, we look a little crazy but come on. [LOLZ!] That is not the point. Listen alright we can do this, you know the routine, you choreographed everything, okay?"
Alice: "Another problem, why did you let me do that. I don't know how to choreograph shit."
Tasha: "Put your wig on, Alice, put your wig on, okay? You're gonna do this."
Alice: "I was a terrible Maria, by the way."

++

Clearly Alice went to a white girl school, how the F did she get cast as Maria? She is a kickass singer, though. Say so, you want to ...

+

Look I've been in this situation before and I think Alice needs two girlfriends. Not 'cause she needs to have sex with both of them at once (though I'm sensing that's never gonna happen, therefore if I were Jenny I would want to die too) but 'cause she just has a lot of feelings and needs.

Tasha: "You're gonna do this. Just think of one thing, okay? Think -- think -- everybody out there, they're here for you, okay?

Jamie and I are gonna do this crazy ass dance for you. I'm in a turquoise onesie for you, okay, so pull it together."

QUOTE OF THE WEEK #2 HANDS-DOWN.

++

Alex: "It's gonna be like - [sings] - All the single ladies, all the single ladies ..."
Carly: "That's what we woulda done, obvs -- for the Dance whatever this thing is they made up."
Riese: "No, those are real, they're a big deal. They had a huge Dance Marathon at U of M [University of Michigan, my alma matter] with breaks and guest speakers and stuff, it's like a big fundraising thing."
[Everyone is stunned speechless by the truthiness. But enough about us. ZOMG!]

---

Jenny, probs still feeling sad & weird that her girlfriend did not even attempt to push it real good, seems well aware that Shane's looking the other way. If Haviland was here she'd be like, "Shane! You need to communicate! Don't cheat on her, promise me you're not gonna do that. Just break up with her first before you have an affair, that is so lame not to. Be honest with her, tell her how you feel, don't just run off to the bathroom, that is so lame, Shane, for REAL. La-h-me." And then we go to the bathroom, where Shane is apparently surpassing the "five minutes to pee" limit. Really? Five minutes? It takes five minutes to pee? I feel like I could pee, do a line of coke, switch up a tampon, text Haviland and be outta that stall in three or less.

Alex: "Ugh."
Riese: "Fuckin' A."
Carly: "Ugh, Shane, you asshole."

And back to the good stuff. What we wouldn't give to see this shit uncut. What we wouldn't give to see the rehearsal for this. Angie was sitting on her special chair clapping and squealing "Mommy is shiny!" Tina & Bette dance to Soul II Soul's "Back To Life". I hope all ye Tibetters are sitting on a towel 'cause you're probs about to cream through your pants.

++

With these hungry eyes
+

I look at you and I can't disguise
+

I've got hungry eyes
+

I feel the magic between you and I ...
+
And look who shows up mid-dance ...

It's Dylan. She tells Helena that she's sorry. Not about her haircut, but about her personality. Yay! Let's dance, lovebirds!
+

++

The judges give TiBette 10, 9.0, and 8.5. Maybe the 8.5 had a crush on Bette in college and got rejected, I think that dance was one of the hottest moments of the season (besides Push It)-- these women who've been through ups & downs for years & years are stronger, sexier, and more in sync than ever, andthat's fucking beautiful. I'd rather by a DVD of just that dance [uncut] than the entire season.

+

I Like What You Do When You Do What You Do

Riese: "They just did the Obama fist bump."
Carly: "According to Fox News, they just fisted."

---

We're 75% sure that Team TiBette has this shit in the bag when that bitch from Dancing with the Stars takes the stage in her Dancing with the Stars prom dress, pulling an unexpected underdog effort a là Screech & Lisa on crutches. Sidenote; love shows where the only people in the dance contest are main cast members -- [sidenote #2, after Jodi's big moment on DWTS last year, A;ex and I made our own video of A;ex dancing to "I Want You Back" with earplugs in to see if it was possible for her to dance without hearing the music,inter-spliced with Jodi's best DWTS moments. Watch that here.]
The girls are stunned. Obviously Jodi is not deaf after all. The first clue was the video installation. Just kidding, I'm running out of jokes. The judges cream all over it. Jodi's an amazing dancer for sure, but I think this show is maxed out (ha! "maxed"!) on presenting members of various marginalized social groups as assholes, and there's nothing about Jodi's behavior this episode that makes anyone like her more. The dance is smoking hot -- but again, in context? Not so much. Out of context? Like on the reality show where it belongs? Ah, well, an interesting twist.

---

Time for the monkeys to go to the picnic and have their foods! What's for lunch? Corn on the cob? Alice says Jodi & her bitch must've been practicing for months. "You had us practicing for months," says Tasha. Teeny exaggeration there -- apparently 606 happened last week, so ... [how fun would a rehearsal montage have been? That's J-Beals specialty, MANIAC!] ... Alice shoots back "your sense of fair play is annoying." Agreed.

Tasha is just one of those girls that won't get excited about anything unless it's officially, genuinely, seriously important. And maybe still even now she doesn't see what Alice sees as mattering ... but can we bear to see Alice's little heart be sad with only one episode to go? Can't they break up in the off-season?
Alice sits down next to Bette & Tina. They don't even have to say anything. Bette puts her hand on Alice's shoulder, and Tina gives her a little smile, and little muppet hearts all over the world break right open.

---

Up in the world-famous VIP lounge, Nikki's dishing to her No.1 Groupie about how hot her BathroomSex was with Shane. "Nikki," Lily Allen says, "Twelve o'clock -- no the other 12. Behind you." Oh! Hello there.

And Darling
++

Nikki gives Jenny a guilty/I'm still in love with you/I eat doorknobs for dinner look. But instead of calling Nikki out for fucking Shane again ... and again ... she gives Nikki a little bit of "advice." In Season Six advice from Jenny is not always a fantastic thing to take. Well, Alice hasn't looked into the cartoon voiceover thing yet, so.

I'm Sure You Don't Mean To Be Mean When You Creep Up and Tell Me

Carly: "I cleared out my special lounge for you Jenny. Nikki's sitting like she's the fucking Queen of Sheeba."
Riese: "And Jenny is the Princess of Darkness."

"The public is very harsh with you," Jenny says. "You have a reputation for being shallow and vain." Nikki's like, "No I don't." Come on, Nikki can't read, how would she know she has a bad reputation. She has a bad reputation in my living room, but that's another story. Jenny suggests Nikki fixes her public image by auctioning herself off for charity. You know. Selling her body for money. Nikki's so nervous around Jenny, she's like a whole different person. Jenny should maybe date someone who's super intelligent, more on her level -- maybe that would help with the powergame problem. Anyhow speaking of selling oneself, let's go out into the alley ...

---

Baby this is the last honest love I'll ever give

Helena and Dylan are outside kissing like schoolgirls. Helena has a memory! Backstory! Back in the day, little miss Peabody, who I deduce looked smashing in knickers, liked to dash outside from boarding school to kiss Bridget Somethingsomething who eventually left dear Helena for a "Maths superstar." You know those Maths guys. Veiny cocks like salamanders. The ladies in the background are mildly distracting.

Natalie: "Oh my G-d I thought that was --"
Riese: "A prostitute?"
Natalie: "Oh no, i thought it was Jenny and Shane, but it's Dylan and Helena."
Riese: "Is that the set back there?"
Carly: "That's Ilene Chaiken in the hat."

Helena: "Not much has changed, has it? I'm still just gambling with my heart ... Dylan, I'm sorry okay?"

Dylan: "Listen, no more apologies. I think we just need to start new, okay? Can we do that?"

+

Helena says they can. Brian Kinney says never explain, never apologize. Let's get this show on the road! Bada-bing bada-ching, ring a ding a ling shoop shoop da doop!

---

Sunset has killed a bird. Bird-killer = Jenny killer? You know how Ilene feels about dudes. Sunset, in all honesty, has never looked better. He should wear Zebra ever day. Nikki gets up to say she'd like to make a donation and auction off a date with herself.
The bids start low and Nikki angles high: "Let's make it 2,000, I make really good pancakes." No honey, Rosa makes the pancakes, you just pour on the Aunt Jemima, that doesn't count as making pancakes. Someone wants breakfast -- Jenny bids $25,000. She shields her eyes when the spotlight turns to her. She looks dark and sad. Shane looks dead in the eyes. Alice is livid to lose the donation game. Again we see how Jenny is good for charity.

Jenny Moment: "Shane, you don't have to fuck her in a bathroom anymore, you don't have to sneak around,

I don't want you to do that, so I bought her for you. So you can have her whenever you want."

+

[We applaud]
Riese: "AMAZING!"
Alex: "AND that's why we love Jenny."
Carly: "--and that is AWESOME."

If it wasn't sort of degrading to the cause (bringing personal drama into a charity event is a little tacky), I'd give this particular Jenny Moment a 10 out of 10. But because of that I give it an 8.5. Well, Lacey made a banner. Shane, where have you gone.

Jenny then approaches Shane, who looks like she's thinking about chapstick and cucumbers and suicide, and tells her: "Listen, I don't care. You can fuck whoever you want, whenever you want. Fuck Nikki, fuck whoever. I know that you need it, it doesn't scare me, because I know you. Okay?" But ... that's not okay. It's never okay to fuck your best friend's ex-girlfriend, or your girlfriend's ex-girlfriend. Is Jenny just trying to keep her? Is she a flip-flopper from hell? Or is she just being manipulative? Well, let's move on and never find out.

---

Bette tentatively approaches Jodi; "I don't know why I care about what you think of me but I do, and I promise you I haven't cheated on Tina."

Jodi still doesn't believe her but says it doesn't matter. Yes it does, it just does, if it didn't matter, Jodi wouldn't have brought it up or said she's glad to have dodged a bullet. Nevertheless Bette's fed a hearty portion of Jodi's Maxims for Life. "Every day we wake up and promise ourselves we're going to be better. The problem is in the execution." She wishes Bette & Tina happiness. I bet after Bette left Jodi signed to herself "just kidding I hope you kill somebody."

++

'Cause I'm Good Enough, and Smart Enough, and G-ddammit People Like Me

+

---

Jamie says she was silly to think a 15-minute power nap would be okay. Well, there's item number one Tasha and Jamie do NOT have in common because Tasha would be just fine because she was in the army and took power naps all the time so there, they're too much alike, it would never work.

---

Tina & Bette look like they've just slept for 10 hours, it is the buttcrack of dawn and they are fully accessorized. I'm lucky to be wearing pants with pockets after an all-nighter, let alone a watch with matching earrings & scarf. These women are on top of their shit, should probs take custody of the octuplets. Or move to New York City.

Riese: [as Bette] "You call those teenagers our friends? Who needs enemies."
Carly: [as Bette]"Our friends are lame. We need new ones."
Riese: [as Bette] "Our friends are our family, like my Dad. He was mean to me and now he's dead."
A;ex: "Riese! I swear to G-d."

They cutely remember that they have to apply for schools starting now. Good luck ladies, the NYC school situation for upwardly mobile beautiful power lesbians like yourself is brutal, you are gonna be really happy you went for a mixed-race baby. Although there's a spin-off I'd like to see. Welcome Back Porter, like Welcome Back Kotter, which I've never seen, but it rhymes with Porter sort of. In the pilot I want Bette to unleash a can of whoopass upon a Duane Reade cashier.

---

There's a man on the stage and Kit is on the alert. What the hell, it's Soy Bomb, he's gonna hijack the show. Guess who it is okay I'll tell you it's that drag queen but not wearing drag.

Carly: "... and I'm here to recruit you."
Riese: "Oh my god they have no idea what straight people do, do they?"
Carly: "Oh my god, no idea."

Sonny: "But my real name is Sonny Benson, and I'm a straight man who loves his gay and lesbian family. And I hope you can still accept me."

Tonight You Can't Put Him Up on Any Shelf

Though there are no people visible who are actually applauding, the sound editor has added massive rousing applause. HURRAH! Drink! You know the Little Red Riding Hood stripper back there is gonna have a little Citron.

Kit's pissed that she told him things she'd never tell a man who was wearing men's clothing. I think Kit needs glasses. Sonny tells Kit that she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and he'd like nothing more than to take her to dinner and get to know her better. Kit don't need no dinner. She already ATE, bitch. This is the fourth person who's doggedly pursued Kit and actively ached to explore her nether regions; declaring love in public places, writing songs and sending 50 bouquets of flowers. Yet this has never -- not once -- happened to Alice. That makes me sad. This also happens to Tinkerbell all the time:Kit leaves, probs to take a nap and then come back and face this situation head on, directly to the forehead.

---

The bus pulls up and Tina and Bette wait anxiously and cutely, like something good is about to happen. Maybe Marcie missed the bus. Speaking of Kriss-Kross.

Carly: "They're like America, wearing blue and red."
Riese: "Maybe she had her baby on the bus."
Carly: "Bette looks like she works for the bus."

I can't even show you a screenshot of their faces waiting for Marci because the hope in their eyes is so full that it makes me want to cry, and one must save one's tears for the last couple standing. Tina should pretend the flowers are for Bette, then they can go home and make love. We're a bit relieved Marci's not coming -- that was another unnecessary loose end for next week.

---

Back at the dance, Tasha and Alice are hugging each other and swaying. Alice looks sad. You know who else looks sad? Us. Why. Alice. Come on. Her best friend already died of Chaiken Cancer. OurChart died. She's been left by four women that we know of. She won't even be able to bury herself in volunteer work, 'cause Jamie runs the center, or write her treatment, 'cause Jenny already did, or go to work, 'cause she got fired, or hang out with her friends, 'cause they're moving to New York and Shane is being a weirdo.